Steady

by Nicole Tillman

  Normally, when I met someone new and their eyes lingered on my scar, it rubbed me the wrong way. But Ellen had looked at the jagged line many times and it never struck me as rude. Mostly because of the way her eyes dulled, her forehead lined, and her lips pursed. She wasn't looking just to look. She wasn't one of those people who gawked in morbid curiosity.

  She was just being a mother- a mother who knew that her son's heart beat just on the other side of that scar. So no, the look in her eyes wasn't curiosity, pity, or repulsion. It was longing. Longing for the life she lost, the love that had slipped away, and the son she'd never hold again.

  There were so many times throughout lunch that I'd wanted to reach over, take her hand, and apologize. I wanted to apologize for taking her son's heart- for living while he died. But I couldn't do that. Because it wasn't true.

  I hadn't taken anything. It was given to me. And if it hadn't gone in my chest, it would have gone in someone elses. My fate, as well as her son's, was out of my hand, so there was no reason for me to be apologetic. If there was anyone that had any say at all in what happened that night, it was Jay and Jake's father.

  “So, what do you two have planned for the rest of the day?”

  Jay wiped his face on a cloth napkin and shot a mischievous grin my way. “I was thinking of taking Bree fishing out on the pond.”

  I had to bite my lip to keep from laughing. I'd never been on a pond in my life and I'd definitely never been fishing.

  “Well, your tackle box and poles are out on the back porch, hon.” Ellen's eyes shimmered with tears again as she turned to me. “I'm sorry I have to leave you guys here by yourself. I promised Lynn down the road that I'd go out and help her pick blackberries. She's getting up there in years and it makes me nervous seeing her out there among the briars all alone.”

  “Because your such a spry young thing?” Jay teased.

  Ellen swatted at her son, but leaned forward to kiss his forehead. “One of these days, I hope you have children that mock you in your old age.”

  Jay just smiled at his mother as she threw her purse strap over her shoulder.

  “If I don't make it back before you leave, it was lovely to meet you, Bree.” I turned in my chair, but Ellen laid both hands on my shoulders, forcing me to stay seated. When she spoke, her solemn tone took me by surprise. “I never in a million years thought I'd have my son's heart in this house again. You are welcome back here anytime you'd like, you hear?”

  A tangled knot of emotions suddenly lodged itself in my throat and I lost the ability to speak, so I just nodded and blinked against the tears begging to be set free.

  “Okay,” she said. “I'll see you kids later.”

  As I watched Ellen descend the steps and take off toward her car, a part of me longed for her to come back. I knew exactly what part of me that was.

  The part that she'd given life to.

  Chapter Twelve

  “I'm not doing that.”

  “Why not?” Jay looked between me and the poor defenseless worm he held in his hand. “He won't mind, I promise. He won't feel a thing.”

  Jay didn't have any problem guilting me into going fishing with him, and I was eager to try something new, but watching that earthworm wriggle in his hands made me second guess how little of a fight I'd put up.

  “You are such a liar! How is he not gonna feel getting skewered?”

  “Bree, it's a worm, not a puppy.”

  “So? It's alive. It's... wriggling.”

  Jay sighed at my refusal but couldn't hide the smile playing against his lips.

  “Fine. Would you rather use a poor defenseless hotdog?”

  “Yes! Gimme!”

  I took the processed piece of meat he handed me and slid it onto my hook.

  “Ready!”

  Jay chuckled. “You can't yell while we're fishing.”

  My brows drew together in confusion. “Why?”

  “You'll scare away the fish. Jeez, you've really never been fishing before, have you?”

  I held my fishing pole awkwardly in my lap and gestured to all the lures and thingamabobs I'd inquired about in his tackle box. “Isn't that obvious?”

  Jay's shoulders shook, but he was otherwise silent as he baited his own line.

  “Okay,” he whispered softly. “See that button right there?”

  “Yup.” I ducked my head and covered my mouth. “Sorry,” I said, lowering my voice. “Yeah, I see it.”

  “That's the release. You wanna swing back your pole like this,” he moved it to where the end was pointing away from his back, “and then press that button, and fling it out like this.”

  We watched his line fly out over the water and land with a plunk. After reeling it in just a bit, enough to create tension in the line, he sat back in his lawn chair and relaxed.

  “That's it?”

  He cocked his head to the side to look at me.

  “That's it.”

  Mirroring his actions, I leaned the rod back, pressed the button, and flung it forward. The line made a buzzing sound as it flew out into the water and landed a few feet away from Jay's.

  “Wow. That was pretty hot.”

  Grinning like a loon, I settled into my own lawn chair next to him and held the pole awkwardly in my hands.

  “What now?”

  “Now, we wait.”

  Jay took a deep breath, held it for a second, then exhaled. As he breathed out, his shoulders relaxed and the tension I hadn't noticed in his jaw visibly subsided.

  “Is this your happy place?” I asked.

  Before answering, he slid his free hand over the arm of his chair and rested his fingers against my knee.

  “I guess you could say that, yeah. Jake and I spent a lot of time here. Fishing, talking, relaxing. It was the one place where we could be completely free. We didn't have to be the perfect twin brothers out here. We could just be... whoever we wanted to be.”

  I adjusted my pole to free up one hand and laced my fingers through his.

  “And who did you want to be?”

  “Honestly?” He chuckled and I noticed a subtle blush paint his cheeks. “Neil Armstrong. He was my hero growing up.”

  “Awe, that's cute! You wanted to be an astronaut?”

  “Yup. That was the dream. Well, that was the dream until I found out that I'd have to be up in space for months at a time.”

  “And that's bad?” That kind of solitude sounded like heaven to me.

  “Eh, I didn't like the idea of leaving Jake and my mom for that long.”

  “Aw, you really were a mama's boy,” I cut in.

  Jay smiled, looking off into the distance as he thumbed through fond memories.

  “Growing up, my mom used to tell us that our hearts were flowers.”

  I raised a brow. “What?”

  “Just listen, I promise it'll make sense. She used to say that our hearts were like flowers, and love was the sun. Without love, our hearts would shrivel and all our petals would fall off. She always reminded us to keep love close, to keep each other close, and as long as we did that, our hearts would blossom and we'd be happy. She said that was the secret to life. Love. As long as you had love, nothing else mattered. Nothing...”

  Jay's smile slowly faded as he trailed off, but I knew what he was thinking.

  “Just because he's gone doesn't mean he loves you any less, or you love him any less. You still have that love. It's still right there.” I laid one finger on his chest and the side of his lips tilted up even as his eyes grew heavy.

  “You know, when-”

  Jay's words were cut off by my yelping as the fishing pole jerked in my hand.

  “Ah! Shit! What do I do?”

  Jay was on his feet in seconds, leaning over the back of my chair, both hands on mine as he showed me how to reel in whatever was at the end of the line.

  “Give it just a little slack, let it go for a second... okay, now reel it in. Wait, wait. See how he's fighting? Go slower.”

  “Okay,”
I breathed, elated at the prospect of catching my very first fish.

  As soon as the scaly creature flopped up on land, I yelled and raised my hands in victory. Jay walked to the bank and picked up the line, flashing a proud smile as he examined the fish.

  “Not bad for a first timer,” he said. “What do you think? Dinner?”

  I stood and took the line from Jay's hand. Lifting the fish up to where we were at eye-level, I twirled it around, soaking up every detail of the poor creature that was gasping for breath. As my eyes met the startled, panicked eye of the fish, I empathized.

  “Can we toss him back?”

  I knew all too well what it felt like to be a fish out of water- to feel like someone else was in control of whether or not you took your next breath. Whenever my heart ached after feeling intense emotion, or when my heart, lungs, and brain just wouldn't stay on the same track, I felt like that fish.

  “We can do whatever you want with him,” Jay answered sweetly. “He's your fish.”

  “Can you take this out?” I pointed to the hook.

  Jay took over and in just a few seconds he'd maneuvered the hook out of the poor fish's mouth and held him in one hand.

  “You're sure you wanna throw back your first?”

  Yes. My first and probably my last.

  “Absolutely.”

  “Okay.” Jay bent down, and with a tenderness I hadn't expected, slipped the fish beneath the water and let go. “See ya later, you lucky bastard.”

  ***

  After learning that I'd never driven a pickup truck before, Jay insisted that I drive home. At first, I'd thought I wouldn't feel right behind the wheel since I'd only driven smaller vehicles, but once we were flying down the old country road, I felt in complete control. I felt free.

  With the wind in my hair, the sun on my already pink skin, and Jay singing along to the radio beside me, I felt like I was on top of the world. For the first time since I'd had my chest cracked open like a crustacean, I felt lucky. Like that fish.

  “See that abandoned building right there?” Jay pointed over the dashboard.

  “The church?”

  “Yup. That was my old 'spot'.”

  I shot him a look across the cab. “And by 'spot', do you mean the place you took all your dates so you could rid them of their innocence?”

  Jay shook his head. “When you put it like that, it sounds awful.”

  Without thinking twice, I turned off into the driveway leading to the small church. The grass was so overgrown it tickled the underside of the truck as we bumped along the uneven gravel.

  Once we were behind the church and hidden from view, I shifted the truck into park and killed the engine.

  “Um, watcha doin'?” Jay asked.

  I lifted a shoulder in a shy shrug and turned to lay my feet in his lap. “You can't show me your spot and then expect me to not want to be one of the lucky girls that had the pleasure of getting to second base with The Jason Bryson.”

  “You know,” he said, scratching his chin. “I like the way you think.”

  In a flash, Jay was beside me.

  The spontaneity of the moment took my breath away just as it set my skin on fire. This wasn't planned- it wasn't even hoped for. It just happened. It was one of those opportunities that life dangles in front of you that you just have to grab.

  Jay's hands settled at my hips as his lips traced a path around my ear, down my neck, and onto my collar bone. I'd never been in a serious physical relationship because I'd never had the urge to. But what Jay was doing to my senses wasn't something I'd be turning down. It felt too good. Too right.

  His warmth, his hard body beneath my hands, the way his lips caressed their way across my shoulders- all of it stole my breath even as it set my heart-flutters in motion.

  “If this okay?” Jay asked as he slid his hand beneath my shirt.

  Breathless, I nodded. It was more than okay. It was phenomenal.

  Even when Jay kissed lower, brushing his lips across the scar separating my right side from my left, it still felt okay. It still felt like the only thing I wanted to be doing. And for once, I didn't cringe when he gazed openly at my chest.

  He could see my scar. He could see the tiny dots surrounding the solid line where the thread had held me together. He could see the way my body responded to him, chest heaving and pulse throbbing at my throat. And I wanted more. He was the only man I hadn't felt the need to hide from, and that meant something to me.

  Jay grabbed a hold of my belt loops and dragged me toward him. As he laid me out across the bench seat, my heart finally registered what was happening, and what was about to happen. And it started fumbling.

  However, being three steps ahead of me, Jay took a deep breath, focused his eyes on mine, and laid a warm hand over my spastic heart.

  “Steady.” He whispered the word just before moving his hand and laying a kiss to the left of my scar.

  My mouth fell open.

  Steady was my word. It was what I used to calm myself in times of stress. I didn't know if he'd heard me say it before, or if coincidence or fate had intervened to whisper in his ear, but one thing was clear... my heart listened.

  He gets it. He gets this...

  At that moment, I had to be closer. I wanted our hearts to beat right beside each other. I wanted our breaths to mingle between our bodies. I wanted to forget where one of us ended and the other began.

  The windshield of the truck started to fog as the last sliver of twilight fell behind the horizon. All rational thought had left my brain and all I could focus on was Jay's lips, Jay's hands, and Jay's heart, which was beating just as loudly and wildly as my own.

  Chapter Thirteen

  I walked through the front door with the biggest smile plastered on my face. There was no use trying to hide it, it was impossible. As I ascended the stairs, I rested a hand over my heart- my sated, content, but worn out heart. It ached from over-exertion as I rubbed at the spot where my breastbone had been fused back together after my transplant.

  Opening the door to my room, I flicked on the light and my smile faltered.

  “I thought you were going to get rid of it.”

  I took in Jake's clenched jaw, his probing eyes, and the hands fisted at his sides. Then, I looked at the Ouija board resting on my desk.

  Of the handful of times Jake had visited me, I'd come to notice two distinct sides of him. Playful... and pissed off.

  Obviously I was dealing with pissed off Jake.

  After throwing my bag to the floor, I placed a hand on my hip and leveled him with a heated glare. “I will.”

  “Get rid of it now, Bree. Burn it. Forget about it. Forget about me before something bad happens.”

  “Okay, calm the dramatics for just a second,” I said, raising my hands to simmer him down. “What is possibly going to happen from that piece of cardboard sitting right there. I haven't even touched it. And I don't plan to.”

  Jake, challenging my stance, crossed his arms over his chest and narrowed his eyes.

  “Burn it, and it goes away.”

  I rolled my eyes. “That's usually what happens when you burn something.”

  “No. Not the board. That.” Jake lifted a hand, pointing one finger toward my chest. I looked down, following his gaze. “The pain.”

  Okay. He had my attention.

  “It's- I don't... What pain?”

  Jake's head fell forward with a sigh before he moved to look out the window. “You're a horrible liar.”

  “Okay, even if it does hurt,” I rubbed self-consciously at my scar. “What does that have to do with the board? Huh?”

  Jake turned and the blue of his eyes, the brightness behind them, captivated me. He dropped his arms to his sides and crossed the room. Each step was slow, as if he valued keeping me in suspense – enjoyed stringing me along. And he was drawing me in further.

  Jay came to a stop at my side and I held my breath. Goosebumps exploded everywhere as he leaned over and pressed his hand aga
inst my chest.

  And I could feel it. I could feel him.

  Cold pressure. The feeling you get when you reach a bare hand beneath the snow.

  “That heart is the only piece of me that's still alive,” he whispered, speaking as he gazed at my parted lips. “And as long as I'm here, as long as a piece of me is stuck, it can't beat just for you. It's still beating for me.”

  “So-” I swallowed and cleared my throat to relieve the tension burning there. “So, if I burn it, you'll just leave? And my heart will be fine? Just like that?”

  “Yes.” His blue eyes blazed into my green, swirling and heightening the tension, the emotion, the attraction, that was brewing between us.

  That last thought had my entire body on high alert. Turns out, he was right. I was playing with fire.

  “At least, I think so.”

  Everything stopped with those few words. It was a nice reality check.

  “Wait... you think?... You THINK? How do you not know?”

  Jay spun away and his hands flew through his hair in outrage.

  “Dammit, Bree, I don't exactly have an instruction manual here!”

  “So- you just think that if I burn the board, you'll leave and this,” I slapped a hand to my chest, “will stop?”

  “I mean- I hope so.”

  “Hope. Think. Is there anything that you know for certain?”

  Jake shook his head as a deep chuckle rumbled through him. “More than I want to,” he muttered.

  I'd had enough.

  “Why in the hell are you being so damn cryptic? You can't even answer one simple question! All I want to know is why you're here and what in the hell I have to do to fix whatever it is you think I did! Just tell me! Just talk to me!”

  “I can't!” He roared. “Because I don't know! Okay!” He turned and leaned forward, invading my personal space once again. “All I know is that I was sent here because of four dumb girls and now I can't leave until I do something I really DON'T want to do!”

  “Which is what?” I cried.

  “I can't tell you!”

  I blew out a tense lungful of air. I couldn't focus. All I could do was try to staunch the tears in my eyes as I questioned my actions. Meanwhile, Jake stood there, chest heaving as if he still had functioning lungs.