Our Muted Recklessness (Muted Hopelessness Book 2)

by Love Belvin

  Those were the words of Professor Jennifer Bingham just before class ended. It was the end of the semester and, therefore, the last full lecture day for the Start to BSU Life class. Next week, our final paper was due. It had to be on the experience of our first semester here. We’d started two weeks ago, and I hated it. I preferred papers that didn’t allow for so much of our opinions. I wanted to be told exactly what to write, like in high school. Ashton told me Blakewood was shaping the minds of its students, and giving us a voice to develop and express our opinions did that. When I told him I didn’t have many opinions that were appropriate for papers, he said I would have lots by the time I graduated here.

  Still hate it…

  “Hey, you struggling with the paper?” The girl’s turning into me forced me to stop just at the stairway.

  “Monicaaaaa!” Some guy with tight curls dyed blond sang to the girl from down the hall. You could see the hearts shooting out of his eyes for her.

  “Oh, hey, Hershel.” Her voice was less expressive. She turned back to me quickly. “It’s kicking my ass. And having to study for my finals on top of that is choking me. You, too?”

  I shrugged. “I haven’t started the paper yet.”

  Her eyes went wild. “You haven’t even started?” I shook my head. “We can exchange numbers and get together to study. I, at least, have an outline. Maybe we can help each other.”

  I felt my head shaking before she could finish her sentence. “I got a partner already.” Then I felt bad about the obvious rejection. “My training schedule’s still crazy. It’s hard finding the time.”

  “Oh. Okay.” She wasn’t convinced, and I didn’t have the time to explain more.

  I had a meeting to get to.

  “I’ll see you later.”

  When I was headed toward the stairway, DJ Paulie was coming up. I could tell he was coming my way, so I stopped.

  “Hey.” His goofy smirk made me want to laugh, but I didn’t.

  “What’s up?”

  Paulie started fidgeting with the strap of his book bag. “You seeing anybody, like exclusively?”

  “Why?”

  His forehead stretched. “Because…”

  “Because what?”

  “I want to ask you on a date. A few people said you’re dating this random guy off campus. In the event that’s not serious, I want to see if you’d be interested in going out.”

  My eyes ballooned. I wasn’t expecting that. Maybe I should have. I had no damn clue what to tell a guy, asking me on a “date.”

  What the…

  I couldn’t deal. Moving around him, I jogged down the stairs. “I can’t right now. Maybe later!” I shouted for him to hear.

  What else was I supposed to say?

  Weird human shit…

  Yup. I knew.

  “Okay,” Trisha closed her notebook, tapped the bottom on the desk before placing it to the side, and then laid her pen next to it. “Now that that’s over with…” Her eyes blinked then rolled over to Collin, who, though he was still jotting something down, caught her nervous look. Oh, shit… “it’s time for you to give us our end-of-the-year report card. It’s time for you to tell us how we did in your first semester with us here.”

  Why the hell did she look so weirded out?

  I knew what this meeting would be about when they scheduled it with me. We went over my grades to date and progress reports from professors. They gave me my final numbers for the fights I’d taken as a Panther and discussed what next semester would look like as a student here. I was happy to hear that Trisha, Luke, and their team had been impressed with my hard work and talent, and I’d even exceeded their expectations of not losing a fight. That wasn’t something that surprised me at all. I could fight better than I could speak. So, our conversation today, up until this point, I could understand. But I didn’t know the microphone would be handed over. What was I supposed to say?

  So, I shrugged. So much had happened this semester. Being barked at, feeling abandoned, tutoring, having a running partner, having a whole bunch of dope clothes and shoes thrown at me, a funeral, concerts, lawn movies, strip clubs, Tyler Thomas, losing my virginity, ending my first semester with a three-point-four GPA—Ashton Spencer.

  “Tori,” Collin began. “Is there anything we’ve done to make you feel upset, betrayed, or that we cannot be trusted?”

  Trisha barely let him finish his question. “Could we have advocated for you more during a particular incident?”

  I shook my head. “Nah. I know at the beginning of the semester, I wigged out a lot, but that was because…” I shrugged again. “It was hard back then. No money. The bratty ass students…”

  “But you worked through that well, Tori,” Trisha assured.

  “Yes.” Collin nodded. “Seems like you’ve made friends of some of them.”

  “Yeah. You’re a part of the crew now—”

  “Never.” I shook my head. “I’ll never be with that crew. I’m cool with a few and actually like maybe two, but that’s it.”

  I caught Trisha’s eyes roll over to Collin again. And again, he caught them. “Is Ashton one of them?”

  Shit…

  Why, man?

  I shrugged. “He’s cool.”

  “And what about Aivery.” Collin’s words fell slowly.

  “Never.” I needed to get off this topic. “Listen. I would like to say I’m sorry for giving y’all a hard time at the beginning. It wasn’t a good time for me. But you two stayed solid and didn’t send my ass packing, even when I wanted to.”

  Ashton’s kindness last night came to mind. We all had come a long way since August. I came here accusing everyone of being a weird human when it was me who had been strange—along with them. I was forced to spend time with one of the biggest bullies I’d ever come up against, threatened to kick his and his friends’ asses, hung out with him and his friends, made good grades thanks to his tutoring, and lost my virginity to him. I couldn’t begin to understand it all, but I did know something in me had changed. It was more than the Brielle concert, beyond meeting Tyler Thomas. It was the connection I was able to make with another human being. It helped me make more with others.

  A smile lifted on Trisha’s face. “You know we didn’t want that. I think you earned our trust when you came back when you said you would last month. I’m sorry we didn’t believe you. You’ve been amazing here, Tori.”

  “You’ve matured our asses,” Collin added. “Starting your program sounded good on paper, but hell!” He combed his hands through his sandy blond hair. Trisha and I laughed at the same time. “I’ve learned a lot from you, and I’m looking forward to learning more.”

  “Are you guys gonna get another girl fighter here?” I asked.

  “We hope to. We’ve been looking at a few,” Trisha explained. “But none really have the skills you have.”

  “So that means more supplemental work we’d have to provide on our side,” Collin added. “We still have time. We still have you to work with, too. A.D. Jones seems to like the idea of having an undefeated fighter on the Panthers roster.” He looked across the table to Trisha for help. “I don’t think any of the male fighters hold that record.”

  Trisha shook her head. “Reggie Laws did until last month.” Her eyes fell again, making me nervous. “Can I ask a question and have you be totally honest with me?” I nodded. Still, Trisha hesitated. “I’ve been struggling with this for three months because of what the possible answer could be, but in the spirit of your—” She motioned my way with her forehead. “—own admission to self-evolution, I have to ask.” Her eyes brushed against Collin’s again. “That night…back in September when I took you out to dinner with my friends… Why did you leave the way you did? How did you even get back to campus?”

  My heart dropped. I didn’t want to discuss that night ever again either. And not because it was all that bad, it was just another time a stupid human attempted to decide my sexuality for me. It didn’t go too far. I was just happy it
wasn’t as bad as it could have been. But I owed it to her to be honest.

  “Your friend tried to…”

  “Victoria...” She breathed like she knew.

  I nodded. “She made me feel crazy uncomfortable.”

  “What exactly did she do, Tor?” Collin leaned into the table.

  I shrugged, only able to look at the table for long sprints. “She asked for my number.”

  They both sighed. Collin’s eyes fell and Trisha dropped her head into her hands.

  “That’s it?” Trisha asked, wanting more with her face still buried.

  Collin asked, “Did she say why?”

  “To tell me the meaning of my name, but I know how the bullshit goes. I know how she looked at me, why she licked her lips.”

  “Of course, you do!” Collin made clear.

  “Honey, we all know the signs. I’m just sad you experienced that while with me. I took you out that night to make you feel protected and like you were welcome. The last thing I wanted was for you to be approached in a manner that made you feel uncomfortable. I will address Victoria with a firm tone.”

  I shook my head. “Don’t sweat it. It wasn’t that serious. Yeah, it was fucked up, but…” I pulled in a breath, deciding on my words. “She didn’t touch me. She may have gotten me to give up my number, but she never called and she didn’t…” I shook my head. “Look. I know real monsters. People who make you do shit that’s gross. Shit you don’t wanna do. Shit you can’t tell anybody because it’s just that nasty. That bad.” Feeling a boldness I’d never felt before, I was able to look Trisha in her face. “I know that kind of shame and darkness. Your girl was wrong about me. She thought something about me that ain’t true. The cool thing about it is, I didn’t know how wrong she was that night. But being here…at Blakewood, I know now she was wrong as hell.” I didn’t like girls. I may not have been sure I liked all guys either, but I did one. I liked him enough to feel safe.

  “Being here?” Collin asked.

  A BBM came through and embarrassed me, I dragged my Blackberry down to my lap.

  Ashton: Tell me you have a bathing suit, preferably a bikini.

  I turned to him and shook my head. “I… When I was younger, I had some things happen to me. It was gross. One of the people got locked up over it, but it still had me messed up. I can’t say I’m not…messed up anymore, but I feel like…” I hated that I couldn’t grab the words needed to express what I felt. Shit. This semester had been the most I’d been able to share with strangers. I never talked about those dark times. Ashton was the first stranger I was able to tell since Paul was arrested and locked the hell up. “This ain’t easy for me to talk about, but I’m saying it’s all good. Your friend is good, as long as she doesn’t come at me again.”

  For a moment, no one said anything.

  Me: no

  “Shit, Tori! I had no idea.” Trisha dropped her face in her palm again. “I’m so fucking sorry.”

  “For what? Let’s not do this, okay? I’m good,” I tried as my Blackberry vibrated in my hand beneath the table. “BSU may be a pain in the ass, but a couple of y’all are fine by me.” I hated my smile.

  Ashton: Ask for one. You’ll need it tonight.

  My heart thundered as my eyes lifted to Collin scratching his brow. Trisha’s hand pushed across the table to cover mine.

  “I’m grateful to have gotten to know you, Tori.”

  My head bounced. “Me, too.”

  Are we done? This is crazy awkward…

  “Okay.” Trisha sucked in a deep breath. “I’m being unprofessional here. You don’t deserve pity.” She rolled her glossy eyes and laughed at herself. “Unless there’s something else you’d like to discuss, we can end the meeting.”

  Before I could answer, Collin chimed in. “Tori, you never said how you got back to campus from…Applebee’s.”

  His eyes were jumpy and the way his sentence slowed, I knew he had a reason for asking that wasn’t exactly professional. Was Collin being nosy?

  I shrugged. “My clothes were soaked by the time I made it to my dorm.” I grabbed up my things while they tossed each other that same weird human look they’d been doing since earlier. I made my way to the door, then turned and asked, “Is there anywhere on campus I can get a bathing suit—bikini?”

  He dabbed his fingers on a cloth napkin as he nodded, wearing a cocky grin. “Yeah. You like that, huhn?”

  Cloth napkins. Who brings crisp white cloth napkins to an indoor pool?

  Grant it, it was a nice setup. Apparently, the athletic complex had eight pools with five inside. This was their smaller ones the controlling and privileged human got us access to. He brought Italian food—mussels in red sauce, he said, with banging ass bread—wine I thought was too bitter, candles, and his old school jams that played from the speakers in the room. The lights were low, glow from the candles high. Outside of struggling with the white cloth dinner napkins, I felt like I was in a dream.

  Laying on the long folding chair, Ashton chuckled quietly and I knew why. After swimming and kissing in between laps, I was hungry as hell. Just like on his birthday, he had the guys pledging his fraternity drop off the food. Ashton had the bottle of nasty wine waiting here with real glasses in a legit picnic basket when I arrived.

  “I was starving.” I tossed the mussel. “Swimming ain’t no joke.”

  “Really?” Ashton balled his mouth, brows meeting. “Because those slow strokes you were doing were so damn exhausting?”

  I rolled my eyes and swiped a piece of the bread in the red sauce the way he’d been doing. “That was at the beginning. I was smoking your ass after that,” I lied.

  Yeah. I was slow the first few laps, but even going faster, I was nowhere near Ashton’s speed. Just like on the track in the mornings, I fought to keep up, though.

  “What the hell ever, Nabby-girl. You lost to me again, just eat it.”

  “You ain’t win shit,” I hissed, going for another mussel. “You eat it.”

  “I plan to,” he mumbled. My head whipped up. “So, so far a three-point-four GPA?” I nodded, feeling full now. I grabbed the other white cloth napkin to wipe my mouth and hands. “And you got an A minus on the paper last week. When’s your chem final?”

  My eyes rolled to the back of my head as I sat on a towel with my legs crossed. “Monday after next. My math test is the same day.”

  “You ready?”

  I shrugged, not wanting to think about stupid tests. The fear of those finals bringing down my GPA was crazy real at this point. “When’s your last final?”

  His face tightened when the track changed to a Mint Condition song. Ashton bopped his head before going for his glass of nasty wine. “The Monday after next, too. Then…” He raised the glass to his hairy face, some of the red liquid quickly touched his lips, and he swallowed. “on the last day, I start packing up my apartment. Just found out today, the moving company comes to pick up my shit two days after classes end.”

  “Moving company?”

  “Yeah. This is my last semester as a student.”

  That news hit me like a bag of bricks. I remember Ashton saying he’d be training for a couple of weeks in Jersey next month and then after, he had a few football events, but I forgot he’d be done, done. Permanently leaving campus in less than two weeks?

  I caught his eyes falling after looking at me. He swirled the wine around in the glass. What was that about?

  I scratched the back of my head, stuck, but feeling like I should say something. “I’m sure Aivery ain’t gone like that.”

  Why did I say that? I knew Ashton hated when I brought her up like that. He said they broke up, and I should have respected that. But it was hard to.

  He leaned closer toward me while sitting on the edge of the lounge chair. “What do you tell your roommate when you leave my bed? Do you tell her your ‘boyfriend’ blew your mind with orgasms? Did you tell her when you were deflowered last weekend and how you took my dick like a G?”

&nbs
p; That shit stung. And not because of how he attempted to make me feel used, but because he wanted to upset me. I knew I shouldn’t have brought up Aivery, but damn.

  My head shook and words fell in a whisper as I looked him dead in the face. “I didn’t tell her anything.”

  “Why not?” he shot back as quick as a pistol.

  I rolled my eyes away, feeling bruised. “Because I can’t tell anybody.”

  Ashton didn’t try for a comeback and I was grateful. This thing between us was out of control, at least for me. I didn’t want to fight him over it. A million things ran through my mind, mainly about these being my last days with him.

  The lyrics to the track playing began to slip into my thoughts. I knew the song. It was a woman whose name wouldn’t come to me right away. But the energy of it commanded my attention. The flash memory of driving down Delsea Drive with my mother blasting a song she sang from her gut came to mind, then the artist’s name did, too.

  Kelly Price…

  It was about a secret relationship. An affair between two people who can’t even share it with their friends. It was supposed to be temporary, but they caught feelings. Absorbing the lyrics, I didn’t realize I’d been listening for much of the song.

  My eyes met Ashton’s and it hit me.

  That’s the name of it. “Secret Love!”

  It’s out in the open our cover is blown…

  I watched his eyes circle as he processed the sound. It had to be because of the wine, but tears welled in my eyes. My mother.

  I’m not my mother…

  Ashton dropped the glass on the cemented floor, quickly stood to pull me to my feet and before I could speak, he kissed me. Grabbing me by my damp ass and the back of my head, he pulled me into his hard, hairy chest and took my tongue, holding it hostage. His mouth and tongue… It was like they said shit he couldn’t speak like a normal human. But then again, I wasn’t a normal human either. I communicated things to him I didn’t have the heart to say, just like I did the first time I went down on him in the therapy room.