by Lucy Gage
He’d remember everything eventually. She had to believe that.
It was the only thing that would get her through this.
That night, she packed her bags and made arrangements to fly to Boston in the morning, where she’d cry on Carlos’ shoulder before she returned to her old life.
Before she left, she stole into Neil’s room while he slept. They’d sedated him so he could sleep less fitfully and get some rest.
She left the cobalt blue guitar pick next to his bed, because once he remembered, he would know what to do with it. And then she kissed him, gently, one last time, whispered, “I love you,” and did the hardest thing she had ever done in her life: she walked out the door on the only man she had ever loved.
The whole way home, she prayed to God that he would remember how much he loved her.
Sooner rather than later.
Chapter 31
“Did she leave?” Neil asked Danny the next morning.
“Who? Beth?”
“No. I don’t give a shit about Beth. I meant Meghan Miles. Did she leave?”
“Uh, yeah. She left this morning for Boston. She’s visiting friends before she heads back to Maine.”
A pain hit his chest, sharp and unwelcome, not to mention very confusing. He brushed it aside. “College friends? She went to grad school there, right? Doesn’t her best friend live there?”
“Far as I know, Emily is her best friend and always has been, and Em lives in Harpswell.”
“I thought she lived in Portland? Is she still dating Josh?”
Danny cleared his throat. “No. She’s…married to someone else.”
“Oh, that’s too bad. Hey, is Charlie pissed that I don’t remember the wedding? I know I couldn’t be there as your best man, but I hope I didn’t do anything stupid or make an ass of myself.”
A smile crept across his face. “No worries. Women swooned, as always. You did Uncle Sam proud. The usual Neil Murphy.”
Neil could swear that Danny’s voice had an edge to it. “Then why do my parents cringe every time I mention your wedding?”
Danny paused. To anyone who hadn’t known him their whole life, it might have been nothing. But Neil knew it meant Danny had taken a split second to think about what he’d say. His best friend had always spoken his mind without hesitation. Which meant he still wouldn’t tell Neil the truth about the last year. And if he couldn’t trust Danny to give it to him straight, who could he trust?
“They’re probably just worried about jogging your memory.”
“But I want them to jog my memory.”
“And the doc says that’s not a great idea, at least not intentionally. Not yet. I know you’re frustrated…”
“NO! You have no clue! You’ve never lost a year of your life! I want to know what the hell happened to me! Why won’t anyone tell me?”
From across the room, he heard his mother’s voice. “Darlin’, it’s best to let it come back naturally. Major Lewis thinks your brain may be tryin’ to protect ye from the…incident that landed ye here.”
“I don’t want to be protected,” Neil replied, deflated.
His mother sat on the edge of his bed and held his hand.
“I know. But sometimes, we have to do what’s necessary and not what we want, aye? Ye know that, don’t ye?”
Neil nodded. “How long?”
“They don’t know, darlin’. Could be a few months, could be up to a few years.”
“You’re kidding,” Neil said flatly.
“I wish I was. I know ye want to get it all back right this moment, but ye can’t. Even if we tell ye all o’ it, ye might be confused and still not recall. It’d be like hearin’ a story. When it comes back to ye on its own, the memories won’t seem like someone else’s. Do ye see? Can ye understand why it’s important to wait?”
“They don’t want me to get depressed when I know something and can’t remember it.”
“I knew ye were a smart boy,” she said, patting his cheek and giving him a small smile. “As for me and your Da, we’ll try to be less obvious about our distress. It’s no help to ye. We’ve been so used to ye being a grown man that we’d forgotten how to be parents in that way.”
“I don’t want you to lie to me.”
“I know we taught ye that lyin’ is wrong, but sometimes, as a parent, ye have to practice lies of omission, aye? It’s not always best to make the truth known. At least ye know that we’ll talk about it at some point. A bit like when ye asked about how babies were made.”
Neil laughed. “You know, I learned how babies were made from my friends before you sat down and told me the facts of life.”
“Exactly. But when ye were truly ready to talk about it, ye came to us. Ye’ll do that this time. Meanwhile, I got ye a new phone. Same number as ye’ve had for the last several years, but Major Lewis said it’d probably be best to start with a clean slate, one that puts ye back where ye can remember. Best not to wonder what pictures, texts and call logs mean.”
“All my numbers…”
She raised her hand. “For contacts ye’d made before last February, they’re still intact. The boy at the cellular store was a gem. And we upgraded ye to an iPhone, because I took away yer iPod.”
“What? Why?”
She inclined her head. “Clean slate. All yer music is still available at iTunes. The boy at the store helped me load it on the phone.”
Danny chuckled. “Good thing you’re a meticulous soldier who kept a list of important information for his loved ones.”
His mother forced a smile. “That it is, Danny.”
Turning back to Neil, she said, “Eventually, ye’ll remember. Major Lewis is fairly confident. For now, ye need to get ready for yer first therapy sessions. Do ye want me to help ye? Or would ye rather have Danny or one o’ the nurses?”
“No, you can help me, Ma. I guess I should be glad I can move on my own, even if I’m clumsy, huh? Better that than paralyzed, right?”
Tears pooled in his mother’s eyes. “That it is. I can’t tell ye how happy I am that yer okay, Neil. This memory hiccup, we’ll get past that. If ye didn’t make it, we’d not have even that much. We’ll get through it, darlin’. All of us, together.”
“I’m going to make some calls,” Danny said. “Now that your sorry ass is awake, I have to get back to work.”
“Are you going back to Maine?”
“Not yet. It’s still early enough in the construction season that I can telecommute. And my dad had some business in DC, so I’m meeting him tomorrow. Is it okay if he stops by for a visit?”
“Definitely. I’d love to see him. You coming back for dinner?”
“Wouldn’t miss it.” Danny lifted his hand in a wave and left.
Neil inhaled deeply. “Let’s get this show on the road. The sooner I get through PT, the sooner I can get back to my unit.”
With another forced smile, his mother said, “Up ye go, then.”
**********
Though the air at Logan could hardly be called fresh, it beat the stale airplane version. As she pulled her carry-on behind her, Meg powered-up her phone and found a text from Dan.
Still nothing concrete. It’ll be a while.
Yes, she knew as much. She’d never expected Neil to make a next-day miraculous recovery. To acknowledge her receipt, she replied,
It takes time. In Beantown. Will call when back in Maine.
Meg dialed Carlos’ number, which rang twice before he answered, “Hola, Mojito. I had an emergency, so I’m not picking you up.”
“An emergency?”
“Domestic dispute between a pair of married clients. I’m at Mass Gen. Don’t worry, you’ll still have a ride. Look for a sign with your name by baggage claim. Doctor’s here. I’ll see you at home later.”
Meg sighed and plodded toward baggage claim.
As she reached for her suitcase on the conveyor, a hand lifted it and she turned to find Nico inches from her face. He stood and set the luggage on the floor
and waved a sign for her that said, MOJITO.
“Surprise?”
Her breath caught. She should be furious with Carlos for asking Nico to be her ride, but instead, she began to sob in relief and launched herself into Nico’s arms.
He rubbed her back and held her close, murmuring, “Hey, it’ll be okay. Whatever it is, Meg, we’ll get through it.”
God, why does he have to be such a good man?
All the way to Somerville, Meg sat silently in the passenger seat of Nico’s Subaru. Inwardly, she laughed as she imagined the shock on the face of women when the sexy, Latin man stepped out of such a practical car. Personally, she’d always loved that about him, the fact that his looks didn’t match his true self.
She loved that about Neil, too. The waterworks resumed.
After they’d been at the triple-decker for an hour, with few words between them outside the necessary ones, Nico couldn’t take the silence anymore. Part of being in a loud family, she knew, but it had been one thing about him that had bothered her – he’d never been good at letting her stew quietly.
He leaned against the door frame of the second floor porch and watched her while she curled into a ball on the outdoor loveseat.
“I know you’re there,” she said.
“Do you want to talk about it?”
Meg drew a deep breath and exhaled, sitting straighter. “I’m not sure that I should be talking to you about this.”
“Because I’m an accountant and not a therapist like Carlos?”
“Because you’re my ex-boyfriend and you have feelings for me.”
“Did your soldier write you a Dear Jane letter?”
Her brow furrowed. “Carlos didn’t tell you?”
Nico shook his head. “No. He just asked me to meet you at the airport and he said you might be sad about…Neil? Is that his name?”
Meg nodded, the tears instantly springing to her eyes. “So, Carlos didn’t tell you what happened to him?” she asked, wringing her hands.
Moving quickly to her side, Nico said, “Tell me, novio.”
Biting her lip, unsure if she should share this with him, she closed her eyes and took the plunge. It might be a mistake, but she had to talk to someone or it would eat away at her heart.
She started at the phone call that changed her life, and when she finished, she’d told Nico everything, right down to the tearful goodbye this morning when Aidan drove her to Reagan National. Having Aidan’s arms around her – so like his son’s – cut a fresh wound. She’d nearly had a panic attack before she boarded the plane, she’d been so distraught about leaving Neil.
The pain enveloped her again, and the weight of it had nearly crushed her, when Nico scooped her into his arms and comforted her with shushing sounds. He brushed the hair from her face, wiped her tears with his thumb and kissed her forehead. Then he looked at her, and she knew he intended to kiss her.
Scrambling back, she leaped from the loveseat, swiped at her eyes and said, “No. Don’t.”
“Meg…”
“No, Nico. I care about you and I always will, but I love Neil. I’m not cheating on him because I’m hurt.”
Nico’s eyebrows shot up. “Wow.”
“You think I’d cheat?”
“No, no I don’t. I’m sorry, Meg. I didn’t…I shouldn’t have even let the thought cross my mind. Old habits die hard.”
“Then why did you say, ‘wow’?”
“I had no idea that you really loved this guy. I always knew that you loved me, but you never said it. I assumed it was because you weren’t ready yet. But that’s not why, is it? It’s because you were never in love with me. And you’re in love with him.”
Meg nodded, trying desperately to suppress the sob determined to escape. She lost. Every time she thought she might have exhausted the tears, they assaulted her again.
Nico reached for her and though she balked for a second, she let him take her hand. “I am so, so sorry, Meg.”
“Because you tried to kiss me?”
“Because I love you and you’re in so much pain. Just because you never loved me the way you love him, it doesn’t mean I don’t hurt for you, carina.”
She shook her head. “Why do you have to be so damn good?”
He sighed. “I don’t know. I’d resent all the years of being the good guy if you’d chosen a bad boy. But he’s not that, is he?”
Meg shook her head. “He’s pretty much the opposite of a bad boy. Except the tattoos and guns.” She smiled.
“Tattoos and guns, huh?” Nico said as he pulled her to sit again.
“Well, he’s a sniper. World-class, from what I know. I’m guessing he’s been shooting a gun since childhood.” She sighed. “And his ink isn’t all over. Just a couple of meaningful, well-placed tattoos.”
“But otherwise, he’s a golden boy?”
“He’s the best man I know. Present company excluded.”
“Of course,” he said with a smile. “Will he recover his memory?”
Meg nodded. “Eventually.”
“And you’re going to wait for that to happen?”
“As long as it takes.”
He shook his head. “He’s lucky to have you.”
“And he knows it. Or he did. He’ll remember. I have to believe.”
“I wish you’d loved me that much.”
“You’ll find someone who does, Nico. You’re too good not to.”
“That’s why I’ve always loved you, Meg. Underneath that gruff exterior, you have the heart of a saint and the loyalty of a warrior.”
She squeezed his hand. “I did love you, Nico. Just not enough to say forever. Can you let go, now?”
“I’ll do my best, mi amor. No matter what, I promise I won’t try to kiss you again. And I’m here to listen if you need me.”
“Thanks.”
“Looks like I missed la fiesta,” Carlos said from the doorway.
Meg sniffed. “Nope. Right on time. I need to get good and drunk, just once. Then I’ll go back to the real world and try to pretend I’m not falling apart at the seams.”
“Couldn’t drink with Emily?” Carlos joked.
“Uh, about that. Em is pregnant.”
Carlos tried to smile. “Oh? Is this a new thing?”
She cleared her throat. “No. She’s due in a few weeks.”
Looking hurt, he said, “And you failed to tell me this, por que?”
Meg wrapped her arms around him. “Because I knew you’d take it hard, novio. She loves him. I don’t ever see that changing. You have to move on. Find yourself a good woman to love you.”
“Or a good man?” he teased.
“Whichever works.”
“Sounds like we all need to get drunk,” Nico said.
Meg replied, “Where’s the rum? I need a good mojito. Or ten.”
Carlos pulled a bottle of clear rum from behind his back and held it aloft, “Let’s get started.”
Chapter 32
Meg eased into consciousness. She’d been having such a lovely dream about fishing on a skiff off the coast of the Keys.
Blue-green water stretched for miles, the fish swimming right at the surface. Not far away, a white sand beach hugged the coast. In the heat and humidity, she wore only a white dental floss bathing suit that barely covered the essentials. The air smelled of fish, suntan lotion, sea breeze, and the best scent of all, Neil. He stood behind her while she showed him how to cast his fly rod.
Their sweaty skin, plastered together, made a slick, sexy friction as their bodies moved in the back-and-forth 1-2, 1-2 movement of the fly cast. Meg felt Neil’s impressive erection behind her, pushing into her butt as he leaned into the cast.
“It works better if I’m the one who’s behind.”
“I can’t help it. I want to wrap my arms around you. Besides, when you were pressing your boobs against my back, I got excited.”
“As if you’re not excited right now. Don’t lie; I can feel it.”
“Mmm,” he murm
ured in her ear. “I want to take you right here, right now. In the middle of the ocean.”
“Bay. It’s a bay.”
“Doesn’t matter. On the boat, out here in the water, where anyone could see us.”
“Then why don’t you?”
Neil growled. “Don’t tease me.”
“Never. Do it. Take me now.”
He set the fishing rod on the boat floor. Then he placed her hands on the boat’s steering console. Fingers swept aside the tiny string that made her suit bottoms and she felt his smooth hardness press into her folds and slide inside. Meg sighed her pleasure.
“I missed you,” he whispered in her ear as he nipped it with his teeth. Neil reached around and touched her, rubbed her in rhythmic circles, and she moaned.
Before he could show her the magic, could drive her out of her mind with the desperate cries only Neil had ever been able to elicit, the sound of Richard Marx’s Right Here Waiting wafted through the air.
“What’s that? Neil asked.
“Ignore it,” Meg replied.
“I can’t. I have to go. You have to wake up,” Neil said.
“No. Don’t go. Please don’t go.”
“I’ll be back,” he promised.
And he disappeared. She stood there, alone on the boat in the middle of the bay.
When she shook herself from sleep, she heard Right Here Waiting as it played on the clock radio in the spare room at Rob’s parents’ house. Right. Maeve’s christening.
If she’d been in the room with anyone else, Meg might have felt slightly embarrassed to find her hands inside her panties. Well. Just because the dream wasn’t real, didn’t mean the need went away.
As the climax surged through her body, Meg sighed and a tear rolled down her temple. I miss you, Neil.
Later, as the car stopped in front of the Catholic church where Emily was spotted with Rob almost 18 months ago, Meg tried hard to focus on the day and what it meant instead of the ache in her heart.
Today would have been the official day she could see Neil again if he had come home the way he should have, whole and still as in love with her as ever.
Not fair.
Neil didn’t know what he’d forgotten and his love for her lay inside him somewhere, waiting to return to the surface. She had to keep believing that. But on days like today, when the pain cut through her heart like a knife, Neil’s absence stung more.
