If I Let You Go

by Kyra Lennon

  His lips crushed down against mine. No warning. No gentle lean-in. One minute we were apart, the next, I was locked into a kiss I hadn’t expected. I froze only for a second before giving in, my body shifting from shaking with rage, to shaking with something completely different. One of his hands slid from the top of my arm to the back of my neck, the other slipped around my waist, his fingers burning me through the thin material of my dress. Unsteady, I clutched at his t-shirt, hoping it would hold me up enough until I was ready to touch him.

  Well this is completely unethical.

  I didn’t care. It was better than shouting.

  I’d never hated and wanted someone so much in my life.

  My fingers twisted the fabric of his shirt, bunching it up in my hands as his tongue found its way into my mouth. He reached behind him, his nails scratching against the wooden door until he found the handle. Swinging it open, we stumbled through and shuffled along the hall to his bedroom, entwined in a desperation-fuelled kiss.

  In the privacy of Dominic’s room, I lifted his t-shirt to run my hands down his back, and he broke away from me for just a second to pull his shirt over his head. It wasn’t the first time I’d seen him shirtless, but it felt like the first time. I didn’t have time to stop and admire the view, I needed to touch him, to taste him. My mouth danced along his broad shoulders, nibbling, biting. A refreshing coolness hit me, the sound of my dress zip echoing in my ears, and he tugged it down, letting it drop to the floor.

  The rest of our clothes quickly followed, and we fell back onto the bed, breathing heavily, hearts pounding. We were ready, more than ready, but Dominic made me wait, trailing kisses down my neck to my breasts, where he repaid me in kind for using my teeth. My breaths became shallow, and I closed my eyes, concentrating hard on holding in the feral moan that threatened to burst out of me. The mix of small, sharp bites and soft kisses drove me crazy, and I raked my fingers through his already tousled hair, pulling him up to me so I could feel his lips on mine again.

  For the second time, he let go of me with one hand, while holding me with the other, and reached out for the drawer in his bedside cabinet. Knowing it was going to happen soon made me kiss him harder, raising my hips towards his. When he found what he was looking for, he rolled away from me, just long enough to tear into the foil packet and slip its contents into position.

  When Dominic rolled back on top of me again, his breathing as ragged as mine, he paused for a second, the first sign of uncertainty in his eyes. Are you sure about this?

  My own eyes widened. It’s a bit late to ask now!

  A small grin of understanding crossed his lips, but I hooked my leg around his hip, forcing him back into the moment. Neither of us could wait, and as he moved inside me, fast, animalistic, the world around me started to disappear. All of my senses became alert, heightened, building. Building, until fire ripped through me, shooting out ripples of pleasure that rolled and crashed across every part of my body. I couldn’t stop myself calling out his name. It sounded distant, like the words weren’t really coming from my own mouth, and shortly after, he let out a loud groan before collapsing on top of me, both of us drenched in sweat.

  Chapter 3

  I stared up at the ceiling, unable to move, waiting for the post-angry-sex high to kick in. My body was still tingling, and beside me, I could hear Dominic still hadn’t quite caught his breath.

  The high didn’t come.

  Instead, I felt panic. If I couldn’t still feel his weight on top of me, and the tiny bite marks on my skin, I could have convinced myself I’d just had a particularly filthy dream.

  Naked, sprawled out on Dominic’s bed, I felt exposed, but I didn’t want to move yet. I tried to con myself into thinking that if I didn’t move, he’d forget I was there. Maybe he’d fall asleep and I could creep out, pretend nothing happened.

  Oh, it happened.

  After what felt like forever, Dominic finally got to his feet, and went into his en-suite bathroom. How could he not say anything? Was he actually planning to go into denial?

  I knew him better than that. I knew that he would be feeling as awkward as me, and after the fight we’d had, I had no clue how we were supposed to have a “normal” working relationship again.

  Slowly, I sat up, my head spinning a little. I suppose it was to be expected after the single most intense sexual experience of my life, but I needed to get to my own room, shower, and try to sleep before facing Dominic again.

  I stepped into my dress, only so I wouldn’t have to walk down the hallway naked, and quickly picked up my bra and knickers.

  God, could this get any more embarrassing?

  In my own en-suite bathroom, I stripped off again and turned on the shower, letting the hot water wash Dominic from my skin.

  Did I really bite him?

  I couldn’t help myself. He had me fuming.

  Have I always wanted to screw him?

  Erica had asked me a million times. ‘Madison, are you sure you’re just the child minder? He pays you a lot of money for doing hardly anything’ Pushing aside the blatant insinuation that I was his weekend whore, I’d always told her the absolute truth. He’d never so much as looked at me inappropriately, let alone anything more. And I always saw him as … well, I knew he wasn’t bad to look at, but to me, he was Tilly’s dad. An employer, maybe even a friend. I’d never analysed it before. Never needed to.

  Oh God.

  Feeling slightly more human, I stepped out of the shower and wrapped a towel around my head to dry my hair, and another around my body.

  I didn’t expect to see Dominic sitting on the edge of my bed. He’d put his jeans back on, but hadn’t bothered with a shirt. There wasn’t much point being modest, but when he saw me emerge from the bathroom with only a towel for clothes he stood up.

  “Shit, sorry,” he said. “I’ll go.”

  “No. It’s fine,” I told him, as he started for the door.

  It wasn’t really fine. In fact, everything felt weird, like the whole balance of the universe had been altered.

  I stayed rooted to the spot. Waiting. Dominic’s eyes focused on a spot on the carpet near my feet, unable to meet my eye, presumably while some words formed in his head. I focused, rather embarrassingly, on his chest which was rising and falling slowly.

  I left teeth marks!

  “Do you think it’s possible for us to put that … that … behind us?” he asked. “I … it was …” He shook his head as if to clear it. “I am completely responsible for what happened, and I feel like I-”

  “What? Took advantage of me?”

  “Yeah.”

  “Do you really think I’m incapable of making decisions for myself? Or that I’m some virgin whose innocence you just stole? The truth is, we took advantage of each other. We argued, we got carried away, and now … we’re here.”

  He finally lifted his head, moving his gaze from my feet to my face. “I’m sorry,” he said. “I just don’t want you to think that I’m … I don’t know what happened, I-”

  “You don’t need to explain,” I interrupted. Especially if it’s going to end in you inadvertently insulting me. Whether the sex meant anything or not, it’s never nice to hear that you were a mistake. “I don’t think you’re some kind of secret deviant, I just think things went further than we meant them to, and now, you’re right, we have to put it behind us.”

  The second the words left my lips, a chill ran through me. Like I was saying goodbye to something I hadn’t really got used to yet. It was probably for the best. Dwelling on a quickie with the boss wouldn’t make my job any easier.

  “Thank you,” he said. “I think we both need to cool off before tomorrow. The things we said earlier … I don’t know how much of it either of us meant, but I do need your help with Tilly. Will you come out with us tomorrow? So we can talk.”

  “Yeah. I will.”

  Dominic turned to leave, head down, lost in thoughts.

  “Dom?”

  He stopped,
glancing over his shoulder at me.

  “I never doubted how much you love Tilly,” I told him. “Not once.”

  He smiled, his eyes sparkling with gratitude. “Goodnight Madison.”

  “Goodnight.”

  The night was long and restless. I must have slept at some point, but for the most part, I tossed and turned, unable to get comfortable. Even though I was exhausted, my mind wouldn’t let me rest. It kept spewing up little bits of the argument I’d had with Dominic, interspersed with flashes of me tearing at his clothes and him kissing me.

  I was glad when morning arrived.

  On a normal day, I’d have slung my dressing gown over my pyjamas to go to the kitchen, but it was far from a normal day, so I got dressed in my jeans and a blue halter neck, and pulled my light brown hair into a loose ponytail that hung over my shoulder before going to get breakfast.

  Dominic and Tilly were chatting at the kitchen table. Well, Dominic was talking. Tilly answered half-heartedly while pretending to be busy eating her Coco Pops but she brightened when she saw me.

  “Maddi!”

  “Good morning, Tilly.”

  She was the only person in the world who I allowed to shorten my name. As a rule, I made it a point to correct anyone who attempted to call me “Maddi.” I always thought it made me sound … well … mad.

  I flicked the kettle on on my way to the table, then sat down beside Tilly, who had a chocolate milk moustache. I shook my head in amusement and glanced over at Dominic who gave me a slightly awkward smile.

  “Hi,” I said. “Did you sleep well?”

  “Not really. You?”

  “Same.”

  “Daddy. I don’t want to move to New York.”

  It was as if she’d been waiting for me to get up so she could get this discussion moving. Usually, if there was something upsetting Tilly, she’d never be the first to bring it up, preferring to hope it would go away on its own. The fact that she’d been the one to kick things off meant she was way more troubled by the move than I thought.

  “Finish your breakfast, sweetheart,” Dominic said. “We’re going to talk about that later.”

  “I don’t want to wait until later.”

  Determination filled her eyes. I would have been proud of her if I wasn’t so anxious about where this was leading.

  “I thought we could go to the zoo at Battersea first. Then out to lunch.”

  Tilly shook her head, her blonde hair flapping across her face. “No zoo. I want to talk now.”

  Dominic gave me a look that was somewhere between, ‘Help me,’ and ‘Did you teach my daughter this attitude?’

  For the record, I only taught her to stand up for things that were important to her, and not leaving London definitely fell into that category.

  “Maybe we should do this now,” I suggested. “Get it over with, then we can go out and do something fun.”

  “Okay,” Dominic said. “What did you want to say, Tilly?”

  While she began to explain, I quietly stepped away to make myself a coffee. I needed it badly after the night I’d had, and I felt less in the way once I’d left the table.

  “I don’t think we should go to New York because … well … it’s very far away and I don’t know anyone who lives there. What about my friends? I won’t be able to see Lucy and Ava and Lily anymore. And when we go, Madison won’t be able to see Erica.”

  I froze, mid stir.

  Again, Dominic glanced at me, and I shook my head. If he wanted the move, he could be the one to tell her the truth. I couldn’t believe he hadn’t mentioned that I wasn’t going with them. He probably thought Tilly could fill in the blanks, which of course, she couldn’t. Not at five years old.

  Dominic reached across the table for Tilly’s hand. “Madison isn’t coming with us.”

  Her face changed from determined, to confused. “But … she comes everywhere with us. She’s been on holiday with us, and she always comes when we go bowling, or skating or to the cinema. Why can’t she come to New York?”

  “Because it’s too far. It wouldn’t be fair of me to ask her to move so far away for us.”

  Madison switched her gaze to me. “Don’t you want to look after me anymore?”

  Her lower lip trembled, her eyes filling with tears. How much more uncomfortable was this going to get? If I told her I didn’t want to, I’d be lying. If I told her I wanted to keep taking care of her, she’d get more upset with Dominic for not asking me to go with them.

  “Of course I want to,” I said, resting my coffee on the counter and sitting down beside her again. “But I can’t.”

  “Then I’m not going,” she said, letting go of Dominic’s hand. “I want to stay with Madison.”

  Tilly crossed her arms as if her words settled the matter, but I rested my hand gently on her cheek. “You can’t stay with me, but I’ll still talk to you all the time, and I can visit and-”

  “No!” she shouted, pushing me away. “I’m not going!”

  Her chair scraped violently along the floor and she stomped out of the kitchen to her bedroom where she slammed the door hard enough to wake everyone in the building.

  “Well that could have gone better,” I said.

  “I knew letting her talk wouldn’t help. She’s too young to understand why we have to move, and you telling her she could have a say only made her think she could change my mind.”

  I bit back my retort, choosing instead to get my coffee. The conversation wasn’t supposed to change Dominic’s mind, it was supposed to reassure Tilly that, regardless of the outcome, her feelings were being heard.

  “Does she hate me?” he asked. Something in his eyes told me he felt defeated, and hearing his daughter say she’d rather stay with the child minder had to be painful.

  “Dominic, this isn’t going to be easy.” I told him. “You haven’t given her nearly enough time to get to grips with all this, so yeah, she’ll be difficult. She’ll fight you, she’ll hate you, she’ll do anything she can to make you stay. You need to listen to her. You can’t just tell her how things are, and expect her not to challenge you.”

  “So your solution is to let her walk all over me?”

  “No. I’m just saying that you need to be more understanding. You’ve had forever to plan for this, and she only has a few weeks. Let her cool down for a while, then try again. Take her out like you planned, somewhere she’ll be less angry, and really listen to her.”

  Maybe you’ll see that you don’t need to move away at all.

  “Are you coming with us?”

  “Actually,” I said, with a sigh, “I could really do with a break. I think I’ll just go back to Erica’s as planned.”

  As much as I wanted to be there for them both, I equally needed some space. Being in such close proximity to him after our fight and impromptu shag still made me uneasy.

  “Okay,” he answered. “I’ll try to keep Tilly away from the phone tonight so you don’t have to come back so soon.”

  “Thanks,” I said, with a small laugh. “But I can come back if you need me.”

  “We’ll be fine, but thanks, Madison.”

  Before an uncomfortable silence could fill the kitchen, I picked up my coffee and went back to my room to get ready for the rest of my Hartley-free day.

  Chapter 4

  “Oh my bloody God! You had actual sex with him?”

  Considering Erica thought I’d been sleeping with Dominic for years, her surprise amused me. I’d fluctuated back and forth about telling her all day. As far as I was concerned, the less I thought about it the better, but it seemed like a disservice to our friendship not to reveal such an epic mistake. I waited until we’d ordered a takeaway, and were halfway through our first bottle of wine to let it all come out which may not have been a smart move. Her shock had resulted in her waving her cutlery like a maniac, and showering me with fried rice.

  “Yes,” I confirmed. “Actual sex.”

  Her new forkful – this time of beef chow mein - sl
id messily back onto her plate as she gaped at me, open-mouthed. “But you always insisted, insisted, that there’s nothing between you! I knew it! I knew you had a thing for each other!”

  “Did you listen to anything I just said? It was a heat of the moment thing, that’s all.”

  “Pfft, I’ve got into blazing rows like that with my boss, but it’s never ended with me flat on my back on the desk with my legs in the air!”

  “Erica!”

  “What? Have you ever done anything like this before with anyone else?”

  “Of course not, but this is a unique situation. I don’t think I’ve ever felt as strongly about anything before, and things just got way out of hand.”

  I reached for my glass, thinking I should have gotten far more drunk before starting this conversation. Erica was a firm believer that men and women can never be just friends, which is why she’d always been so certain that Dominic and I were secretly screwing each other. At least, I assumed that was the reason. She never specified otherwise. It was in her nature to pair up any two people of the opposite sex if they seemed to vaguely like each other.

  “What was it like?”

  Slowly, I swallowed my mouthful of red wine. I’d purposely not thought about that part, because even though I knew - because it had been on my mind all day - I also knew it didn’t matter. Not in comparison to the big move.

  “Oh, it was great, wasn’t it?” she asked, and burst out laughing.

  I nodded. “Hot. Really, really hot.”

  A tingle ran through my body as the memories I’d blocked out came flooding back. Erica squealed, clapping her hands together like an over-excited seal. “I want details!”

  “Well, you’re not getting any!” I laughed. “Admitting it happened at all is bad enough!”

  “Why? Why is it so bad that it happened?”

  “How could it be anything but?”

  Erica rolled her eyes. “Madison. Dominic is sexy.”

  “Maybe to you. To me, he’s Tilly’s dad. And it was her we were fighting over, which kind of makes the whole thing worse.”

  “Oh, you don’t think he’s sexy now? You know, after you shagged him?”