If I Let You Go

by Kyra Lennon

  “So, what do we have to do?” Tilly asked, looking up at me expectantly.

  I sat down beside her, and said, “Choose a colour.”

  After careful deliberation, she selected the bottle of blue paint, and I instructed her to squeeze a little bit onto her paper, before handing her a straw.

  “Now blow it,” I said.

  Her blue eyes lit up, and she giggled. “Really?”

  I nodded, and she put the straw to her lips and blew on the paint. As it flicked across the page in a random pattern, she burst out laughing.

  God, I’d missed that sound.

  “You have a go,” she said.

  Being the big kid that I am, I reached for three different coloured paint bottles, and squeezed them along my page in a line. When I blew on them, the colours all mixed in together, and Tilly giggled louder.

  We spent well over an hour creating blow paint masterpieces, and by the time we were done, the newspaper on the table was covered in stray blobs and streaks of paint, and we had paint on our hands and up our arms. It was worth the mess to see Tilly smiling again, and she even ate some of the picnic lunch I’d made earlier.

  Later, while we were snuggled up watching Beauty and the Beast, Dominic phoned. I left Tilly in the living room and went into my room to take the call.

  “Hi,” he said. “I’m just calling to let you know that I have to go to New York tonight.”

  “Tonight?” I asked. “Oh God, does that mean you’re going to be away for longer?”

  “No, no. Actually, I should be home on Friday instead of Saturday. But I got called over to do some stuff for work, and because I’ll be on holiday next week, I thought I should go and deal with it now.”

  I breathed a silent sigh of relief. “Okay.”

  “How’s Tilly?”

  “Up and down. Getting her out of bed was a challenge, but we did some painting this morning and we’re watching a movie now.”

  “Has she eaten today?”

  “Yeah. She had a couple of sandwiches and a packet of crisps. Not great, but better than nothing. Hopefully she’ll eat again later.

  “That’s a relief. Can I talk to her? I’ll ring you again when I get to New York, but Tilly will be in bed by then.”

  “Yeah, just a sec,” I said, making my way back to the living room. I paused the DVD, and handed the phone to Tilly. “Daddy wants to talk to you.”

  She took my mobile and pressed it against her ear. She told Dominic all about the paintings we’d done, making sure to lay it on thick about how much mess we’d made. The conversation went well for the most part, but suddenly, she fell silent. The face that had been smiling seconds before clouded over. Her eyes darkened, and she said, “I thought you were in France?”

  No! He must have told her where he was going. A few seconds passed, then she threw my phone down on the sofa and ran to her room.

  Excellent.

  I sped across the room to get my phone. “Dom?”

  “Yeah I’m still here. Shit. I’m a terrible father.”

  His words were heavy with regret, and I sighed. “You’re not a terrible father. You can’t avoid the words ‘New York’ just in case she gets upset.”

  “But she was happy a minute ago. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make your day harder.”

  “It’ll be fine. I got her out of it this morning, I can get her out of it again.”

  “I don’t know what I’d do without you, Madison.”

  My heart stilled in my chest.

  Of course I knew how much he relied on me to take care of Tilly, but it wasn’t enough to stop him leaving me behind. Every time the reality hit me, it pierced another hole in my anger, turning it to pain, and leaving me wondering if this was it. If this was the moment it would pull me under.

  “I have to go,” I said, trying to keep my voice even.

  “Madison-”

  “I’ll talk to you tonight.”

  I didn’t let him get another word in. I turned off my phone and sank to the floor.

  I hadn’t cried. I’d wanted to since the second Dominic said they were moving away, but it was easier to be pissed off than upset. Preferable even. But with Tilly falling apart, and Dominic struggling to cope, I couldn’t hold it back.

  I let the tears come, the frustration, confusion and exhaustion draining out of me. I was so tired.

  I don’t know how long I stayed there, curled up in a ball, quietly weeping. But when a tiny hand began stroking my hair, my awareness of my surroundings came streaming back. Tilly sat down beside me, and clutching her monkey with one hand, she comforted me with the other. I straightened my legs in front of me and pulled her onto my lap.

  “Did Daddy make you upset too?” she asked.

  “No, sweetheart,” I told her. “It wasn’t Daddy’s fault.”

  It was all me, trying to make sense of everything.

  “I thought you might need Mungo,” she said, handing me her favourite toy.

  I smiled as I stroked his brown, mottled fur. “Thank you. A cuddle from Mungo is exactly what I need.”

  “Daddy made me upset.”

  “Oh, baby girl,” I said, pulling her to me. “Daddy doesn’t mean to make you upset.”

  “I’m not a baby,” she mumbled into my shoulder.

  She said the same thing to Dominic on Friday. We really had to stop calling her that.

  “If Daddy didn’t want me to be upset, he wouldn’t be making me move to New York.”

  “The thing is, sometimes we have to do things we don’t want to do. It’s like … when I have to do the ironing. I don’t like ironing, but if I don’t iron, you’ll have to walk around in wrinkly clothes.”

  The scepticism in her eyes made me laugh, and I went on, “Okay, bad example. Remember when you first started school? You didn’t want to go there, but you had to because there are things you have to learn. Things me and Daddy don’t know how to teach you. And after a while, it started to get easier and you made new friends. Now you like school.”

  “I do. But I want to stay at my school, with my friends. I want to stay with you. Daddy’s mean.”

  “Listen to me,” I said, leaning back just a little so I could see her face. “I know you don’t want to go away, but Daddy isn’t doing it to be mean. He loves you very much, you know that don’t you?”

  She shrugged. “I suppose so.”

  Chapter 6

  The second half of my week with Tilly was equally as challenging as the first. She was happy when we did things to keep her mind off moving, but the moment we stopped, she became withdrawn and moody again. There were many more tantrums, and she still wouldn’t eat properly. On Wednesday night, I heard her crying in her room. It broke my heart, but I let her be. On Thursday night, she was so upset that she came into my room and slept beside me, snuggling as close as she could until she drifted off to sleep.

  When Friday came around, Tilly woke in a slightly more chipper mood. She was spending the night at her best friend’s house, which gave her something to look forward to. Dominic had asked me to arrange for Tilly to be out because some people were coming over to value the flat. Frankly, I wished I could have been out too because the idea of someone else living in our home made me feel sick. Lucy, was the first friend Tilly made at school, and when I asked her mum if Tilly could spend the afternoon with her, she offered to keep her for the whole night. I knew there was a strong chance I’d have to pick her up at some point, but after explaining the situation to Mrs Cook, she promised to take good care of her.

  The apartment was spotless when the estate agents came over. I’d worked my arse off to make sure every surface sparkled, every speck of dust was removed from the carpets and there wasn’t a single item out of place. I even managed to be polite – a challenge when what I wanted to do was tell them to bugger off.

  Once they’d gone, all I had left to do was wait for Dominic to get home. He was due back around six, so when the phone rang at five-thirty, I figured it would be him, asking me
to order a pizza. He’d emphatically told me not to cook after rushing around to get the house tidy.

  “Hello,” I said. “What topping would you like?”

  Instead of Dominic’s familiar laugh, there was an awkward cough that somehow managed to make me feel like an idiot.

  “Hello. I don’t know if this is the right number, I’m looking for Dominic Hartley?”

  The voice was female, American. And she’d never called the flat before.

  “Yeah, this is the right number,” I said. “Sorry about that, I was expecting him to call.”

  “It’s no problem. You must be the maid, right?”

  Cheeky bitch.

  “Actually, I’m the child minder. Can I take a message?”

  “Sure, can you tell him he left some paperwork behind today, and that I’ll take it to the office tomorrow so he doesn’t have to worry. I’d hate if he had work on his mind while he’s with his family next week.”

  Something about the way she spoke set off alarm bells in my head. She was way too familiar to just be a work colleague. And she’d take the paperwork to the office? Presumably that meant he’d left it at her house.

  “Sorry,” I said, again, “Who are you?”

  “Serena Morton. I work with Dominic, and he came over to my place last night to … well … anyway, he left some work in my home office and I just want you to tell him I’ll take care of it.”

  Sounded to me like she’d been taking care of more than his paperwork. The realisation made my pulse race, and not in a good way.

  He had a woman in New York. A snooty sounding one with a pretentious name, who he knew well enough to talk about his family with. Was she the real reason for the move?

  “I’ll tell him,” I said. “Is there anything else?”

  She giggled. “Tell him I said thanks for a wonderful three days.”

  Three days? Three sodding days? Aside from this ‘paperwork,’ had he even been near the office?

  “I’ll let him know,” I answered, through gritted teeth, as I heard his key turning in the door. Without another word, I slammed the phone down and practised deep breathing so I didn’t fly into the hallway and choke the crap out of him. When I’d centred myself enough, I stood up, just as Dominic entered the living room, loosening his tie.

  “Hi,” he said. “I’m knackered, so what do you say we order some food and watch a crap movie? I don’t have … what’s wrong?”

  Two thoughts entered my head simultaneously. Firstly, Christ, he looks sexy in a crumpled business suit with a tie hanging around his neck. Secondly, he just spent three days shacked up with some floozy, no wonder he’s knackered.

  I had about three seconds to decide whether to yell, or make a speedy exit.

  “You had a call,” I said. “Serena. She said you left some paperwork behind but she’ll take it to the office for you, and … oh … thanks for a wonderful three days. Glad you’re back safely, I’m going out.”

  I didn’t give myself time to register the expression on his face, I lowered my head and started to walk out.

  “Wait, what?”

  Still refusing to look at him, I said, “She just called. She said she didn’t want you to worry about anything while you’re away next week.”

  He swore under his breath. “Maddi-”

  “Madison,” I corrected. “You don’t need to explain, but I have to run. Lucy’s mum is expecting you to pick Tilly up at ten thirty tomorrow, but stay by the phone tonight because there’s a chance Tilly might want to come home sooner. I’ll see you on Sunday.”

  I took another step towards the hall, but Dominic, gently put his hand on my arm. “Slow down. Can we at least talk about Tilly before you go?”

  If you’d been here instead of shacked up with some tart, you’d know all you needed to.

  “It wasn’t like that,” he said.

  “I didn’t say anything.”

  “You didn’t need to. I know what you’re thinking, and it wasn’t … it’s nothing, okay? I-”

  I held up my hands to stop him. “None of my business.”

  On the way to my room, I took my phone out of my pocket and sent a text to Neil.

  R u busy?

  I didn’t expect an instant response, so when my mobile beeped again right away, I nearly dropped it.

  Not busy. You wanna do something?

  Can I come over?

  Of course. What time?

  Now.

  Lol, okay, shall I get the Barry White CDs out? ;)

  Smiling, I typed back: No need for romance, just open a bottle of wine and I’m all yours. And this time, I won’t change my mind.

  I put my phone down on my bed, and threw some things into a bag with a weird sense of déjà vu.

  “You know what, you’re right,” Dominic said, following me into my room. “It’s none of your business, but it’s obviously pissed you off, so before things get any more uncomfortable between us, I’d like to get it out in the open.”

  “Dom, why do you always want to talk everything out?” I sighed. “It’s been a rough week. And you knew that. Hearing Tilly crying in her room, having her crawl into my bed in the middle of the night – it hurts. You could have been here, you should have been here. Instead, you lied to me and you lied to Tilly and that’s not okay.”

  “I didn’t lie. I was called to New York. But Serena … she’s … we were-” he trailed off again, and I wondered what the hell was so difficult for him to say. Was she just a friend? Was she important?

  Do I care?

  “I was seeing her,” he said, eventually, sitting down on my bed. “Not seriously, we were … like you and Neil. We work together, we were attracted to each other and it was just … easy. But she started wanting more from me than I was willing to give.”

  “Why weren’t you willing?”

  “Because she’s a self-involved, shallow bitch. Makes me sound like a dick for sleeping with her for so long, but she wasn’t so bad at first. But the more I got to know her, the less I liked her.”

  It sounded nothing like what I had with Neil. We both knew where we stood, we didn’t want a relationship, but we still had respect for each other.

  “I broke things off with her last week,” he went on. “But when she found out I was in New York this week, she wanted to see me. She invited me over to her flat last night, tried to get me to change my mind. The only reason I left my work there was because I was in such a rush to get away from her. I thought I’d made my feelings clear, but if she called here-”

  “Hold on,” I interrupted. “When did you say you broke things off with her?”

  Dominic averted his eyes.

  “Oh God,” I said, wearily rubbing my eyes.

  I’d never once thought that having sex with Dominic was anything more than two people venting their frustration, but the idea that he might have been thinking about someone else at the time didn’t exactly fill me with joy.

  “We need some time out,” I said. “Because at the moment, when we’re together, everything just gets messier. I’ll stay at Neil’s tonight, and I’ll come back late on Saturday.”

  Then all we have to do is survive a four hour car journey together on Sunday morning. Yay.

  I’d have much preferred to spend the weekend at home, near Tilly. My time with her was rapidly running out, but the idea of clashing with Dominic over and over didn’t appeal at all. I still hadn’t said half of the things that had been circling in a constant loop around my head for the past week, and letting them out would only cause another fight I didn’t have the energy for.

  “I’m sorry,” he said. “I don’t want to argue.”

  “Me neither. But if I stay, that’s what will happen.”

  He nodded. “Okay. Okay.”

  ***

  Neil took one look at my face and said, “We’re not going to have sex tonight, are we?”

  I’d arrived on his doorstep, carrying my overnight bag and wearing a look of … well, I’m not sure what I looked l
ike, but I felt like I’d been steamrollered.

  “Do I have to decide now?” I asked.

  “I think the decision’s made,” Neil said, pulling me into a hug. “Come on, I’ll get us a drink.”

  Neil led me to his sofa, and left me there while he made two cups of tea which he placed on the coffee table in front of us.

  “What’s going on, then?” he asked. “Am I losing my charm? You’ve turned me down two weeks in a row, I’m starting to get offended.”

  “Oh shut up,” I laughed, giving him a gentle shove. “You know that ‘friends with benefits’ deal? Well, I’m cashing in on the ‘friend’ part.”

  Neil smiled. “About time. As offended as I was by the rejection, nobody wants to be used just for their body!”

  “I loathe you,” I said, still laughing. “But Erica’s working so you’re all I’ve got!”

  He wrapped his arm around my shoulders and gave me a squeeze. “You know I’m here for you anytime, babe. So tell me what’s wrong.”

  “I don’t know what’s wrong.” I told him. “But being at home is getting more uncomfortable every day and I had to get out.”

  “What’s happening over there? Is the move getting too stressful?”

  “Ha. Dom could have kept this whole thing a secret until the day he left for all that’s changed.”

  “Have you talked to him about it?”

  “No. I mean, he only just got back tonight, but even if he was there the whole time, I couldn’t talk to him about it. I get angry just thinking about it.”

  “Why? I know you love Tilly, but this move is going to be good for her, isn’t it?”

  “I can’t see how. Uprooting her to somewhere she won’t know anyone, being dumped with a stranger while Dom continues to spend more time in places that aren’t home. She’s terrified, and Dominic … he sees it, but he keeps going on about how his massive pay rise will make a big difference to them.”

  “I don’t have kids or anything but surely it would be better for him to spend his time with her, rather than his money.”