Seven Letters

by Sinéad Moriarty

  Zach put his hands in his pockets and shrugged. ‘Well, you hurt me.’

  ‘Are you going out with her now?’

  ‘Dunno, kind of.’

  ‘Do you like her?’ Riley swallowed tears.

  ‘We have a lot in common. It’s easy.’

  ‘But you said you liked me because I was different. You said Zoë and those blonde, perma-tanned girls were ridiculous.’

  ‘I do like you cos you’re different, but it’s just easier with Zoë. I was wrong about her and her friends. They’re actually pretty cool.’

  ‘Cool?’ Riley snorted. ‘Are you having a laugh?’

  Zach looked at her. ‘Yes, actually, I am having a laugh. We laugh all the time. She’s not like you, Riley. She doesn’t question everything and take things so seriously and bang on about gun control in America and equality and feminism and religion being a scam and all the stuff you obsess about. She just wants to have fun.’

  ‘Oh, my actual God, can you hear yourself? So that’s what you want! To be with someone who is happy all the fucking time, like a puppy! Zoë laughs all the time because she has nothing to say. She has nothing to say because she has a brain the size of a pea. She thought Gandhi was a rapper. A rapper!’

  ‘So what?’ Zach stamped out the remaining embers of burned things with his boots.

  ‘Are you kidding me? Do you really want to go out with someone who is that stupid?’

  ‘Maybe I do. It’s better than going out with someone who keeps giving me books about Leaning In and stuff by Maya Angeline, or whatever her name is. Maybe I want to lean the hell out.’

  ‘It’s Maya Angelou and fuck you. You said you liked me knowing so much about women’s rights and history.’

  ‘Well, I lied. In the beginning it was OK, but then it all got way too intense and preachy. I’m sixteen. I want to have fun with my girlfriend, not a lecture.’

  Riley pushed him back with both hands. ‘Enjoy your life with Zoë and her pea brain.’

  Zach poked her in the chest. ‘I will, thank you.’

  ‘I hate you.’

  ‘Yeah, well, I’m not too crazy about you either.’

  ‘I’m going now.’

  ‘Great. Make sure you read some more of those boring books about women who saved the world and bore some other poor guy about them.’

  ‘I hope your brain shrivels up and you die.’

  ‘At least I’ll have had fun before I do.’

  Riley walked away before he could see her cry. That hadn’t gone well at all. She had intended to stand beside her fire, all righteous and angry, and tell Zach what a bastard he was and then he’d be all sorry and remorseful, admire her fierceness and beg her to get back with him.

  But instead he’d seemed happy to be rid of her. The things he’d said, they’d hurt, really hurt. Riley felt as if she’d been stabbed in the heart.

  Shocko stood on the other path, holding her bike. ‘I guess this day couldn’t really get any worse, huh? What with your aunt in a coma and Zach being a dick.’

  Riley climbed onto her bike and pedalled furiously to get ahead. She didn’t want Shocko to see her fall apart.

  15

  Johnny twisted one strand of hair around another but dropped the third. ‘I give up!’ He threw his hands into the air. ‘Who invented plaits? Seriously, they’re not made for big hands and thick fingers. I’m sorry, love, I’ve made a total mess of your hair.’

  Izzy giggled. ‘Daddy’s really bad at them too. Mummy’s the best. I’ll just put on my hairband with the red bow. Mummy likes that one. I can’t wait to see her.’

  Johnny patted her little shoulder. He didn’t think Sarah was going to wake up, not today or maybe ever.

  Mia was determined to stay positive, but Johnny had seen the grave faces of the doctors and nurses coming in and out of Sarah’s room. None of them looked remotely upbeat. He was praying for good news, but he had a sinking feeling that it wasn’t going to come.

  He was worried Izzy would be shocked when she saw her mother linked up to all those tubes and drips. She was an innocent little thing. At her age Riley was already cynical and defiant, but Izzy was all wide-eyed innocence and joy.

  When they got to the hospital, Adam was waiting in Reception. Izzy ran into his open arms. ‘There she is.’ He held her close.

  ‘Is Mummy awake?’

  Adam looked over her shoulder at Johnny. ‘No, Sweet-pea, and she might not wake up today, but that’s OK. She needs her rest.’

  ‘I made a picture for her,’ Izzy said, ignoring what her father had told her. ‘She’s going to like it. Johnny helped me a bit. Look, Daddy, I put the baby in the picture, too, because he’s part of our family now, isn’t he? Mummy will be pleased about that. Although she told me that I’m her special person and not to worry when the baby comes because she will love me just the same and …’

  Izzy talked non-stop all the way up in the lift, gripping Adam’s hand tightly. Johnny could see the fingers of her other hand crushing the top of the painting. She was putting on a good show, but she was terrified. His heart ached for her.

  Adam opened the door to ICU Reception and Izzy stepped inside. Mia and Charlie rushed over and made a fuss of her. Everyone was talking over each other, trying to compensate for the fear they felt. Johnny could see Izzy’s grip getting tighter and tighter on her painting.

  ‘Hey, why don’t we give Izzy a second to catch her breath?’ he suggested.

  ‘Absolutely. You’re crowding the poor child,’ Olivia said.

  ‘Supporting her, actually,’ Mia muttered.

  ‘Izzy, would you like some grapes?’ Olivia offered.

  Izzy shook her head. ‘No, thank you. I just want to see Mummy.’

  Angela popped into the room. ‘Sarah’s ready now,’ she said to Adam. Then, to Izzy, she said, ‘Hello again, Izzy. Have you come to say hello to Mum?’

  ‘Yes,’ Izzy said, beaming. ‘I’m coming to wake her up. I have my picture and I’m going to sing. It’s my Communion in two weeks and Mummy needs to be better now so we can finish all our plans.’

  ‘Well, that’s very exciting.’ Angela smiled at her. ‘Come and see me before you go. I might just have some chocolate for you.’

  ‘Thank you very much. Mummy likes chocolate too, but she says if she eats too much, she’ll be a roly-poly. But I think when you’re sick it’s good to have treats. When I had a throat infection, Mummy gave me chocolate buttons to melt in my mouth so they didn’t hurt when I swallowed.’

  Angela smiled, her eyes shiny with tears. ‘Your mummy is very clever. Will you follow me and I’ll bring you down to see her?’

  ‘Yes, please. Come on, Daddy, let’s go.’ Izzy pulled Adam’s hand.

  They all followed Angela except Olivia, who discreetly stayed behind.

  ‘Johnny, I’m scared for Izzy to see her mum like this,’ Mia whispered. He squeezed her hand.

  ‘She needs to see her. She won’t stop asking until she does,’ Charlie said quietly.

  ‘I’m sure you’re right, Dad. It’s just …’

  Charlie nodded. ‘I know.’

  Outside Sarah’s room, Izzy paused. She took off her glasses and began to wipe them furiously with her jumper.

  Adam crouched down and reminded Izzy that Sarah had a lot of tubes around her and a big one in her mouth to help her breathe.

  ‘I know. You explained it already a trillion times.’

  ‘Izzy,’ Angela said, kindly but firmly, ‘if you want to wait until later or another day, that’s fine. You don’t have to see your mummy right now. You can see her anytime.’

  Izzy put her glasses back on. ‘I need to see her. I’ll be able to wake her up. Wait and see.’

  Mia covered her mouth with a hand to stifle a sob. Charlie was praying quietly, and Johnny was holding his breath.

  She looked so small and vulnerable walking into the room. Adam’s eyes were frightened. Johnny reached over and patted him on the back. ‘It’ll be OK. We’re here for you.’


  Adam and Izzy walked into the room with just the sounds of machines whirring and clunking. Izzy hesitated at the door. ‘There are so many things on Mummy,’ she whispered.

  ‘It’s OK, Sweet-pea.’ Adam took her hand and brought her to the side of the bed.

  Gingerly, Izzy leaned over and touched her mother’s face. She kissed her cheek. ‘I’m here, Mummy. I came to wake you up. I miss you. I want you to come back now. Look, I did you a picture. Do you like it, Mummy? Mummy? Open your eyes so you can see.

  ‘I know you’re tired Mummy, but if you wake up and come home, I’ll help you more. I’ll be the best girl in the world. I know the baby is making you tired. I’ll tidy up and do anything else you need me to do. I love you, Mummy. I want to snuggle up and watch TV and make cookies and sing songs with you. And we have to finish organizing my Communion party. Remember you said I could choose my cake and we were going to go to the special cake shop to get a fancy one made? But it’s only two weeks away, so please wake up. I need you, Mummy.’

  Izzy shook Sarah’s arm gently. She squeezed her hand. ‘Mummy? Can you hear me? I’ll sing you a song. It’s our song, Mummy.’ Izzy’s voice shook as she sang ‘Let It Go’.

  Outside in the corridor, Mia and Charlie wept to hear her sweet voice singing and pleading with her mother to wake up. Johnny put his arms around both of them. He was struggling to hold it together himself. Come on, Sarah, wake up for her, do it for Izzy, he willed his sister-in-law.

  ‘Mummy, come on, sing. Mummy, please. It’s me, it’s Izzy, Mummy. It’s your best girl. Mummy?’

  Adam reached out and put his arms around her. Izzy wailed into his shirt. ‘Why won’t she wake up, Daddy?’

  ‘She’s just sick, Izzy, and she might not wake up for a while.’

  ‘But why? Is the baby making her sick?’

  ‘No, but she needs to concentrate on him. She … Well, she needs to give him all of her energy.’

  Izzy frowned. ‘Why? Suzie’s mummy has a baby in her tummy and she’s awake and walking around.’

  ‘Yes, but Mummy was unlucky. She got sick and now she’s trying to keep the baby well.’

  Izzy pushed Adam away. ‘I hate the baby. I hate him,’ she shouted. ‘Before he came Mummy was happy. But then he came in her tummy and she got bad headaches and was tired and now she’s asleep and won’t wake up. I want my mummy back!’

  Adam picked up his furious, confused, distraught child and held her tight. ‘It’s OK, Izzy, I’m here. Daddy’s here.’

  Izzy bawled into his shoulder. He snuggled her to his chest, felt soothed to have her close to him. The kiss of her exhale on his neck was like a salve to his shattered heart. This was his world – Izzy, Sarah, and now the baby. If only Sarah could just open her eyes and this whole nightmare disappear …

  Izzy’s sobs subsided and she pulled back from Adam.

  ‘Are you OK?’

  ‘Yes, I’m fine now, because I know what’s happening.’

  Adam looked puzzled. ‘What do you mean?’

  ‘Mummy is going to rest until my Communion Day so she’s all better and able to be at my party. That’s why she won’t wake up now. She’s just not ready. But she would never ever miss my Communion Day. I know that for one hundred per cent sure. That’s what’s going to happen.’

  Izzy stared at her mother, smiling to herself. ‘I’d like to go back outside, Daddy,’ she said, standing up. ‘I’ll see Mummy again soon.’

  When they stepped outside the room, Mia and Charlie rushed over to Izzy. Angela hovered in the background, keeping an eye on everyone.

  ‘How are you, pet?’ Mia asked.

  ‘I’m fine. I know what’s happening now.’ Izzy filled them in on her Communion Day theory.

  Mia looked at Adam. He shrugged helplessly. Charlie coughed. No one knew what to say.

  ‘Well, now.’ Angela bustled over. ‘I need to hear more about this Communion Day party, I want all the details. Come here with me – I found some chocolate for you. It’ll be good for you to have a bit of sugar after all that.’

  Angela expertly guided Izzy away while the others stood outside Sarah’s room, staring at each other.

  Adam rubbed his eyes. ‘Christ, that was awful. Was I wrong to bring her in?’

  ‘No,’ Mia assured him. ‘She needed to see her.’

  ‘And Charlie was right. She wasn’t going to let up until she did,’ Johnny added.

  ‘It all seems so real now, seeing it through Izzy’s eyes. Is Sarah going to wake up? Why can’t the doctors tell us what the hell is going on? Why can’t they give us a straight answer? All this waiting is driving me insane.’ Adam thumped the wall in frustration.

  ‘Let’s go out to Reception and sit down for a minute,’ Charlie said.

  They filed out and sat on the couches facing each other. Olivia fussed over Charlie, trying to force-feed him grapes.

  ‘He doesn’t want any,’ Mia snapped, as Charlie said no for the third time.

  ‘He needs to keep his strength up,’ Olivia retorted. ‘This is not going to end well.’

  ‘What do you mean?’ Adam glared at her.

  Olivia shifted in her seat. ‘You need to prepare yourselves for the worst. Severe brain injury is almost impossible to come back from. I think you need to accept the strong possibility that Sarah will not survive this.’

  Adam stood up and waved a finger in Olivia’s face. ‘I think you should leave.’

  ‘Hold on now,’ Charlie said.

  ‘No!’ Adam shouted. ‘I’m hanging on by a thread here and I do not want anyone telling me Sarah’s going to die. Leave, please.’

  Olivia stood up. ‘I’m not trying to upset you, Adam, but you have to face the truth at some point.’

  ‘Since when do you have a degree in neurology?’ Mia snapped. ‘Who are you to tell us what’s going to happen to Sarah? What the hell do you know?’

  ‘Easy now, let’s all calm down,’ Charlie said.

  ‘Charlie,’ Adam’s voice shook with rage, ‘I would really appreciate it if Olivia left now. I have enough on my plate and she is not helping.’

  Olivia picked up her bag and headed for the door. ‘I honestly didn’t mean to cause offence, but the truth is often a bitter pill to swallow.’

  Charlie followed her out.

  ‘Good riddance,’ Mia said.

  ‘I don’t want her in here again.’ Adam paced the room.

  Johnny looked at them, the people who loved Sarah most. They were kidding themselves, he thought. The chances of her making it through were getting slimmer by the hour. But he certainly wasn’t going to say so. Not today anyway. For now, Mia and Adam needed hope. They weren’t ready for the possible awful truth.

  16

  Izzy kicked Riley in the stomach for the tenth time. She’d been wriggling around all night and muttering in her sleep. Riley had barely slept an hour. She pulled the duvet over Izzy’s shoulders and turned to face the window. Daylight was creeping in around the sides of her window blind. She looked at her phone – five a.m.

  She checked her messages. None from Zach. She checked his Instagram page: nothing posted. She checked Facebook: nothing. She then looked up Zoë’s Instagram page. She’d posted a picture of her beside a stupid hurdle in her training shorts with her hair in a high ponytail, looking all sporty and bouncy and irritating. Her post said, ‘Training hard for the finals next week. Zach’s been helping me with my fitness!!!!’

  Riley’s stomach fell. Stupid cow with her stupid exclamation marks and innuendoes and … What did it mean? Were they actually together-together? Zach had talked about it like it wasn’t fully on, but it didn’t look like Zoë had got that memo. And why was he helping her with her fitness? Did the exclamation marks mean horizontal jogging? Were they having actual sex? Or was she just trying to make it look like they were? Did she mean they were just, like, doing sit-ups and laps of the track together?

  Riley’s head ached. Why are you interested in her, Zach? She’s so pointless. Sh
e doesn’t care about anything except lip gloss and fashion and the stupid hurdles.

  How dare he tell Riley she cared too much about stuff? How could you not care? How could you sit around while students in America were being shot in school and girls were used as sex slaves and women were paid less than men for the same work and all of the other wrongs in the world? How could you just say, ‘I don’t care about gun control but I really care about buying the new Mac lip gloss’? I mean, it wasn’t as if Riley didn’t care about make-up and stuff. She did. She liked looking good, but in a less obvious way. They weren’t from California: they lived in rainy grey Dublin. Why would she dye her hair blonde, lash on fake tan and wear tiny skirts when the average temperature was about eight degrees?

  Riley liked her dark hair and black kohl-rimmed eyes. She liked ripped skinny jeans and long-sleeve T-shirts. She liked her leather cuff and her biker boots. It was cold and she didn’t freeze her arse off every time she left the house.

  Zach said he liked the way she looked, but he’d obviously been lying. She should have known. He was too sunny for her. He was an optimist. He always thought good things were going to happen, that the world was full of decent people and all conflicts would be resolved …

  But he didn’t feel things the way Riley did. Zach felt things at a surface level, while Riley felt things deep down. But she’d liked his optimism: it was nice to be around someone who thought everything would work out. He had reminded her a little of Sarah, because she was always so positive, too. It had even rubbed off on her a bit – she’d felt less anxious about everything when she was with him. She’d thought they had fun. Clearly, she was wrong. She’d pushed him away by being too serious and not ‘fun’ enough.

  How could she be more fun? Life was shit. Her beloved aunt was in a coma and her dad had no job. Riley had heard him on the phone earlier in the week, getting yet another rejection. She’d heard the disappointment in his voice: ‘Oh. I’m sorry to hear that. Well, please keep me in mind if anything comes up. I’ll take anything you have.’ She hated hearing him sound so desperate. He was a good journalist. He was a good man. He shouldn’t have to beg. It wasn’t right. Riley wanted him to be working and happy. She wanted her mum to stop being stressed about money all the time. But right now, most of all, she wanted Sarah to wake up.