Awakened

by Shey Stahl

  After leaving work, I couldn’t wait to get home and see Josh after he’d been gone in Mount Vernon working for a week.

  I left the shop around four that afternoon and stopped by Fred Myer in Lacey to pick up some steaks and potatoes to grill. It was nearing the end of September, the leaves along Pacific Avenue covering the roads. The sky had the typical grayish blue tint it had when you knew a storm was about to roll through. The weather report was calling for high winds so I wanted to get everything I needed in case the power went out around the lake.

  As I drove up to the house, I was surprised to see Josh was home already, and that Jeb was there.

  Parking behind Josh’s truck, I reached forward, hit the button to turn my car off and walked around the other side of the car for the bag of groceries.

  When I made my way up to the front door, it was locked. Which surprised me because it was never locked when someone was home.

  Hmm. Maybe they’re on the boat?

  No, there was a storm coming; they couldn’t be on the boat. The sky rumbled, a growl deep within the angry gray clouds that hovered low enough a thick haze was in the air. Clouds so low, they reminded me of fog.

  The wind kicked up when I reached inside my bag for my keys, fresh air swirling around me, the kind that smelled like fall. You know, that mixture of dead grass, dirt and fallen leaves. The last stitches of summer being blown away.

  When I was inside the house, I put the steaks in the fridge and the cupcakes I made for Josh on the counter. I knew damn well if Jeb was around, they would be gone within the hour.

  As I was standing in the kitchen, I heard a noise from upstairs. Josh must have been up there.

  Slowly, I walked upstairs assuming they’d be in the movie room watching television but they weren’t.

  What surprised me was the door to the bedroom was closed.

  Unsure whether or not I should open the door, I hesitated. Technically I lived here. I shouldn’t have been afraid to open a damn door, but something deep inside me was telling me I might not want to see what was on the other side.

  A thousand thoughts went through my head, until I heard a giggle followed by a light moan of pleasure.

  What the fuck?

  I knew that giggle too. It was Addison.

  My heart pounded in my ears, my breath low and shallow, painful even.

  I didn’t want to open the door in fear of what was on the other side.

  My hands shook as I reached for the handle, thinking it would be locked.

  Only it wasn't.

  And when I slowly pushed it open, my eyes couldn't comprehend what was happening.

  I wanted to close it, immediately, back away and forget what I saw.

  “Oh, my God!” I gasped, my shaking hand raising to clasp over my mouth.

  I could hear the wind picking up outside, slapping the nearby branches outside Josh’s room against the windows. I felt like one of those trees had slapped me at the realization of what was happening.

  On the bed, Jeb was lying completely naked, with Addison on top of him, riding him, her ass spread open with her hands on each cheek.

  And there was Josh, my boyfriend, sitting twenty feet away with a video camera in his hand, nothing on but a pair of board shorts.

  What in the actual fuck is going on?

  Scrambling through every explanation I could think of, nothing about this made any sense. Jeb and Addison didn’t stop, too caught up maybe and it wasn’t the first time I saw them having sex. They did it on in plain sight at a party a few weeks back.

  The two of them having sex wasn’t what shocked me about this.

  It was that Josh was watching. And recording them.

  Josh caught my stare, a smug grin on his face as bright eyes met mine as he set the camera down.

  “What the fuck, Josh?” I blew out, my words a little louder this time, though I couldn’t hear anything over the beating of my heart.

  Josh had no reaction.

  Nothing.

  No words, no fucking reaction at all.

  With my heart pounding rapidly in my chest, thumping wildly, threatening to jump out of my chest, I stood there looking for an answer, taking in the scene before me and the way Josh stared at me, curiously, waiting to see what I would say and do.

  He motioned me forward with a nod, never moving from his place in the chair. When I didn’t move, my cautious stare sweeping from his, to Addison and Jeb, who hadn’t noticed me yet.

  Josh smiled as he ran his hand over the stubble of his defined, slack jaw, seemingly relaxed. Slouched and leaning to the left, he appeared as if I’d just come up here and nothing was going on.

  How can he just sit there? Why isn’t he explaining himself!

  I couldn’t even process my damn thoughts to speak, to demand an answer or an explanation.

  I thought the feeling that washed over me, pricking my skin, would be sadness, but it wasn’t. The pricking feeling was a rush of emotions I had never felt before. Confusion, yes, but more so, I was overwhelmed.

  I wanted to believe I could trust Josh, but then when I saw this, trust wasn’t a word I would use to associate with him now.

  I couldn’t be in here.

  I couldn’t go over to him.

  But then again, I couldn’t move.

  All I could do was stare at him, and Jeb and Addison, still fucking.

  It was then Jeb finally noticed me and winked. “Wanna join us?” he asked, taking Addison’s nipple in his mouth and sucking hard. She moaned, her head falling back, arching away from him.

  Oh, my God, this isn’t happening.

  It would have been one thing to walk in on them, but Josh too…

  Turning on my heel, I rounded the corner out of his room, slamming the door behind me. The rush, the emotions, everything had peaked and I burst into tears by the time I was at the end of the stairs. It wasn’t that I was hurt, so much as I was in shock.

  My hands trembled, my gut twisting around until it felt as though pain and fear were taking over. I still couldn’t process what I’d seen.

  Why would he have been watching them?

  Why was he holding a video camera?

  If I hadn’t walked in, was he planning on joining them?

  When I was outside on the back patio, I heard Josh’s footsteps behind me and the door open, the whoosh of air hitting me.

  “Logan?” he called out, when I began to walk away from him. I didn’t reply and I wasn’t going to.

  With some haste, he grabbed my arm before I made it to the first step down onto the lower patio.

  I stared at him, trying to process what it was I wanted to ask him.

  His eyes were sincere, his face pleading for me to talk to him.

  He looked at my lips and then my eyes before clearing his throat softly. “Say something…”

  I couldn’t. I didn’t have words.

  “Are you mad?”

  I swallowed as if I was swallowing my sadness. “Mad?”

  “Yeah.”

  “I am.” Nodding, my head pounded, aching so much I wanted to gasp in pain, tears stinging my eyes again. “I thought I knew you, Josh. And now this, you’re acting like it’s no big deal.”

  “It’s not.”

  “Oh, yes, it is.”

  “I haven’t been with anyone since you and I’ve been together.”

  “But you’re watching.”

  “So?”

  “So?” I screamed, knowing even people next door could have probably heard me.

  “Logan…” He sighed, the motion deep and controlled, his frustration peeking and then settling, rising and falling.

  “Jesus Christ, are you like a porno director or something?”

  “No.” He gave me a look, so much hidden in those eyes. “I was just videotaping them.”

  “And they couldn’t do that themselves?”

  He shrugged. “It’s not the first time I’ve done it for them. I didn’t join them.”

  “You might have, ha
d I not walked in.” Shaking my head, I wrapped my arms around my waist and squeezed, the adrenaline and chill in the air causing me to shake uncontrollably.

  “No,”—he looked down at me, his face flushed and determined—“I wanted you to see that.”

  “Why?” My tone was timid, beaten, and empty. “So I could have a heart attack?”

  How could he remain so calm about this? And normal? Like we were having a civilized conversation and I didn’t want to punch him in the dick. Because I did.

  I felt shame in some aspects. As if I couldn’t provide enough to him that he was looking for something more.

  Then I realized, in that instant, this had been his way of life even before me.

  “Were you ever going to tell me?” My words came out in a rush as I kept swallowing back the bile rising in my throat. I felt sick, utterly repulsed at what I’d seen.

  “Logan, I meant for you to find out.” His tone was deliberate, as if me thinking I caught him was absurd.

  “But you couldn’t have just told me before I moved in?”

  “How exactly would I have told you? Isn’t it better I show you? I thought you would have caught on by now.”

  My brain raced for any indication he would have given me that he enjoyed filming people having sex. Nothing came to mind. Nothing!

  “Caught on? Nope. Surprise, I was blind. I just…I can’t believe this.”

  “Why? It doesn’t change the way I feel about you. Just the way our relationship is.”

  “It changes everything, Josh!”

  I stayed quiet until I couldn’t any longer, until it burned to keep the words inside. Stepping back, I walked away, toward the dock.

  Josh chased after me. “Just fucking talk to me, please,” he begged, sounding like he was ready to drop to his knees.

  I hoped he did drop to his knees because maybe—just maybe—he would feel this pain and understand what this meant.

  “You can’t honestly think I’d be okay with this, did you?” I shouted, continuing to walk, despite my lack of visibility between the tears and rain now coming down in sheets. In the distance, to the right, I could see the dock. I was half tempted to run and jump in the water if it meant he’d leave me alone.

  My problem was, he was a good swimmer and I wasn’t.

  The wind picked up, rain slapping against my heated cheeks but I still walked, leaves and tiny branches swirling with the wind.

  “Because there are some things I need to say to you,” Josh said, like it was that easy. Like I should have given him a chance to explain.

  Had he not realized that I stumbled in on him filming Jeb and Addison having sex?

  When my toes came in contact with the softer water-logged grass near the edge of the dock, Josh had now almost reached me.

  Our heavy steps were silenced by a flash through the sky and a loud crack of thunder.

  The sound stopped me, and I looked back at him, throwing my hands in the air. Racing through thoughts, trying to wrap my mind around my own hurt, I asked, “Why?” A simple question but yet, nothing about it was simple.

  “Damn it, Logan, please.” He breathed out deeply through his frustration. “Talk to me. I know what you saw and I want to explain. Not have you run away.”

  “You explained. It was no big deal, right?” I turned to completely face him, my hand on my hip. “You can’t stand here and tell me what I saw in there was okay, that you shouldn’t have been upfront with me in the beginning, and then after I walk in on it, then get to explain yourself? It doesn’t work that way, Josh. You should have told me that before I got involved with you. And way before I moved in with you.”

  The more I yelled at him, the less I felt like I made any sense.

  “Why can’t I explain?” He sounded confused, reaching for me, his hand on my arm.

  My stomach lurched, twisting into more anger and resentment. Touching his body, even if it was just his arm, felt unfamiliar and inaccessible. I didn’t want to be touching him.

  “Oh, fuck off.” I kept moving away from him, hoping he would finally leave me alone.

  Of course he didn’t, and I was pissed to no end. “Have you been fucking Addison too?” I asked, feeling like everything I knew about him was a lie.

  We were at the end of the dock now and I had nowhere else to go.

  “No. I haven’t had sex with her since we’ve been together.”

  I gaped at him, feeling like I knew absolutely nothing about him. “But you have before?”

  “Yes.”

  Looking up at him, I had to ask, “Why didn’t you tell me in the beginning? Why?”

  His brow scrunched as he swallowed hard. “I wanted to get to know you more before I told you something that is incredibly personal to me.”

  Personal? It’s personal to him?

  The word and his reaction made me wonder if I even knew him at all.

  The information, the explanation did nothing to wane my anger.

  A wave of sadness overwhelmed me. I didn’t want to be this girl, the one crying over something like this. I wanted…well, I wasn’t sure I knew what I wanted right then.

  I knew I wanted someone to love and trust. And I thought I had found that with Josh.

  Now I couldn’t help but think I was wrong.

  “Let me get this straight…you film other people having sex?”

  “I don’t always. I was only filming them because Jeb asked. But girls that I’m intimate with…I film them having sex with other guys.”

  I can’t breathe.

  Nope.

  The air in my lungs, it was gone, rushed out in a quick gasped breath.

  He wanted…did that mean me?

  “What do you mean?”

  “Every girl I’ve been with, since college, I film having sex with me, or other men.”

  “To do what with?”

  He shrugged, as if he shouldn’t need to answer me.

  “So…you want me to have sex with other men…so you can film it?”

  “Yeah,” he said with another shrug as if this wasn’t that big of a deal.

  He isn’t serious, is he? How can he want that? Why would anyone want that?

  His words, however, were a punch to my gut. How could someone who cared about me want me to be with someone else? It went beyond everything I knew a caring relationship to be. Nausea swirled at what he was admitting. But I could also see he was concealing something under the shadows of his stare, and deep down I knew what it was. I wanted him to say it aloud. I wasn’t naïve, but the signs were there.

  I had to wonder if anyone was who they say they were.

  My mom once told me my father was a lawyer. I then discovered she had no idea who he was.

  She went through a rebel stage after divorcing from Charley and Kinsley’s dad, and wound up pregnant with me.

  I used to dream my real dad was Elvis Presley. That was until I realized it wasn’t exactly possible considering he died what, ten years before I was born?

  Anyway, you understood what I was saying, right?

  People weren’t always who they said they were.

  People had secrets.

  IT’D BEEN RAINING for hours. The slow drizzling rain that left you soaked clean through and shivering.

  I enjoyed drinking by myself. Especially when I couldn’t wrap my mind around reality.

  What I didn’t enjoy was drinking in my shop at four in the morning. What kind of business owner did that?

  Not a good one.

  Did I really catch my boyfriend filming his friends having sex?

  Another shot.

  Yep.

  Another shot.

  Am I really sitting on the floor talking to myself?

  Another shot.

  Yep to that too.

  Another shot.

  Stop drinking. It’s for the best.

  Another shot.

  I’d been in there since I left Josh’s house the previous night—just me and that bottle of Fireball I took. I hated Fireb
all, too. And cinnamon.

  “What the hell happened to you?” Stevie asked, walking into the kitchen. For one, it startled me that she was even here, at four in the morning.

  “Josh is a porno director.” I shrugged, taking another shot, and noticing the sun was rising. “Caught him filming Jeb and Allison fucking on the bed.”

  “Like your bed that you two sleep in?” Stevie reached for the bottle. “And was Josh joining them?”

  “He was filming them.” I got right in her face. “Like Jeb was pile driving Addison on my pillow.”

  “Wow, okay, not really what I expected.” She laughed, pushing my whiskey-soaked, teary face away. “What did he say to you?”

  “Just a whole bunch of shit that he was sorry that he didn’t tell me but that’s what he does.”

  “What he does?”

  “Yeah…he films people having sex and he wants me to have sex with other guys so he can watch.”

  Stevie’s eyes went wide. “Holy shit, really?”

  I reached for the bottle. “Yep.”

  I was a mess the next day at work and ended up going back to the house early, mostly because I was drunk and hadn’t really slept, since before I found out about Josh.

  I went through thousands of emotions, all of them ranging from anger, to sadness and then wanting to understand it. Part of me wanted to walk away from him. I was repulsed by the idea that he would willingly want me to have sex with other men, in front of him. It just seemed…perverted in a way. What man would want to lend out their girl for their pleasure.

  I couldn’t comprehend it.

  With a lot on my mind, I went back to Josh’s house that afternoon, unsure of what I was going to say, or even if I would stay. I had every intention last night, of moving out. But something deep inside my gut wanted more of an explanation. In ways I couldn’t explain, I felt like Josh had made me fall in love with him. Yes, made me. He was perfect, and now this.

  I just needed more of a why.