by Lucy Gage
“You don’t remember why you’re here?” his father asked.
“No. When did I end things with Beth?”
Neil knew he’d never have tolerated cheating, particularly from Beth. He’d been on the verge of ending things with her for months.
“That was over a year ago. ‘Twas six months before Danny’s weddin’. Do ye recall anythin’ about the weddin’?” his mother asked as she glanced at his father.
They both looked worried. Why would they look worried?
“No. She said that Danny had already gotten married, but I don’t remember it.”
“She?”
“Meghan Miles. Did you know she was here when I woke up?”
“Ah,” his mother began.
“Captain,” an officer said, his insignia indicating that he was a Major. He must be the doctor. “Glad to see you’ve finally decided to rejoin us. I’m Major Lewis, your physician here at Walter Reed. I’m going to do some simple tests. Follow along as best you can, okay? I’ll ask you some questions while I work.”
“Yes, sir.”
The Major began poking and prodding, asking him to look at lights, standard stuff to check his stats. As he worked, he said, “So, Captain Murphy, do you recall what landed you in the hospital?”
“No, sir. I haven’t the foggiest.”
“What is the last thing you can recall?”
“The very last thing?”
“Just give us a ballpark, soldier. Most recent memory you can recall before today.”
“I remember training for deployment. We took a trip in February to the Sierras for mountain training. A Tae Kwon Do tournament just after that.”
“How long after the training did the tournament happen?”
“A couple weeks, sir. Why? How long have I been out?”
“You’ve been in a medically-induced coma for eight weeks.”
“So, it’s what, April?”
“It is. But if I check your records, I’m sure I’ll find that the training you attended happened over a year ago. Eight weeks ago, you were in Afghanistan.”
“What are you saying?” Neil asked, his heart racing.
“I’m saying, Captain, that I believe you have what we call Post Traumatic Amnesia.”
“I have amnesia. And you’re saying that I can’t remember anything about the last year of my life.”
“I believe that is correct, soldier.”
Neil heard his mother gasp and start sobbing. He glanced at her and his father was holding her and rubbing her back. He looked back at the doctor. “How long will it last?”
“It’s hard to say, son. It could be a few months or a few years. A lot of it depends on why your body kept you in the coma. Given what landed you here, there is a chance pushing your memory could trigger PTSD. We want to avoid that, so I’m going to ask that we hit the reset button for you back to when you last have clear memories.”
He looked at Neil’s parents, whose faces reflected great sadness.
“What’s going on, Ma? Dad? Why are you so upset about this?”
Not that he wasn’t disturbed, but they were acting as if someone had died. Oh, God.
“Did someone die? Do I not remember that? Was it Owen? Or Jack? Or Danny? God, did something happen to Danny?”
“It’s best if we let him come to it on his own,” Major Lewis said.
“I agree, with ye, Major, but we can’t let him think that his best friends are dead when they’re not.”
Neil sighed in relief. “Then what is it?”
His father spoke. “He’s right, Neil. Given what we know, it’s best if your memories return on their own. No one died in the last year. It’s nothing like that, okay? Your mother and me, we’re just having an emotional reaction, is all. You went through a lot and we hate that we can’t tell you about it.”
“Why can’t I know?” Neil asked, frustrated.
“It’s for the best, Captain,” Major Lewis said.
“Well, it sucks. Sir.”
“I understand. I’ll give you some time with your parents and your friend and we can talk again a little later. I need to speak to someone in my office.” He gave Neil’s parents a pointed look and they nodded.
“Yes, sir,” Neil said. Something just didn’t add up. Neil couldn’t place what or why, but he had a sense that he was missing something really important.
“He said friend. Who’s here?”
“Danny is here, Neil. I’m sure he’s anxious to talk to you,” his father said, eyes filled with exhaustion.
“Why can’t you tell me what’s really going on?” he asked.
“I wish we could, love. But Major Lewis is right. Yer brain might be wantin’ to protect ye from the events that landed ye here. We don’t want to rush it. Ye need to heal.” His mother hugged him gently. “I’m so glad yer finally awake, darlin’. We were gettin’ worried. We’ll come back again in a bit. Danny’ll be wantin’ to see ye.” She had tears in her eyes, still, and Neil felt helpless to fix what was wrong.
His father hugged him. “Glad you’re back, son. We missed you something fierce. We’ll send Danny down.”
Neil nodded and sighed as they left. Maybe Danny would tell him the truth. Something was off. He’d obviously been injured, based on the itching and pulling around his abdomen and the residual pain. And he felt weak, which was probably partly due to being bedridden for two months. But it was more than that. Whatever had landed him here wasn’t the only thing they were hiding. They were keeping something important from him, and he wanted to know what it was.
**********
After a little while, Neil’s parents returned. They both looked like they had been crying.
“Danny, he’d like to see you,” Aidan said.
“He’s alone,” Siobhan pointed out.
Dan nodded. Good. They had gotten rid of Beth, somehow. Neil’s mother sat down on one side of her, his father on the other.
“Meghan, Major Lewis would like to talk with ye. He didn’t say too much in front of Neil, but I think we’ve got a long road yet ahead of us. He’s waitin’ for ye in his office,” Siobhan noted.
Meg nodded. They hugged her and she went to find the doctor. When she arrived at his office, he waved for her to come in and gestured to the chair.
“Ms. Miles, why don’t you shut the door and then please, have a seat.” Meg did as she was instructed. He began, “Let’s start with what happened this morning before Captain Murphy woke up. Did you do anything different?”
Meg told him the story she had relayed to Dan.
“So that you know, Lieutenant Juarez has been reprimanded for sneaking into a restricted patient’s room. The Murphys have asked that she not be allowed back. Apparently, she indicated to Mrs. Murphy that she was Neil’s girlfriend, and given how his parents feel about you and your role in his life, I take it his mother was not impressed. She made it very clear that Lieutenant Juarez needed to leave the room immediately. Now, you said you played two specific songs for him? What was the reasoning behind that?”
“Well, for one, they’re our favorite songs. For another, they’re also associated with a very specific memory for both of us. One that, uh, only the two of us are privy to.”
“Was it an intimate memory?” He gave her a wry smile.
She cleared her throat. “Yes.”
“I see. Well, you don’t need to share what it is. That’s enough. It was clear when he woke that he recognized you?” She nodded. “How long have you known the Captain?”
“There isn’t really a simple answer to that. He has known who I am since he was fourteen, but we didn’t start dating until last August, just before he shipped to Afghanistan.”
“And he indicated that he didn’t recall his best friend’s wedding? When did Mr. Williams get married?”
“In August.”
“Am I assuming correctly that the two of you began dating after the wedding?” Meg nodded. “So the fact that he doesn’t recall the wedding means he likely doesn�
�t remember that you’re his girlfriend. Did you get that impression?” She sighed and nodded. “Good. Not that it’s good he doesn’t remember your romance, just that it confirms my suspicions. You said before that you’re a therapist. Are you familiar with Post Traumatic Amnesia?”
“Yes. Since Neil was in his coma for several weeks, that means it could be months or even years before he recovers his memories.”
“That’s correct. We have to look at each case individually in these situations. Depending on what caused the coma to persist, pushing him to remember might do more harm than good.”
Meg sighed again. “And given that he was at war and in the middle of combat at the time he was injured, pushing him could induce PTSD that’s worse than he might have otherwise.”
“Exactly. There’s no way to predict what memories will be unearthed. The trauma to Captain Murphy’s brain was minimal – what you’d expect to see from a mild concussion. I don’t anticipate any lasting effects. But it will be several months before there is any notable progress in the recovery of his memories. I didn’t ask you in here to lecture you…”
“I know. But at the same time, you’re warning me that Neil likely won’t remember,” she had to pause as her voice broke. She took a deep breath. “Neil won’t remember what we are to each other for a while. Believe me, I know better than most women in my situation what it all means.”
“That doesn’t make it hurt less.”
“No, it doesn’t.”
“It’s up to you how you proceed from here, Ms. Miles. But if I were you, I might consider allowing the Captain to work toward his recovery on his own. He’ll remember eventually. I can’t promise when, but it will happen. Something will trigger a memory and things will come back to him. If I may be presumptuous, I think it will be more painful for you to watch up close than it will be to go back to your life and wait for his memories to return.”
Meg bit her lip. She knew he was right. But to think about leaving Neil now, when he was finally here, finally awake, finally on a path to recovery, crushed her. She nodded at the doctor and let the tears roll down her cheeks. He handed her a tissue.
“If you’re all set, I think I’ll go speak with Dan and the Murphys.”
“By all means. I’m sorry, Ms. Miles. I know this can’t be easy.”
“Thank you for your kindness, Major Lewis. I’ll leave my card with you. I’d appreciate it if you could keep me informed on Neil’s progress.” Meg rose to leave.
The Major stood and extended his hand. “I will, Ms. Miles. Keep the faith. The Captain is fortunate to have someone in his life who cares enough about him to think of his health and well-being before their own.”
“I guess that’s what it means to really love someone. Neil would be proud of me. He’s always been taught to think of others before himself. I’m just coming into that. I guess this is the true test. And here I thought it was living without him while he was in Afghanistan.”
“You’re learning early what it is to be married to a military man. If you don’t have what it takes, maybe it’s better to know that now, before you say vows.”
Meg nodded. “I have what it takes. It’s just going to be hell.”
He nodded slowly. Yes, it would be.
***********
“Well, look what the cat dragged in,” Neil said as Danny walked into his room.
“If I look like shit, it’s your fault. I’ve been sitting here for two weeks, waiting for your ass to wake up. What took you so long?”
“I don’t even know what landed me here.”
Danny furrowed his brow. “What’s the last thing you remember?”
“It’s not dumping Beth, thank God. I’m glad I can’t remember that I caught her fucking someone else.”
“How’d you know?”
Neil laughed. “Ma almost tore her apart because she was being a bitch and wouldn’t leave. It took outing her big mistake.”
“If Siobhan hadn’t said it, I would’ve. She didn’t deserve you. Besides, you have better things to focus on now.”
“Oh? And what are those things? Because no one will tell me a damn thing about the last year or so. Last thing I remember is a Tae Kwon Do tournament last February. What the hell happened in the last fourteen months?”
“You don’t remember any of it? Not even my wedding?”
“No, Danny. Nothing. Shit, I’m sorry. I wish I could remember your wedding.”
Danny’s eyes grew dark and he sighed. “Yeah. Me too.”
“What are you not saying?”
“You know what, we should talk about something else.”
“Okay. Fine. Why was Meghan Miles sitting at my bedside, crying and holding my hand, when I woke up?”
Danny hesitated, then blew out a breath. “Because she’s your girlfriend. She’s in love with you. You’ve been together since my wedding.”
“What? Don’t play with me like that, Danny. You know I’ve wanted her for as long as I’ve cared about girls. Like I’d forget if the girl of my dreams was my girlfriend and in love with me.”
“I’m serious.”
Neil’s heart raced again. “Fuck you. There’s no way that’s true. I’ve been in love with her since I was fourteen. As if I’d forget her saying she loved me.” Would I?
His best friend looked as if he might cry, which was quite the shock. Danny wasn’t that emotional. He took a breath and steadied himself. “I was just kidding. You know me. I’m an ass like that.”
“Right,” Neil said, forcing a smile. But he knew that, like everyone else, Danny was keeping a secret. Apparently, he couldn’t trust anyone to give him the truth.
***********
Meg found Dan in the waiting room. He looked up from the magazine he was reading when she arrived.
“Hey. What did he say?”
Meg burst into tears, wracked with sobs she’d been holding inside while she spoke to the doctor. Dan held her as she cried, rubbing her back, whispering that it would be okay. Finally, after several minutes, Meg took a shuddering breath. She breathed deeply one more time and told Dan what the doctor had said. She sniffed.
“I have to go home, Dan. I can’t stay here. I want to stay, but I can’t. He’s right. It will be worse for me to stay and wait for something to happen and probably even worse for Neil to know I’m here.”
“Are you walking away?” Dan asked, confused.
“No. Never. I love him now more than ever. But it does him no good for me to sit here, waiting for the slightest thing to make him remember. When he finally does, if he’s meant to be mine, he’ll come back to me. And I’ll be waiting. I can’t even fathom loving anyone else. Not for the rest of my life. I’ll wait as long as it takes. But I have to go back to my life while I do it. Otherwise, I’ll drive myself insane.”
“When I went to see him, he asked me why you were here. I wasn’t sure what I should tell him, so I went with the truth.”
“Which was?”
“That you’re his girlfriend and you’re in love with him. That the two of you have been together since my wedding.”
Meg’s heart raced. “What did he say?”
“I don’t think he believed me.” Dan laughed. “He’s wanted it for so long, Meg, I think he honestly thought I was pulling his leg. Like I was teasing him the way only a best friend can. I said I was serious, and he looked distressed because he couldn’t remember anything.”
“That’s why I have to leave. It will be so much harder for him to concentrate on getting better and stronger if he’s wondering when it is that he’ll remember everything between us.”
“He’s loved you for a long time. He doesn’t need to remember the last year to know that.”
“It’s not just about him remembering his feelings for me. It’s also about him knowing that those feelings are truly, genuinely returned. He swept me off my feet the moment he asked me to dance at the wedding. He needs to recall that I wanted to dance with him. That I eagerly went upstairs to his room. That
he made my toes curl the next morning and it got me to ask him to spend the week with me. That we both fell head over heels that week. That I was the first one to say ‘I love you’. That when he said he loved me, too, it made me happier than I’ve ever been. If he can remember all that, he’ll feel confident about the rest. After that, there’s evidence in the form of love letters and emails. But without those first memories, the rest will feel false.”
Dan gave her a sad smile. Neil must have told him some of that before. And she knew that he was aware of how long it took for Meg to recall all that had happened during the wedding and after. Meg had admitted to Dan recently that there were still gaps for her.
She’d been so grateful to Neil for letting her fall in love with him all over again. It made everything so much more powerful. And now, more painful.
She started to cry again. Through the tears, she said, “I hate it. I hate that it’s true and that I’m educated enough to know it’s true in my mind. Because my heart wants to say to hell with it and to go into that room and kiss him until he remembers. But I can’t. Because my head knows that it’s pointless. Only time can heal this.”
Dan nodded. He knew she was right. Now, the only thing to do was to talk to Siobhan and Aidan and let them know her plans. She wanted them to tell Neil to open the boxes from Afghanistan when he felt like he was ready. Until then, finding those letters and everything she had sent him would be stressful. To know that the woman you had loved for half your life finally returned your feelings and you couldn’t remember any of it? That was cruel. The fact that she still loved you, that if you showed her the least little bit of affection she’d take care of the rest, it might seem like it could make up for the missing pieces in the short term, but as a therapist, she knew better.
Meg had a solid understanding of what Neil was going through. She might want to stay, but she owed him the chance to come back to her on his own. He had done that for her, once. Had trusted their love, had taken the risk that it might not happen, that she might not fall in love with him twice. But she did. She fell for him all over again. And then, once she knew what had really happened, he found all those ways to help her recall as much of the wedding as possible.
