by Lisa Shelby
“I do and I love you right back. At the moment, I just can’t believe that he would do this to me. To Gabe. The fact that he showed up drunk and embarrassed me like he did is not okay. He knew how much tonight meant. He knew I was scared to death and that I was counting on him for support. I needed him tonight.”
“You sure about that?” Emily asks cautiously.
“Sure about what?”
“You sure he knew that you needed him. Did you tell him that?”
“Why would I have to tell him that? We’re together. He should know that I need his support.”
Gabby, who has been silent all this time, clears her throat and finally speaks.
“Cami, sweetie…you never ask for help. You never stress about anything. You are the person that is always busy helping everyone else but seems to have all of her shit together. In fact, this is the first time I have ever known you to be nervous about anything. Men are…well, sometimes they are a little dense, and if you don’t tell them exactly what you’re thinking, they don’t realize what you need from them.”
Man, am I really that independent? How do the people in my life not realize how much I need them? I would be lost without each and every one of them.
“How could he not know? We talk about it all the time. He helped me with the outdoor living space. He knows that I haven’t felt up to the task. I mean, do I have to come out and say that I’ll feel better with him by my side? Isn’t that a given when you’re in a relationship?”
The three of them look at each other, and I do believe I see rolled eyes and hear exasperated sighs.
“Okay, you guys. Get me out of this damn castle.” Emily sits on her butt and scoots on the ground as close as she can to the entrance and holds her hands out. When she and Jonathan found out they were having twins, we were all beyond excited for them. Emily is excited too, but the further into her pregnancy she gets, the more uncomfortable she is.
She ducks her head, and Alex and I each take a hand and pull her to her feet. She takes a seat on the pink princess bed and leans back on her hands. I think the journey out of the castle wore her out. She needs to catch her breath.
Even though I’m a bit mad at her, she is adorable just like her husband always says she is.
Gabby follows her out of the castle and continues to be the voice of reason.
“Cami, honey…what do Devon, Mick, Jonathan, and Liam all have in common?”
Confused by her seemingly simple question, I just hold her stare and wait for the answer.
“They’re all men.”
“So?”
Alex jumps in. “Cam, men can’t read our minds and frankly, they don’t want to. We would all be single if they could read our minds. Let’s face it, our minds are a scary place most of the time. This means that even when they know us better than anyone else, they still don’t know how we’re feeling if we don’t tell them. And chica, when it comes to the independent Cami Holsted, I am sure that Liam doesn’t ever want to assume anything.”
“Sweetie…” It’s Emily’s turn to school me in the ways of men. “I know Liam pretty well, and if there is any man alive that would want to be there for you and stand by your side to keep you calm in your time of need, it’s him. He is the kind of man that wants to take care of the woman he loves. He probably doesn’t want to push too hard and scare you away.”
Why do I feel like they are trying to say this is my fault?
I take a deep breath to keep my simmering temper at bay. “I hear what you guys are saying but why does it feel like the three of you are trying to say this is my fault?”
“Not at all.”
“No, no, no, Cami.”
Emily shoves herself off of the bed and squats in front of me, getting in my line of site so I can’t do anything but look at her. She makes it clear that she wants me to hear her.
“Cami, none of this is your fault. He chose to handle the situation like a child. You didn’t make him drink tonight, and you didn’t do anything to cause him to react the way you did. All we’re saying is that when it comes to these smart, yet thick-headed, men that we all love so much, you cannot assume that they know how we feel. Yes, what he heard hurt him, but his behavior was not okay, and it’s going to be up to you to decide how you want to take things from here.”
Where do I want to take things from here? Is this the way I want to live my life?
Gabby and Alex move so Emily doesn’t have to and so I can see all three of my friends that I love with all my heart and that I couldn’t live without.
“I’m scared, you guys. I’ve never felt like this before. I feel like I could have finally found the one. I know that sounds cheesy, but being with him feels so right, and he is everything to me, but am I setting myself up for a lifetime of this? Is he going to go get plastered every time something bad happens? Life sucks sometimes, and I need a partner to walk through it all with, not someone who drinks away the pain and that I have to pick up off the ground over and over again. I hate to say it, but I’m glad we decided to wait until his house is finished to move in together. I really don’t know what to do right now.”
We all sit in silence for a few beats, and then Alex gently takes my hand.
“Talk to him about it, Cam. None of us can decide how you should live your life or with whom. Let him know what your concerns are. Be honest with him. You need to follow your heart. I learned that with Mick. He was worth all of the baggage that he came with or what any of you thought about the two of us being together.”
She takes her free hand and points at both Emily and me. Emily just shrugs. Her comment brings a smile to my face because she’s right. I remember being very vocal about what I thought of the two of them starting a relationship, and I’m glad she didn’t listen to me or anyone else. She and Mick worked it out themselves, and they couldn’t be better together.
Gabby is the one to ask the question that none of them have dared to mention yet.
“Cam, do you think he has a bigger problem than what we saw here tonight. Do you think he needs help?”
I feel like she’s crawled into my mind and has read my thoughts.
My voice is but a whisper. “I don’t know.”
The girls let me sit on her question and my answer. I take my time and really think about it.
“You know, if you had asked me this months ago, I might have said yes, but he doesn’t drink all the time, and he can go out and only have one beer and be fine. He hasn’t been drunk in months but the fact that this is how he deals with his problems is a big concern for me.”
“Talk to him, Cami,” Gabby suggests gently.
“Yes, Ma’am.”
Gabby rolls her eyes. “Great, that southern charm of his is rubbing off on you.”
“That’s not all that he’s been rubbing off on me,” I say with a lift of my eyebrows, and the girls all burst out in a fit of much-needed laughter.
“There’s the Cami we know and love,” Alex says, getting to her feet.
Emily puts her hands out so I can help her stand. Once she’s up, she wraps her arms around me and whispers in my ear. “You did great, Cami. I am so stinking proud of you. Love you, chica.”
We put the castle’s pillows back in their proper places and leave our little girl fantasy behind as we close up the house and leave to face the reality that lies ahead.
Chapter 17
Liam
Three days.
It’s been three days since I hurt and embarrassed the woman I love. Ruined her big night and got kicked out of her open house.
Three days since I have seen her emerald eyes or touched her perfect porcelain skin.
I love her so fucking much it feels like my heart is shredded to pieces, and the last thing I want to do is sit in this damn business meeting.
Drinking is what I would rather be doing, but my days of drinking away the pain are over. If I ever want to be the man that Cami deserves, I won’t drink away how bad this hurts. I deserve to feel each and every slice to my heart that
I’m feeling, because I fucked up, and there’s no getting around it.
Not only did I fuck up her big night, but I haven’t handled things right with her since that night. I may not be drinking, but I also haven’t had the balls to talk to her like I should.
No, I haven’t talked to her. I was a pussy and sent her a text. That’s how much of a man I am. I can’t even face a five-foot-two-inch woman to tell her how sorry I am. Nope, I am not man enough for that.
The video conference I’ve been sitting in comes to an end, and the room clears. After the last person leaves the room, Frank closes the door.
“Hey, boss man. You okay?”
Yep, I’m off my game.
“I’m good, Frank. How are you doing?”
Frank calling me boss man is a joke. I would be lost without him.
“I’m doing great. Business is booming and as my grandma would say, Uso Construction is a growing concern. I’m just wondering why you don’t seem to be enjoying the success you’ve acquired so quickly. I’ve worked with your dad for years now, and I don’t think he ever dreamed you would be this successful and especially not this fast. So, tell me. What’s got you down, son?”
I’ve known Frank my entire life. He’s been with Uso since the beginning, and he’s one of my dad’s most trusted confidants. My dad didn’t send him to Portland to watch over me; I asked him to come with me. I knew the areas I’m weak in, he would be strong and that together, we could make this west coast branch work.
We came to Portland with the hope of getting one high-rise off the ground, and now we have more jobs scheduled than I could have ever dreamed. We aren’t bidding lower than the other guys, but we are known for our work, and we have multiple sights going.
Dad actually had to send some of the team from Savannah out to help until we can get more team members on board. We’re killing it, and I couldn’t care less.
“Thanks for worrying about me, but I’m all good.”
“Liam, who do you think you’re talking to?”
It’s like having my dad here. There is no getting anything past good ole’ Frank.
“Frank, I messed up. Like, really messed up with Cami.”
“Liam if you tell me that you couldn’t keep it in your pants with a girl like that on your arm, I may just reach across this table and take you out my damn self.”
“Nah, Frank. Even I’m not that stupid. I’ll never want another woman after having Cami. She’s it, Frank. She’s the one and I fucked it up.”
“Talk to me, son.”
I’ve been sitting in her driveway for several minutes. I don’t want to do this, but I know that it’s the right thing to do, and if I want any kind of future with her, then I need to be a man, face the music, and do what’s right.
After spilling my guts and admitting what an immature idiot I am to Frank, he lectured me. He told me that alcohol is no excuse for my actions. I can blame it all I want, but I made the decision to get plastered and ruin the night that my sweet girl had worked so hard for.
He also made it clear I was being a coward by not talking to her face to face. That I needed to be a man and grow the hell up.
He’s right.
Doing what’s right has never been so hard.
It’s the end of July, the morning sky couldn’t be bluer, the birds couldn’t be singing any sweeter, and I couldn’t feel any lower.
How could I have done that to the woman I love?
Yes, I love her.
I love her so fucking much.
If I didn’t love her as much as I do, this wouldn’t be happening. But I do love her so, here I am.
I make the short walk to her door, but it feels like walking miles in the Sahara. My steps feel heavy, as if traipsing through sand, and I’m finding it’s getting hard to breathe.
I knock on her door, and so much time passes, I wonder if she can see that it’s me and doesn’t want to answer. I wouldn’t blame her if that were the case. I wouldn’t want to talk to me either.
Hearing the metal of the locks on her door causes the air I was finding hard to breathe to vanish completely.
The door slowly swings open, and the most beautiful woman I have ever seen stands before me with puffy eyes and no emotion on her usually expressive and joyful face. To know that I’m seeing her in this state because of my immature and selfish behavior has me wanting to drop to my knees to grovel for her forgiveness.
She doesn’t speak, but she does step aside and open the door wide enough to grant me entrance. Entrance that I don’t deserve. I walk past her but avoid direct eye contact. It hurt too much when she opened the door and looked at me like everything that makes her Cami had been sucked out of her. She looks like a shell of herself.
I did that to her.
Hearing the door click closed behind me, I have never been so scared to face a person in my life. But I came here to face the music, and that’s what I need to do.
When I turn around, she’s got her legs pulled up to her chest, and she’s tucked up into the corner of her couch. Her chin is resting on a knee, and she isn’t looking at me.
This pain is like nothing I have ever felt before. My chest is tight. The pain is sharp and constricts my breath. At the same time, I feel like I might be sick. I should be sweating bullets, but I’ve gone cold. Seeing the woman I love looking broken and tired is harder than anything I’ve ever faced before. She is the reason I’m doing this. I have to do this for her if we stand any chance at all.
I bend down in front of her spot on the couch and sit on my knees. I want to grab her and pull her to me, but that will just make it that much harder.
“Hey, Cam.” I know I shouldn’t, but I have to touch her, so I reach for her legs that are still pulled tight against her chest. I bend my head down so I can find her line of sight. I need her to hear me. To know that I mean every word I say to her.
“Hey,” she whispers.
Fuck! I hate this!
“Cami…I am sorrier than you will ever know. I know how special that night was to you. And to Gabe. I know this was your opportunity to do something you love and to start a whole new career. I don’t think that saying how embarrassed and ashamed I am over my behavior could come close to letting you know how deeply I feel both of those things.”
She’s quiet, but her eyes haven’t left mine, and I know she hears me.
“I’ve talked to Emily and Alex, and they explained the situation to me. I know now that they were really making fun of you and your stubborn, independent streak. But, Cami…even if they had really been talking shit about me, there is no excuse to behave the way that I did. It was unacceptable.”
“It was,” she confirms.
Feeling like she’s slapped me across the face, I’m not sure the sting of those two words will go away anytime soon.
“If I’m being honest, since our conversation about kids, my head has been pretty fucked up. Even if the girls were making fun of you, the part about you not wanting to have my children was true. I was in a bad place, and when I heard them confirm what I already knew to be true…I lost it. I did what I always do. I got shitty so that I didn’t have to deal with how bad it hurt. Full disclosure…it hurt, Cam. To know that the only woman I see myself having a future with wasn’t on the same page. To know that we don’t want the same things. Cami, I’ve always wanted to be a dad. Always.
Still holding her legs, I can feel her start to shake, and I watch as the tears start to cascade down her perfectly freckled face.
“Baby, I have to ask you for some time. I need to get my head straight. I need to make sure that when I do get my shit together and I come back to you—because I am coming back to you—that I’ve accepted the fact that I may not ever get to be a father. It won’t be fair to either of us if I haven’t accepted this, and I grow to resent you down the road.”
She nods her head in agreement, but her soft tears have turned into savage sobs. I can’t take it anymore. I get up off the floor and pull her into me as I sit dow
n on the couch.
Talking into her hair, I need to be sure she knows we aren’t over. I just need time. “I’m not ending this, Cami. I couldn’t quit on us even if I wanted to. You’re it for me. You are still my girl. My little lady. And I belong to you. Do you hear me? I belong to you.”
She cries into my chest, and I hear a choked yes in between her sobs.
“Baby, I’m afraid if we don’t take this time we might not make it. I don’t how much time I’m gonna need but I sure do hope you can wait for me. I understand if you don’t want to wait, if my behavior was too much to forgive. I understand if you’re afraid that you’ll be living with a man who gets drunk every time life gets tough. All that I ask is that you don’t decide anything today.”
I cannot believe I am about to say this.
“Babe, I think the only way this will work is if we don’t talk. I have to ask you not to call me or text me.”
She gasps and jumps up from the couch. Her hand is covering her mouth, and her tears are still falling. I follow her to the middle of the room, and she just keeps shaking her head.
“Cami, look at me.” I say, stopping her head from shaking back and forth by holding her head in my hands. “You may not get a daily reminder from me, but you need to know that there will not be a single day, hour, minute, or second that I am not thinking about you. I just need time to make sure that I can be the man that you deserve for me to be.”
Her eyes are closed, and she seems to be calming with my hands on her, and she’s holding on to my wrists for dear life.
“Know this, little lady. I have never wanted anything as much as I want you in my life. I will do what needs to be done to get where I need to be for you. For me. For us.”
Her eyes are still closed when I kiss her on the forehead and let go of her. Her small hands tighten around my wrists as if silently pleading with me to stay, but somehow I manage to pull myself away.
I let myself out and walk to the car without looking back.
I can’t look back.
If I do, I’ll take her back in my arms, and I’ll never let go.
