The Four Stages of Loving Dutch Owen

by Debra Kayn

  She touched her cheek, then remembered the makeup Alyssa had put on her. Lifting her chin, she looked at him through her longer, darker lashes. "I'm wearing makeup."

  "Jesus Christ," he mumbled, looking away.

  Not wanting him in a bad mood, she flung herself at him, wrapping her arms around his broad chest. "I've missed you."

  She closed her eyes, inhaling the familiar scent of leather, sunshine, and tobacco. He cupped the back of her head. Her throat closed, and she swallowed the lump of emotions only he brought out in her.

  If she ever lost him...

  She squeezed him harder, not willing to let that happen.

  "All right. Enough of that." He pushed her away. "Where's Rachel?"

  She wasn't ready for him to talk with anyone else. "Don't know."

  "Where did you see her last?"

  "In the car, when we arrived." She slipped her hand inside his and held on. "Are you staying at the house?"

  "We'll see." He frowned and shook his head. "Go wash your face."

  She followed him a few steps and bounced in front of him, making him stop. "Don't you think I look prettier with makeup? Older?"

  His mouth tightened, making his beard move. "I think you should wait to grow up."

  "I can't stop." She laughed, skipping beside him when he started walking away again. "How old are you?"

  "Old."

  "I know, but how old?"

  "Thirty-three." He reached the front of the clubhouse. "Now, go play. I need to take care of business."

  Her shoulders sagged, and she pouted, staying outside, as he went inside the clubhouse and the door shut behind him. She hung around in front, hoping he'd come right back out, but he never reappeared. Remembering Alyssa, she trudged to the side of the building and found her friend playing with the other kids.

  She stayed back. Most of the time, she'd join in.

  Looking over her shoulder, she searched for Dutch again.

  Even though she was friends with everyone, she never really belonged here.

  Everyone knew she showed up in Bellevue when she was ten years old, and suddenly Rachel and Skull were telling everyone she was their child.

  They told the school.

  They told their friends.

  They told her. All. The. Time.

  But Dutch never pretended she belonged here. He knew where she came from.

  He knew her as Marla Marie Smith.

  She wasn't Marla Richard, the way Rachel and Skull told her to write her name.

  Chapter 8

  MARLA MARIE WALKED the top of the fence line with the balance of a cat. Dutch stood in the kitchen of his sister's house, looking out the window. For once, Marla hadn't run to the door when he rode up.

  She was probably mad. She'd had her hopes up he'd sleep at the house last night.

  Instead, he decided it was better to crash a few hours in one of the clubhouse's spare rooms after drinking too much.

  And the reason for him tipping back the whiskey bottle played outside with the weight of the world on her slim shoulders.

  "How's she doing?" He took a healthy swallow off the coffee mug in his hand.

  Rachel stepped up beside him and looked out the window. He waited to hear what he already knew. Marla Marie never gave up her desire to return to Moses Lake and find her mother.

  He understood that without being told. She was a child, believing she was stolen from a life she was meant to live—even though she couldn't understand how her past life would've eventually killed her. At the least, kill her innocence.

  If the hardships hadn't physically done her in, someone else would've hurt her.

  "You know..." Rachel sighed. "She's a good girl."

  "But?"

  "She's lived with us for three years, and she still doesn't see me as her mother or Skull as her dad. I've tried to get her to understand how much we love her, but she holds back. I can't seem to break that wall she puts up."

  He looked at his sister. "She knows you love her."

  "Oh, I know she does." Rachel stared outside. "But will it be enough?"

  "What are you saying?"

  His sister turned her back to the window. "I'm going to lose her."

  "You're not going—"

  "Don't tell me I'm wrong. I'm her mom. I know what goes through her head." Rachel's shoulders straightened, and strength looked back at him. "She's lost, wandering life without direction, hoping one of the roads she walks down will lead her home."

  "She can't go home."

  "I don't think it's her..." His sister's brows pinched. "It's not Moses Lake or her real mom she's searching for anymore. She's wild and impulsive. More stubborn than kids her age. She's maturing, and something or someone is going to lead her down the wrong path."

  "She's thirteen years old." He couldn't see how Rachel couldn't change Marla Marie.

  "She's got a war going on in her head." Rachel swallowed. "She's untouchable. Another year or two, and she's going to search out boys who make her feel like she belongs. And, she'll never find what she's looking for because nothing—no amount of sex, drugs, and whatever she finds, will be enough to fill the hole that her mother left behind."

  He looked out the window. Marla Marie jumped off the fence and stood with her back toward the house, gazing at something beyond the yard.

  She was a child. There was time for Rachel to parent Marla Marie. To show her love. To accept a new way of life.

  "She's a lot like you, wandering highways, going from club to club, trying to escape—"

  "I'm not escaping anything," he said.

  "No, you're searching for something no one can give you. I don't even think you know what you want." Rachel's gaze softened, turning sad. "That girl outside is doing the same thing you've done your whole life, except to us, she's still a baby. She doesn't have a club to fall back on and keep her safe. She'll never fully trust us, no matter how much we love her—and we do."

  It was out of his control of how Rachel should deal with Marla Marie. He'd brought her here, so she would have a chance at a good life. He wanted his sister to have everything she never received growing up.

  "Anything you do for her will be better than what she had." He swallowed when his voice had gone out of him.

  Rachel leaned against him and whispered, "She'll ask you for help finding her mom."

  Taking her back was no longer an option. Her mom was no longer alive. He'd made sure her mom couldn't hurt her anymore.

  "Don't worry. I won't help her."

  The door opened and closed, and Skull walked into the kitchen. Turning away from the window, he lifted his chin at his brother-in-law.

  "Heard you tied a good one on last night." Skull chuckled. "The bitch you left at the clubhouse is still passed out."

  He ignored his brother-in-law's amusement. The woman who entertained him last night would wake up and move on to one of the other MC brothers. Besides, he couldn't even remember what happened last night.

  Rachel ducked her head and hurried out of the room. Dutch watched her go. Unlike the majority of the women in WAKOM, Rachel's heart remained intact. Her sensitivity to others was one of the reasons why he'd brought Marla Marie to her. If the kid stood any chance of growing up and having a half-decent life, she'd find it with Rachel.

  "I'm heading out." He raked his hand through his hair, tying it back.

  "Hitting the road?"

  "Not until after the meeting tomorrow." He walked with Skull to the back door. "Probably best I don't come back to the house."

  "Is there another problem with Marla?" Skull planted his hand on the door, stopping him from going to her.

  "Rachel thinks she'll never adapt."

  "Yeah, well..." Skull inhaled deeply. "My woman worries too much. Marla's happy. Anyone can see that. She respects Rachel. She does good in school."

  "Are you saying there's no problem?"

  "I'm saying my daughter has a wild hair, and there's no taming that." Skill dropped his arm to his side. "Yo
u can't change a person, no matter how much you want her to be exactly like you. Rachel wishes for the children she lost. The children she'd mapped out their whole lives for before she miscarried. She's not going to find it in Marla. She's her own person. It's not a bad thing. It also doesn’t mean something is wrong with her."

  He looked at Skull in a new light. Through the years, he never thought Skull gave much thought past the club and Rachel.

  Dutch dipped his chin. Hopefully, Rachel would accept what she has and set her sight on new plans.

  "Besides, in a few more years, one of the men will probably snap Marla up, and there won't be a damn thing Rachel can say. Marla's going to do what she wants."

  He gritted his teeth. Now, that was the Skull he knew. "She's a little girl. Keep the men away from her."

  "I plan to, and I can keep the men away from her." His gaze hardened. "But, you don't know Marla very well if you believe a threat from me will keep the men away from her. As soon as she realizes all she has to do is offer herself to them, she'll go her own way."

  A growl rumbled inside of him. He walked out of the house before he did something he'd regret.

  Marla Marie was thirteen years old. Men shouldn't even be looking at her. There were plenty of women at the clubhouse for them to entertain.

  Halfway across the yard, he caught the moment Marla Marie found out he was at the house. She rewarded him with a smile, running toward him. He caught her before she could cause him any damage.

  "You came back." She held on to him and craned her head to look at him. "I just knew you'd spend the night here. Rachel told me she bet you'd stay at the clubhouse."

  "I'm not staying here."

  Her lower lip pouted. "Why not?"

  "I have things to do."

  "But don't you want to spend more time with me?"

  "You're a kid." He motioned toward the fence and walked to the back of the yard. "You don't want to hang around me."

  "I do, too." She climbed up onto the top rail and sat down. "I always want to be with you. I want to live with you."

  "Don't talk about shit like that. I live on the road. You know that."

  She scooted up until her hip settled against his arm and looped her arm around his shoulders. "I wouldn't get in your way. I'd be quiet."

  "You don't know how to be quiet."

  "Do, too."

  He gazed at the house, feeling the warmth of her arm around him. "Yeah, I suppose you do, Marla Marie," he mumbled.

  The first time he'd met her, she'd refused to talk to him. And all he'd wanted her to do was tell him how to help her.

  Now, he had no fucking clue on how to help her. He only knew he felt better with her living with his sister and Skull.

  Hell, he felt more at peace arguing back and forth with her and standing under the sun with her slim arm around him than he had in the last three weeks riding the roads. He couldn't explain how a young girl could bring him peace, but he found himself looking forward to coming back to Bellevue when he was running between clubhouses.

  "I don't want you to leave." She laid her head on his shoulder. "Can't you stay?"

  He couldn't stay in one place too long. In the last six months, the cops had dogged him over hundreds of miles in an attempt to get him alone. He'd talked to several federal agents, been held as long as the law would allow, trying to weaken him into spilling the activities of WAKOM.

  They knew he was a patched-in member, even though he rode solo. He had no chapter watching his back most of the time, and they waited for moments to get him alone.

  But they had no idea his reasons for traveling between the chapters were more important than claiming a house and staying in one area. They had no idea the mother chapter allowed him to ride without the backing of his MC brothers surrounding him every fucking second of the day because he'd shown them loyalty in the highest form.

  "Dutch?" Marla Marie straddled the fence, leaned over, and looped her arms around his neck. "Can I ask you something?"

  "Anything." He closed his eyes, preparing himself for what he knew would come from her.

  "Can you take me back to Moses Lake and help me find my mom?"

  "No."

  "But why?"

  He unclasped her hands and stepped away from her. "It's not time. I want you to stay here."

  She jumped off the fence and followed him across the yard. "That's not fair. I want to go home."

  "This is your home."

  "Stop lying." She grabbed his arm and stopped him. "You know I have a mom and a home in Moses Lake."

  Having grown angry faster than usual, she shook her head to emphasize her point. He stepped away. She grabbed him. He shook off her hand. She pulled on the back of his vest, dragging her feet.

  He walked several yards, pulling her with him until he'd reached the end of his patience with her. Grabbing her wrists, he flung her away.

  Marla Marie's arms stiffened at her side as she balled her hands into fists. "I hate you."

  He walked to the back gate at the side of the house. She would never get her wish of returning to her mom.

  Right now, she was safe. There was no way she could leave Bellevue without someone from WAKOM stopping her. She was too young to take the train by herself. Too young to legally drive. Too young to convince someone else to help her.

  Deep down, she understood her situation. She never shared how she came to live with Rachel and Skull to her teachers or other kids. He had to trust that somewhere in the back of her mind, the fear of returning to a shed, living on her own, was enough to buy her silence.

  He unlatched the gate and closed it behind him to Marla Marie, calling him every bad name she could think up in the spur of the moment. She'd learned a few words since the last time she threw a fit when he told her no.

  He got on his motorcycle and started the engine, drowning out the desperate cries of someone who depended on him.

  Right now, he could ride away.

  In a few years, it wouldn't be as simple.

  She'd know how to drive. She'd use her sexuality to get someone to take her. She'd end up hurt.

  He was running out of time.

  She needed to settle for life in Bellevue with Rachel and Skull.

  He shifted and sped through the stop sign without stopping. Everything he asked of her, he couldn't even do for himself.

  Halfway to the clubhouse, Dutch changed his mind. He turned around in the road and headed back to his sister's house.

  He'd spend one night at the house. Only one.

  Somehow, he'd find a way to calm Marla Marie down and buy himself more time.

  Though he acknowledged his decision to spend the night wasn't only for Marla Marie.

  But his sister was wrong. He wasn't wandering lost, looking for anything or anyone.

  Chapter 9

  MARLA SLIPPED DUTCH'S wallet out of his discarded jeans. Standing still, she held her breath, afraid he'd wake up.

  After several seconds of only her heartbeat filling the room, she tiptoed away from the bed and scurried to her bedroom across the hallway.

  Closing the door without letting the latch click, she turned on the light and jumped up on the bed. Thankfully, Skull and Dutch had fallen asleep soon after they stopped drinking, and Rachel had gone to bed early because she had to work at the laundromat in a few hours.

  She opened the wallet. A picture of Dutch stared back at her, and she held his driver's license closer. The plastic pouch covering the card was dirty and scratchy, blurring all the details.

  Slipping the card out, she dropped the wallet and read.

  Jack Owen

  Nobody called him Jack. Everyone called him Dutch.

  5155 NE 124th

  Bellevue Washington

  That was Rachel and Skull's address, but Dutch didn't live here.

  Six feet three inches. Two hundred and twenty-five pounds.

  She bit her lip. He weighed a lot.

  She only weighed seventy-nine pounds. Though, Alyssa weigh
ed one hundred and two pounds. She thought Alyssa was the perfect height and weight. Everyone seemed to think Marla was too short and skinny.

  Turning the card over, she looked for more information. He had to have something that would tell her where to find her mom.

  It was hard to remember how long her mom usually stayed away. Long enough Marla had worried about her returning, and short enough, she always came back.

  Three years was too long. By now, her mom would probably be worrying about her. She might even forget about her, or think she wasn't coming back. She was only a little kid when Dutch took her away.

  This year, Rachel and Skull allowed her to come to the house after school when nobody was home. Before that, one of the women from the club was allowed to pick her up at school. They usually took her to the clubhouse until Rachel or Skull showed up to take her back home.

  She pulled out the money he had in the wallet. It was more than she'd ever seen in her life. There had to be over a hundred dollars going by how many twenty dollars were in the stack. She set the cash aside and pulled out a piece of folded paper.

  There were numbers on the paper like a phone number. Her mom never had a phone.

  Looking in another slot, she pulled out a square packet. She read the front. Magnum large-sized condom. Lubricated.

  She fingered the ring inside the package. Amber had shown her and Alyssa a condom and told them boys put it on their penis for safe sex.

  Her face warmed, and she put the condom back, looking through every slot in the wallet to make sure she hadn't missed anything. There was nothing else inside.

  Disappointed, she put everything back the way she'd found it and walked to the door. Listening for any sound, she carefully left the room and tiptoed across the hallway.

  Dutch snored softly. Her eyes, unused to the dark, made her blind to the room. She shuffled her feet until she believed she was on the other side, then reached out, feeling for the chair.

  A hand grabbed her shoulder. "What are you doing?"

  Dutch's gravelly voice held anger toward her. She dropped the wallet and turned. "I can't sleep," she lied.

  "Go to bed and stop snooping around, and maybe you'll fall asleep." He turned her toward the door and gave her a push.