Stolen Breaths

by Pamela Sparkman

  Pain. So much pain. I can’t move. His weight is pressing in on me. His breath reeks of alcohol and stale cigarettes.

  “Don’t fight me and it won’t hurt as much.”

  My eye burns and my lips taste like copper. “Get off me! GET OFF ME!”

  “Listen here you little bitch! Stop fighting me or I’ll fucking kill you.”

  His hand moves up to cover my mouth. I’m fighting underneath him, squirming with all my might. My hands come up to push against his chest, extending my arms straight out in front of me as far as they will go. I can hear him laughing.

  “What do you think you’re doing, little girl?”

  His voice is menacing, and I know I’m going to die.

  My arms can’t hold him off me. My legs, pinned underneath his. I grab the skin underneath his upper arm and pinch as hard as I can, twisting while I squeeze harder and harder.

  “AHH! YOU BITCH!”

  I can’t breathe. My chest. It hurts. I conjure up everything I have left inside me and I scream.

  “HELP ME! Please!”

  Somebody.

  “Baby. Lily, wake up! You’re having a bad dream.”

  I opened my eyes. Where was I? I looked around the room disoriented. Someone touched my arm. I jumped, heart racing. Where am I?

  “Lily, look at me.” Cooper grabbed my face with both hands and forced me to look at him. “You were dreaming. You’re safe. I’ve got you.” He wrapped both arms around me and nestled me in to him, rocking back and forth. “I’ve got you, baby.”

  Tears streamed down my face. It was a dream. Only a dream. I was okay. I could feel my heart rate slow down to a more normal rhythm and I relaxed into Cooper’s chest and arms. He stroked my hair, placing soft kisses on top of my head.

  “Do you want to talk about it?”

  “No,” I whispered. “I’m okay.” I nestled further into him and rested my nose under his ear. “Just hold me.”

  “There’s nothing else I’d rather do.” He scooted us down into the bed and pulled the covers over us. “I’ll hold you all night.”

  I was safe in Cooper’s arms. Safe. I listened to the sound of his heart beating and let the sounds of his breathing drift me back to that place of calm and peace that only he brings me. My breathing slowed and I could feel myself drifting back off to sleep. This was the only place I wanted to be. Cooper played with my hair and remained quiet, thinking. I had come to know when he had something on his mind. A lot of quiet time had passed and in my sleepy state I thought I heard him say, “This is what I was afraid of.”

  Sixteen

  My Forever

  When I woke up the next morning Cooper wasn’t in the bed with me. I could still smell him though. That mixture of spice and soap was embedded in my senses now, or maybe the scent of him was permanently absorbed into his pillows and sheets. Either way, it was a nice way to wake up still sensing him all around me. I took a minute to look around his room. His walls were painted an icy blue and his bedding was shades of brown. His furniture was classic, with rich, dark wood tones. It suited him. I didn’t really know why I was paying any attention to his room décor at all, other than it was something that I knew he looked at every day and I wanted to be familiar with it. I wanted to be familiar with everything that had to do with Cooper Hudson.

  I lay there quite a while taking mental snapshots before seeing the note left for me on his pillow:

  Coffee and breakfast is waiting for you when you wake up.

  I wondered how long he had been awake. I got up and did the usual morning routine, then I sauntered down the hallway. I made it as far as the living room and stopped short. All of the living room furniture had been pushed against the outer perimeter leaving a giant open space in the center. I must have had a strange look on my face because Cooper spoke up to my unasked question.

  “I’ll explain, but first let’s eat. Hungry?”

  “I don’t know. My stomach is still sleeping I think. I could go for some coffee though.”

  “Coffee, then food. You’ll need a good breakfast today.”

  “Why will I need a good breakfast today?” I asked curiously.

  He walked to where I was standing and handed me a cup of coffee fixed just the way I liked. He tilted his head toward the kitchen. .

  “Come in here with me. You can watch me spread butter.” The corners of his mouth turned up a tiny bit before he looked away.

  “You do have a way with butter,” I said, looking over the rim of my coffee cup.

  “So, I’ve been told.”

  “What’s with the new furniture arrangement? Get bored?”

  “Will you hand me a butter knife?” he asked, pointing to the top drawer closest to me.

  I handed it to him and waited for him to answer my question. “So?” I prompted when he didn’t respond. “Did you get bored?”

  “No.”

  Clearly we were going to eat breakfast before he answered me. I studied him while we ate our breakfast, and I could literally see him thinking. He was in the room, but somewhere else at the same time.

  I didn’t disturb him. Our breakfast was quiet and quiet was okay. I twirled my fork around my eggs and drifted off into my own thoughts.

  “What are you thinking about?” Cooper asked finally.

  I shrugged my shoulders. “I was thinking about my daddy.”

  “Tell me something about him.”

  “Like what?”

  “I don’t know. Tell me a favorite memory you have of him.”

  I didn’t have to ponder long. I looked up at Cooper while casually rolling my fork around my plate. “That’s easy. I was fifteen. I locked myself in my bedroom crying over a boy.” I rolled my eyes. “I realize now how silly I was, but at the time I was heartbroken. I thought he really liked me, until I found out he liked someone else.” I chuckled. “Anyway, my daddy must have heard me crying because I looked down at some point and saw a folded piece of paper that had been slid underneath my door. I picked it up off the floor and when I opened it…” I swallowed hard trying not to choke on my words. “…when I opened it, it was a poem my daddy wrote.”

  “Do you remember what it said?”

  I nodded my head. “It said:

  If I could paint a picture

  I would paint a picture of you

  So you could see all the beauty

  And you would know it’s true

  How your eyes twinkle like the stars at night

  How your smile beams with wonder and delight

  How people see you when you walk by

  Like watching a shooting star dance across the sky

  Your hair would glisten like the soft moon light

  Your picture would be a magnificent sight

  But if I could paint I would paint the best part

  And that is without a doubt your amazingly beautiful wonderful heart”

  I smiled through the warm, wet tears. “I memorized it. My daddy was always doing stuff like that.”

  I started to wipe the tears away, but Cooper was already kneeling beside me. He reached up, and with the pad of his thumbs he gently caressed the tears with slow thoughtful strokes. His chocolate eyes were penetrating through me like he was seeing my memory play out in my eyes.

  “I know what it’s like to lose your parents, Lily, and I would give anything if I could bring them back for you.”

  I wrapped myself around Cooper as tightly as I could. “I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry. You lost your parents too. Will you tell me something about them? Anything,” I begged. “I bet they were amazing parents.”

  “They were,” Cooper said, “and they would have loved you. I have a lot of good stories I could tell you about them.” His expression took on a more wistful look as he visibly recalled a memory. A grin tugged at the corner of his lips. “They loved to dance. They used to dance around the living room for hours. Mom liked the waltz and Dad perfected his steps just so he could watch Mom’s face light up when they danced it flawlessly. Whe
n I was a kid I thought it was lame. But one day I sat at the top of the stairs watching them and I literally couldn’t tell where one began and the other one ended. They danced like they were one person. I remember thinking how lucky I was because a lot of my friends’ parents were divorced. I think that was the day I really learned to appreciate my mom and dad.” Cooper fell quiet for a minute and then stood up and tucked a piece of stray hair behind my ear. “Come on. We’ve got some work to do.”

  “What are you talking about?”

  “Were you serious when you said you knew how to kickbox?”

  “No,” I said, looking down not meeting his eyes

  “That’s what I thought. I’m teaching you self-defense.”

  “What?”

  “I’m going to teach you how to defend yourself.”

  “That’s why all the furniture is pushed against the wall?”

  “Yep. I’m going to teach you how to get away. This isn’t about fighting someone bigger than you. It’s about being able to run away and not being a victim. I want to empower you so that you’re not ever at the mercy of someone who wants to hurt you. I saw the look on your face last night. Something happened. You want to tell me about it?”

  “I don’t know what to tell you. That guy just gave me the creeps.”

  “Lily, your whole body shook like you were scared to death. Did you know him?”

  “No. That’s the thing. I have never seen that guy before in my life. But when he spoke to me it made my skin crawl.”

  “And the dream?”

  I blew out a deep sigh. “I don’t know. It was just a stupid dream.”

  “No it wasn’t. It was something else. Have you had a dream like that before?”

  “No.”

  “Would you tell me if you had?”

  “Yes.”

  “Promise?”

  “I promise. Last night was the first time I’ve ever had a dream like that before.”

  “Why do you think that is?”

  “I have no idea.”

  “Do you want to tell me what it was about?”

  “Not really. I would like to forget about it.”

  Cooper put his hands on his hips and paced in circles. He wanted to keep pushing the issue, but seemed to struggle with wanting to know about the dream and not wanting to upset me. “Fine,” he relented. “But if it happens again, I need you to tell me. Okay?”

  “Okay.”

  “Promise me you’ll tell me.”

  “I promise.”

  “Okay.” Cooper’s expression softened. “Now, come stand over here next to me. You need to know that you don’t have to be big or strong to defend yourself. Your hands, elbows, knees, and feet are all the weapons you need. First, you need to understand all the vulnerable spots that you can do the most damage: the eyes, nose, ears, neck, groin, knees and feet. Your objective is not to fight with the attacker. Your objective is to defend yourself and run. Use your voice. If an attacker comes at you yell NO! BACK OFF! This is letting the attacker know that you will not be an easy target, plus it will draw attention. Now, practice using your aggressive voice.”

  I cleared my throat. “Back off!’

  “No. Louder.”

  “Back off!”

  “Louder. Angrier.”

  “BACK OFF!”

  “Better. Again.”

  “BACK OFF!”

  “That’s good. We’ll keep practicing and you’ll get more confident. Now, the odds are pretty good that an attacker will try to grab you. He will likely grab your wrist because it’s hard to get out of his hold and it’s easier for him to lead you or drag you wherever he wants to take you. Also, he can control your hands from you being able to hit or cause any kind of damage. In that instance, instead of trying to pull away from his hold, squat with your legs apart for leverage, lean forward and bend your elbow toward him until your elbow touches his forearm. This move will force him to let go because he can no longer hold on, at which point you run like hell. I’ll show you.”

  Cooper showed me this technique and I practiced it over and over again, doing it in slow motion until he felt I had the move down. Then we moved on to pressure points starting with the nose.

  “The nose can be struck from three directions: from the top, from the side, and up under. The eyes can be gouged, scratched, or poked. Almost anything would be effective. The side of the neck is a vulnerable target because that is where the carotid artery and the jugular vein are located with no bony protection.”

  Cooper went through most of the pressure points while I listened intently, focusing on every detail. He was precise, to the point, and thorough. He made it easy to understand and he explained why he wanted me to know them.

  “Knowing these things,” he said, “will give you the confidence to inflict pain because you’ll understand why it will cause pain. It won’t matter how big he is or how small you are. Your job is to be the first to injure so you can escape. It’s not about winning a fight. It’s not about whether or not you can throw a punch. It’s about knowing where to strike if you have to so it buys you enough time to get away. I’m also going to teach you other self-defense moves because you need to learn them and know them.”

  Cooper looked down at me as we stood face to face. “I wish I could tell you that you’ll never have to use these techniques, but we both know that’s not true considering…” His voice trailed off and his eyes moved to the floor, and I knew he was remembering what he saw that day. “I was worried about you last night, Lily. I saw how you reacted to that man, and that nightmare you had. I just…I just want to protect you. If that means doing this with you, then that’s what I’ll do.”

  I stepped into Cooper so I could wrap my arms around his neck and look him in the eye. He moved too, wrapping his arms around my waist, and we stood there staring into each other. Finally, I spoke.

  “I love you. Like, love you so much it hurts to breathe kind of love you. If that means doing this with you, then that’s what I’ll do.”

  Cooper’s mouth turned up into a delicious smile. “I love hearing you say that, that you love me. I think every time I hear it my heart stops for a beat.” He leaned back slightly so he could see all of my face. “I would do anything for you, Lily.” He caressed my cheeks with the palms of his hands and then leaned in for a kiss. It was both firm and soft, dripping with lust and love. It was sexy and sweet; slow and fast; tender and raw. Kissing Cooper was like being caught between a storm and a gentle mist. Emotions rushed over me like powerful gale force winds, yet his lips felt like soft, dewy raindrops on my skin. His mouth touching mine was powerful and thunderous, but also so very calming and gentle. It was both conflicting and harmonious. It was the essence of Cooper. I wanted to pull away, and I wanted to hold on hard. I wanted to run and I wanted to stay. I wanted to cry, and I wanted to laugh. I wanted to scream and I wanted to whisper. The things he made me feel were complete opposite feelings, yet he made me feel them simultaneously. It was like feeling scared and safe at the same time. Another conflicting sensation. It was confusing, yet I didn’t feel lost; I felt… found. Because that’s what I was – found.

  Cooper finally pulled away and rested his forehead on mine. “If I don’t stop, we’ll never get through the steps.”

  “I don’t mind taking a break,” I said with a hint of mischief.

  “Oh really?”

  “Mmm-hmm”

  “You’re gonna be the death of me, sweetheart.” He blew out a breath and ran his fingers through his hair. “Come on. Let me show you a couple more things today and we’ll pick back up tomorrow.”

  I give him a playful pout. “Fine. What’s next?”

  “Face me. I’m going to put my arms around your throat. Tell me, how would you get away? Show me what you would do.”

  I latched onto Cooper’s arms and tried to pull his hands off me.

  “Stop right there. See what you’re doing? That’s never gonna work. You’re wasting your energy and it’s a battle you can’t
win. What you need to do is to bring your arms down and bring one hand in between my arms and up to my esophagus and press in. Like this,” he demonstrated, “…keeping that arm extended while you are taking a step back. This causes me to release my grip on you because I can no longer breathe. As soon as I let go, you are able to run. Let’s try it again.”

  We practiced that move over and over again. Each time I felt more confident than the time before. We decided to take a break and drink some water.

  “Thank you for doing this. I had no idea you could teach me stuff like this.”

  “I used to teach self-defense classes. After what happened with you, I felt so helpless, like I had failed you. I know what you’re gonna say, but it’s how I felt. When I got back home I decided that I would learn to teach women how to defend themselves.” He stared at his shoelaces. “It was the only way I could cope at the time.”

  “And now?”

  “Now I’m teaching you.”

  I put my hand on his knee. “I meant do you not teach classes anymore?”

  “Not at the moment. I’m sure I will again someday though.”

  Cooper took a sip of his water and I considered to myself how much that fateful day had changed him too.

  “I will forever be grateful to you, you know. I will never be able to say thank you enough.”

  “Don’t.” Cooper placed his finger over my mouth. “Don’t say thank you. You lived. That’s all the thanks I’ll ever need. Just tell me you love me.”

  “I love you.” And I meant it with every fiber in my being. “I love you like I can’t breathe love you.”

  “God, Lil. I love you like I can’t breathe love you too.” He closed the gap between us and leaned into me, tracing my mouth with his mouth lightly touching. “You’re so beautiful,” he said softly. He gently took me to the floor, never taking his eyes from mine. He hovered over me looking down. His eyes scanned my face, neck, chest, and stomach, drinking me in with a look of desire, need, lust, love. He moved over me almost in slow motion, taking his time to fully appreciate what he saw. He planted soft kisses all over my neck and I whimpered at the tingling sensation that he left behind by the warmth of his mouth. “Do you have any idea how bad I want you right now?”