Steady

by Nicole Tillman

  “Can't?” I asked, just above a whisper. “Or won't?”

  “There's not a difference. Not for me.” Jake shook his head as he squeezed his eyes shut tight. “Just burn it... please? If there's even a chance in hell that we can fix what's been done, I think we need to try.”

  I could practically see the anguish he was drowning in. It enveloped his entire body, threatening to swallow him whole.

  “Okay,” I said. “I'll burn it.”

  That seemed to placate him for the time being and we sat quietly; me catching my breath while Jake calmed his spirit.

  “One more thing,” I risked saying.

  Jake's eyes closed before he turned his back on me. “No more questions, Bree. Please.”

  I wanted to let it go, I really did. But I couldn't. I needed to know. I needed at least one answer before he disappeared again.

  So, refusing to be shrugged off, I stood and joined him at the window where he was overlooking the back parking lot.

  “How did you come back?” I approached him quietly, thoughtfully. What he said mattered, truly mattered to me. “It's been three years. Shouldn't you have, I don't know, crossed over by now?”

  Jake smiled and it lit up the room. It loosened the vice around my heart as his blue eyes sparkled with a happiness I'd yet to see from him.

  “What makes you think I haven't?”

  ***

  A week after that painful confrontation with Jake, it was Jay's birthday. Well, technically, it was Jay and Jake's birthday.

  Jake had made a point to visit me every night. Well, every night that Jay wasn't with me. I had planned to burn the board- I really did- I just hadn't found the time, nor the place. I was also scared of what would happen once I watched that cardboard turn to ash.

  For Jay's birthday, I planned on cooking him a nice dinner since he insisted I not go out and buy him a present. That was a relief to me. After all, what do you get a guy who you've been dating for less than a month?

  But the relationship Jay and I shared didn't feel that young. With all the ties connecting us, it felt like I'd known him forever. Our connection felt stronger, more concrete, than anything I'd ever felt before.

  And the ties between me and Jake?

  I tried not to think about it. I also tried to convince myself that I didn't want to burn the board purely because I didn't want him to vanish.

  But I put all those thoughts, all those problems, on the back burner as I dressed to get ready for Jay's party.

  Our dinner plans had been blown to smithereens when his mother announced that she was throwing him a huge twenty-third birthday bash at her house. And it wouldn't just be a party- no, that wasn't enough for her baby boy. She'd actually gone through the trouble of assembling a paintball course on her property. Two acres of hay bales, tractor tires, and other items to maneuver around.

  As I finished dressing in the first camouflage clothes I'd ever worn, Veronica came bouncing into the room.

  “Are you ready? Please tell me you're ready! We're gonna be late!”

  “Calm yourself,” I mumbled as I finished tying up the camo combat boots I'd gotten on sale. They were oddly adorable and also the only thing from my outfit that I planned on wearing again. “Just gotta throw my hair up and then we can go.”

  “Carter's driving,” she said before slapping her hand against the door and stomping downstairs.

  Since the camping trip, Veronica and Carter had spent more and more time together, but it was clear they were both holding back. Veronica didn't fully trust Carter not to rip her heart to shreds, and Carter wasn't sure if he was ready to take a flying leap into monogamy. I didn't blame them, honestly, nor did I care to get caught up in it. I had enough on my plate.

  After we were all dressed like a bunch of sassy soldiers, we followed Carter out to Veronica's SUV and he climbed in the driver's seat.

  “Why is he driving your car?” I asked before opening the back door.

  Veronica shrugged, but I could still see a blush form beneath her foundation. “He likes driving it.”

  Uh huh...

  They were high if they thought the three girls in the back didn't notice every time their hands twitched toward the center console before being yanked back. We all rolled our eyes at the wannabe couple up front, but otherwise kept our traps shut.

  The five of us were warmly greeted by Ellen as we hopped out of the rig looking like a bunch of Army rejects.

  “So happy to see you again,” Ellen said before pulling me into a crushing hug. “Jay and the rest of the guys are out back already.”

  I introduced her to my friends before she shooed us away and insisted we have fun.

  “Should it worry me that my twenty-three-year-old boyfriend's mother still throws him birthday parties?”

  “Hell no,” Carter said as we stepped around the house. “I'd let my mom plan my parties until I was fifty if they were gonna be this epic.”

  “So, on the Carter scale, paintball ranks above body shots?” Veronica asked. “Good to know.”

  Before the two of them could throw bedroom eyes at each other one more time, I pushed between them and headed into the field. As soon as I was out in the open, my eyes locked on Jay. He was already headed my direction, wearing a huge goofy grin, and holding what I assumed to be a paintball gun.

  “Here for another first,” I said as he gathered me into a hug and planted a kiss on my cheek.

  “Fishing virginity: stolen,” he said with a laugh. “Now, paintball virginity.”

  “Be gentle,” I teased.

  “It's not in my nature.” Jay winked and pulled me over to a group of guys, many of which I recognized from the camping trip.

  “You guys remember my girlfriend, Bree, right? From the lake?”

  They all nodded and I waved shyly as Jay introduced them by name. Then, as the rest of my crew joined us, I introduced them as well. After our two clans were on a first name basis, Ellen came out to wish us good luck.

  Jay took the liberty of strapping a mask to my face and loading a paintball gun for me. I'd never shot anything, not even a fake gun. So, I was all geared up and ready to step out onto the field and be obliterated.

  “You ready for this?” Jay asked, sliding his own mask into place.

  “Not even a little bit.”

  “Well, if it makes you feel any better, I'm really glad you're here,” his voice was muffled, but I could still tell he was smiling.

  “So you can shoot at me?”

  “Well, that... and so I could see that hot little body all decked out in camo.”

  “You're such a pig,” I giggled and fought the urge to add 'but I love you'.

  What? Stop talking, Bree. Stop Thinking! You're not even allowed to think today...

  Before I could mentally berate myself further, Jay landed a solid slap to my butt and pushed me in the direction of the team I'd been assigned.

  “Now go kick some ass!”

  ***

  I'd never imagined you could have so much fun while shooting at people and running, fully clothed, under the hot summer sun. But I couldn't remember the last time I'd laughed so hard or been surrounded by so much happiness, sweat, and curse words.

  Jay's friends were hilarious. My friends? Well, they were having a hard time keeping up. We weren't exactly the 'paintballin' type. Even though Nora and Veronica were athletes, they hadn't been able to grasp the whole 'run while looking for people who are shooting at you' thing.

  It also didn't help Veronica's case that she kept watching Carter. And Carter kept watching her- which is why he'd been shot a total of, oh- I don't know, a billion times.

  Sydney and I were the only girls on our five person team, and we thought we'd be able to let the boys do all the hard work. They'd had other plans. Two of the guys assigned themselves to us as our own personal firing instructors, while the third man seemed to avoid us entirely. Judging by the look in his eyes when we spoke, he was a nerd friend of Jay's from the computer lab and was ter
rified of the female species.

  “This is so much fun!” Sydney squealed as we ducked behind a tire the size of my car. “Seriously, I want to do this exact same thing for my birthday.”

  I laughed at the concept and rubbed my chest. My heart was holding up, for the most part, but I knew my limits. I knew I would have to take a breather soon, or someone would be carrying me back to the house after a fainting spell.

  After turning to look behind me, I noticed that the hay bale bunker at the edge of the woods was currently unoccupied.

  Perfect.

  “Be right back,” I wheezed.

  Normally, I wouldn't have cared to just lay down for a minute and have Sydney fan my face, but contrary to what I initially believed, getting shot by a paintball freaking hurt. I wasn't about to lay down in a field full of fully armed adrenaline junkies.

  After sneaking behind the hay bales without being spotted, I stripped off my mask, the camouflage shirt covering my white camisole, and unlaced my boots.

  “Gah,” I exhaled in ecstasy. “So much better.”

  Sitting in the shadows, I yearned for an extra-cold bottle of water. Or an ice cube. Or for God's sake a freakin' breeze! It was smoldering outside. How no one had fallen victim to a heat stroke was beyond me.

  The quiet crunching of leaves caught my ear and I held my breath. If someone popped over those hay bales and opened fire while I wasn't wearing my mask or my shirt, it was going to hurt like hell.

  But instead of someone coming over to ambush me, I watched Veronica and Carter sneak right past and continue into the woods. Hand in hand.

  “Good for you,” I said, smiling as I relaxed my muscles.

  “Taking a break?”

  I jumped at the sound of Jay's voice, but my eyes flew open to find Jake, lounging atop one of the hay bales.

  “Shh, you're gonna give me away.” I swatted at him, but he didn't budge.

  “Seriously?” He looked from the crowd still playing, then back at me like I'd lost my mind.

  “Oh... right.”

  Jake hopped down anyway, and slid down to sit beside me in the grass.

  “Ticker feelin' okay?” He fluttered his fingers over his chest and nodded at my scar.

  “Yeah. For the most part. I just needed,” I took a deep breath, “a minute for myself.”

  “You're kicking some serious ass out there.” He turned to look around the hay and pumped his fist in the air- someone had just been taken out. “Man, I miss paintball. I'd be ruining you right now if I was out there.”

  He was so playful and full of life, I had to laugh.

  “You're an odd sort of spook, you know that, right?”

  “If by odd you mean amazeballs, then yes, I know.”

  Judging by the girly screams filtering over my little hideout, I assumed Nora and Sydney were getting their butts handed to them.

  I laid on my belly and shuffled toward the edge.

  “Okay, I've gotta see what's happening.”

  I saddled up next to Jake and together we watched the rest of the game play out. Toward the end, when everyone was winding down and taking inventory, I could see Jay nudge some of the other guys and open his hands in question.

  He was looking for me.

  “He loves you, you know.”

  I turned to face Jake, practically colliding nose-to-nose because I wasn't aware we were so close. His eyes widened when I pulled back and, dammit, blushed.

  I shook my head and looked away, too confused and embarrassed to retain eye contact.

  “It's been less than a month.”

  “So?” Jake chuckled. “It's obvious. The boy's in love.”

  Turning to peek back around at Jay, who was still searching for me, I smiled.

  “How do you know?”

  With a deep voice that made my insides melt, just as my smile fell from my face, Jake turned to meet my eyes.

  “Because you're incredibly easy to love.

  Chapter Fourteen

  The rest of that day, as well as the rest of the summer, passed in a blur. I'd always been the kind of person who schedules every minute of every day, but being with Jay (as well as Jake) had caused me to throw structure to the wind.

  I was living for what felt like the first time in my life. Yeah, I'd always had friends, always loved what I was doing, but during that one spectacular summer, I was the best version of me I'd ever been. I was walking lighter, speaking sweeter, and appreciating everything so much more.

  The best thing about those hot summer months was my time spent with Jay. He made it his mission in life to fill my days with new experiences. After fishing and paintball came rock climbing, then jet skiing, then snorkeling, then canoeing. It was amazing how many things I'd missed out on in my twenty-one years of life.

  Even though my job consumed a large portion of my time, Jay still found ways to surprise me. A lunch here, a hike there, a make-out session behind the break room at my workplace. He set my world on fire. He made me feel things that sometimes terrified me. And I was completely, one-hundred percent blissed out. I was in love with being in love.

  The great thing about Jay was the fact that he didn't baby me. When my heart began to flutter and fight against me, he held me tight for just a minute, told my heart to shut it (in the sweetest way possible, of course) and then stepped away and gave me room to breath until I was ready to carry on.

  We laughed, we kissed, we sang, we danced, we lived. But above all, we loved. Fiercely. The way he held me, spoke to me, consumed me- it was all so violently sweet. I wanted that Ozark summer to carry on forever.

  But like everything in life, that bright, blinding contentment was only half of my life. The other half was cold, quiet, and dark. Yet, it possessed the same emotions- the same thrill.

  On the night's Jay didn't stay over, Jake was there. Like his brother, he was easy to talk to, joke with, confide in. And although there was a lightness to his mood, his presence reminded me of just how easily the promise of tomorrow could be stripped away.

  I didn't bring up the Ouija board again, but neither did he. After the intimate moment we shared behind a fortress of hay bales, I knew why. I didn't want to burn the board in fear that I would lose Jake... forever. And Jake, well, he was obviously in no hurry to leave. Aside from one lone mention of 'what's done is done', the subject was dropped altogether.

  Mistake.

  Big, big mistake.

  If I was playing with fire, Jake was playing with the sun.

  He needed to go, we both knew that. The feelings we shared were unnatural- not to mention, grossly unfair to the one person we both loved to the moon and back.

  Light and Dark.

  My Sun and Moon.

  My heart and... my 'actual' heart.

  Jay filled my days with an affection I was sure I had done nothing to deserve.

  And Jake? Jake ruled my nights.

  I slipped into sleep listening to his voice, feeling his presence cool my sheets. And when I awoke from sleep, I was always greeted with a text message from Jay, wishing me good morning.

  Surprisingly, Jay never asked about his brother again, and I didn't volunteer any information. If he didn't want to talk about Jake, I wasn't going to force the subject. With that reason alone, I justified not speaking of his brother.

  Jake was my only secret.

  My sweet, forbidden secret.

  ***

  On the last week of vacation, we decided the epic summer we'd had deserved a legendary sendoff.

  All of us.

  Carter and Veronica were officially an item after he'd sworn off his womanizing ways, and Veronica was on Cloud 9. I was happy for them, since I was experiencing my own monogamous (sort of) bliss. Sydney and Nora, on the other hand, still gagged at the sight of our two friends getting their lip-lock on in public.

  “You gotta admit, it's a little weird,” Sydney said after Nora, Veronica, and Carter left to pack their bags.

  “Well, I think it's sweet.”

 
“Yeah. Too sweet. They're giving me a cavity.”

  I turned to hide my eye-roll. Once Syd was in a relationship of her own, Carter and Veronica's PDA wouldn't bother her anymore.

  “Are you all packed and ready to go?” I asked.

  Sydney grabbed a handful of trail mix out of the bag I'd just finished filling and shoved it in her mouth.

  “For da mose parf,” she mumbled around a mouth full of cashews and M&Ms.

  I snatched the bag out of her hand and pointed upstairs. “Go! I told Jay we'd be ready by noon.” I glanced at the clock. “That's in twenty minutes.”

  “Alright, alright, I'm going.” She stuck her earbuds in her ears before whipping past me and grabbing one more handful out of the bag. I didn't bother to fight her. No one but her and Jay liked trail mix anyway.

  As I loaded up the cooler, I was blasted in the back of the head by an icy breeze. Smiling, I turned to look over my shoulder.

  “Been a while since I've seen you in the light of day,” I joked.

  “Don't go.”

  What the...?

  I dropped what I was doing to face Jake. His stiff tone, paired with the way his presence was so cold it seemed to be sucking the air out of the room had me worried.

  “What? Why? What's wrong?”

  “Don't go on this trip.” He reached out and grabbed my hand- as best as he could, which didn't feel so much like a grab as it did a cold compress.

  “I... it's just overnight. It's just kayaking. Jake, I'll be home in the morning.” I didn't understand his unease.

  “I don't care. Don't go,” he growled. “Something- something bad is going to happen.”

  The blood rushed out of my face as my heart was pulled in two different directions. Aside from talking about the Ouija board, Jake had never been so forward, so domineering.

  “How do you know?”

  “I don't- I mean, I just... I have a feeling.”

  I narrowed my eyes.

  “A feeling?”

  “Just please, trust me.” In an out-of-the-ordinary show of dominance, he placed his hands on either side of my body, bracing himself against the counter at my back. “Stay here. With me.”