Seven Letters

by Sinéad Moriarty

  ‘I’m glad I can rely on you,’ Angela said. ‘And Daddy misses her too, so you can help each other, can’t you?’

  ‘Yes,’ Izzy said, smiling at Adam. ‘And Uncle Johnny is going to let me make pancakes and eat them all.’

  Angela grinned. ‘That sounds like the perfect thing to do right now. You enjoy that.’ She stood up again. ‘I’ll get back to the ICU now. Adam, I’ll bring you in shortly to see your wife. Did the doctor explain only one visitor tonight?’

  ‘Yes,’ Adam said, ‘but Charlie would like to stay here. Is that OK?’

  ‘Of course,’ Angela said. ‘The coffee shop stays open until ten o’clock. There’s a takeaway just outside the main gate and a coffee machine down the hall. Right, I’ll check on Sarah and be back as quickly as I can.’

  She went out and Adam sank into the nearest chair. Charlie went over and put his hand on Adam’s shoulder. ‘You doing all right there, son?’

  ‘Just feel like I’m in a nightmare,’ Adam said quietly. ‘How did this happen?’

  ‘OK, Izzy-bizzy,’ Johnny said, clapping his hands. ‘Let’s get on home, shall we? Those pancakes won’t cook themselves. You say goodnight to Daddy and Granddad and we’ll see them in the morning.’

  ‘Night, Daddy,’ Izzy said, wrapping her arms around his neck. ‘Tell Mummy I love her.’

  ‘I will, Sweet-pea,’ Adam said, kissing her cheek. ‘Although she already knows it – and you know that, don’t you?’

  Izzy nodded. ‘I tell her every day.’

  ‘Me too,’ Adam said, his voice raspy with emotion.

  Johnny bent down and hugged Adam. ‘Hang in there, mate,’ he said. ‘And ring if you need anything at all.’

  Riley squeezed Adam’s hand, then Mia went over to him. He stood up and enveloped her in his arms. ‘Thanks for getting her here so fast, Mia.’

  ‘We’ll come through this,’ Mia said. ‘I’ll pick up some stuff and be back soon.’

  They drove home to the sound of Izzy’s nervous chatter. Mia stared out of the window, pushing her fears back down her throat and deep into her abdomen where they lay, causing cramps and pain but at least allowing her to breathe and function.

  When they got home, Izzy ran up to Riley’s room to see which side of the bed she’d sleep on.

  ‘Seriously? Does she have to sleep in my actual bed?’

  ‘Jesus, Riley!’ Mia hissed. ‘Just work with us on this, just for one night.’

  ‘But I’m not going to get any sleep! She’s like a kitten on speed.’

  ‘Could you for one second not think about yourself and consider the feelings of your seven-year-old cousin whose mother is … is …’

  ‘Is what? You haven’t even told me properly. You’re all banging on to Izzy about Sarah sleeping. Like, hello, I’m not thick. Is she in a coma or something?’

  ‘Keep your voice down,’ Mia said, her every nerve on edge. ‘Yes, she’s in a sort of coma. She’s suffered a brain injury.’

  Riley’s face drained of colour. ‘Shit, really?’

  ‘Yes, it is shit.’

  ‘Will she come out of it soon?’ Riley’s voice shook.

  Mia leaned against the kitchen table as a pain shot through her chest. ‘I don’t know. No one really knows.’

  11

  Mia had told Johnny that she’d head over to Adam and Sarah’s house to pick up some things for Adam, but on the way there she realized Charlie might appreciate the same gesture. Olivia was in Limerick, visiting her ‘brilliant’ son with his ‘amazing’ PhD, so Mia took the turn that brought her towards Charlie’s house and went there first.

  She let herself in and was struck immediately by how tidy the house was. It was completely different from how it had been after Penny died and before Charlie had met Olivia. A bunch of cheerful purple tulips sat in a vase on the kitchen table. The kitchen didn’t smell of fried food, and dirty dishes were not piled high in the sink. Charlie’s jumpers, socks and shoes weren’t strewn about the place. Everything was fresh and clean and smelt lemony. Clearly, Olivia was a good influence on Charlie in some ways. That, or he was scared of her and tidied up more.

  Just as Mia was feeling slightly more charitable towards Olivia, she spotted it: the beautiful photo of Charlie and Penny on their wedding day was gone. Both had their heads thrown back and were roaring laughing. Penny often said she didn’t like that photo because her mouth was wide open and all you could see were her teeth, but Mia and Sarah loved it. It captured their parents in a moment of pure joy, young, carefree and in love.

  Instead, in the spot where it had been, there was one of Olivia and Charlie taken at some golf outing. Mia wanted to throw it against the wall and hear the glass shatter. How dare she? How dare Olivia try to erase her mother from her own home?

  Mia went into the TV room to see if the photos of her and Sarah on their wedding days and photos of their children had also been moved, but they hadn’t. Sitting proudly on the mantelpiece above the gas fire were all the family photos, as they had always been. Penny was there, at the weddings and christenings, beaming out from the frames. Mia felt her heart slow down. Olivia hadn’t wiped them all out of existence … yet.

  Mia picked up a photo of her mother holding Riley as a baby. ‘Oh, Mum, where are you when I need you? Sarah’s bad, Mum. I’m terrified, but I’m trying to be positive.’ She kissed her mother’s face and sobbed into her hand. ‘I need to be strong, Mum, I know I do, for everyone, but I can’t bear anything to happen to Sarah. I love her so much. I wish you were here. You’d know what to do.’

  Mia remembered telling her sister recently about her habit of talking to Penny.

  Was that just the other day? Time seemed to have expanded in the hours since Sarah’s collapse. It was a strange feeling.

  Mia went upstairs and threw a jumper, some toothpaste, a toothbrush and a deodorant into a bag. She checked Charlie’s bedside locker and added his Kindle, some Polo mints, his reading glasses and earphones. She unplugged his phone charger and put that in as well. Then she opened the chest-of-drawers that stood in the bay window to get socks and fresh underwear. As she grabbed a pair of boxer shorts, something fell to the floor.

  Mia bent down to pick it up. Oh, my God! It was a small packet of condoms. Gross! Why the hell did they need condoms at their age? Olivia was hardly going to get pregnant. Wait until I tell Sarah, she thought … and froze. Would she ever be able to tell Sarah this story? Yes, she thought fiercely. I’ll be telling her this story soon and we’ll crack up laughing together. She pictured the scene, her sister hanging on her every word, then exploding with mirth at the mention of condoms. She willed it to be true by picturing every detail. Sarah would wake up, she told herself. Her sister would come back to her.

  After she left Charlie’s house, it took fifteen minutes to get to Sarah’s. The alarm wasn’t on because they’d left in such a rush earlier, so she turned Adam’s key in the lock, opened the door and stepped into the silence.

  She stood in the hallway, staring down at the place where she’d found Sarah that morning. It took an effort of will to walk forwards and into the house.

  It was so quiet. She kept expecting Sarah to pop out of a room and tell her the kettle was on or the wine was in the fridge. Even the silence sounded different now, deeper and sort of sinister. Mia shivered, then chided herself for being silly. She walked down to the kitchen, the beautifully clean and neat kitchen that Sarah maintained to perfection every single day. She had created a photo-montage on the back wall, with happy memories from their lives. In every one, Sarah was smiling, beaming, radiating joy: holding Izzy as a baby, marrying Adam, giving Riley a piggyback, with Mia and Penny and Charlie at Christmas years ago …

  Mia had to turn away. It was too painful. She needed to focus on the future, on the positive, stay strong for Sarah and Adam and her dad.

  Sarah’s handbag was on the kitchen counter. Mia opened it and looked inside. There was a box of paracetamol, and Mia’s heart lurched. If only Sarah had told he
r about the headaches, she’d have made her go to the doctor. Sarah’s phone was in there as well now, so she decided to bring the bag with her to Adam.

  She went upstairs to their dressing room and opened some drawers – all neatly organized. She chose a pair of bright red silk pyjamas. Sarah would like to look good in hospital. She added her sister’s hairbrush, slippers, make-up bag and face cream. She was about to leave when she decided to get a second pair of pyjamas. They’d no idea how long Sarah would be kept in, so it would be good to have a fresh change. She opened the drawer in which her sister kept them and took out a soft grey cotton pair. As she lifted them out, she saw Sarah’s diary. The famous diary. Mia smiled through her tears. She’d bought the big, chunky book for Sarah just before her wedding. But it was still going strong, all these years later. Sarah said it was the best gift because, although she only wrote in it occasionally, it created a record of her life and the good times.

  Mia picked it up and held it to her nose. The leather cover smelt of Sarah’s perfume. She inhaled deeply. Just holding it made her feel closer to her sister.

  Mia put Sarah’s belongings and some things for Adam and Izzy into a gym bag. But she kept the diary aside. As she was about to leave the room, she saw a beautiful photo of Izzy on Sarah’s bedside locker. She put it into the bag. If anything was going to make Sarah fight for her life, it would be Izzy.

  Mia went downstairs, put the diary into her own handbag, collected Sarah’s, then took the whole lot out to the car. She felt a bit guilty about keeping the diary, but she needed something of Sarah to keep her going. Adam might not even know about it. She couldn’t really explain it, but she wanted to keep it close to her, keep it safe for Sarah.

  Mia went into the waiting room and found Charlie sitting on his own. Her heart broke at the sight of him, looking so forlorn. She went straight over and sat down beside him, wrapping her arms around him and laying her head on his shoulder. ‘Are you OK, Dad?’

  He patted her hand. ‘I’ve been better, love, but I’m glad to see you.’

  ‘I hope you don’t mind,’ she said. ‘I ran into your place on the way and grabbed a few things I thought you’d need if you decided to stay over.’

  ‘That was very thoughtful,’ he said, smiling at her. ‘Thanks for thinking of me. Olivia’s coming back tomorrow. She wants to be here.’

  ‘Great,’ Mia said, hoping her tone didn’t give away her actual thoughts. Olivia would be overwhelming in this tiny room, but if she brought Charlie comfort, that was all that mattered.

  The door opened and Adam came in. Mia was taken aback by the change in him in such a short space of time. He looked exhausted and he was stooping, as if he’d aged twenty years since that morning. ‘Sit down,’ she said. ‘You look done in. How is she?’

  ‘I got to sit with her for a bit,’ he said. ‘It’s so hard because she looks just like herself, but there’s no movement. She’s hooked up to all these tubes and machines … I tried talking to her, but I don’t know if she could hear me. She didn’t react at all. Not even a flicker of her eyelids.’

  ‘Did the doctors say anything more?’ Mia asked. She just wanted someone to say, ‘It’s fine. She’ll wake up shortly, panic over.’

  ‘Nothing,’ Adam said. ‘Just that we have to be patient for all the tests to be done. But apparently that can take days. I’m already half out of my mind. This is just torture, waiting and not knowing.’

  ‘I suppose no news is good news,’ Mia said. ‘But it’s not very reassuring.’

  ‘I just want her back. I need her.’

  Mia rubbed his back. ‘That’s just how I feel.’

  ‘I remember being in this godforsaken place with Penny,’ Charlie said sadly. ‘I can’t believe I’m back with Sarah.’ His voice caught and he bent his head.

  ‘Mum will be watching out for her,’ Mia said. ‘And what about the baby? Have they said anything?’

  Adam nodded. ‘He’s OK. The neonatal team are monitoring him closely. So far, so good.’

  ‘That’s great news,’ Mia said. ‘And Sarah will wake up soon.’

  ‘What if …’ Adam pressed a fist to his forehead ‘… what if she’s brain damaged, though? What if we don’t get our Sarah back? I can’t stop thinking about it and it’s driving me insane.’

  She felt as if she’d taken a punch to the stomach. ‘Don’t go there, Adam,’ she said. ‘Modern medicine is incredible. There’s so much they can do. We have to be hopeful.’

  ‘I know,’ Adam said. ‘It’s just so hard. I’ve a million things that are freaking me out right now. All sorts of images going through my head. It’s just the damn not knowing.’

  The door opened and blue light from the corridor stretched across the tiled floor. Angela stepped into the room. ‘Just letting you know that my shift is ending in five minutes,’ she said. ‘Hi again, Mia.’

  ‘Hi,’ Mia said. ‘Any news?’

  Angela shook her head. ‘It’ll take time, I’m afraid,’ she said. ‘The tests are complicated and need to be repeated over a few days, so there won’t be any news for a while. I know it’s frustrating for you. I’d recommend you all go home and get some proper sleep. Sarah is in safe hands.’

  ‘I’m staying,’ Adam said. ‘But Angela’s right, you two should head off and come back tomorrow.’

  ‘I will,’ Mia said. ‘I want to help with Izzy and I’ll drop her to school tomorrow. I’ll come back in then.’

  ‘Great, thanks,’ Adam said.

  ‘My house is empty,’ Charlie said, ‘so I’m happy to stay.’

  ‘There’s nowhere for you to get proper sleep, Dad,’ Mia said. ‘I mean, do stay if you feel you need to, but it looks like we’ll be here for a few days, and you should keep your strength up. Why don’t you stay with us? I can make up the couch for you.’

  Charlie sighed deeply. ‘Maybe you’re right,’ he said. ‘I could stay tomorrow night, Adam, let you sleep? Now I’ll head home to my own bed, but thanks, Mia.’

  ‘We’ll play it by ear,’ Adam said. ‘But if that works out, then, yes, taking turns might be the best idea. I don’t want Sarah to be alone at any time.’

  Charlie got heavily to his feet. ‘Thanks for everything, Angela.’

  ‘No problem,’ she said. ‘I’ll get you a pillow and a blanket, Adam. I’ll be back at eight in the morning.’

  ‘Right so,’ Charlie said, gripping Adam’s shoulder. ‘I’ll be back in bright and early too. I doubt I’ll sleep anyway.’

  ‘Night, Adam,’ Mia said. ‘Don’t forget to call any time.’

  ‘I won’t. See you in the morning.’

  Mia and her father walked slowly through the quiet corridors, feeling the distance from Sarah with each step.

  ‘This is an absolute nightmare,’ Charlie said. ‘I feel so useless.’

  ‘We all feel the same,’ Mia said. ‘I feel stupid as well because I don’t have a clue what tests they’re doing. I don’t even know what to ask.’

  ‘Maybe we’ll get good news tomorrow,’ Charlie said, taking her hand. ‘A new day and all that.’

  ‘Yeah, hopefully,’ Mia said.

  Charlie’s phone buzzed and he pulled it out of his breast pocket. His face softened into a smile. ‘Ah, thank God, Olivia raced back. She’s waiting for me at home.’

  Hearing ‘Olivia’ and ‘home’ in the one sentence made Mia want to cry for her mother, but she could see how relieved and happy Charlie was not to be going home to an empty house. ‘That’s so good of her,’ she said.

  ‘She must have broken the land-speed record getting here,’ he said, chuckling softly to himself. ‘What a woman.’

  Mia’s heart thawed, just a little, towards Olivia.

  12

  ‘Morning, girls,’ Mia said brightly. She was determined to put her best foot forward and be positive.

  Izzy opened her eyes, registered where she was, and her face broke into a wide smile. ‘Hi, Mia,’ she said, sitting up.

  Mia marvelled at how instantly sh
e was awake. It was hard to believe that in just eight short years she’d be like Riley.

  ‘Jesus, curtains,’ her daughter grunted, pulling the duvet roughly over her head.

  ‘I’m not closing them. It’s time to get up,’ Mia said. ‘Your dad has a delicious breakfast on the go, so have a shower, get dressed and come down. I’ll help you, Izzy. I washed your uniform last night, so it’s all ready for you.’

  ‘But I never did my homework,’ Izzy said suddenly. ‘I’ll be in trouble.’

  ‘Don’t worry about it,’ Mia said soothingly. ‘I’m going to bring you in and explain everything to Miss Dixon.’

  ‘What’s that smell?’ Izzy said, sniffing the air.

  ‘That’s your uncle’s French toast,’ Mia said. ‘Come on, let’s get you dressed and your hair brushed and plaited. Then we can eat.’

  An hour later, everyone was fed, Riley had graduated to full sentences and Mia was anxious to get the girls to school, then go on to the hospital. Adam had texted to say no change and no updates yet, but Mia was itching to be near Sarah.

  ‘Everybody got everything?’ Mia said. ‘Then let’s go.’

  Izzy was quiet on the journey to school, and Mia kept glancing at her in the rear-view mirror. She was obviously preoccupied, and Mia could only imagine how unsettling this was for her. Sarah disappearing so suddenly wouldn’t make any sense to her. Mother and daughter had never been apart and did everything together, so Izzy’s world had been turned upside-down. Mia prayed that Sarah would pull through quickly and they could all get back to normal.

  At the school, Mia brought Izzy to her class and watched her until she was seated and ready. Then she motioned to Miss Dixon to step outside the room. ‘Vanessa, Izzy’s mum was hospitalized yesterday.’

  ‘I’m so sorry,’ the teacher said, looking concerned. ‘Will she be all right?’

  Mia swallowed. ‘They aren’t clear yet on the problem. They’re running tests. Anyway, Izzy is upset and naturally worried about her mother, so I just wanted to let you know. I’m heading to the hospital now, but if there’s any trouble, you can get Riley over from the senior school to sit with Izzy or call me on my mobile.’