Seven Letters

by Sinéad Moriarty

  Adam realized he had no idea how to explain this. What the hell did he say? ‘Hey, Rob, I kissed my wife goodbye yesterday and now she’s in ICU hooked up to a ventilator and I don’t know if she’ll ever wake up’?

  ‘It’s Sarah …’ was all he managed.

  Rob’s face fell. ‘What’s happened? Oh, Jesus, is she OK?’

  ‘She … she’s in hospital. Oh, Rob, it’s awful. It’s some kind of brain injury and she’s in a coma. They don’t know for sure yet exactly but …’

  ‘Oh, Christ, Adam, what happened? What do you mean they’re not sure?’

  Adam began to cry. ‘I don’t know. I don’t understand. I left her yesterday morning and she was fine. She said she had a headache and I told her to go to the doctor and get checked out. Then she collapsed. Mia found her. She hasn’t opened her eyes since.’

  Rob’s face closed in on the screen. ‘Are they doing tests? What do the doctors say? What about the baby?’

  ‘They can’t tell me if she’ll wake up, but our baby is alive. At least I have him.’ Adam covered his face and sobbed.

  ‘Oh, Adam,’ Rob said, his voice shaking, ‘I don’t know what to say. Jesus, I wish I was there. I’m in shock. Ellen will be devastated – she adores Sarah. Oh, God, I’m so sorry. I know how much you love her, man. But, look, she’s strong, she’ll come through this. You hear about people coming out of comas all the time.’

  Adam wiped his face roughly with a hand. ‘I’m trying to stay hopeful. Sarah’s still alive, the baby’s still alive. I just have to believe that the tests will explain what’s happening and the medical team will figure out a way to save her.’

  ‘Yes, of course. Does she have the best people working on her?’ Rob asked. ‘It’s so serious I think you should definitely consider a second opinion. I could get someone here to look at her test results when they come in.’

  ‘I suppose so, yes,’ Adam said. ‘I hadn’t thought about that, but it’s too important not to get a second opinion. They’re probably more advanced in Canada.’

  ‘I’ll ask around my friends here,’ Rob said. ‘I’ll find the name of a top neurologist. We’ll get everyone to have a look and work together to make Sarah better. Hang in there.’

  ‘That’s a great help. Thanks, Rob. I’m all over the place – I can’t think straight.’

  ‘Of course you are. You’ve had one hell of a shock. Let me take the pressure off you. Tell me everything you know now and send me all the details as they come in.’ Adam watched as Rob searched around for a pen and paper. ‘Shoot.’

  Adam filled him in with what he knew.

  ‘I have all that. Send me any other details, tests, results, et cetera, and I’ll hunt down the best neurologist in Toronto and get you another opinion. I mean, if we have to, we’ll fly Sarah over here. I’ll do anything to help you.’

  ‘I … Jesus, Rob, thank you.’

  ‘Now tell me, how’s Izzy?’

  Adam shook his head. ‘She doesn’t understand. I’ve just told her that Sarah is asleep because she’s not feeling well. I couldn’t tell her any more. I don’t understand it myself. If I can’t process it, how could she? Christ, Rob, I feel responsible. Sarah’s been really pale and tired the last few days, but I’ve been so bloody busy with work that I didn’t push her to see the doctor. I should have. I should have realized she was sick.’

  ‘Come on, Adam, don’t start blaming yourself. This is no one’s fault. Brain injuries can be almost impossible to detect. You adore Sarah. You’d lay down your life to save hers. You can’t take the blame for any of this.’

  ‘But it’s my job to protect my family,’ Adam cried.

  On the screen, Rob pointed a finger at him. ‘Don’t do that. This is not your fault. It’s a freak accident. Look, we both have this crazy need to be successful, to be the best, to provide for and protect our families because of Dad. But we can’t do that. All we can do is show up every day and do our best, and you always do, Adam. You always do.’

  Adam could hear the language of his brother’s therapy sessions coming out in what Rob was saying. He didn’t agree. ‘It’s not just about showing up, Rob, it’s about creating a safe home. All we ever had at home was a drunk, useless fecker either passed out or shouting at us.’

  ‘I know, and it was awful. I’ll never forget the feeling of being hungry, cold and abandoned. But we won’t undo that hurt by killing ourselves trying to be perfect. We have to accept that we can only do our best. You’re a great husband and father, Adam. And Sarah thinks that, too. I know she does.’

  He wasn’t, though. He was a husband who didn’t come home to his wife because he was so busy trying to make more money. He was a father who didn’t kiss his daughter goodnight because getting a new contract was more important. Adam had sworn, standing beside his father’s grave, that he would be a better man. In many ways he had been, but not good enough.

  ‘I can see your face. I know you’re trying to blame yourself. Stop it. This is just a horrible twist of Fate.’

  Adam rubbed his face. ‘She’s the love of my life, Rob.’

  ‘I know she is,’ Rob said softly. ‘You two were made for each other. But she’s a strong woman, Adam. She’ll fight to get back to you. I’ll start working on a second opinion here and we’ll do everything humanly possible to help her. You’ve got to stay hopeful, OK?’

  Thanks, Rob,’ Adam said. ‘I really needed to talk to you. Thanks for being there. I’d better get back to the hospital. I’ll be in touch.’

  Adam watched his brother’s face disappear from the screen. Rob was two years younger than him, but they were as close as twins. When you had no mother and a deadbeat dad, your brother was everything. When Rob had emigrated to Canada ten years ago, Adam had been gutted. He’d missed him so much. They’d gone from talking every day to once a week, and then Adam had got married and had Izzy, and later on Rob had married Ellen, and now they only spoke about once a month. Adam realized with a pang how much he missed his brother. He was his rock.

  Adam gathered up his stuff and got ready to go back to Sarah. He felt better after the Skype call – calmer and stronger after hearing Rob’s voice and feeling his support and love.

  Maybe things would be OK after all.

  14

  Riley sat in Shocko’s desk chair with her feet up on the corner of his bed. Her black school shoes lay on the floor beside her. Shocko lay propped up on his pillows, leaning against the wall he’d painted black, then covered with a huge Che Guevara poster.

  ‘Duuuuuuude, that is messed up.’ Shocko’s eyes were wide. ‘A coma is, like, really serious.’

  ‘Do people usually wake up from them?’ Riley asked, as she flicked through her Instagram page. Her hands were trembling. She hadn’t been able to stop shaking since her mum had told her Sarah was in an actual coma. She was trying really hard not to freak out. Sarah had to get better: she was the best aunt ever. Riley loved her so much.

  ‘I dunno. It depends.’

  ‘On what?’

  ‘Well, I’m not totally sure but, like, if you’re totally obese I guess that would go against you or if you smoked two hundred a day or were, like, a heroin addict or something.’

  ‘If you’re a heroin addict, you’re probably going to die anyway,’ Riley snapped.

  ‘Not necessarily. Look at whatshisname.’

  ‘Who?’

  ‘You know, the guy in that band.’

  ‘Can you narrow it down a bit?’ Shocko never remembered anyone’s name. He was like a young person with Alzheimer’s, and Riley was not in the mood for a guessing game. She felt like she was going to puke whenever she thought of Sarah being carried into the ambulance on the stretcher – so grey and lifeless. And her mum’s face – Riley would never forget it. Mia had looked terrified. She kept opening her mouth to speak, but no words came out. Riley had never seen her like that.

  She had stayed calm only because of Izzy. Riley knew she had to make sure Izzy wasn’t terrified. The image of Sarah on t
he stretcher kept coming into her mind all the time. She had looked like … Riley closed her eyes and swallowed bile. She’d looked dead.

  ‘That song, you know – something, something ne ne ne ne ne ne,’ Shocko sang.

  ‘Nirvana?’

  ‘Yes. Ken? Kobie?’

  ‘Kurt Cobain.’

  ‘Yes, him. He was a heroin addict and he was all right.’

  Riley sighed. ‘Kurt Cobain committed suicide!’

  ‘Did he? I thought his wife did.’

  ‘He did, and the wife is still going strong.’

  ‘Well, she was into heroin, too, so there you go.’

  ‘There I go? What are you actually talking about? Why are we talking about these people anyway? What has heroin got to do with my aunt’s coma?’

  Shocko plucked tunelessly at his guitar. ‘I dunno. You started it.’

  ‘No, I didn’t. You just went off on one of your crazy-arse tangents that go nowhere and have no meaning or purpose.’

  ‘Jeez, no need to rip my head off.’

  Riley bit down hard on her nail and tasted blood. It felt good. The sharp pain cleared her head. She thumbed through her phone absentmindedly and then saw it.

  ‘WTF?’

  ‘What?’

  Riley turned her phone to face Shocko. He leaned forward. ‘Is that Zach and Zoë?’

  ‘Yes, it bloody is.’ Riley fought back tears. Could her life get any worse? Zach and Zoë had their arms around each other. She was wearing the Superdry top that Riley had bought Zach for his birthday last month. It had cost her almost all of the money she’d made helping to paint the school during the Christmas holidays. Her mum had got her the job because Riley had said she wanted to earn her own money. She hadn’t told Mia what it was for. How dare Zach let that cow wear it? It was Riley’s present to him. She wanted to weep.

  Shocko plucked a string and sang, ‘He’s not worth it. You’re a cool chick who deserves to be with not a dick. You should be with someone who adores you.’

  It was so off-key and awful that Riley laughed. She threw a pillow at Shocko. ‘You need to focus more on schoolwork. You have zero musical ability.’

  ‘Way to crush a guy!’ Shocko put down his guitar.

  ‘Sorry – you know you’re rubbish.’

  ‘Yeah, but I’m trying to get better so a little encouragement from my best mate would be nice.’

  Riley stared at the photo of Zach and Zoë. She felt raw fury rise inside her. Her last conversation with Sarah had been about Zach and bloody Zoë. Sarah had got it, how the whole thing made Riley feel. The idea that she couldn’t talk to her now made her feel sick. She needed to get outside her head, her memories before she went mad. ‘Hey, do you want to do something to make this day less shitty?’

  ‘My day was fine until you showed up and put a downer on everything,’ Shocko said.

  ‘I’ll make it up to you.’

  A plan was forming in Riley’s head, one that would distract her and enable her to take her revenge on Zach.

  Riley climbed up onto the garage roof and crawled over to her bedroom window, which she always left open a crack in case she needed to sneak in and out. Her mum was like a prison officer, but she hadn’t copped on to this little trick yet. Riley had messed around with the lock until she was able to make it look like it was down but was still able to wriggle it up using her penknife. In the room and outside, the window looked closed, but she could still open it. It was her foolproof escape hatch.

  She pulled the window down and turned to give Shocko the thumbs-up. He was hiding behind the hedge in the front garden. Riley climbed through the window and stopped to listen. She could hear the annoying ‘Let It Go’ from Frozen and the smell of baking wafted up the stairs. Her dad and Izzy were busy, so she’d be OK.

  She rummaged around her room, pulling things out of drawers and wardrobes. She put all of the things she needed into a backpack. She was fine until she got to the card.

  He had written her a card. On the front was a picture of Kristen Stewart. Zach had written, ‘This hot actress reminds me of you. You rock my world, Riley. Z’

  A lump rose in her throat. Her heart ached for Sarah. Shocko was right: everything was so incredibly messed up.

  She went to put the card into the backpack, but she couldn’t do it. She hid it under her mattress, pushing it right into the middle. Hopefully her mother wouldn’t find it there. The last thing she needed was Mia asking any more questions about Zach.

  Riley didn’t tell her mother anything about boys. It was too awkward, plus her mum would just interrogate her about anyone she mentioned – was he ‘nice’, was he a ‘good’ boy, was he ‘sensible’ – the kind of stuff that didn’t matter at all. She was obsessed with Riley not having sex, too. She kept telling her stories about ‘friends’ daughters’ who had had unprotected sex with their boyfriends and ruined their lives. Riley knew these ‘friends’ daughters’ were made-up. Her mum was so obvious with her lame tales of warning.

  Riley hadn’t had sex with Zach and he hadn’t pushed her. He was nice that way. He said they’d only do it when she felt ready and he’d wait as long as she needed. Riley wasn’t going to have sex until she was at least sixteen. She had told him so and he was cool about it. God, she missed him. He was an amazing kisser and, sure, they’d messed around a bit. He was so hot. He had a six-pack from all his athletics training. He was really good at the high jump. At first, Riley had thought that was a bit dorky – only nerdy guys did the high jump, nerds and Sally Peterson, who was, like, ten feet tall and a freak of nature. Sally didn’t even have to jump: she just stepped over the bar. But then she’d gone to watch Zach practise and had seen him do the backflip over the bar, and it was kind of sexy when he did it.

  Five months was a long time to be with someone. She really liked him. She really, really liked him. If she was being totally honest she kind of loved him and thought he loved her too, so why had he gone off with Zoë?

  Riley had been racking her brain for days, but the only thing she could think of was that stupid thing she’d said. She’d only been kidding. How could he not see that? But every time Riley thought about it, she felt nauseous. Why had she said it? Her and her stupid big mouth. She hadn’t thought he’d be so sensitive, but the look on his face had told her she’d gone too far.

  To hell with him. He’d chosen Zoë and good luck to them. They could do dorky athletics training together. He’d humiliated Riley and broken her heart, so he deserved payback and she needed closure. She picked up her backpack and climbed out of the window, making sure to pull it up behind her.

  ‘What took you so long? I was about to go.’

  ‘Sorry, it took me a while to find everything.’

  ‘What’s this all about?’

  ‘Revenge,’ Riley said.

  ‘Cool.’ Shocko grinned.

  They hopped onto their bikes and cycled away, zigzagging through the roads around her estate until they came to Zach’s house.

  Riley knew Zach’s parents worked until at least seven or eight every night. They ran their own bakery, so the hours were long. She looked up at his bedroom window. She could see him at his desk. He was typing on his laptop.

  Riley unzipped the backpack and turned the contents out onto the grass in his front garden. She took out the firelighter she’d bought in the Spar shop down the road and lit it. She threw it onto the pile of things and watched as the flames swept over it all. Up went the sweatshirt he’d given her, the baseball cap he’d bought for her on his trip to London, the socks he’d left at her house, the spare school tie he’d let her keep, the Valentine’s Day bear he’d bought her. It all went up in flames.

  She threw a pebble at his window and watched as he looked over. She saw the surprise, confusion, then shock on his face. He disappeared from the window, and seconds later the front door was yanked open. He ran outside. ‘What the hell?’ he shouted.

  ‘This is everything I have of yours. Burning, like I hope you do, in Hell.’
>
  ‘Have you lost your mind?’

  ‘You’re a bastard.’

  ‘I’m not the one who mocks people for following their dream, Riley.’

  ‘I didn’t mock you.’

  ‘Yes, you did. I was gutted when I lost in the final of that competition and all you could do was laugh and say, “Who cares? High jump is for dorks. Just give it up. It’s so boring to watch.”’

  ‘I didn’t mean it like that.’

  ‘Oh, really? What did you mean?’ Zach shouted at her.

  ‘I meant … I meant it’s not exactly the most important thing in the world whether you jump over a bar or not.’

  ‘It is to me,’ he hissed, and disappeared inside. He came running back out with a jug full of water and poured it over the fire. The remnants of his gifts to Riley sizzled into a soggy mess.

  ‘At least I didn’t go out and humiliate you in public.’ Riley poked him in the chest.

  ‘You humiliated yourself,’ Zach snapped. ‘And what is he doing here?’

  ‘He came to help me.’

  ‘What? Help you start a fire? I’m sure you could have managed that all on your own. You just like to have Shocko around as your adoring lapdog.’

  ‘I’m no lapdog, dude. I came because she’s my best mate and you treated her badly. She deserves better.’

  ‘If Riley has something to say, she can say it to me alone.’

  Riley turned to Shocko and motioned for him to wait on the road.

  ‘Thanks for making a big mess in my garden. Jesus, Riley, if you wanted to talk to me, you should have just called.’

  ‘Why Zoë?’

  ‘Because she gets it. She gets my passion for the high jump because she feels the same way about the hurdles.’

  Riley rolled her eyes. ‘She doesn’t give a shit about hurdles. She’s just pretending so you’ll like her.’

  ‘She’s actually amazing at the hurdles. She’s number four in Ireland. The hurdles are actually a really –’

  ‘Screw the hurdles!’ Riley threw her hands into the air. ‘I don’t want to talk about the bloody hurdles. I’m sorry you feel I mocked you, but you really hurt me at that party, Zach. It was not cool.’