Our Muted Recklessness (Muted Hopelessness Book 2)

by Love Belvin

  It was as mean as he’d been to me the start of the semester. It was cold and cruel like that guy and his mean friends. It was delicious and numbing, and so what I needed. The sound of our flesh slapping together, his balls into my sex just after, right off beat. I felt everything, yet nothing other than Ashton and me. I could do this forever. Feel this ache, take this pain, study the swiftness of his slides out of me and glides back in. I bit my lip, loving the sensation from my tits bouncing outside of my bra, the stinging of my ass from the pounding. My head rolled back, feet spread wider apart and spine arched.

  “Shit,” he urged without lungs.

  Ashton pounded into me faster, gripped the fat of my hips harder, causing a lifting in my belly. His balls were hard and big. Then they stopped…he slowed. By the buckling feeling of his legs, I could tell Ashton was coming. When he stopped, I heard his heavy breaths, lungs dead.

  Out of breath and skin clammy myself, I panted. “Your lungs are shitty.”

  He slapped my ass hard. “Your pussy is a rainforest. Your fault.”

  Ashton pulled out of me and my legs felt like cement logs, I could hardly move. He hooked me at the waist, helping to right me as I released the bar. Then he fastened my bra, putting my breasts in place. Next was my sweatshirt. It glided down smoothly. When I was able to blink away temporary blindness, I saw him standing with his pants at his spread ankles and his hands working around his mid-section. The darkness made it impossible to make out exactly what he was doing, but I knew it involved his dick.

  “Di—do you need one of the blankets to wipe…it off?”

  Still trying to gain his lungs, Ashton panted, “No thanks. I used a rubber.” A rub—a condom! Oh... He didn’t use any last weekend. Was something wrong? Was I wrong or insane for not demanding it? Yup. I was. Had to be. “Your pants are down, tomboy. Why are you stuck in space?”

  That familiar rustle in his voice nipped at me. He was right. I needed to pull my panties and jeans up. Trying to find the opening to both, I felt weird losing my balance. Ashton was a bully; even as my sex partner, he still taunted me. He knew my weaknesses and he played on the right insecurities to keep me going.

  “Your sneaker,” he graveled over my head. “It’s right here.” He was handing it to me in the dark. “Did you bring an overnight bag to the lawn?”

  I shook my head. “No.”

  “Why not?”

  “Why should I?”

  “You didn’t think I’d want you to stay with me tonight, Nabby-girl?”

  I stood straight, now buttoning my pants. “You let tomboys in your bed, Prince of Zamunda?”

  He grabbed me by the chin and kissed me hard. “Only one from Millville. I’ll grab the blankets. Let’s get out of here,” he whispered.

  Chapter Fifteen

  -THEN-

  We sat on my bed, legs crossed with an open Verti pizza box between us. She nibbled on a crust while I read over the last section of the final paper of my undergraduate career. It was about the relationship the black sheep of the family had with the golden child, or lack thereof. For Brick and me, we forged a bond against the will of my paternal grandmother and other relatives on my mother’s side of the family who thought he was no more than a thug. They didn’t understand how we turned out being best friends in spite of their mistreatment of him.

  A hard snort blossoming into a giggle had my head lifting. Tori’s face was toward her lap, but eyes on me.

  “What’s so funny?”

  “I was pissed with you tonight,” she shared.

  “Maybe I was mad as hell at you, too.” I wasn’t. Just a peg above annoyed.

  It was hard to fully recall now when seeing her so comfortable, properly fucked, fed, and in my tank and boxers.

  “But I only went because you wanted to.”

  “I did. My frat, Nick, is on the production team. Since I’ve relinquished my role this semester with my fraternity so I could focus on getting ready for the Combine, I need to show up for AOPsi in any capacity I can.”

  Tori tossed the picked over crust into the box. We’d demolished damn near the whole pie when it arrived after we showered. “But I didn’t invite your girlfriend and friends to sit with me.”

  “You didn’t tell her to get the fuck on either,” I grumbled, typing a sentence I was temporarily inspired to ask.

  “I’m not going to do that, Ashton.”

  “Well,” I shrugged with my head. “you should. Aivery deserves worse from you.”

  Things got quiet for a few seconds. “She asked who you spent your birthday with.” Tori wouldn’t look at me.

  I lifted from the laptop and straightened my spine. “Why do you, like everybody else, think I’m already married to Aivery? Or that we’re Prince Charles and Diana, or some shit?”

  Her face tightened. “Who?”

  “Never mind. I just think people are making too much of two kids who are too young to be making a serious commitment anyway.”

  “But you were,” Tori pushed. Bold little thing, she was. “You were going to propose to her.”

  “And thank God, I’m not anymore.”

  “Because of the guy?” She dropped her eyes. “Because of me?”

  “Because of us. Because we’re not ready. Because we’re too young. Because there are other people for us to explore…to help shape who we are before we can say to one another, ‘I know who I am and I’m ready to share all of me with you.’ Because life just serves us fucked up pies every once in a while to reshape us, to reset us.”

  And boy, had life just fucked me up with taking my best friend from me. What would life in the League be without him? We had plans to move him out of Newark. Now, I’d be leaving him right there.

  “Who else?”

  Huhn?

  “Who else what?”

  “Who else makes you feel pressured to propose to her?”

  “Enough to drive me insane. Her family, everybody here on campus, including our friends, my grandmother…you.” I felt my eyes rolling away, sour as hell. “Shit. Even Brick.”

  “Brick?” Tori was alarmed.

  I shook my head. “I know this shit is about to sound like the straight jacket-level insanity, but I really did miss having you here this week.” My schedule was impossible this semester. I had three ‘social’ dinners with endowers and other BSU supporters this week. It was the rent I paid for the school’s support to me. “When you’re here, Brick visits me.”

  Her mouth dropped and suddenly, I regretted sharing that shit. Of course, it sounded crazy.

  “My Margaret Maureen hasn’t popped in to see me in years.” Her face held strong. Tori possibly felt as vulnerable as I did. “Does he at least talk to you?”

  I thought about that for a second, my regard to the mostly empty pizza box. “I don’t think so. He laughs.” I found her face. “He just laughs.”

  Tori’s eyes went wild. “Because you’re with a tomboy?”

  I shake my head, thankfully finding some humor in this crazy shit. “No! I don’t think so.”

  “Then why?”

  I shook my head again, “I think it’s because…” I chewed on my lip. “The day of his funeral. When you came and sat next to me…I didn’t recognize you because I was in this mental flashback of him clowning me about wearing a suit to my wedding. The one with Aivery. He didn’t like her.” I shrugged. “Aivery didn’t like Brick either. It was for the same reason others in our family and even my father’s side didn’t like him. They saw nothing good in him.” That shit still ate at me. “Anyway, he told me I was going to marry Aivery even though she isn’t my type. He said I was going to marry Aivery just to prove to my family I was something I wasn’t.”

  “What?” she whispered.

  “Predictable, compliant, village-minded…like my father.” Again, I shook my head, frustrated by it all. “I love Aivery, I do. But maybe this all happened for a reason. Her losing her virginity to Pettiford, him hating me for no reason, and coming back to BSU for pennies…m
e barking at you the day I tried breaking up with her for the first time.”

  Tori’s eyes rolled up. “What did Pettiford do to you? How did he try to kill you?”

  “After being up for over thirty-six hours from hazing, Pettiford, who was Dean of Pledges that year, told me I could go sleep in the shed behind the frat house, but I couldn’t eat until he said.” My mouth grew pasty. “Mind you, I didn’t have much on my stomach besides chips, soda, energy bars, shit like that. I didn’t complain, even though he singled me out. Everyone else on my line got to eat and sleep in their dorms. That’s unusual for a line. You do everything with your brothers. Your performance is uniform. It’s what builds the brotherhood.

  “I don’t know how long I was asleep on a manmade wooden bench covered by a thin blanket made of polyester and wool fibers—prison shit—when I was slapped awake and told to drink this pinkish potion in a pitcher. Pettiford and another big were there glaring down on me. I got it. It was the last week of pledging, Pettiford hated me and had made my life miserable for the past five weeks. He couldn’t break me with belittling, paddling, cold showers, lack of sleep, and at this point, food.”

  I plucked my nose with my thumb, hating this period of my life. It was one I couldn’t talk about to anyone not on line with me. “My brothers didn’t understand: they weren’t being targeted. Anyway, I was made to drink that nasty shit. It was loaded with tequila, tabasco sauce, and a heap of other shit my palate couldn’t make out. Almost right away, my mouth was on fire. My body rejected it because I’d had an empty stomach and was slightly dehydrated. I tried going through with it, until my stomach pushed that shit back up. I begged for water, feeling even my damn scalp burning.

  “Pettiford laughed, but his brother didn’t. He saw I was fucked up and just stood there staring at me. When Pettiford saw he was laughing alone, he got upset. He yelled, ‘Oh, you’re on fire? Let’s put it out.’ While I’m on the ground in the small shed made to fit a medium-sized dog, I was fading, about to pass the hell out. It was the scariest shit I felt from my body. This nigga got a water hose and sprayed my ass on high blast. He almost drowned me in that small space where there was nowhere to hide or retreat to from the pressure. He aimed for my face. I was weak, choking, and fading. I’d already lost over twenty pounds that semester. Still had football and practice and training. All I remember was being weak as fuck.

  “When my mom spoke to the doctor from the hospital, he told her there are five stages of drowning, and I was in stage three, quickly moving to stage four. Stage five is death. If it wasn’t for the other big there, I would’ve been out of here. It’s something I think Pettiford either wanted or still is indifferent about almost happening.”

  “Why did he target you?”

  I shrugged. “He targeted me from the moment I stepped on campus. I didn’t let him get to me, though. Until I pledged, I was never intimidated by him in the least. I think he sensed it and used it to his advantage.”

  “Why weren’t you intimidated?”

  “It’s because niggas where I come from play by a different set of rules. Pettiford isn’t a tough guy; he’s a privileged one.”

  “More than you?” she scoffed.

  “Way more than me.” I winked. “Remember, I’m a hybrid nigga. Wealth didn’t jade me.”

  “Did you ever wonder if he and Aivery had something going before you met her here? Didn’t you say they’re from the same town?”

  I nodded. “Fathers are in business together.”

  “Maybe that’s why he targeted you,” Tori reasoned. “Maybe you had something he wanted, but couldn’t have.”

  “Aivery?”

  Tori nodded. “He’s older than her. She was probably underaged when he wanted her. Then you got her… When?”

  “My second year here.”

  “And that’s when you pledged. Right?”

  My head bounced again, agreeing. “But that doesn’t make sense. He could have her here.”

  Tori closed the pizza box and scooted back to leave the bed. “Not if it was you who she wanted when she got here instead.”

  I watched her tight ass bounce, bursting through the cotton of my boxers as she left the room. I hoped she didn’t run into Stephan with those big ass cherry tits pushing through the thin fabric of my tank, and I’d have to make this awkward.

  Shit…

  I closed my laptop, realizing I’d exerted possession over this girl who wasn’t mine. I laughed to myself, placing the machine on my dresser and plugging in the charger. What would Tori look like as mine? Would she be adventurous? A freak? Aivery wasn’t a freak. She was good and fun, but brought the innocent girl act to bed, something I’d been putting off addressing. I didn’t know where Tori landed on the freak-odometer. She was new and…different.

  “What’re you thinking about?” she asked, whisking through my room for the bed.

  When she was settled in on her side, I turned to her. “How…normal were you before that pussy ass Paul…hurt you?”

  “Hmmmm…” Her face folded as though she was thinking about it. “I don’t know. I was different, though.”

  “How?”

  “Free.” Her voice dropped several octaves and her sad eyes rolled up to me when she added, “Safe.”

  “Safe…” I murmured without intent.

  “I was like a real kid. Like one tucked in warm and safe. And then when Paul started coming around…” She swallowed, chocolate pools rolling away. “He made me feel like I did something to not deserve to be tucked in to be kept…warm and safe. Even before the first time, the way he’d look at me.” She turned back to me. “That’s when I knew my mother wasn’t like other mothers. She didn’t protect me even from a man I wasn’t related to. She had him over all the time and would leave us alone.”

  My fucking heart ripped in my chest. “She knew?”

  Tori shook her head. “No. But that was the problem, you protect so you do know. She was too comfortable with having him around me like he was a relative. They were sneaking around, so he came when he could, even if it was before she got home from work. And when she came in, she wasn’t checking for me. She was excited about him. Mothers like Ms. Wanda Lee wouldn’t do that.”

  Ms. Wanda Lee damn sure wouldn’t do that. With all the flack I’d given my mother for being domineering and overprotective all my life, she still regulated my environments. She made sure I spent no time alone with any of my father’s friends. Before this very conversation, I thought it was because of her fear of me being around gay men. Now, I realize there were gay men in my family my mother loved and supported. But just as she didn’t want me around Jimmy alone, she never had any of her male companions around me alone either. She used to curse my aunt, Tabitha, out about letting her boyfriends babysit Brick and his sisters coming up. Wanda Lee hated that shit.

  “I—” I cleared my throat. “I’m just glad she didn’t know.” That eliminated her as a monster in my head. A loser, yeah, still. But no monster.

  Tori shook her head. “My Margaret was still angry. She should have known.”

  “This is gonna sound fucked up, but I’m trying to find some positivity in all this fucked upness for my own sanity.” Her head rolled over and she gave me her full attention. “I hate that he ever laid eyes on you, much less forced you to do things with him. But I’m glad he didn’t do more to you. Like hurt you physically with intercourse.”

  “He didn’t. He would threaten to, though. He’d told me if I didn’t do it right and make it quick, he would do it another way,” she breathed out the last few words.

  That sick ass motherfucker…

  “How did it stop?” I needed more good in this.

  “The first time?” She took a deep breath. “One day…after we finished in my room, he walked out, and I dumped myself in the corner to do this mind trick thing I used to do to make me manage my…emotions. I would like…go deep in my head and try to switch my thinking somehow—it’s weird and hard to explain.” She rolled her eyes in
defeat. “Anyway, the sounds of my Margaret shouting pulled me out of my head. She busted through my bedroom door and snatched me up. When she spoke to the police who came to her trailer to take the report, she told them she was coming to drop off food and saw Paul walking away from my room, fixing his pants. She said if he didn’t look so spooked, she wouldn’t have thought much right away. But she knew, and that’s when she busted into my room and found me.”

  “Was he arrested?”

  Tori nodded. “They took him. And my misery turned up a notch.”

  “How?”

  “Because I had to convince my mother of what he’d been doing to me for over a long ass time and fight his daughters, who were mad at me for getting him locked up, too.”

  I couldn’t listen anymore. Her trauma colored me dark. I didn’t want to spend too much time there. Murderous thoughts hijacked my mind. These people were still alive and well. Tori was now insecure, angry, admittedly strange, and untrusting. Those attributes muted her bright mind, caring spirit, beautiful sexuality, and ability to hope beyond being invisible to the world. The shit may have been irreversible.

  I pulled her close to me, needing her to warm my chilled body. Defeat from not being able to do this for her until she saw in herself what I saw was physically painful for me in that moment. Who had her back before me was unknown. But right now, I wanted to have her back here at BSU. I could do it. It would be in the only way I believed Tori’s rugged heart would let me, but I’d do it as long as I possibly could.

  “Yo, that shit was heavy,” the girl whose name I couldn’t remember exhaled as we shuffled out of class, shoulder to shoulder. She was a freshman like me, but lived in the Winnie dorm. It was weird that I’d kept that insignificant piece of information about her in mind. But that was because Aivery and Karmen lived in that dorm building. And my every thought or feeling about BSU revolved around that corny crew. “Congrats on not getting pregnant?”