Unplayable Lies: (The Only Golf Book You'll Ever Need)

by Dan Jenkins

  Best Traditions

  Ceremonial tee shots.

  Including amateurs in the field.

  Bringing back the past greats.

  Keeping the big veranda trees on life support.

  Welcome Reversals

  Switching the nines in ’35.

  Adding lady members in 2012.

  Contestants getting rid of their seventies bell-bottom slacks.

  Nice Strokes by Chairmen

  Cliff Roberts. Made the Masters what it is.

  Hord Hardin. Had the bent greens installed.

  Hootie Johnson. Stood up to the media heat. Refused to be intimidated by howling ladies and other protesters.

  Billy Payne. Brought in Condi Rice and Darla Moore.

  Handy Improvements

  Cumulative scoring system.

  Pressroom changed from tent to Quonset hut.

  Pressroom changed from Quonset hut to auditorium.

  New tee on 18.

  Seeing Augusta, Georgia, evolve from a strip club, tattoo parlor, army town with only one good restaurant, the Town Tavern, into a lively city that retains the scenery and charm of the genteel Old South.

  Fiercest Hazards

  Rae’s Creek on the 12th.

  The water in front of 15.

  The water left of the 11th green.

  The trees right of the 18th fairway.

  The tributary of Rae’s Creek as it idles left of the fairway and in front of the green at 13.

  Tommy Bolt in the old days—after a bad round.

  A Quote That Lives On

  Seve Ballesteros explaining how he four-putted one of the lightning-fast greens: “I miss … I miss … I miss … I make.”

  Top Quip

  Dave Marr to Arnold Palmer on the 72nd tee in 1964 when Arnold was leading by six and Dave was holding on to second. When Arnold asked Dave if there was anything he could do to help him here, Marr said, “Make a 12.”

  Best Players Who Never Won Masters

  Ernie Els, Ken Venturi, Lloyd Mangrum, Julius Boros, Gene Littler, Greg Norman, Tom Weiskopf, Johnny Miller, Curtis Strange, Lanny Wadkins, Lee Trevino, Tommy Bolt, Hale Irwin, Lawson Little.

  Memorable Shots

  Arnold Palmer stiffing an eight-iron at number 12 for a birdie in 1962. It put him in command of the playoff with Gary Player and Dow Finsterwald.

  Jack Nicklaus’s monster one-iron onto the 15th green in 1975 in the heat of the final-round battle with Johnny Miller and Tom Weiskopf. Jack gave the shot the description it deserved: “Greatest pressure shot of my life.”

  Phil Mickelson’s six-iron second out of the trees, through an opening the size of a keyhole, and onto the green for a birdie that sent him to his win in 2010.

  Tiger Woods’s chip-in birdie in 2005 from in back of the 16th green. It starts toward downtown, changes its mind, returns, and slowly creeps down a slope and into the cup.

  Amateur Billy Joe Patton’s hole in one at number 6 in 1954. It came in the last round and for a while gave him the lead over Snead and Hogan, and caused the loudest Southern whoop since the discovery of sweet-potato pie.

  Memorable Putts

  Jack Nicklaus’s 40-footer for a birdie on 16 in 1975 to hold off Miller and Weiskopf, followed by the leap that left “Bear tracks.”

  Jackie Burke’s 40-footer—it seemed longer—all the way across the 17th green in 1956 to overtake Ken Venturi.

  Ben Crenshaw’s creeping, crawling 60-footer for birdie on number 10 in the last round that paved the way for his first Masters jacket in 1984.

  Ben Hogan’s downhill 25-footer for birdie on 18 in 1967 to complete a back-nine 30 and a round of six-under 66—at the age of fifty-five.

  Tom Watson’s 20-foot birdie on 17 of the final round in 1977 that gave him the Masters over Nicklaus and served as a prelude to their monumental duel in the British Open at Turnberry in July.

  Phil Mickelson’s wobbly 20-footer in 2004 that barely toppled into the cup on the 72nd green to give him the win by a stroke as Ernie Els, “the leader in the clubhouse,” looked on.

  Free Drop, Anyone?

  Arnold Palmer invoking the embedded-ball rule at the 12th hole in 1958, turning a 5 into a 3, which won him the Masters over Ken Venturi, who grieved over it the rest of his career.

  Ernie Els out of the deep, dense forest on number 11 in 2004—a peculiar ruling at best—which could have been The Drop That Won the Masters, except Phil Mickelson overcame it.

  A Horror Film in the Making

  Greg Norman’s meltdown on Sunday in 1996. He gradually and painfully turned a six-stroke lead into a losing 78.

  Moments for Name-Dropping

  The wife and I having dinner in the clubhouse with chairman Clifford Roberts, at his invitation.

  Lunching with Bobby Jones in the Jones Cabin with Charley Price, fellow writer, who knew Jones well and got me invited. I wanted to talk about Bobby Jones and Bobby Jones wanted to talk about Ben Hogan.

  Meeting Alistair Cooke and having lunch with him on the clubhouse balcony. Herb Wind introduced him to me as “Al Cooke.”

  Meeting the Duke of Windsor on the veranda, only because Fred Corcoran insisted on introducing me.

  Meeting and having lunch with the actress Joan Fontaine in the Trophy Room, and keeping her company while her husband at the time, Alfred Wright, my Sports Illustrated colleague, went off to talk to golfers.

  The Ten Best Masters I Have Covered

  1953 Ben Hogan breaks the 72-hole record by going 14 under, starts the Triple Crown journey. Calls it “the best four-day stretch of golf I’ve ever played.” And it was on those scratchy old rye greens that seemed so fast back in the day.

  1954 Sam Snead wins a historic playoff over Hogan, 70 to 71, basically on a long chip-in for birdie at the 10th hole. Prior to the playoff, the week belonged to amateur Billy Joe Patton, who alternately won it and lost it with his brazen style.

  1956 Amateur Ken Venturi opens with a 66 and leads for seventy straight holes, looking like a lock to become the first amateur to win a major since Johnny Goodman in the U.S. Open of 1933. But on a day of furiously strong winds, he slow-bleeds to an 80, and Jackie Burke nips him by a stroke.

  1960 Arnold Palmer birdies the last two holes to edge Ken Venturi and win his second Masters and become the new big star the game had been waiting for.

  1975 Jack Nicklaus plays his grittiest pressure golf to hold off Johnny Miller and Tom Weiskopf to grab his fifth Masters.

  1980 Seve Ballesteros gives birth to European golf. And Seve-style golf. He takes a ten-stroke lead into the final nine and plays them by way of Savannah, Milledgeville, and Atlanta, but hangs on for a four-stroke win.

  1986 Not a dry eye in the house or all of outdoors as a forty-six-year-old Jack Nicklaus returns from wherever he’s been to fire a 65 on Sunday and knock off Seve Ballesteros, Greg Norman, and Tom Kite to win his record sixth Masters and eighteenth pro major.

  1995 Sentiment wins the Masters. Rather it’s Ben Crenshaw taking his second green jacket with what he calls “a fifteenth club in my bag.” Which meant the inspiration of Harvey Penick, his lifelong teacher and friend, who had passed away two weeks earlier.

  1997 Records tumble in every direction as a twenty-one-year-old Tiger Woods gives the golf world a dominating figure it hasn’t seen since Jack Nicklaus. In setting a new record of 18-under 270, he doesn’t three-putt a single green in 72 holes, which of course on the Augusta National greens is against the law. It was the start of something big that would only get bigger.

  2004 Phil Mickelson finally wins a major, and does it in dramatic fashion. Well, it had taken him long enough. He’d been expected to do it since he was born, if not before.

  Best Typing (Me Division)

  1951 “Ben Hogan played it safe this time at 18 to avoid the three-putt that had cost him the ’46 Masters. He laid up for a chip shot. How often do you see a great golfer miss a green intentionally?”

  1961 “Gary Player is the Masters champion today beca
use Arnold Palmer was in too big of a hurry to win it. The way Palmer butchered the last hole for a double-bogey 6, it might as well have been a slab of meat.”

  1986 “A strange object slowly bled to death before our very eyes for four hours, and it wasn’t even a shark. What Greg Norman did to himself was unleash every Great White Can of Tuna joke in the book.”

  1995 “Not to bury the lead, but Ben Crenshaw winning this Masters for the late Harvey Penick made it, all in all, a very bad week for atheists.”

  2009 “When Angel Cabrera wound up winning the greatly anticipated 2009 Masters, it was like going to a Broadway hit and finding out that the star, Tiger Woods, was off that night, and his replacement was the cabdriver who dropped you off at the theater.”

  2010 “Tiger Woods saved a lot of guys a lot of money. If he’d won this Masters, five million golfers would have gone into sex rehab.”

  Longest Tee Shot That Should Have Placed Bubba Watson Under Arrest

  His 366-yard drive on number 13 in the final round of the 2014 Masters turned the dangerous par-5 into a sissy and said good-bye to Jordan Spieth.

  Favorite Monuments

  Hogan Bridge at 12.

  Nelson Bridge at 13.

  Sarazen Bridge at 15.

  Me. After covering my sixty-fourth Masters in a row.

  U.S. OPEN MEMORIES

  SIXTY-ONE IS A lot of U.S. Opens and a lot of pressure—and I’m just talking about the deadlines. In any case, I invite you to de-anchor yourself and your putter and come along with me as I dredge up memories and thoughts from covering our national championship over seven decades.

  Best Question

  Jack Nicklaus to the USGA’s P. J. Boatwright in the 1972 Open at Pebble Beach: “What did you do with all the grass?”

  Biggest Distraction

  At Oakmont in 1994, Ernie Els was halfway toward winning his first U.S. Open while the rest of us were watching the O.J. Bronco chase.

  Best First Tee, Best Flagsticks, Best Quarry Holes

  Merion, Merion, and Merion.

  First Golfer to Choose Winning the Open over Death by Dehydration

  Ken Venturi at Congressional in 1964. They opened the coffin and out he crawled to shoot 66-70 the last day.

  Best Open

  Hard to go up against Palmer, Hogan, and Nicklaus battling down the stretch at Cherry Hills in 1960.

  Second-Best Open

  Hogan bringing the monster to its knees with that final-round 67 at Oakland Hills in 1951.

  Dullest Open

  No contest. The Germanater, Martin Kaymer, winning by eight at Pinehurst in 2014. Those turtleback greens sucked the life out of everything, including the press tent.

  Greatest Streak

  Ben Hogan finished in the top ten in sixteen straight Opens, winning five. Yeah, I count the wartime Open in ’42. So did he. How often do I have to say this?

  Most Surprising Winner of Two Opens

  Andy North at Cherry Hills in 1978 and at Oakland Hills in 1985. “It was an awful Open,” Andy said in ’85. “Jack didn’t win.”

  When Did Mesopotamia Get the Open?

  The clubhouse at Medinah still looks like the Babylon Marriott.

  My Favorite Courses That Have Never Held the Open (and Can’t, Won’t, or Never Will)

  Pine Valley, Cypress Point, Seminole, National Golf Links, Bel-Air, Brook Hollow, San Francisco Golf, Maidstone, Winged Foot East, Shady Oaks, Black Diamond Ranch.

  Scariest Spectator

  In the gallery at Oakland Hills in 1996 was Jack Kevorkian, “Dr. Death.”

  Funniest Thing “Dr. Death” Said

  “I’m going to walk up to Jack Nicklaus and tell him, ‘If you don’t win, I’m here.’ ”

  First Cross-Handed Putting Grip to Win Open

  Old Sarge, Orville Moody, used it at Champions in 1969. It was considered rare in golf for many years, but then the world went nutso-whacko with bellies and broomsticks and claws and claw threes and reverse retards.

  Best Quotes

  Jackie Burke on USGA officials: “Most of them don’t know the rules. They just want to play blue coat and arm band.”

  Cary Middlecoff, after winning the Open at Oak Hill in 1956 while sitting in the clubhouse, which was after he sat in the clubhouse at Medinah in 1949 and won the Open: “Nobody wins the Open. It wins you.”

  Tom Weiskopf, laughing after hearing about Johnny Miller’s 63 at Oakmont in 1973: “I didn’t know Miller made the cut!”

  Tommy Bolt at Southern Hills in 1958 after accusing a writer from the Tulsa World of printing his age as forty-nine and hearing the writer say it was a typographical error: “Typographical error, my ass—it was a perfect four and a perfect nine.”

  Lee Trevino after winning at Oak Hill in 1968 and being asked what he was going to do with all the prize money: “Buy the Alamo and give it back to the Mexicans.”

  Joe Dey, the USGA’s executive director, when hearing complaints about the punishing, unfair setup of Oakland Hills in 1951: “You play the course the way you find it.”

  Name the Player Who Has Won All of His Opens on Public Courses

  Tiger Woods. At Pebble Beach, Bethpage, Torrey Pines.

  Greatest Players Who Never Won the Open

  Sam Snead, Phil Mickelson, Jimmy Demaret, Seve Ballesteros, Greg Norman, Macdonald Smith, Nick Faldo, Tom Weiskopf, Ben Crenshaw, Lanny Wadkins, Henry Picard, Paul Runyan, Harry Cooper, Horton Smith, Denny Shute, Bobby Locke, Henry Cotton, Jackie Burke.

  Best Finishing Hole

  The 18th at Winged Foot. It’s not exactly calendar art, but this par-4 has made things happen: Bobby Jones’s 12-foot putt to tie Al Espinosa in 1929, Billy Casper’s clutch putts for pars in 1959, Hale Irwin’s two-iron shot in 1974, Fuzzy Zoeller’s white towel waving at Greg Norman in 1984, and Phil Mickelson’s mind-boggling gift to Geoff Ogilvy in 2006. One way or another, it’s a finishing hole that’s had something to say about the winner of every Open at Winged Foot.

  Worst Finishing Hole

  It’s understandable why no one has written a poem about Lucas Glover playing Bethpage Black’s par-4 18th with a six-iron and a nine-iron in 2009. It wasn’t exactly Hogan at Merion.

  The Trouble with Pebble’s 17th

  Take away two shots—Nicklaus’s one-iron stiff in 1972 and Tom Watson’s holed-out chip in 1982—and what have you got? A par-3 hole that’s long, hard, and dull.

  Last Dress Shirt and Necktie to Win Open

  Ralph Guldahl’s attire when he won at Oakland Hills in 1937, and again at Cherry Hills in 1938.

  Clubhouse That Looks the Most Haunted

  Baltusrol in Springfield, New Jersey.

  Clubhouse That Looks Most Like a Mansion Where I’d Like to Live

  Winged Foot in Westchester County.

  Clubhouse That Looks Least Like a Place Where You Would Hold an Open

  Champions, which is almost near Houston.

  Fastest Greens

  Merion, Oakmont, Oakland Hills, Winged Foot. Jack Nicklaus might as well have been talking about the four of them when he said of Winged Foot in ’74, “It’s like playing miniature golf without sideboards.”

  Best (or Worst) Rough

  Toss-up. Olympic in 1955, where it was damp, clinging, and creeping up the calves. Oakland Hills in 1951, where Sam Snead said, “These fairways are so narrow, you have to walk sideways to keep the rough from snagging your pants.”

  Even the Greatest Can Give Them Away

  1928 Bobby Jones held a five-shot lead going into the final 18 at Olympia Fields but stumbled to a six-over 77, allowing Johnny Farrell to tie him. “I finished like a yellow dog,” said Jones. Farrell won the 36-hole playoff by one stroke.

  1939 Sam Snead’s famous 8 on the last hole of the Spring Mill course at Philadelphia Country Club. A par 5 would have won, a bogey 6 would have tied, but Sam thought he needed a birdie. He drove wildly into deep rough, took four more to get out of weeds and sand to reach the green, then three-putted.

  1
946 Byron Nelson suffered a penalty stroke in the morning 18 at Canterbury when his caddie accidentally moved his ball while stepping under the ropes, yet he still had a two-stroke lead on the field in the afternoon with only two holes to play. Uncharacteristically, he bogeyed both with a three-putt and a poor chip, and ultimately lost a 36-hole playoff by a shot to Lloyd Mangrum. Afterward in a radio interview with Bill Stern, whose show was sponsored by a razor-blade company, Byron said, “Bill, if you’ll just give me one of those things you’re advertising, I’ll cut my throat.”

  1966 Arnold Palmer in the last round at Olympic held a seven-stroke lead over Billy Casper with only nine to play, but he somehow frittered all of them away, and then had to make a clutch putt on 18 to tie. In the playoff, Arnold blew a three-shot lead, but this Open was destined to belong to Casper.

  Best Shots

  1950 Hogan’s two-iron from 189 yards to the 18th at Merion to secure a par and a tie with Lloyd Mangrum and George Fazio, and put himself on track to complete the All-Time Comeback in Sports History.

  1958 Tommy Bolt’s 200-yard, uphill four-wood to the last green at Southern Hills for an easy two-putt par, permitting him to dodge one last chance to explode. “Ain’t this something?” I heard him say as I was walking with him inside the ropes. “I done Ben Hogan-ed it. Old Tom is gonna win hisself a U.S. of Open.”

  1960 Arnold Palmer’s 346-yard drive onto the 1st green at Cherry Hills, the shot that propelled him to his historic 65. Fifty years later I asked Arnold if the hole would be a par-5 for him now. He said, “No, but it would be three shots.”

  1972 Jack Nicklaus’s one-iron from 218 yards to two inches of the cup at Pebble Beach’s par-3 17th hole.

  1976 Jerry Pate’s five-iron second shot out of the rough and over the water to within two feet of the flag on the last hole to win at Atlanta Athletic Club. His reaction: “How ’bout that, sports fans?”