Booze O'clock

by Bijou Hunter

  “We have to go to West Virginia,” Minnow says, hugging me. “Are you coming too?”

  “I don’t think so. Maybe next time.”

  “You can stay in our house when we leave,” Murphy says, pulling the chair next to me from the table. “I want to eat here.”

  “Where’s Bianca Bella?” I ask Cricket while helping Murphy and Minnow into their chairs.

  Cricket stands in the kitchen with Poet just behind her. “She was walking from her casita to the house in slippers and slid on a patch of ice near the pool. Landed hard on her ass. We iced her butt cheeks something fierce, but she was still in too much pain to drive over. We’ll bring her food home.”

  “I hope she feels better.”

  “Oh, she’ll be fine. It’s not the first time her ass and the ground have fought. At first, I blamed her for wearing slippers instead of real shoes, but Poet pointed out it’s actually his fault for not putting out salt. Who knew?”

  “I fell down on the job,” Poet says, opening his beer. “We don’t have much use for salt on the walkways back in West Virginia. No one takes strolls when it’s icy.”

  “Lazy hillbillies,” Cricket says and pats him on the ass. “How I love those freaks.”

  “Save it for this weekend when you can share that love up close and personal with the lazy, hillbilly freaks.”

  “When will you be back?” I ask.

  “Next weekend. We bounce back and forth between homes and in-laws. Neither of us does well for too long without our families around.”

  Cricket and Poet share a sweet smile before Chipper breaks it up by asking what they want on their pizzas. I stand to help him, but he waves off my attempt and smiles.

  “You rest up for later,” he says, giving me a wink.

  I grin at his expression as he leaves the room, but the mini-twins soon demand my attention. They talk about their other house, and how they play with their cousins who are bigger. They also tell me about their dog at the other house named Jimmy.

  “He eats hot dogs,” Murphy says. “His farts smell like hot dogs too.”

  Minnow giggles at her brother’s comment and then they push their foreheads together in some kind of weird twin mind meld.

  “Did you and Chipper do things like that?” I ask Cricket.

  “We did and still do. Sometimes, we hold hands when we’re out together. Poet thinks it’s creepy and incestuous, but Chip and I would never nail each other. It’s all about our love.”

  I must wear a shocked expression because Cricket and Candy laugh. I catch Poet snickering too.

  “Love is good,” I say when I can’t think of a single other response.

  “What did I miss?” Chipper asks, returning to the kitchen.

  “I was telling Tatum how you and I don’t have sex.”

  “Good,” Chipper says immediately. “I forgot to mention that to her so far.”

  Candy sighs. “I’ve raised two healthy young people.”

  “Yes, Mother,” they say in unison.

  Before Cricket and Chipper mind meld and make the moment more awkward, Murphy yells, “Pizza!”

  “I’m on it, little man,” Chipper says before asking the mini-twins what they want on their mini-pizzas. Murphy keeps pushing for extra tomatoes and peppers while Cricket shakes her head. Minnow says she only wants cheese.

  “Pizza gives me gas,” she explains, sounding like Hayes.

  Refusing to sit on my butt while he cooks, I help Chipper get the pizzas into the brick oven. The mini-twins suddenly realize Dog Balthazar is in the house and run to him. They sit on the floor next to the lounging dog and pet his head.

  “He’s tired,” they tell me.

  I can’t stop smiling at the cuties until I catch Cricket watching me.

  “How soon do you think you’ll make a baby Chipper?” Cricket asks, taking her brother’s hand.

  “For fuck’s sake, we just met and moved in together,” Chipper says without any real effort.

  After swallowing a spare pepperoni, I smile. “I wouldn’t mind having one right away. I guess we’ll see what God has in mind.”

  “Are you sure you want to rush into motherhood?” Chipper asks, dropping his sister’s hand and taking mine. “I’m very okay with waiting.”

  “You know I love kids, and I’m psyched to make a big-eyed, bald, possibly part-alien baby.”

  Candy smiles at me. “Chipper was a beautiful boy. Sweet too. I still remember the first time he said, ‘mama’ clear as day. I was having a really shit day. The OG twins were sick, and I was puking out my guts. Then Chipper crawled over to me and said, ‘mama.’ Just like that, he made everything okay.”

  Cricket hugs her mom. “He really was a sweet boy. Great hugger too.”

  “And now he’s in love. Where did the time go?”

  Chipper frowns at the display from his mother and sister. I just squeeze his hand, relieved to be happy after so many weeks of only grief and anger. Now I’m able to see past my pain and toward a brighter future.

  CHIPPER

  The pizzas go over like gangbusters as usual. Tatum even bakes the last few on her own before serving them to Hayes and Cap. She barely makes eye contact with either man, but she’s on her way to becoming their best friends no doubt.

  By the time Tatum sits on the floor with the mini-twins and Dog Balthazar, I’m literally speechless. Unable to take my eyes off her golden hair shining in the fire’s light, I’m lost in my thoughts of our future together. Unfortunately, Hayes knows how to break her spell.

  “Where’s killing Howler on your schedule?” Hayes whispers to me while we stand in the kitchen drinking beer.

  “Why kill him?”

  “He’s a threat to your girl.”

  “My woman.”

  “She’s pretty fucking young, Chipper,” he says, giving me a disapproving look that’s full of shit.

  Not enjoying his attempt at a guilt trip, I toss out a visual he can’t get enough of. “Tatum’s not much younger than Cricket was when she first rode Poet’s dirty biker dick.”

  Hayes gives me a pissed glare, and my smile widens. “Exactly. Too young.”

  “Well, Tatum can’t wait until you approve. The woman needs my baloney pony now.”

  Hayes runs his giant hands through his thick, graying hair. “Is this girl just your fuck toy because I don’t plan on learning new information about her if she’s temporary?”

  “She’s mine. Wait, don’t you remember when I mentioned that earlier, Papa?”

  “Stop with the senile shit.”

  “Or what, old man?”

  Hayes throws a punch he knows I’ll easily dodge. “Shit stain.”

  “Thanks, Dad.”

  Hayes rolls his eyes, even though we both know he digs how I call him dad. He especially liked when I used the term of affection in front of my bio dad.

  “So when are you killing Howler?” he asks again.

  “I’m not. He’s old as fuck. What’s the point of ending his life when he has only his worst years ahead of him?”

  “He’s not that much older than me.”

  “Oh, no, Daddy,” I say, sounding sad. “You’re still young. Though you have forgotten shit a lot lately.”

  “I’m going to hit you for real soon.”

  “And it’ll hurt just as badly as if a man half your age hit me,” I say, giving Hayes a wink while struggling against my laughter. His irate expression is fucking priceless.

  “Howler might get it in his rotted brain to kill his long-lost daughter. Then what, fucker?”

  “He’ll only care about Tatum now if she tries to get his money, but it’s too late to make a move against her. Once I told Bonn, he told Ruby. You know she told Clara Hallstead who must have told the other Hallstead women. Howler can’t make a public stink once his sisters are in the know.”

  “You better hope so.”

  Downing my beer, I watch Tatum. She’s happy and relaxed now, but it’s temporary. Her pain won’t go away after one great
night of sex. Hell, even a week of stellar fucking probably won’t do it. She needs a lifetime of loving to help her move past the loss she’s suffered.

  “Come to think about it,” I mutter, “I should fuck with Howler as a gift to Tatum. Killing him, though, is overkill. The guy’s rotting from the inside out. Why hurry along his demise?”

  “If it was me and Candy was Tatum, I’d kill Howler.”

  “Bullshit. You’ve never been known for killing people. I don’t believe you’d do something so against type,” I say and somehow don’t laugh.

  Hayes exhales roughly, rumbling like a failing generator. “Killing him proves you care about Tatum’s safety.”

  “Not killing him proves I care about her need for revenge. He’s a sick, old fucker, and I want her to watch him fall apart. Tatum’s spent years building him up into a fearsome bastard he’s long stopped being.”

  “Fine, do your stupid thing.”

  “Don’t be mad, Daddy. I think your idea is smart too.”

  “Eat shit, fuck face.”

  Laughing, I pull at his sweater sleeve. “I’ll let you help me with my plan, big guy.”

  “I’m not helping you do shit.”

  “Don’t pout. I said I liked your thing too.”

  Hayes shrugs free from my grip and storms out of the kitchen. I know his anger is all for show. He loves throwing a raging fit, but no one fucks with him these days. He’s been too scary for too long, and White Horse is run too well for anyone to take on the infamous Junkyard Dog.

  My dream is to still inspire such fear in my enemies when I’m drawing Social Security. Just like my dear old dad.

  11—TATUM

  Chipper and I take a few days off work. Mostly because I’m in a state of bloody misery from being on the raging rag.

  On the first day, I avoid Chipper as much as possible. He gets on my nerves easily, and I find myself wishing he was mute. He also smells weird. Besides, I think maybe he’s in love with Cricket and how can I compete with twin love?

  On the second day, I remain very suspicious of him and spend most of my time lurking in doorways of rooms he’s inside. Chipper still smells weird, but I no longer hope he loses his ability to speak. He even makes me laugh a few times. Plus, I’m fairly certain he isn’t involved in an incestuous relationship with Cricket.

  Then around midnight, I get the bright idea to perform my first blowjob which turns into a handjob when I get lockjaw, and Chipper fears his chopper won’t survive.

  On the third day, we have sex in the shower. I hadn’t wanted to screw at all while on the rag, but Chipper now smells fantastic, and his voice is incredibly sexy, and I’m wholly on board with his completely normal relationship with Cricket. Mostly, I need sex after catching sight of him shirtless. My body really needs so little stimuli to begin reminiscing about his chopper’s many talents.

  On the fourth day, my period is no more than spotting, and I feel like a normal person again. Back at work, Chipper and I return to visiting restaurants. He also insists we stop by The Coat Factory to buy winter-appropriate outerwear for me.

  Chipper picks an olive-green, down parka very similar to the one I own except his choice costs a hundred dollars more and will apparently keep me from freezing during the winter. I still think we should have looked at Walmart instead. Then Chipper reminds me of how indecisive I am at shopping. That’s when I remind him of how grateful I am that he not only chooses the coat but pays for it. Finally, we make out for twenty minutes in the car before Chipper decides he needs to make a quick stop at the house for a quick stop inside me.

  Once back in the car, I can still feel Chipper in my body. I also feel the sticky goodness that might one day make a little Wilburn. Before I can get too excited about a possible baby, my heart reminds me how Mom will never meet my children. With a mental snap of the fingers, I’m torn between joy and misery, not to mention the guilt at feeling joy when I should only feel misery.

  Chipper doesn’t tell me where our next stop is, and I don’t ask. My frazzled brain flips back and forth from happy thoughts of waking next to Chipper and painful memories of my mom on her deathbed. Chipper is a gift at a time when I should only know suffering. My mother just died, and I’m falling in love. How does that not make me a monster?

  Chipper pulls through the gate at Cricket’s house and parks his SUV in front of the garage.

  Leaning over to give me a tender kiss, Chipper murmurs, “I’m ditching you for a few hours.”

  “What?” I ask in a voice that gets obscenely high-pitched.

  “I didn’t want to leave you alone at home, so I’m ditching you with people to entertain you.”

  Flustered by this change in plans, I cross my arms and mutter, “I’m not a child.”

  “You can’t stay home alone. You’ll get lonely and sad and start crying. Then I’ll feel like a jerk for leaving you. This way, you’ll be too busy chatting with the girls to cry, and I won’t have to feel guilty.”

  “Where are you going?”

  “I have a few errands to run.”

  Tightening my arms across my chest, I say through clenched teeth, “I’m your assistant, so I should run them with you.”

  “These are personal errands.”

  Narrowing my eyes, I grip his sleeve. “I want to come with you.”

  “Sorry, Breezy, but Daddy needs to do his business alone.”

  “If Daddy ditches me, I imagine his breezy will throw a huge f’ing fit later tonight.”

  “It’s okay,” he says, leaning over to kiss my cheek. “You can say fucking. This is America.”

  “Tell me where you’re going.”

  “I’m getting you a gift, okay? Can you see why you can’t come with me?”

  “I don’t need anything.”

  Chipper sighs and opens his door. “The holidays are just around the corner. I don’t know how you rolled in Florida, but here in Tennessee, we deck the motherfucking halls. So scoot inside and enjoy some gossip while I look for a special gift for my sweet baby.”

  “This daddy, baby thing isn’t working for me.”

  “Give it time.”

  Chipper climbs out of the SUV and comes around to the passenger side where I refuse to exit.

  “Two weeks is all you get,” I reply, still not moving.

  “Oh, that’s plenty of time to wear down your resolve. I can be quite the fucking nag if need be.”

  “I believe it.” When I don’t move, Chipper sighs at my stubborn refusal. “Let’s compromise. I’ll come with you but wait in the car.”

  “So adorable.” Chipper removes my seatbelt and then proceeds to lift me from the SUV and set my feet on the ground. “Come along before you freeze.”

  “I want to stay with you.”

  “I don’t blame you,” he says, pushing me along toward the front door. “You and I together are fucking magic.”

  “Just let me wait in the car.”

  “No, it’s too cold.”

  “You can leave the car running.”

  “Bad for the environment.”

  I don’t know why I try to run since I have absolutely nowhere to flee, but I do it anyway. Chipper wraps an arm around my waist as he works on opening the front door.

  “A little help here?” Chipper calls into the house while I change tactics and now try to climb him.

  “What’s happening?” Cricket says, hurrying over. Noticing my monkey routine, she frowns. “Oh, wait, I don’t understand.”

  “Tatum is unsure about my leaving her here.”

  “Don’t worry, sweetie,” Cricket says as Bianca Bella joins her. “We’ll take good care of you.”

  Refusing to back down, I wrap my arms around his neck and tighten my grip. “I want to stay with Chipper.”

  “Where are the mini-twins?” he asks in a strained voice.

  “With Poet and Hayes at the country club.”

  “Why?”

  “Hayes wants to annoy someone. When Candy couldn’t hack it, he called in
Team Beta to unleash hell. It goes without saying that if they can’t get the job done, he’ll want Team Alpha. That means we get to unleash our wonderful personalities on his victim.”

  “Don’t care. Help me get Tatum settled.”

  “She’s not a baby, Chip. If she doesn’t want to stay, why make her?”

  Struggling with my legs around his waist, he mumbles, “Because I can’t take her with me and I’m too lazy to drive back home.”

  Bianca Bella whistles and the dogs come running. Momentarily distracted, I lose my battle to climb into Chipper’s man-papoose. He slides me off him and onto the ground where the dogs greet me with a tongue bath.

  “Run!” Cricket says, and Chipper makes his getaway.

  Watching him race to his SUV, I know my behavior is stupid. Even so, I still consider running after him. The dogs keep me trapped on the ground until Chipper’s long gone.

  “So how come you didn’t want to hang out here?” Cricket asks, kneeling down to face me. “Is it Bianca Bella’s fault? I only ask because she often drives people away.”

  The women share a smile, and I assume they’re enjoying an in-joke.

  “I just want to stay with Chipper.”

  “I know you do. He’s a great guy, and we all love him, but every man needs to run away like a little bitch sometimes.”

  Nodding, I pet Wheeler’s black and white fur while the golden Redondo waits his turn. Lobo sits behind me, leaning against my back and panting as if he’s run a marathon. Cricket and Bianca Bella don’t return to whatever they were doing when we arrived. Instead, they stand nearby and stare at me.

  Finally, Cricket walks over and waves off the dogs. “Stand up, Tatum. What you need is a good hair brushing.”

  “No, thank you.”

  “Shush. I don’t like when people tell me no.”

  “I’m still telling you no.”

  Cricket and I stare at one another for a long, long time. I wouldn’t be surprised to learn five minutes pass before Bianca Bella steps between us.

  “Tatum, please do what she says. Otherwise, I’ll need to stand here and watch you two stare at each other. I don’t know if you’re aware but that shit’s super fucking boring.”