Our Muted Recklessness (Muted Hopelessness Book 2)

by Love Belvin

  When he pulled me up by the hips, I knew what time it was and wrapped my legs around his waist. I circled my arms around him, my tits pushing into his chest and shoulders. We were here again. Ashton said something mean and I was trembling with need for him, like a needy puppy. A big part of me didn’t care. He couldn’t break me or make me feel shame for understanding he still wanted me this way after telling him all of my ugliness. The darkness.

  The water didn’t feel as cool when my feet hit it, then my legs and ass. He sat down on the steps with me on his lap. My bikini top was off without warning, then his mouth was on my titties, pulling them together in his hands.

  “You’re built with perfection,” he whispered in between licks. “You’re such a fuckin’ baddie.” Ashton sounded like he was in pain, like he did during sex.

  My back arched helplessly, breasts going into his greedy sucks. The sensation was too much, making my head fall over his, my fingers digging into the skin over his hard, round muscles.

  “Nabby-girl?” he croaked.

  “Hmmmm?”

  “I wanna hear you.” His head lifted, forcing me to face him. “Don’t just let me have your body ever again. Give it to me.” When I didn’t respond because I didn’t know how to, he understood. “Be comfortable enough with me to moan when something feels good, and tell me when it doesn’t. This isn’t just for me. It’s more about you finding your voice in your sexuality…in your pleasure. I have mine. I want to hear yours.” Feeling embarrassed for having to be told that, I rubbed my lips together while our eyes locked. “Okay?”

  I nodded. “I’ll try.”

  His hands were on my face, pulling me down to his mouth. I kissed him this time without holding back. I didn’t care about being sloppy or too excited. I wanted to please Ashton. When his tongue flicked my nipples again, not only did I push into his mouth, my hips rocked over him. I bounced on my knees, rubbing on his hard dick.

  He flipped me over, lifting me on a higher step and pushing my bottoms to the side. Ashton buried his face into the throb I’d been feeling since seeing him in just shorts tonight. Kelly Price singing, “I’m not ashamed…” over us echoed what I felt. In this space with Ashton, I was bolder, fearless. Nothing scared me.

  “Lay back,” he whispered.

  I did, laying on my elbows. The glow from the candles disappeared when he pulled my legs over his shoulders and I closed my eyes. I hoped no one came and found us. At the same time, the thrill of having this beautiful secret motivated my boldness. My hips rocked into his face too easily because of the water. It made my titties bounce in the cool air, and that felt good, too. I was coming into that zone again with him when every inch of my body felt good. I pumped into that warming feeling Ashton had been giving me since Thanksgiving night in his real bed.

  His tongue moved hard and fast, and so did my orgasm. It waved through my body and burst faster before I was ready. My hips and shoulders twerked over the water, and before I was done, he turned me over so fast…smoothly, and I was on my knees. He moved my bikini bottoms over more and I felt the fatness of his head between my throbbing lips. My spine was still wobbly when he pushed into me.

  The first cry I ever made slipped from my throat. It wasn’t planned or controlled. And neither were the ones behind it when Ashton began to bang into me. This was different. It was different because he was rough right away and because I felt so sensitive down there, like I was still coming even though I wasn’t. It was a massage deep in my pussy. Finally, I understood why sex was so good when both people wanted it.

  I moaned, eyes tight, fists clenched, and spine arched. This was everything. His deep drives, the slaps into my ass and thighs, and his deepening grips on the fat of my hips. I melted into it, never wanting it to end. I didn’t give a damn who saw—but not really. I just wanted to stay in this headspace to study every sensation I felt and sound he made. It went on and on, making me reposition myself. Our bodies smacking drowned out the low music, but not Ashton’s grunts.

  And when he pumped faster and faster, he felt bigger and I could feel each one bang against my clit until he cried, “KaTor…ia!” in a hard whisper.

  Chapter Sixteen

  -THEN-

  When she pushed her dorm room door open, something fell to the floor. Tori bent down to pick it up. I pulled my hoodie back just enough to see it was a note from over her shoulder.

  “What’s it say?”

  Tori pushed the door open more. “Samantha said she won’t be in. She was supposed to help me with a chemistry question. She said she’ll meet up with me in the main cafeteria tomorrow.”

  The message quickly computed in my mind and I pulled the hood completely from over my head, relieved as shit.

  “Cool. I’m staying over.” I moved past her to a wall, ready to kick the boots off my feet. “You have an extra toothbrush?”

  Tori turned to me, my letter jacket over her damp afro head. Her eyes were wild and I knew the reaction, but ain’t give a shit. I was staying with her. Tonight, I’d sleep like a damn baby around her warm, plump ass. It had dawned on me two days ago how I was never the type who enjoyed falling asleep touching in bed. I didn’t mind sharing a bed with a chick. But with Tori, I actually got off just holding her. There was nothing uncomfortable about our positions. And even when one person changed, turning over, it was a seamless adjustment for the other to do the same in a position that would still have us touching.

  Now, learning that her roommate wouldn’t be in tonight, did Tori think I would resist the opportunity to fall asleep with her underneath me? I thought the fuck not.

  While she was in the bathroom, I asked, “You mind if I brush my teeth before you blow dry your hair?”

  After a short pause, she muttered, “Oh—okay.”

  Was I taking advantage? Yes. But I also knew the tomboy was comfortable enough with my annoying ass to tell me to fuck off, if she meant it.

  So, yup. My ass was staying.

  I felt him crawl over me to leave the bed. Last night, I made sure to give him the wall side of the bed in case Samantha decided to come in after all. At least then, I’d be the first person she saw and hopefully not a two-hundred plus pound hairy human. I rolled into the warmth of his spot, trying to chase the dream I was in.

  I was successful, too, because the next thing I knew, his lips were on my shoulder then neck, smelling like mint. Ashton shifted me until I was on my back, his big hands lifting and spreading my legs. Just like last night at the pool, he pushed my panties to the side, and now his minty mouth cooled my sex. His tongue swiped wide and deep, pushing through my lips and licking my clit.

  My body jerked at the point of contact. The seam of my mouth broke apart and I pinched my lips together, not wanting my funky ass morning breath to embarrass me. His thumbs drew circles on the back of my thighs, heavy breaths hit the bottom of my belly. At this hour, Ashton wasn’t my annoying peer, he was a hungry, grown-ass man. That should have scared me—normally would have scared the shit out of me—but Ashton had a way of making me feel like a grown-ass woman.

  When my belly began to flip, moans pushed from my nose. My hands went to his head, and even that felt good against my fingertips. Ashton’s hair was thick, strong, and silky. The ends felt like bristles on my palms, creating another sensation. My mind and body were in the same place when he made me feel good like this. This wasn’t nasty; it was being accepted for all my weird ways, I thought. It was coming across someone—a guy—who saw me for more than my body.

  I couldn’t take it anymore; the explosion was right there, and I took it. My whole body shook as I cried out as quietly as I could to not be heard by my neighbors, but as loud as I could to share with Ashton how good he made me feel.

  When I was done, he kissed me right on my clit and hopped off the bed. I noticed he’d had on his sweat suit from last night, He pulled my panties off, peeling them down my legs, then wiped his face. Then Ashton put on his boots, pulled the hood over his head, and left my room.

/>   I laid on my bed, still feeling the small quakes from my body.

  “I believe when we have issues to arise, as we see here in this merger, one can ask himself could an acquisition have been the better option…”

  The vibrating of my Blackberry broke my attention on Professor Jordan’s Strategy and Corporate Sustainability study session for the final exam.

  Nabby: suit it and boot it

  My dick twitched in a flash and began to swell at that unexpected demand.

  Fuck.

  My flight was in a few hours and she knew it. But damn… I had to find a way to make this happen.

  Me: What time?

  I beat the top of my pencil against my laptop fast and hard while waiting.

  Nabby: 2?

  My fingers tapped so fast, I couldn’t give a damn if Jordan called me out about it.

  Me: I got you.

  My attention to corporate sustainability took a major fucking nosedive.

  Humming the words to the new song, “Torn,” from one of the girls who got kicked out of Destiny’s Child, I unlocked the door to my dorm. My plan was to use the bathroom, switch books for my afternoon class, and grab clean workout clothes for training. But I saw Samantha’s head pop up as soon as I stepped inside. Right away, I could tell she was distant. There was something cold in her eyes.

  “Hey.”

  “Hey…” I went straight to my desk to dump my book bag. “What’s up?” I didn’t look at her.

  “You mind if we talk?”

  I shook my head and turned to give her my attention. “What’s up?”

  I hadn’t seen Samantha since movie night on the lawn, if you counted three days ago, on Saturday. We met in the main cafeteria about the open-ended chemistry question. That day or the day after, when I’d gotten in just in time to see her leave for work. She told me then she’d be staying with Neemah that night. But I hadn’t seen her in two days, and it wasn’t because I wasn’t here. Ashton had an away game the team left for on Sunday night. That was the day before yesterday, so I’d been here instead of at his apartment, which meant if she was here, she’d seen me. But the basketball team had been kicking ass this season, and Samantha had been at every home game, cheering Dre on.

  “You know I give you your privacy. I don’t pry or ask for details about your dating life.” She rubbed her dry bottom lip with her hand as her eyes swept the floor. But it was the crease in Samantha’s forehead that told me something was wrong. “I respect how you’re different. You’re an athlete…competitive and perhaps, that can lend itself to you being more internal and self-reliant emotionally.” Her eyes rolled up to me, but I had nothing for her. I was beasting to see where she was going with this. “But I know you’re seeing someone. I don’t know how serious you are, and it’s still none of my business if you don’t want to tell me, but—”

  “What, Samantha?”

  “Has your guy been spending the night over?” Laughter burst through my lips. If that’s what she was worried about, Samantha was wasting her stress. “Again, I don’t mean to pry. I’m just asking because we’re roommates and I don’t want to come in here and burst up your groove or anything.”

  “Nah, Samantha.” I shook my head, still finding her unnecessary worry funny. “He’s never been in here.”

  “About that. Does he have a girlfriend or something? I wouldn’t judge you. I’ll understand if that’s why no one has seen him—at least, I haven’t.”

  Still laughing and relieved this wasn’t a real issue between us, I answered, “Nah, Samantha. He doesn’t have a girlfriend.” I really liked Samantha. I didn’t want her stressed.

  “So, he hasn’t been here?”

  I shook my head. “No. He ain’t been in this building.”

  “Then why is that there?” She pointed beneath my bed.

  My head spun and tongue went sour when I saw the empty condom wrapper lying just halfway under my bed. I couldn’t stop staring at it when I tried to think of explanations. I couldn’t blame it on Samantha, because she was a virgin like me—like I was.

  “I—I…” I blinked hard. “Maybe I brought that back from his place…somehow.” I hated lying.

  Fucking. Hated. It.

  By the way Samantha’s eyes fell to the side, toward the floor, I could tell she didn’t believe me and this was super awkward. “Okay,” she chirped like a child. “But Tori, why is his letter jacket here?” She pointed again, toward me this time.

  Right by my thigh was Ashton’s Panthers jacket. The same one I’d worn back from the pool four nights ago. The condom happened Sunday afternoon before he left for his away game. He must’ve dropped the wrapper and forgot to clean it up afterward. But the jacket was a completely different occasion.

  Same shit, though…

  My stomach turned over and I couldn’t stop blinking when I shared, “He let me borrow it last week when I’d gotten my hair wet at the gym. It was…” I swallowed nervously. “…freezing out and I needed to cover my head.” My heart thundered at that mostly true story. “You probably haven’t noticed it because…you’ve been so busy.”

  “I saw it Saturday night.” Her mouth twisted as she couldn’t look me in the face again. “Tori?”

  “Hmmm?”

  “You can tell me anything. I’m the most non-judgmental person on this campus. I told you what his crew did to me. There’s no way I can push my nose in the air at anyone who’s had the hell they’ve thrown to folks.”

  I could see her whole body trembling on her bed. Samantha wanted me to confirm what she’d already put together in her mind. No matter how right she was and the “out” she was giving me, I couldn’t. I couldn’t tell someone as cool and innocent and pure as Samantha I’d been messing around with Aivery’s boyfriend. She’d never understand. To her, I would be my mother.

  I was not my mother.

  “I know.” I told her with a straight face and gentle tone.

  Samantha hopped off her bed, grabbed her book bag, and headed for the door. “See you later. I may be out a little late today. I’m going to the basketball game.”

  My stomach turned over when the door slammed closed.

  I didn’t realize how cold I was until mucous ran from my nose. Shit… I wiped it with my sleeve and sniffled deeply. My ankles and knees bounced as I watched every move Ashton made on the mostly empty field under the bright stadium lights. He was practicing his throws with three different people, all adults, receiving the ball. There were about five off the field, taking notes or coaching him some kind of way.

  One of them was Coach Green, but he spoke the least. The ball was being given to Ashton, all for him to run backward a few steps, pivot, and throw it to one of the guys running down the field. It was the same technique over and over, with just a little switch up with Ashton’s posture. He wore a baseball cap, sweatshirt, tights, and shorts with his sneakers. It wasn’t Panthers gear, but I could see the sweat covering his neck, and every few minutes, he’d use the hand towel from his waist to wipe his face.

  His dedication and patience with the same throw was inspiring. I hated repetition when training. But Ashton… Even though he looked small from where I sat in the bleachers, his sequence was larger than life. His back was wide, strong. Arms were long and lightning fast, his long legs quick and coordinated. His play…this play as a quarterback, seemed built into his powerful physique. The League would never pass on this type of dedication.

  Four noiseless leaps back, two to the side, and a long throw.

  That was pretty much the play. And I watched under the dark sky until a whistle was blown to quit for the night. I stood and dropped down the steps until I was on the field. I didn’t go out too far, just enough for him to notice me. He did when one of the white guys stopped in his tracks recognizing me. I didn’t know who was more weirded out at discovering the other person: me or him. In these short months, I’d gotten used to seeing only one white face on this campus, and that was Collin. I’d heard there were a handful at BSU, but
hadn’t seen them. Tonight, there were four out here in the stadium. So this guy reacting to my presence was a unicorn to me.

  Ashton saw me and gave a nod, acknowledging me and motioning to give him time to wrap his business up. I did. Waiting patiently, I watched how they all spoke to Ashton, and he was given time to respond to each. When they were done, Ashton seemed like their equal the way he dapped it up with them to end their time together. This was ‘grown-ass man’ Ashton at play. I could never get used to seeing him in action. The strangers walked off, and Coach Green and a trainer I’d seen around the athletic complex had final words with Ashton. Eventually, they dismissed him, too.

  Ashton started his walk toward the tunnel, wiping his head down, eyes tight. But not before he tossed his head, telling me to follow him. I did without hesitation because the football squad never restricted me from their area. I now understood it was because I was a Panther, too. The fact that I was a “tomboy” didn’t hurt either, I was sure. They probably never suspected Ashton would look twice at me sexually, let alone put his dick in me.

  Quietly, I followed him down the tunnel with my head hung low, into countless hallways, then eventually into the locker room. I didn’t speak when he grabbed changing clothes, body wash, and deodorant from his locker. He was tired. They’d just played an away game yesterday, flew back to BSU last night, and he’d just had another football obligation. Dude had to be bushed. My issues could wait. When I was done fighting, I needed quiet after all the feedback from my corner. So I would respect his preference for silence, too.

  When he closed the door, he tossed his head for me to follow him again. Was he going to the showers? Did I want to go there, too? But Ashton left out of the locker room for the dim, quieted hall again.