Unplayable Lies: (The Only Golf Book You'll Ever Need)

by Dan Jenkins

  1982 Tom Watson’s chip-in for a birdie at Pebble Beach’s par-3 17th to hold off Jack Nicklaus.

  Most Stunning Putts

  1951 Hogan’s 18-footer for birdie on the last green at Oakland Hills for his shocking 67 that brought “the monster” to his, her, or its knees.

  1983 Larry Nelson’s 60-footer at Oakmont’s 16th on the weather-delayed Monday. The putt went in for a birdie and sank Tom Watson with it.

  1990 Hale Irwin’s 45-foot birdie on the 72nd green—and his victory lap that followed. It gave him a tie with Mike Donald, whom he would beat in the playoff.

  Best Parking Spot

  The one I had for more than forty years next to the clubhouse before the USGA took it away from me and gave it to some corporate slug who would only be there for the shrimp puffs in a hospitality tent.

  BRITISH OPEN MEMORIES

  AT ALL THE forty-six British Opens I’ve covered, it’s mostly been about seeking out a good serving of fish and chips, which is usually the one where the fish tastes like chips and the chips taste like fish. But let’s move on.

  Best Oddity

  Harry Vardon won six British Opens, but never at St. Andrews. Tom Watson won five British Opens, but never at St. Andrews. Walter Hagen won four British Opens, but never at St. Andrews. And John Daly won at St. Andrews?

  Favorite Open Course Other Than St. Andrews

  Carnoustie. The name derives from two words: carn, which was the first bubble-head shepherd’s crook, and noustie, a soup consisting of sheep’s blood and minced gutta-perchas.

  But If You Want to Have Fun Playing Golf in Scotland

  Skip most of today’s Open courses. Go to North Berwick, Crail, Gullane, Dunbar, Prestwick. Blends good golf with magic scenery and Old World charm.

  First Memory of Playing the Old Course

  I was doing pretty well until I got to number 12. That’s where my caddie said, “Aye, now comes the golf course.”

  Best Par-4 (and Par-5)

  The Road Hole at St. Andrews.

  Funniest Thing Anybody Ever Said about St. Andrews

  Sam Snead, while winning the Open on the Old Course in ’46: “It looks like there used to be a golf course here.”

  Nicest Thing Ben Hogan Said about Carnoustie

  After winning the Open there in ’53: “I’ll try to remember to send you people some lawn mowers.”

  The Descriptive Jerry Pate

  Blending three sports into one, Pate said to Ben Crenshaw before the last round at Royal Lytham & St. Annes in 1979: “Gentle, you’re my pick tomorrow. I believe you can rope-a-dope that old hook of yours right into victory lane.”

  Best Request

  Jack Nicklaus’s mom to a security guard who asked why she should be allowed into the grandstand behind the 18th green at St. Andrews in 1978: “My son is about to win the Open, and I would like to watch it.”

  The Story Everyone Was Poised to Write, but …

  At fifty-nine years of age, the incredible Tom Watson missed an 8-foot putt to win the 2009 Open at Turnberry, which would have been his sixth. He then lost the playoff to Stewart Cink. I’ve been to funerals more uplifting.

  Best Decade for the Claret Jug

  The 1970s. Winners were Jack Nicklaus (’70 and ’78), Lee Trevino (’71 and ’72), Tom Weiskopf (’73), Gary Player (’74), Tom Watson (’75 and ’77), Johnny Miller (’76), and Seve Ballesteros (’79). Not a lurker in the bunch.

  Favorite Tabloid Headline

  Seen during ’92 Open at Muirfield: “Robin Hood’s Body Found in Sherwood Forest: Died Clutching Maid Marian’s Knickers.”

  Beverage Critique

  Lee Trevino having a lukewarm lager at Muirfield in 1972: “No wonder everybody over here is so wrinkled up.”

  Best Advice, Mother Division

  Adam Scott’s mother, a former club champion in Australia, to her son: “It’s all about the putting, Adam.”

  Ranking the Rota

  Number of Opens I covered by venue: St. Andrews (Old Course), eight; Muirfield, Birkdale, Lytham, Troon, six each; Sandwich (Royal St. Georges), five; Turnberry, four; Carnoustie, three; and Hoylake (Royal Liverpool), one. Favorites for combined course design, housing, village food, proximity to club: 1. Old Course, 2. Muirfield, 3. Hoylake, 4. Carnoustie, 5. Lytham, 6. Birkdale, 7. Troon, 8. Turnberry, 9. Sandwich.

  A Response to Criticism

  At wind-chilled and stormy Lytham in 1979, a competitor complained to R&A secretary Keith Mackenzie that the course was impossible and something ought to be done about it. “Well, we can’t shut it down,” Mackenzie said. “The members would only want to go out and play.”

  What Is That Out There?

  The Ailsa Craig. A bird sanctuary in the Firth of Clyde at Turnberry. It looks like the world’s largest half-sunken football, or Governor Christie.

  But the Owner Promised Four

  Our rented house at Birkdale in ’91 had one bathroom for eight guys.

  Days of His Life

  Rod Pampling led the first round of the 1999 Open at Carnoustie with a 71. But he shot a second-round 86 and missed the cut. We might have expected it from a guy whose name sounded like a British coin.

  When You Have Time on Your Hands

  Dave Marr’s 70 in the first round at Muirfield in 1972 was only one shot back of the leader, Tony Jacklin. He was invited to the pressroom for an interview. Since his tee time for the second round was not until four thirty the next afternoon, he was asked how he would spend all that time. Marr said, “Oh, I’ll tour Edinburgh Castle, do a little shopping, probably take in a movie.”

  Best Hole in One

  Gene Sarazen, then seventy-one, aced the Postage Stamp at Troon with a five-iron in 1973, and received a wire of congratulations from Howard Hughes. In the second round, Sarazen holed out from a bunker on the same hole—the 123-yard 8th—for a birdie. So the geezer in plus-fours played the hole in three under par and never had to putt.

  Best Player Who Never Won the Open

  Byron Nelson. But he entered only twice. He was fifth at Carnoustie in 1937 on a trip that primarily involved the Ryder Cup, and he finished T-32 at St. Andrews in 1955. Which happened to be the journey where he won the French Open at La Boulie near Paris. This was Byron’s last pro victory, coming nine years after he’d retired—and the best he could do was shoot 271, a mere 17 under par.

  Sometimes Rules Are Quite Stupid

  In 2003 at Sandwich, Mark Roe and Jesper Parnevik forgot to exchange scorecards on the first tee and didn’t realize it until it was too late. Therefore, they signed for the wrong score and were disqualified. It was hard to believe that the officials didn’t know that Roe had shot the 67 and Parnevik had shot the 81. But rules are rules, the R&A said. One could only wonder if rules would have been rules if this had happened to Tiger Woods.

  You Don’t Skip a Major

  Curtis Strange did in 1985. He skipped Sandwich. Earlier in the year he had refused to lay up in front of the creek at 13 and blew the Masters. This time he laid up short of the Atlantic Ocean.

  These Darn Inconveniences

  A contestant named Richard Boxall was challenging for the lead in the third round at Birkdale in 1991 when he collapsed after hitting his tee shot at the 9th hole. Broken leg. Colin Montgomerie, in the same pairing, played on, and later said, “I was totally devastated. My concentration went completely.” So, Colin. Let me see if I understand this. Your eventual tie for twenty-sixth was the guy’s fault for breaking his leg?

  As Nicknames Go

  When Ernie Els punished the press by losing the playoff to a total unknown, Todd Hamilton, at Troon in 2004, he earned a new nickname. The Big Queasy. But the likable and cooperative Ernie has made up for it since. Like winning at Lytham in 2012. And it’s not to be forgotten that Els has two U.S. Opens and two British Opens in the bank.

  Breaking the Code

  Nick Faldo had been mentioning “code name Basil” in regard to some secret improvement in his game, but he didn’t reveal th
e secret until his win at Muirfield in 1992. Basil referred to a hand puppet called Basil Brush, which used to appear on British TV. David Leadbetter, Faldo’s instructor, told him to think of brushing the top of the grass with his putter through impact, but the putterhead must accelerate through the stroke. Only Basil to win an Open.

  When Honesty Prevailed

  Greg Norman, after losing the four-hole playoff at Troon in 1989 although he’d birdied the first two holes, was asked whether destiny owed him one. His response: “It [expletive deleted] owes me about four.”

  They Do Good Streakers

  Peter Jacobsen took one down—a guy—at Sandwich in 1985, and explained later, “You have to square up like a linebacker, but right before impact, make sure you turn your head.” It was a sixteen-year-old girl named Sherrie Bevan at Birkdale in 1991 who shed her togs and gave José María Olazábal a kiss as he strode down the first fairway. “I don’t know what got into her,” Sherrie’s mother said. “I looked around, and she was out of it.”

  Worst Speech

  At the annual British Golf Writers dinner in St. Andrews before the 2010 Open got under way, Prince Andrew was the featured speaker. Everybody was excited, right up until he spoke. And spoke. And spoke. To say the speech was dreary and uninformative would not be accurate enough. When it finally ended, Alastair Johnston, the Scotsman who for years at IMG looked after Arnold Palmer and Gary Player, and who was seated at our table—the Golf Digest table—said, “Now I remember why I wanted to immigrate to the United States.”

  Best Open I Covered

  Almost too many to choose from, typewriter-wise. The Watson-Nicklaus duel at Turnberry in ’77. Trevino, Nicklaus, and Jacklin fighting it out at Muirfied in ’72. Palmer trouncing Troon in ’62. Mickelson’s marvelous finish at Muirfield in 2013. But I’ll go with St. Andrews in 1970. Jacklin firing eight under through the first ten holes in the first round. Lee Trevino leading after 36 and 54, and saying to Prime Minister Edward Heath on the first tee, “You ever shake hands with a Mexican?” Then the Jack Nicklaus–Doug Sanders battle in the last round and playoff, and Jack dramatically discarding one of his two sweaters to drive the last green for a birdie to narrowly win, 72–73. This after Sanders had blown a two-and-a-half-foot putt on the 72nd green that would have given him the title.

  Gerald Micklem, a pillar of British golf, four-time Walker Cupper, a gent who seemed to have stepped out of a P. G. Wodehouse short story, was standing with Barbara Nicklaus in the gallery at 18 at that moment as Sanders hunched over the putt. “Congratulations,” Micklem said to Barbara. “Your husband has just tied for the Open Championship.” Barbara looked surprised, if not confused. Micklem added, “It looks like it breaks left, but of course it breaks right.” Local knowledge. Doug didn’t even hit the cup.

  Favorite Quote

  David Huish, the club pro at North Berwick, led through 36 holes at Carnoustie in 1975 with rounds of 69-67, but he fell apart and finished tied for thirty-second place. Not disappointed, Huish said: “I’m happy to be goin’ back to Berwick and watchin’ them caramel-chewers lobbin’ their Dunlops into the bay.”

  PGA MEMORIES

  SOMETIMES I WISH I’d been able to cover the PGA Championship in the quaint days of match play, which ended in 1957. It would have been fun to try to make sense of lurkers like Frank Walsh, Henry Williams, and Felice Torza making it to the finals, or trying to comprehend lurkers like Tom Creavy and Bob Hamilton actually winning it in the finals over Denny Shute and Byron Nelson. Did I say fun? I meant inconvenient.

  But I’ve managed to make it to a total of fifty-three PGAs contested at stroke play, and that’s more than enough to stock a man with a collection of agonies and ecstasies.

  Assessing the Evidence

  Auburn University conducted its own in-house investigation and found no evidence of any wrongdoing with Jason Dufner winning the 2013 PGA at Medinah.

  If Only Twitter and Instagram Had Been Around Then

  During Larry Nelson’s winning of the 1987 PGA, his third major, at the PGA National in West Palm Beach, Florida, he was upstaged by a killer blond in a lime-green bikini who commandeered a boat to get to the floating scoreboard at the 18th hole.

  Only Roman Numeral to Win a Major So Far

  Davis Love III, 1997 PGA at Winged Foot

  Hard to Fool a Wife

  When Jack Nicklaus shot a 79 in the first round of the 1978 PGA at Oakmont, Barbara said, “He even walked sloppy.”

  Deep Trivia

  Name the only four players who won the NCAA and the PGA. Answer: Jack Nicklaus (Ohio State), John Mahaffey (Houston), Tiger Woods (Stanford), Phil Mickelson (Arizona State).

  Giving Up Smoking Could Be Hazardous to Your Golf Game

  While trying to quit smoking, Arnold Palmer shot an 82 in the 1969 PGA on the NCR course in Dayton, which moved Dave Marr to tell him, “Arnold, you gave up smoking and golf the same week.”

  Nine Is a Crowd

  That PGA in Dayton was the one where nine guys tied for the first-round lead with 69s. They were the eventual winner, Raymond Floyd, and Charles Coody, Larry Ziegler, Tom Shaw, Bunky Henry, Larry Mowry, Johnny Pott, Bob Lunn, Al Geiberger. World record, far as I know.

  How to WD

  It was drizzling during the second round at Tanglewood in 1974 when Tom Weiskopf arrived at the 16th green. By one count, Weiskopf managed to nine-putt, occasionally gripping the putter upside down. “I’m injured and I quit,” Tom announced to an official. When the official asked what his injury was, Tom said, “I’m 25 over.”

  It’s a Whole New World

  In 1996 at Valhalla, caddies rebelled and wore shorts for the first time, to combat the insufferable Louisville heat. They were told to wear pants or leave. Now it’s shorts everywhere. Caddies, sportswriters—everywhere but on me.

  The Shirt from Hell

  It was the blue-and-white polka dot that Steve Elkington wore at Baltusrol in 2005. I take back what I wrote. It didn’t look as much like a frock that Joan Crawford sold on eBay as it did Ron Turcotte’s silks when he was up on Secretariat.

  Fame Is Fleeting

  Ed Dougherty was asked at Firestone in 1975 when he came in only two off the lead after a first-round 69 if he had ever been on a leaderboard before. He said, “Yeah, at Westchester I made four birdies in a row. But then I started going bad, so while one guy was putting up the Y, another guy was taking down the D.”

  Criticisms That Make a Writer’s Day

  Lee Trevino at Oakmont in 1978: “The only way to stop a ball around here is call a policeman.”

  Jack Nicklaus in 1982 at hot, humid Southern Hills, one of the few courses where he never won a major: “I’m not sure I could play well at Southern Hills if it was air-conditioned.”

  Paul Goydos reviewing the renovation of Oakland Hills for the 2008 PGA: “If you had Rees Jones redo Scrabble, he would leave out all the vowels.”

  Tom Weiskopf commenting on George and Tom Fazio renovating Oak Hill before the 1980 PGA: “I’m going to organize a Classic Golf Course Preservation Society. Members get to carry loaded guns in case they see anybody touching a Donald Ross course.”

  Explanation for a Quad

  André Romero explaining a 78 at Oakland Hills in 2008 that featured a quadruple 8 at number 16: “I was disconcentrated the rest of the round.”

  The Non-Charge

  Vijay Singh won a three-hole playoff over Justin Leonard and Chris DiMarco in 2004 at Whistling Straits after a final-round 76, which was the highest last round for a winner in any major since Reg Whitcombe won the British Open in 1938 at Sandwich with a 78 in a storm that blew down the exhibition tent.

  Low Perm

  Fuzzy Zoeller showed off a new hairdo while finishing second to Larry Nelson at Atlantic Athletic Club in 1981. In the locker room, Jerry Pate said to Fuzzy, “I’ve only seen hair like that on the back of a dog.” Fuzzy’s comeback: “Oh, yeah. How about you? Ever seen a bald-headed dog?”

  He Used to Be a Bank Teller?

/>   Woody Austin, after Tiger Woods’s second-round 63 at Southern Hills in 2007: “I outplayed him all day, but he beat me by seven strokes … I don’t get it.”

  Best Putting Exhibition

  Has to be forty-five-year-old Jerry Barber at Olympia Fields in 1961. He holed three monsters on the last three holes of regulation—20 feet for birdie, 40 feet for par, and 60 feet for birdie—to tie Don January, who had been rehearsing his victory speech. Barber did it again to win the playoff, 67 to 68.

  Somewhere along the way that week I was in the locker room chatting with January and a few other pros sitting around. Cary Middlecoff, Doug Sanders, Doug Ford, others. I asked what any of them thought about the phenomenal amateur Jack Nicklaus. I think it was Middlecoff who said, “If he thinks he can play, let him come out here.”

  Well, he did. And …

  Best Runaway

  When Rory McIlroy, the boy king, won the 2012 PGA at Kiawah by eight strokes over David Lynn with a last-round 66, it topped Jack Nicklaus winning by seven over Andy Bean at Oak Hill in 1980. Biggest runaway in a match play final belongs to Paul Runyan. He gave Sam Snead a lesson in chipping and putting at Shawnee-on-Delaware in 1938, beating him 8 and 7.

  Speaking of Runaways

  Jimmy Demaret used to dine out on his 10-and-9 loss to Ben Hogan in the semifinals of the 1946 PGA at Portland Golf Club. Jimmy loved for people to ask him what Hogan said during the match.

  Jimmy would report, “Most of the time he’d say, ‘You’re away.’ ”

  Riviera’s Prank

  During the ’95 PGA at Riviera, a rumor floated that O. J. Simpson’s handicap at the club had been mysteriously lowered in the past year of his incarceration. Pranksters apparently had been punching in low scores for him on the golf shop computer. He was now a four instead of a 16. Surely that was punishment enough.