Happy Birthday, Bad Kitty
Page 1
• CONTENTS •
CHAPTER ONE
GOOD MORNING, KITTY! .................. 3
CHAPTER TWO
KITTY’S FIRST YEAR ........................ 19
CHAPTER THREE
EVERY PARTY NEEDS DECORATIONS . 33
CHAPTER FOUR
EVERY PARTY NEEDS GUESTS ........... 57
CHAPTER FIVE
WHO STOLE KITTY’S PRESENTS? ........ 83
CHAPTER SIX
EVERY PARTY NEEDS A PIÑATA ..... 101
CHAPTER SEVEN
EVERY PARTY NEEDS CAKE ............ 115
CHAPTER EIGHT
THE PARTY’S OVER ...................... 137
CHAPTER NINE
GOOD NIGHT, KITTY .................... 147
APPENDIX ................................. 158
•CHAPTER ONE•
GOOD MORNING,
KITTY!
GOOD MORNING, KITTY!
Today is going to be a great day! The sun is shining! The birds are singing! Flowers are blooming every- where with all the colors of the rainbow!
You know what today is, don’t you, Kitty? Today is a very special day! Today is the kind of day that only comes once a year! Today is the kind of day that you celebrate ALL day long! Today is the kind of day that deserves a BIG, FUN PARTY!
Now, do you know what today is?
TODAY IS YOUR
BIRTHDAY!!!
And that means we start your very special day with a
very special BIRTHDAY BREAKFAST!
We made all of your favorites . . .
Aardvark Bagels, Clam
Doughnuts, Eel Fritters,
Grilled Hummingbirds,
Iguana Jelly, Koala
Lemonade, Mongoose and
Nuts, Orangutan Pancakes,
Quetzal Raisin bread, Snake
Tortillas, Unicorn and
Vegetable juice, Walrus in
XO sauce, and for dessert a
Yak Zabaglione!
Oh, come on, Kitty! You’re not going to sleep all day again, are you? All you did yesterday was sleep. All you did the day before yesterday was sleep. And all you did the day before the day before yesterday was sleep.
Are you going to do nothing but sleep every single
day?
The typical house cat will sleep an average of sixteen hours a day. That’s more than TWICE what the average human being sleeps.
One reason cats sleep so much is because they’re CREPUSCULAR, which means that they are most active at dawn and at dusk, when the sun is rising and when the sun is setting. Those are the times cats are used to hunting for their food.
WHY DO CATS SLEEP
SO MUCH?
I DUNNO.
MAYBE
THEY’RE
TIRED
Cats are also very light sleepers. Even when they might look like they’re sound asleep, all of their senses are still very active. For instance, you can see their ears wiggle and turn while they’re sleeping. This way, cats can remain aware of their surroundings even while they sleep and can wake up very quickly if they need to.
Some big cats, like lions, will eat so much after a successful hunt that they will sleep for two
straight days afterward. Often it is only the female lions that do the hunting while the male lions do most of the sleeping.
HEY! I LIKE THAT IDEA!
YO, JEANNIE!
GO GET ME A SANDWICH
AT THE DELI WHILE
I TAKE A NAP!
Okay, Kitty. I get it. You’re just going to sleep all day again. I guess I’ll just decorate the house all by myself. I guess I’ll just blow up the balloons all by myself. I guess I’ll just let all the guests in all by myself.
I guess I’ll just EAT THE CAKE and OPEN THE
PRESENTS all by myself.
Wow. Cats really can
wake up quickly.
•CHAPTER TWO•
KITTY’S FIRST
YEAR
Before we do anything else, Kitty, it’s time for our favorite birthday tradition. It’s time to look through the old photo album and remember all of those wonderful days from long ago.
LOOK, KITTY! Here’s a picture of you back in the
animal shelter where we found you.
Awww! You were SOOOOOOooooo cute!
You were the sweetest, kindest, nicest kitten in the
whole shelter. And you were helpful, too!
You used to help keep all of the cages clean. You liked to read to all the other kittens. And you ALWAYS shared your food.
LOOK, KITTY! Here are pictures of your mother!
You and Mama Kitty were very close.
The day eventually came when it was time for you to leave the shelter. That’s when you came home to live with us.
But you didn’t want to go. You didn’t want to leave
Mama Kitty, even though you were old enough.
Cats mature much faster than human beings. The typical house cat reaches adulthood when it is only twelve to eighteen months old. Human beings can barely walk at that age!
So when a cat is only twelve weeks old, it is probably old enough to leave its mother and go to a new home. Twelve weeks might seem very young to you and me, but to a cat it is perfectly normal.
WHEN ARE KITTENS OLD
ENOUGH TO LEAVE THEIR
MOTHERS?
AW,
HECK,
JEANNIE!
I WAS
ONLY
KIDDING
ABOUT
THE
SANDWICH!
It is very important not to remove a kitten from its
mother before it is twelve weeks old.
Kittens learn a lot of important things from their mothers before they’re adopted.
They learn how to use the litter box properly.
They learn how to eat solid food.
If you remove a kitten from its mother too early, the kitten might have a more difficult time learning these important lessons from you.
KITTENS … TWELVE WEEKS …
LITTER BOX … GOT IT!
LOOK, I GOTTA RUN OUT AND
BUY SOME FLOWERS!
We loved you right away, even though you were sometimes pretty … uh … grumpy.
Away from your mother, you weren’t the same
helpful little kitten that we first met.
But we still love you.
Although, you don’t always make it easy.
•CHAPTER THREE•
EVERY PARTY NEEDS
DECORATIONS
Okay, Kitty … Let’s get started.
The first thing we do is pull out the box of decorations
we use every year.
Why don’t you help me blow up some balloons.
That’s not helping, Kitty.
Okay. Why don’t you help me hang
some streamers.
That’s not helping, Kitty.
Okay, Kitty … Why don’t you help me put this incredibly delicate and valuable glass birthday vase that’s been in my family for a dozen generations onto the mantel.
On second thought, maybe I’ll just
leave this in the box.
All right, Kitty … Since you don’t want to help me blow up balloons or hang streamers, will you at least help me to set up the table for all the PRESENTS you’re going to get?
That’s right, Kitty. All I need you to do is help me spread the special birthday party tablecloth onto the table.
Thank you, Kitty. Now you’re being helpful.
Gosh! The table looks so festive. Except … I think it’s missing one little thing, Kitty. What do you think that one little thing is, Kitty?
; It’s missing PRESENTS, of course!
So, I’m going to put one there right now. It’s a BIG surprise, Kitty. And I know it’s something you REALLY
want, Kitty … that you really, REALLY, REALLY want.
But you have to promise me that you won’t open it until the party.
Remember, Kitty … You promised not to open the present yet. YOU PROMISED.
Where are you going, Kitty? The guests will be here any minute now!
All cats like to scratch things. They’ll scratch soft things like chairs or sofas.
They’ll scratch hard things like table legs or dressers.
They’ll scratch fuzzy things like rugs or carpets.
Cats will scratch just about anything.
WHY DO CATS LIKE TO
SCRATCH THINGS?
HEY,
JEANNIE!
I BRUNG
YA SOME
PRETTY
DAISIES!
Sometimes they’ll do it for fun or exercise. But they’ll also scratch things because their claws are like our fingernails—they never stop growing. But unlike our fingernails, a cat’s claws grows in layers. So cats will sometimes scratch something to rub off an old layer for a newer, fresher, sharper claw layer.
The scratch marks they
leave behind are also
very important for
cats— they mark a
cat’s territory. Those
scratches are terri-
tory markers for
other cats to both
see AND smell.
Inside a cat’s paw
pads are little
scent glands that
leave little odors on
anything they scratch.
They act like messages
for other cats to read.
I FORGOT
THAT
JEANNIE
IS
ALLERGIC
TO
FLOWERS!
The guests are here, Kitty! Let’s meet them at the door.
•CHAPTER FOUR•
EVERY PARTY NEEDS
GUESTS
IT’S BIG KITTY!
Big Kitty is the biggest kitty in the whole neighborhood!
Big Kitty is MUCH bigger than Kitty.
Big Kitty weighs
MUCH more
than Kitty.
EVERYTHING about
Big Kitty is bigger.
Even his hair balls
are pretty darn big.
I sure hope we have
enough birthday cake!
Even Big Kitty’s present is BIG! Wow! I wonder what it could be!
Kitty, why don’t you open your presents later when … Never mind.
Look, Kitty! It’s a … dead mouse.
I guess it wasn’t dead after all.
IT’S THE TWIN
KITTIES!
The Twin Kitties are brother and sister and the cutest kitties in the whole neighborhood.
More than any- thing, they love to PLAY. And
they love to play with Kitty!
On those rare occasions when Kitty is not in the mood to play with them …
… they play with Puppy!
Look, Kitty! They brought you not ONE but TWO presents! I wonder what’s in them.
Look, Kitty! It’s a ball of string and a ball of twine. How thoughtful.
I’ll just put them on the present table where they’ll be safe.
IT’S STINKY KITTY!
Stinky Kitty is the—cough —stinkiest kitty in the whole—choke—neighborhood.
He never
brushes his
teeth.
He’s always
getting dirty.
He likes to
sleep in his
litter box.
But Stinky Kitty did—cough—bring you a very nice- looking present. I wonder what it—hack—is!
Look, Kitty! It’s an … old cardboard paper towel tube.
Oh well, Kitty. It’s the thought that counts. Let’s put it on the presents table where it will be safe.
IT’S CHATTY KITTY!
*A funny thing happened to me on the way to the party. I saw a stick that was shaped just like a chicken bone only it didn’t smell like a chicken bone at all. Mostly, it smelled like a stick. I find that sticks almost never smell like chicken bones unless you were to rub the stick with a chicken bone, but why would you do that?
*Why do you suppose oranges are called “oranges?” Do you think it’s because they are colored orange, or is the color orange called “orange” because it’s the color of oranges? I wonder why all fruits aren’t named after their colors. Grapes could be called “purples” and a bunch of grapes could be called a “bunch of purples,” unless they’re white grapes, which really aren’t white at all but more of a pale green. But you’d still have to be careful because if you asked for a “bunch of purples,” someone might give you a big pile of eggplants, which would just be silly, because cats don’t eat eggplants. Or grapes. Or oranges either.
Never mind.
Chatty Kitty has brought you such a nice-looking present. Why don’t you open it right now! (Do you think I could borrow some of that paper to put in my ears?)
*A moth got into the house the other day, only I wasn’t sure if it was a moth or a butterfly because it was big like a butterfly but brown and gray like a moth, and I tried to catch it but it flew too high for me, which is good because some butterflies are poisonous if you eat them, which is gross, but sometimes I can’t help myself. It didn’t matter, though, because it turned out to be just a feather anyway.
Look, Kitty! It’s … a collection of old mothballs she found in the closet.
*They also ward off butterflies. Don’t eat
them!
I guess kitties aren’t the best gift givers. Oh, well. Let’s put them on the table where they’ll be safe.
IT’S PRETTY KITTY!
Pretty Kitty is the prettiest kitty in the whole neighborhood.
And she
knows it.
She’s won
over a dozen
cat shows.
All of the boy
kitties are madly
in love with her.
Even the present that Pretty Kitty brought is pretty. It’s almost too pretty to …
Look, Kitty! It’s some tufts of Pretty Kitty’s pretty fur.
Oh, Kitty. Don’t be like that. It’s such pretty fur. That fur has won prizes at cat shows. I’ll put it on the present table where it will be safe.
IT’S STRANGE KITTY!
Strange Kitty is the oddest kitty in the whole neighborhood … maybe even the whole world. In fact, some people aren’t convinced he really is a kitty.
Unlike all of
the other
kitties, he has
no fur.
Unlike all of the other kitties,
he wears a hat and necktie.
Unlike all of the other
kitties, he would rather
sit and read comic
books by himself than
scratch things or chase
mice or sleep all day.