by Lisa Shelby
Cami
“All right, we have cake pops, chocolate milk, and Jonathan promised to get your fishies while he’s at the store. Do you need anything else while we’re up?”
“Well, the Gold Fish are more for my baby daddy than me. He’ll do anything, including using my pregnancy as an excuse, to make sure we have them on hand at all times. Some things never change I guess. Thank you both so much for hanging out with me again today. This whole being confined to bed thing is highly overrated.”
“Of course, chica. We’re always here when you need us, you know that,” I say, setting her milk on the bedside table next to her and her snacks and gossip magazines on her lap—well, she doesn’t have much of a lap left with those babies in the way, but she makes do.
Emily was put on bedrest two weeks ago—the day after the Avenue of Dreams open house to be exact—and I have been spending as much time as possible taking care of her between client meetings and open houses. It’s been a nice distraction since I haven’t talked to Liam since the day he came over and asked me not to call him. It’s been the hardest two weeks of my life but, I haven’t uttered a word about it. Emily has too much going on and besides, I’m a big girl. I can handle it.
Climbing onto the bed, I scoot into the middle next to Emily to leave plenty of room for Alex. I flip on our favorite housewives reality show and help myself to one of Emily’s magazines and start flipping through the pages of the rich and famous.
Helping her adjust her pillows, Alex says, “It’s too bad this is what it takes to get the three of us some alone time, but I’ll take it. With work, kids, husbands and…” she looks across the bed at me with a look of apology and I can’t take it.
I don’t do pity.
“Alex you’re right. Some girl time will do us all some good. Now get over here and climb in. We haven’t done this in years. This king-size bed is a step up from Emily’s double bed that we would read magazines and gossip in when we were kids. Not that I minded. It was perfect for us back then. And look at us now.”
I can’t help but rub her belly. “Twins, Em. You have two babies growing in this stomach.” I bend down to talk to her stomach. “You two take it easy in there and give your mom a break. Take your time and cook in your momma’s tummy a little bit more. I mean, we can’t wait to meet you but not before you’re ready. Got it?” I give her belly another rub and sit back up.
“I am as big as a house, Cami. I am well aware there are two babies in here,” she says, rubbing her belly. “I don’t remember being this tired with Ireland. These two are kicking my butt.”
Alex, reaches across me so that she can give Em and the twins a gentle rub too. “I can’t even imagine how tired you are. I know how tired I was with Ava, I can’t imagine two.”
“You guys, I am fine and I would love to talk about something besides being pregnant!”
She takes a bite of her pink cake pop and hums in ecstasy with each bite.
“I have never seen a person love something as much as you love your cake pops, chica. I mean you look like you could orgasm right here with the two of us in this bed with you. Your love runs deep.”
“So, good…” she mumbles through a full mouth of sugary goodness.
Alex touches my leg and asks, “You ready to talk to us about Liam? You haven’t said a word since Em went on bedrest, and we’re worried about you.”
“Alex is right again. You’ve used my bedrest as a distraction and there is no way you would let either one of us get away with not talking about what’s going on with our men if it was one of us in your shoes. Talk to us, Cam.”
These two know me better than anyone ever has. It’s true, I have been avoiding the subject. I’m hurt. I’m scared. I feel lost without him.
“I don’t know what to say. I haven’t seen him since he came over a few days after the open house. We haven’t talked.”
“What? He hasn’t called since then?” Alex asks, appalled.
I shake my head back and forth. It hurts too bad to answer out loud.
“What did he say when he came over?” Alex probes.
“He asked for time.” I look Alex in the eyes, and mine start to fill with tears. Her arm comes around my shoulder, and she pulls me to her so my head rests on her shoulder.
Emily takes my hand and asks, “That’s not all he said, was it?”
I’m sure she knows more than she is letting on since Liam and Jonathan are so close. In fact, I’m sure that she has seen him, but my pride hasn’t let me ask.
“No.” I sniff and straighten my back, sitting up tall and strong before I share the rest of his heart felt plea. “He said that he was sorrier than I would ever know. That he knows how special the night was to me and that he was embarrassed and ashamed over his behavior. He said that you…” I say, glancing my attention to Emily. “…explained the situation and he understands you were really just making fun of me, but the fact that he reacted the way he did was unacceptable and that he needed time to get his head right.”
I crawl to the center of the bed so I’m sitting across from my two best friends. I need to see their faces. To see what they really think.
“You guys, he said he wasn’t ending it and that I was still his girl, but if he didn’t take this time we might not make it. He asked that I not call him and that when he was ready he would call me.”
I can no longer hold back my new batch of tears, so I don’t. I let them fall, and I let Emily and Alex see just how broken I really am.
“He asked me not to call him.” I sob. “To me that sounds like a break up. I am so confused and hurt, and I miss him so much.” I use my hoodie to try and dry my face, but the next set of tears soaks my cheeks once again. “I have never missed someone so much. It hurts so bad, you guys. I don’t know what to do. What do I do?”
“Oh sweetheart, I am so sorry, and I wish I wasn’t a beached whale right now, and I could crawl over there and hold you.”
“No offense, but right now I don’t want to be held. I want to know what the hell I am supposed to do! I know you’ve seen him, Em. Why won’t you tell me anything?”
“I have seen him, but I wasn’t keeping anything from you. You weren’t talking about it, and I wasn’t sure if you were ready.”
I take the tissues Alex offers me and try to dry my eyes. Well, it’s more like my cheeks, chin, and neck. I am drowning in tears, but I take some deep cleansing breaths and gain some strength.
“I’m ready, Em. Please. Not knowing how he is or what he’s doing is killing me.”
Emily takes her own deep breath before continuing.
“Cam, he was a mess the day after your open house. Before we had to take off to the hospital thanks to these two…” She rubs her stomach with both hands, “…he was here, and I explained exactly what he had heard. He was mortified that he had reacted the way he did. He admitted that he thought he needed to get some help. Not rehab or anything like that but that he was going to go see someone, and he did Cami. He’s been going to a doctor twice a week, and he’s been talking about his coping mechanisms, and he’s trying to figure himself out. Other than that, he’s been working a lot. He comes by every night after work and checks on me and we sit and talk for a bit.”
I am blown away to hear that Liam is getting help. I am not, however, surprised that he comes and sits with Emily every night. That’s the Liam I know and love.
God, I love him so much.
“I am so proud of him.”
“You should be,” Emily says.
“But he won’t talk to me. Why can’t he talk to me?”
“You want the truth? Or at least what I think the truth is?”
“Of course. Always.” I expect nothing less from both of these women.
“Cami, I think Liam is head over heels in love with you.”
My heart soars for only the briefest of moments because I know there is a but coming.
“But he needs to have time to think about whether or not that love is worth giving up h
is dream of having a family.”
To say that I am crestfallen wouldn’t be enough. To know it was bothering him more than he let on but he couldn’t talk to me about it. Why didn’t he just talk to me about it?
“I think he wants time to not only figure himself out, but to also think without the distraction of you. He wants to be with you desperately, but if you were in his daily life, it would distort his view on everything, and he wouldn’t really think things through the way he needs to. He wants to be fair to you and to know that when you get back together, he can do so knowing what he’s getting into and that he won’t feel bitter about it down the road.”
“And what if he decides he can’t do that? What do I do then?”
“Don’t think that way, Cam. You have to stay positive,” Alex says, handing me another tissue.
“That’s usually my line to you guys, but I don’t know how to stay positive right now. I know that I can do life on my own and that has always been fine with me, but I don’t want to do life without him. I know that my life would be better with him by my side, as my partner, but I don’t want to force him to be something he isn’t or live a life that isn’t everything he has always dreamed of.”
“Cami…” Emily tries to break in, but I don’t let her.
“It’s just like this right here.” I point to myself. “This isn’t me. I don’t cry over relationships. I am not this girl. I am happy to hear that he is talking to someone and getting help, but I don’t want to force him to change what he wants in life to be with me. I don’t want him to get help for me; I want him to do it because he knows he’s worth it. Just like he wouldn’t want to be with the girl I am here in this moment. This is not who he fell for. He fell for the strong, confident woman who didn’t need a man to be complete.”
“That’s where I think you are wrong,” Alex says, holding a pillow to her chest. “I think this is what Liam wants. To see you’re feeling just as vulnerable as he is right now. That you do need him. When you love someone, you love everything about them. The good, the bad, the strong, and the weak.”
She’s right, I know she’s right. But it’s easier to tell myself that he wouldn’t want me if he could see me right now.
“Cam, why do you think you don’t want to be a mother? There is no judgement here. Lots of woman don’t, but, why don’t you?” Alex asks the question I have never really asked myself.
“I don’t know, Alex. I guess I just always told myself that I didn’t want to be a mom. I love Ireland and Ava, but I guess I never felt that maternal calling that most girls get growing up. I never had that mother-daughter relationship with my mom, and the truth is, I’m afraid I wouldn’t know how to do it or be any good at it. It’s just not something that I’ve ever thought about.”
Emily stays quiet, probably not wanting to break Liam’s confidence since it’s clear they’ve been talking, but Alex continues.
“Liam, like most of us, probably just thought it was something you said because you were single and it wasn’t in your near future, but when the two of you became a couple well…he probably thought that would change by falling in love and finding the right person. Someone you would want to have a family with. For him that person is you. To know that being with him wasn’t enough to change your mind makes him feel like he isn’t enough for you. Or that he isn’t worthy of being the father to your children.”
“We aren’t even engaged, Alex.”
“No, but he asked you to move in with him. He knows that for a woman like you that in itself is a big deal,” Emily finally says. “He also knows that it was only a matter of months ago that you saw him in a heap over his ex, and he may not think that you could believe that he could be ready for all of this with you yet.”
“Shit, his ex. She told him he wasn’t good enough to marry and when I said I didn’t want kids with him that was all he heard again.” It’s all clicked in my head. Finally. “He thinks he isn’t good enough for me, but to tell you the truth, he’s too good for me, and I don’t deserve him. Yes, he has problems he needs to deal with and he’s working on that, but he is more than worthy. It’s me that isn’t worthy of having his children. I have no business being a mother.”
“Cami, I love you, but shut up. You practically raised Ireland with me. It was you and me down in California, alone, raising that little girl together for four years. I could never have done that without you. You mean the world to her. You were born to be a mother, but I get it if it isn’t something you want. But, please don’t say that you aren’t worthy. I won’t listen to it.”
“I can’t stand to hear you talk that way either. Ava lights up when you walk through the door. You are a natural with her and Gabby’s boys too. Don’t let your relationship with your mom get in the way of your happiness if that is what this is all about. You know what to do differently than your parents. You know what not to do and if anything, you’ll be a better mom than the both of us. It’s not like we had perfect family units as our examples and we’re doing okay. I mean, they’re young but so far so good.” Alex finishes with a wink.
“I could never be as good at this whole thing as you two, but thank you both for saying as much. I guess I just never gave motherhood much thought. If there was ever a man that I could see raising a family with it would be Liam. But I can’t see myself raising a child with someone who drinks to deal with their pain.”
“He’s working on it, but I completely understand your hesitation. We all have to hope for the best and see what happens.”
Emily grabs each of us by the hand and brings them to her belly so we can feel the babies moving. It’s magical and I must admit, it does spark something in me, but I’m not ready to even think in those terms until I know Liam is ready.
We spend the next couple of minutes cooing over the little foot that is trying to push its way out of the side of Emily’s stomach with no luck. When one of the babies moves, it makes the other move. I think Alex and I could sit and stare at these babies in action all day.
The babies finally settle, and I realize I am just as lost as I was when I carried in the cake pops and chocolate milk.
“What do I do?” I look at them both, pleading for an easy answer. Any answer that will bring Liam back to me. Back to me, but also whole enough to deal with the problems that life will surely bring.
“Do I give him the space he wants? Do I reach out to him? I don’t want to lose him. The past two weeks have been miserable, and each day that passes scares me more than the last. I’m afraid the longer we’re apart, the easier it will be for him to walk away. I don’t know what to do.”
Emily struggles to change positions, and I get up to help her move her pillows and to hand her chocolate milk to her. She takes a long sip and then wipes off the adorable milk mustache left behind and hands the glass back to me to set down for her.
“Cami, I know how hard this is for you, but I promise he hasn’t forgotten you, and he doesn’t want to walk away. I think you need to give him his space, and when he’s ready you’ll hear from him. I am sure that seems impossible, and I’m not sure I would be able to practice what I preach, but that’s my two cents. I only say this because I do see him almost every day, and he is trying really hard to figure things out for himself. Give him the time he needs and he’ll get there.”
I’m home, but I’m still in my car with the engine running. I can’t seem to shut the car off and get out. I don’t want to face my empty home with all of its reminders of Liam. My mind has been racing since I left Emily’s and I keep replaying my conversation over lunch with Fiona when she was visiting last month.
“Cami, I cannot tell you how happy I am that my Liam has found someone like you. I always knew you were quite the catch and would make some man very happy one day. How fortunate for me that it’s my son that gets your heart.”
Hearing Fiona’s praise strikes something deep within. Something that I always longed to hear from my own parents and never received. If only Fiona knew how much it meant to m
e to hear her say such kind things. Liam’s family is such a lovely added bonus to our already pretty spectacular relationship.
“To know that someone as loyal as you were to Emily when she went through everything she did all those years ago cares about my Liam, does this momma’s heart good. You were both so young, and you didn’t have to give up years of your youth to be there for your friend, but you did. That really says something about the kind of woman you are.”
Her words continue to warm my heart, but I’m taken aback when she brings up Hannah.
“Cami, you have no idea how bad that wretched girl hurt my boy. I knew she wasn’t the one for him, but for a short while, he thought she was. To find out the person he thought he loved was with him for all the wrong reasons was harder on him than I would have ever imagined. Yes, where he grew up there is a lot of focus on families that come from old money, but his race had never been seen as a negative before. This is mostly because he hung out with great people, like the Kellys.”
She takes a sip of her tea and looks out at the view of the river in front of us.
“I thought I’d lost a bit of him. He hadn’t seemed himself until he moved to Portland and you came into his life the way you have. We knew he needed a change and that coming out here to busy himself with work would help, but we had no idea he’d be lucky enough to snag you while he was at it.”
She turns her gaze back to me, and I can see the hurt lingering in her eyes.
“Fiona, it breaks my heart that he was ever made to feel less than, because he is quite a man. I must confess, I’m glad it didn’t work out with Hannah. Her loss is most definitely my gain, and I promise you I will remind him every day just how worthy he is. He deserves no less than that.”
“I know you will, my dear. I know you will.”
But I didn’t keep my word.
I didn’t remind him every day how worthy he was. I’ve been so focused on work that I took advantage of knowing that he would be there. I knew he was upset about our conversation about having children, but I didn’t talk to him about it. I used the excuse that I was busy, but the truth is, I didn’t want to deal with how I made him feel, and I should have taken the time.
