If I Let You Go

by Kyra Lennon

  Clearly, she’d missed the point of the conversation.

  “All I think now is how weird things will be,” I told her. “I told him we had to put it behind us, but I don’t think it’s that easy.”

  “Because you think he’s sexy.”

  I didn’t know whether to laugh at her or scream. She was certainly persistent.

  In honesty, I hadn’t taken even a second to think about how I viewed him after the event. I couldn’t afford to. If I tried to spin a brief moment of angry sex into something more, the only thing I’d accomplish would be to create more complications.

  “I think a subject change is called for,” I said, pouring myself another drink. “Tell me more about that guy you met last night!”

  I wasn’t crazy about hearing yet another speech about how Erica’s latest eye candy was “The One,” so when the doorbell rang, I’m ashamed to say, I did an inward dance of joy.

  “Oh crap!” she said, jumping up from her seat, “I forgot to tell you, Neil said he’d drop by after work.”

  “It’s Saturday night, shouldn’t he be in a bar by now?”

  “Yes, but he said he’d come over because I didn’t feel like going out after you cancelled on me, and he suggested watching a movie. And then I forgot to tell him you changed your mind.”

  Erica rushed to the door to let him in, while I began loading as much food on my plate as I could. With Neil around, there was a high chance that if I didn’t stockpile, I probably wouldn’t get anything else to eat.

  “Madison,” he said, with a grin. “Good to see you.”

  “You too,” I answered. “I’m really sorry about last night.”

  He sat down at the table beside me, and Erica went back to her seat too. “It’s no problem,” Neil said. “Sometimes duty calls.”

  “I just wish it wouldn’t call on my days off!”

  “Help yourself to some food,” Erica told him, whilst grabbing up the lemon chicken before he could get his hands on it.

  The three of us ate, drank and chatted until we were full, at which point, we relocated to Erica’s cosy living room to watch a movie. Neil sat beside me on the sofa, one muscly arm around my shoulders. It was the most relaxed I’d felt in twenty-four hours. Home wasn’t exactly uncomfortable, but I was pleased to be away from the uneasiness that hung in the air.

  When the movie ended, we all had a coffee, then Erica, very kindly, left Neil and I alone.

  “So tell me,” he said, “What made you rush off so fast last night? You said Tilly needed you. What happened?”

  I groaned, rubbing my eyes tiredly. “Long story.”

  “I’ve got some time.”

  His brown eyes shone with warmth and concern, reminding me that he was more than just a gorgeous man with a great body. Not that I didn’t always know it, but I hadn’t seen him in a while, and talking wasn’t usually the first thing that sprang to mind when I thought of him.

  “Well,” I began, “I’m going to lose my job.”

  “What? How come?”

  I gave him a brief rundown of Dominic’s move to New York, and filled him in on Tilly’s meltdown, carefully excluding the full details of the night before. When I’d finished, Neil said, “Will you stay in London after they’ve gone?”

  “I haven’t thought about it yet. I only found out yesterday. I’m still in denial.”

  “I can imagine. I bet you’ll really miss Tilly.”

  “I’ll miss them both. It’s hard to think of them being in a different country.”

  The full weight of the situation pressed down on me again, tightening my chest, making it ache.

  “Tilly’s been everything for the last three years,” I said. “Every day I’ve taken her to school, taught her to read, helped with her writing, watched more mindless kid TV than is normal, but mostly, we have fun together. And I’d have done it all for free if I had to because I love taking care of her. I don’t know if it’ll be too depressing to stay here once they’ve gone.”

  Neil tightened his arm around me. “I’d miss you if you left. So would Erica.”

  “I’d miss you both too. Oh God, everything’s a big mess at the moment.”

  “Well, if you need anything you can call anytime. I mean it.”

  I smiled up at him. “I know.”

  Neil’s lips brushed against mine, testing the waters to see if I wanted more. I put my arms around his neck and kissed him back, loving how easy it was to fit back in with him. I climbed on to his lap, straddling him. His hands found their way to my hips, then slid underneath my top to unhook my bra.

  That used to be enough. Enough for me to be ready, to drag him to my room and do what we always did whenever we were alone. But as I kissed him, I realised I just wasn’t feeling it.

  “Wait,” I said, pulling away. “Neil … I’m sorry, I just … I can’t do this. Not tonight.”

  “What’s wrong?”

  “I don’t know. I think maybe I have too much on my mind, and I can’t … I can’t do it like this. I’m sorry.”

  I climbed off his lap, both embarrassed and confused. I was the one who’d started it, after all.

  Don’t be so hard on yourself. Anyway, sex with two different guys in two days is a bit slaggy.

  Slaggy, and out of character. Until Dominic, I hadn’t slept with anyone other than Neil in three years, and only a handful of times. Apparently, I wasn’t cut out for a life of debauchery.

  “It’s fine,” Neil said, though he was visibly pissed off. I couldn’t blame him.

  Once the launch sequence has been activated, not reaching take off is always disappointing.

  He stood up. “I should go. Some of my mates are clubbing again tonight, so I might join them for a few drinks.”

  “Okay,” I said, with a small smile. “Have a good night.”

  “You too.”

  He didn’t bother with a goodbye kiss, and I was too disheartened to care.

  Once he’d gone, I threw myself back onto the sofa with a groan.

  What the hell just happened? There had never been a time with Neil that wasn’t charged with horniness. On the other hand, there had never been a time when I was so freaked out. My brain was crammed with questions about what I’d do when I lost my job, where I’d live, and how I was going to help Dominic with Tilly.

  Dominic. I’ve heard so many people wishing they could turn back the clock to erase a mistake, but I’d never really felt that way. I’ve made poor errors in judgement like everyone else, but I never believed in regrets. What’s the point in regretting something you once wanted? But sleeping with Dominic was something I desperately wished I could undo. It wasn’t that I didn’t want him at the time, I did. But when the haze cleared, we couldn’t just go our separate ways. We had to live together, work together.

  I arrived back at the flat early Sunday evening. More than anything, I wanted to curl up in bed for a nap. I was off duty, after all. As I walked through the door, I caught a glimpse of Tilly, just as she disappeared into her room, closing the door with a bang.

  The scene was already far too familiar.

  A swishing sound came from the kitchen, and I found Dominic crouched on the floor, sweeping up the shattered remains of a dinner plate, along with what looked like a full roast dinner with all the trimmings.

  Two choices. Stay and help, or sneak back out? As appealing as creeping away sounded, I couldn’t just leave him there.

  “Need a hand?”

  Dominic jumped, clearly so lost in his own thoughts, he’d failed to hear the front door open. His body was tense, his face stony.

  “It’s okay,” he said, “I’ve got it.”

  Without a word, I filled the kettle with water and flicked it on to boil as Dominic continued to clean up the mess. Had there been carpet in the kitchen, the upturned meal would have left an ugly stain, but the black tiles were easy to wipe. When the last traces of gravy were gone, Dominic dumped the broken plate pieces in the bin, washed his hands, then left the room.
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  I fixed him a cup of tea, and took it through to the living room where I knew he’d be, head in hands, on one of the huge leather sofas.

  “Thank you,” he said, taking it from me. “I didn’t know what time you’d be home, but I made enough dinner for you too. It’s in the oven.”

  This was just another reason I loved working for him. Even though he was supposed to spend his weekends doing things with Tilly, he never left all the work for me. In fact, he made a real effort to pitch in so I’d have less to do.

  “Thanks, I’ll get it in a minute. Are you okay?”

  He let out a deep sigh, resting his drink on the table beside him. “I’ve had better days.”

  “What happened?”

  “Tilly has decided she’s not eating today. She wouldn’t eat her lunch, she refused to go out, and at dinner time, she was still pissed off with me, so she threw her roast beef on the floor.”

  “Did she say anything?”

  “I believe the words, ‘I hate you’ were mentioned.”

  I sank down on the sofa beside him. He’d been stressed when I left on Saturday, but it was nothing compared to how he looked now. He obviously hadn’t slept much, and the strain showed in his pale complexion and the way his body was rigid with tension.

  “Did you talk to her any more about New York?”

  “Not really. She’s barely said a word apart from to tell me how much she hates me. I tried. I tried to explain why we have to go, and that she’ll make new friends when we get there but I don’t think I’m saying it right. She’s not listening.”

  “She’s listening, she just doesn’t like what she hears. You can’t expect her to understand about your job, Dom. All she sees is that you’re taking her away from here.”

  “How else can I explain it to her? I have to go. I’m doing it for her.”

  Apparently it wasn’t only Tilly who had a hard time hearing. But I’d already made my point clear on why they didn’t have to leave. The only person who stood to benefit was Dominic, in the form of a pay rise he thought he needed.

  “Did you have a good night?” Dominic asked, swiftly changing the subject.

  “Quiet. Neil came over to Erica’s and we had a takeaway and watched a film.”

  He raised an eyebrow at the mention of Neil, and I said, “He didn’t stay.”

  “None of my business.”

  It really wasn’t his business, but he knew of my “arrangement” with Neil and I didn’t want him to think … well, it just seemed important to me to be clear that nothing happened.

  “Maddi-”

  “Stop,” I interrupted. “How many times do I have to tell you? It’s been years, Dominic.”

  For a second he looked blank, but then he gave me a small grin. “Sorry. But you let Tilly call you Maddi.”

  “She’s cuter than you.”

  My attempt to sidestep an awkward conversation about Friday night was scuppered at the mention of his “cuteness,” and I felt my cheeks warming

  “I think I’ll go and check on Tilly,” I said, hoping to get away without him saying anything.

  “Wait. I want to ask you something.”

  I stopped, hoping with everything I had that he wasn’t going to mention the dreaded topic.

  “You know I’ll be in France this week,” he began, “but after that, I’m home for a week. With Tilly being off school, I thought I might take her down to Devon for a few days to see my mum and everyone. Let them spend some time together before-” he trailed off, and I hated how I couldn’t stomach even the thought of them moving away.

  “Anyway,” he went on, “If you haven’t made any plans, I wondered if you wanted to come with us. You don’t have to be with us while we’re there, unless you want to, but I thought you might like to see your family and friends. You’re more than welcome to ride down with us.”

  I hadn’t been home since Christmas. Staying with my parents was preferable to sitting around the flat doing nothing.

  But, if you stay here, there’s always the option of having Neil over.

  It would feel kind of naughty to have him over while Dominic and Tilly were away, like breaking the rules or something. Not that there were rules preventing Neil staying over, I just preferred to keep my work and social life apart.

  But Dominic’s suggestion sounded more appealing. A change of scenery was definitely called for, and it wouldn’t hurt to look around and see if there were any jobs there. Maybe being closer to my family would make everything hurt less.

  Chapter 5

  The twenty-four hours before Dominic had to leave for France weren’t as difficult as I’d expected. After his offer to take me to Devon, some of the awkwardness fell away. We had something different to focus on, and planning fun day trips for Tilly on the south coast forced us to put our argument to one side and work together for her.

  Tilly, on the other hand, had taken to holing herself in her room. She refused to talk to Dominic, and every time she was with me, she cried and begged me to make Dominic change his mind about moving to America. The last time she’d been so upset was when she first started school. Her shyness made it hard for her to make friends, and she was bullied by some of the older kids because she spent a lot of time alone. Dominic and I made sure the school put a stop to it immediately, but it took months before Tilly felt relaxed.

  This was a whole different situation, though. One I couldn’t fix. I could bandage her knee after she fell down, I could scare away the monsters in her nightmares. I could even defeat the school bullies, but this? This was way out of my control.

  Wednesday was the first day of the summer holidays, and I’d promised Tilly the trip to the zoo she’d missed out on over the weekend. She even perked up a bit on Tuesday night when we discussed all the animals we especially wanted to see, and she’d gone to bed in a good mood. When the morning came, though, she refused to get up. Instead, she curled up into a ball and threw the covers over her head.

  “I thought you wanted to see the meerkats,” I said, trying to find the end of the duvet so I could un-tuck her.

  “I want to stay at home,” came her muffled response.

  “I made a picnic lunch for us. You love picnics.”

  “I don’t want to go!”

  She wriggled around, kicking her feet as if I’d asked her to do something unspeakable like … tidy her room, and I gently put my arm over her to calm her down. “Okay, we don’t have to go. But can you please come out from under there so I can see you?”

  “No!”

  “Why not?”

  “I don’t want to go anywhere! I want to stay here!”

  I got the feeling she was talking about much more than not going to Battersea, but I had no intention of bringing that up yet. At nine in the morning, I’d only had one coffee, and I’d hoped it would be at least a couple of hours before anything difficult cropped up again.

  “Tilly, please come out from there. Let’s have some breakfast.”

  “I’m not hungry.”

  Her eating habits concerned me. She always ate breakfast, but she’d been picking at her evening meals, leaving half of it on the plate before saying she’d had enough.

  “I’ll make you some pancakes,” I offered.

  “No!”

  “Fine. You don’t have to eat now, but I want you to get out of bed and get dressed.”

  “No!”

  “Matilda Rose Hartley,” I said, firmly. “Get out of that bed right now and look at me please.”

  The use of her full name caught her attention, and she peered out from underneath the covers. So much rage in her eyes, but upset or not, I refused to let her act like a brat.

  “Thank you,” I said, more softly. “Now, let’s get dressed and we can work out what to do today.”

  “I don’t want to go out.”

  “Then we’ll stay here. But you still have to get dressed and come out of your room.”

  She threw the duvet aside, and shuffled off the bed to make her way to her
wardrobe. “I’ll see you in the kitchen in ten minutes,” I told her. “And don’t forget to brush your teeth.”

  To her credit, she did as I asked. She still had her sulky face on when she sat opposite me at the kitchen table and she hadn’t brushed her hair, but I’d nagged her enough for one morning.

  “I had an idea about what we could do today,” I told her. “But, we can only do it if you promise to help me clean up afterwards.”

  Tilly sat up a little straighter in her chair. “What are we going to do?”

  “Nah-uh,” I said, smiling. “You have to promise to help with the tidying first.”

  “Okay. I promise.”

  “Good girl. I thought we could do some blow painting.”

  “What’s that?”

  “I’ll show you, but we will need to run to the shops to get some things first. Would that be alright?”

  Tilly tilted her head to one side, mulling it over. I could almost see her weighing up the pros and cons of going out to get supplies versus staying at home as she’d wanted.

  “Yes,” she said, eventually. “That’s alright.”

  “Would you like me to make you something to eat before we go out?”

  She shook her head. “No thank you.”

  I rose from my seat and went to the fridge to pour her a glass of milk, which I placed in front of her.

  “At least drink this,” I said. “Then we can go.”

  She drank it down without question, but as she put her glass down, she eyed me suspiciously as if I’d pulled some kind of Jedi mind trick on her. I figured it couldn’t hurt to take advantage of her being distracted to make sure she had something inside her.

  For the first time in days, Tilly was interested in something other than re-arranging her doll’s house furniture. We drove to the local craft store and bought many different coloured paints, some straws, and just because we were there, I grabbed some glitter pens, coloured paper, and a few other essential kid craft supplies.

  Back at the flat, Tilly helped me spread newspaper all over the kitchen table to keep it clean, and we set out the paper, paint and straws on the table.