Happy Birthday, Bad Kitty
Page 2
Look, Kitty!
I think Strange
Kitty brought
you a
present, too!
He brought
you a comic
book! Isn’t that
nice? Say
“Thank you!”
That’s not how we say
“Thank you,” Kitty.
It’s a very thoughtful
gift. I’ll put it on the
present table where
it will be safe.
HEY! Where
are all of the
other presents
I put there?
Where is the
comic book
Strange Kitty
just gave
you?
Kitty, did YOU
do something
with all of the
presents?
No?
Well, if you didn’t do something with all of your presents, then …
•CHAPTER FIVE•
WHO STOLE KITTY’S
PRESENTS?
Kitty is certain that another kitty must have stolen all of her presents. After all, who but another kitty would even WANT a cardboard paper towel tube, a ball of string, a ball of twine, a collection of old mothballs, some tufts of cat fur, and an old comic book?
But Kitty thinks there is only one kitty—ONE kitty who could be capable of such a diabolical plot—only ONE kitty could pull off such a hideous crime—only ONE kitty who would rejoice in ruining a perfectly good birthday party by STEALING all of the birthday presents. AND THAT KITTY IS …
BIG KITTY
HEIGHT: Very, very tall.
WEIGHT: Weighs about the same as a large cinder
block.
LAST SEEN: Eating ten pounds of sausages.
Only Big Kitty is big and
strong enough to carry all
of those presents home!
That’s where he will play
with them all by himself
while laughing—
LAUGHING—at Kitty.
But Big Kitty doesn’t have the presents! So the guilty kitty must be …
THE TWIN KITTIES
EYES: Like four cute little yellow gumdrops.
NOSES: Like a pair of cute little red buttons.
LAST SEEN: Doing just the cutest little things. I
swear, your heart would have just melted if you’d
seen it. They are just so darling!
It would have been easy for one
of them to stand guard while
the other one stole all of
the presents!
They will add the presents to
their own massive collection of
toys from which they will build a
mountain so that they can look
down at Kitty and laugh—
LAUGH!
But the Twin
Kitties don’t have
the presents!
So the guilty
kitty must
be …
STINKY KITTY
EYES: No one—cough—dares get close
enough to find out.
FUR: Dark gray. But might really be white.
LAST SEEN: Rummaging through the—hack—
dumpster behind the fish market.
Stinky Kitty probably
used his horrendous
odor to distract
everyone while
he stole the
presents!
Then he’ll bury them in
his litter box where no
one would ever look
and survive to tell the
story. And then he will
laugh—LAUGH!
But Stinky Kitty
doesn’t have the
presents!
So the guilty
kitty must
be …
CHATTY KITTY
EYES: What?
FUR: Huh? What? Say that again.
FUR: How’s that?
LAST SEEN: Sorry. I just can’t hear you.
*Maybe all of your presents rolled under the sofa. That happens to me all the time. Once I found a crumpled-up piece of paper and was playing with it until it rolled under the sofa. I waited for a while, but it didn’t come back out until one day someone moved the sofa to clean under it and there was the paper, so I played
Never mind.
Chatty Kitty doesn’t
have the presents!
So the guilty kitty must be …
with it some more until it rolled under a set of drawers. I waited for a while, but it didn’t come back out until one day someone moved them to clean in back, and there was the paper, so I played with it until it rolled under the sofa again. I waited for a while, but it didn’t come back out until …
PRETTY KITTY
EYES: Like a pair of deep blue lakes at dawn’s light.
FUR: Like a field of freshly fallen snow on a crisp
winter’s day.
LAST SEEN: Winning first prize at a DOG show—
she is THAT pretty.
It must have been Pretty
Kitty. Because she’s
jealous.
She was
probably jealous
because none of
the presents
were for her.
So she’s going
to make all of
the boy kitties carry the
presents back to her place.
And then she will laugh—
LAUGH—LAUGH!
But Pretty Kitty doesn’t have the presents!
So the guilty kitty must be …
STRANGE KITTY
FUR: None.
HAT: Black.
LAST SEEN: At a comic-book convention debating
about which underwater superhero was most powerful:
Captain Poseidon or Mudskipper Lass.
Strange Kitty is
a big weirdo.
Not only is
he the only
kitty left, he’s
DIFFERENT.
He must be
the guilty kitty!
He probably took all of the
presents and hid them under
his hat. He probably has all
of the stolen presents under
his hat RIGHT NOW!
Strange Kitty is such an
oddball. He’s always
pretending to be
something he’s not …
… like a superhero.
… or a swash-
buckling pirate.
… or a brave
dragon slayer.
… or a famous
Broadway dancer.
He is such a
strange kitty.
Well, if Strange Kitty didn’t take the presents, then who did? This is quite a mystery.
Puppy? Is that a piece of string caught on your
ear? Is that a tuft of Pretty Kitty’s fur stuck on your
forehead? Is that an old mothball sticking out from
between your toes?
Uh-oh.
•CHAPTER SIX•
EVERY PARTY NEEDS
A PIÑATA
RUN, PUPPY, RUN!
They think you stole Kitty’s presents!
(Did you?)
KITTIES! KITTIES! PLEASE!
I’m sure Puppy has a very good
explanation.
(Don’t you?)
OH NO!
Puppy is all tangled up in electrical cords
and speaker wires!
EGADS!
What do you naughty kitties think you’re
doing with Puppy?
JUMPIN’ JEHOSHAPHAT!
The kitties want to use Puppy
as a piñata!
NO, KITTIES, NO!
Puppy does not have candy inside of him!
I swear!
Something must be done or
Puppy co
uld get hurt. But
what can we do?
WAIT! I know …
What three words can
bring peace to all nations?
What three words can
create order out of chaos?
What three words can
soothe the savage
instincts of a bunch
of kitties that have
lost all control?
WHO WANTS CAKE?!
•CHAPTER SEVEN•
EVERY PARTY NEEDS
CAKE
That’s right, Kitties. Because this is a very
special birthday, we have a very special birthday
cake. It’s made out of all of your favorite foods!
THE TWIN
KITTIES
LOVE
CHICKEN
LEGS
CHATTY KITTY
LOVES PORK CHOPS
PRETTY KITTY
LOVES CAVIAR
BIG KITTY
LOVES
SARDINES
STINKY
KITTY
LOVES
LIMBURGER
CHEESE
SUPERHERO
TRADING CARDS
FOR STRANGE
KITTY
And the icing is made out of
Kitty’s very favorite food!
Liver!
What’s wrong, Kitty? Don’t
you like your cake?
Kitty, are you upset because
it’s not a CHOCOLATE
cake? I know you
wanted a chocolate
cake, but I already
explained to you why
you can NEVER have
a chocolate cake.
Sorry.
WHY IS CHOCOLATE
BAD FOR CATS?
If you offer a cat some chocolate,
she’ll probably eat it. If you offer a cat
some chocolate cake, she’ll probably eat it.
But chocolate is like POISON to cats! So never offer it to them!
CHOCOLATE!
GOOD
IDEA!
Chocolate contains a chemical compound called THEOBROMINE that is harmless to human beings but very dangerous for cats.
If a cat eats chocolate, she can become very sick and, yes, maybe even die.
So it’s very important
that you never leave
chocolate lying around
that a cat might eat by
accident.
And the same goes for dogs and most birds. It’s very important to keep chocolate away from all of your pets at home.
BUT IT’S OKAY TO
GIVE IT TO YOUR
AUNT JEANNIE! SHE
LOVES CHOCOLATE!
Uh-oh. Kitty is starting to lose her temper. We better do something FAST.
Kitty! Don’t tell me you’ve
forgotten about the BIG
PRESENT I gave you
this morning! Don’t
you want to open
it now?!
I know this is something you’ve been wanting for a very long time! Well, your wait is finally over,
because you now have your
very own …
BIG WINTER SWEATER!
And it looks just adorable on you.
Oh no! The sweater didn’t work! I don’t understand why! And I think Kitty is about to lose it if we don’t do something right away.
WAIT! I almost forgot!
Look, Kitty! I almost forgot
to give you one last present.
It’s even better than a big
winter sweater! It’s …
A MATCHING HAT AND BOOTIES!
Don’t you just love them, Kitty? And they fit you per-
fectly! The nice lady at the cat sweater store told me
they don’t make this pattern anymore. No other kitty
in the whole world owns this
sweater and this hat and
these booties.
Aren’t you
LUCKY?!
Now, wait here while I go get the camera. This will make a great Christmas card. Then everyone we know will see just how very, very cute you look!
Kitty?
Are you okay, Kitty?
Uh-oh.
RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!
Kitty’s having a major
freak-out!
*MEOW! MEOW! MEOW!
We woke her up when all she wanted was to sleep!
She didn’t get the gifts she wanted!
And most of the gifts she did get
are still missing!
She
didn’t
like the
balloons
or the
decorations!
She didn’t get to hit the piñata!
She didn’t
even get the
cake she
wanted!
Head for the door, kitties! And
don’t stop until you’re safe
at home!
Thanks for coming, kitties. I hope you
had a good time. See you next year!
•CHAPTER EIGHT•
THE PARTY’S OVER
Well, Kitty … I hope you’re happy.
The decorations are ruined. The cake is ruined. Your new sweater is ruined. And all of your party guests have fled the house, running for their lives.
Just like last year. And the year before that. And the year before that. *Sigh*
You know what, Kitty? Sometimes … just sometimes … you are a truly BAD KITTY.
Oh, hush, Kitty. It’s probably just one of
the other kitties coming back because
she forgot something.
Or maybe not.
Maybe it’s a nice
surprise for you.
Why don’t you open
the door to find out.
Well, Kitty. I guess you got what you wanted for your birthday after all.
•CHAPTER NINE•
GOOD NIGHT, KITTY
Good-bye, Mama Kitty. It was good seeing you again.
Maybe Kitty and I will go visit YOU someday.
What a fun day this has been, Kitty. Wasn’t it great to see Mama Kitty again? Weren’t all of those balloons and streamers just lovely before you destroyed, demolished, decimated, and shredded them all? Wasn’t it great to see all of your friends again, even though you did chase them out of the house when you went berserk? Wasn’t that a beautiful cake you sprayed on the walls?
Well, the day’s not over yet, Kitty! There’s one more surprise left for you on your birthday! Puppy worked very hard to make something extra special for you.
Look, Kitty! It’s …
Good night, Kitty.
• APPENDIX •
What Was That Kitty’s Breed?
Even though all domestic cats, or house cats, are the same species, different characteristics like behavior and appearance separate one type of cat from another. Each of the kitties that came to the birthday party represented a different breed of cat.
Big Kitty is a Maine coon cat, one of the largest cat breeds. The males can weigh as much as eighteen pounds. They derived their name Coon cats because their long hair and bushy, striped tails make them resemble raccoons. Some people think the first Maine coon