Our Muted Recklessness (Muted Hopelessness Book 2)

by Love Belvin

  “So, why don’t you talk about him?”

  At first, I didn’t know what to say. Why was she asking about this?

  I licked my lips and shrugged. “It ain’t a big deal. We just chill.”

  “Overnight chill?” Lyricah questioned with suspicion. “You still a virgin, Tori?” She smiled. “You look like it.”

  My face balled. “No,” I spat through gritted teeth. “The hell do a virgin look like?”

  Samantha’s head whipped around. Her alarmed eyes landed on me first, then she chose her loyalty partner, and switched them over to her friend. “Yeah. What does a virgin look like, Lyricah? Because I want to know what I look like.”

  Shit. Samantha’s a virgin, too. Well, not me…anymore.

  Lyricah shrugged. “I don’t know. Tori’s just…cool. Look, all the guy Panthers hang out with her.”

  “No, they don’t!” I argued.

  Samantha agreed. “They don’t.”

  “Well, lots do. Shit. Even Aivery was okay with you working out with Ashton in the mornings. She sure didn’t take you for a wanton vixen.”

  I didn’t know what that was. Still, I didn’t like it.

  “Maybe she just trusts him.” Why was I defending the first couple of BSU? “Like y’all said the other day, he don’t cheat on her.”

  Lyricah shook her head, blowing off the argument. “It doesn’t matter. They’re broken up. By the way, have you asked him about me running with you guys in the mornings?”

  I had. On the way to the Tyler Thomas book signing, I mentioned it to Ashton.

  I shrugged, going back to my phone. “He said unless special permission is given by BSU, the athletic department won’t allow non-athletes access to the compound.”

  “Damn!” she whispered. “Is that the only place you two workout together?”

  “Lyricah!” Samantha scolded her. “Give it a break. The girl’s tired and wants to get some rest. She just got back this afternoon.”

  Lyricah’s eyes widened then stood from Samantha’s bed. “Yeah, and by the looks of it, he banged you good.”

  “Lyricah!” Samantha gasped again.

  Lyricah’s hands shot into the air defenselessly. “I’m out. I have a late study group for my Chem and Phys Biology course.”

  “Oh, I didn’t know you had that this semester,” Samantha noted. “I plan on taking it in the spring. Who do you have?”

  My phone buzzed in my hands. A BBM.

  Ashton: Come see me.

  My face folded. Come see him?

  Me: it’s late and I’m 2 secs from hungry.

  “Blackmon.”

  Ashton: Pack a bag. I got you.

  “Is he any good?”

  “I heard Williamson is better. She has study sessions with students sporadically throughout the semester.” Lyricah shrugged and opened the door. “Oh! Are you guys going to the BSU lawn movie next week?”

  Samantha nodded, and I asked, “What’s that?”

  “It’s like the one we went to two weeks ago when we saw “Coming to America,” Samantha explained, “only this time, it’s the film department’s production in tandem with the drama department. They spent the past few months making a movie. Students show support by watching it together.”

  Lyricah nodded, mouth twisted. “It’s similar to how we support Blakewood athletes by going to their games, or in your case, fights.”

  That made sense to me.

  “I plan on going. Dre mentioned it.” Samantha had really been into Dre. I couldn’t believe it. I liked Dre and all, but she was too smart for him.

  “What about you?” Lyricah asked me. “We can sit together.”

  Nodding, I told her, “Maybe.” Then she left, closing the door.

  “Sorry about that,” Samantha mumbled then exhaled, plopping down on her bed. I shrugged, truly not caring. “She seems to be trying to hang out with you, but I don’t understand the aggression.”

  “Ain’t no biggie.”

  “But it’s no one’s business to ask about your personal life. You know? I mean… This thing with Dre and me, I like it low key. I want to keep it that way until I know it’s solid. People in his crew are so damn mean. So, I get it. You don’t owe anyone anything.”

  My face broke into spasms. I don’t think anyone out here, other than Trisha, had been considerate of my feelings or accepting of my weirdness. It dropped a shit load of guilt on my shoulders, too. I was hiding a big secret. It was possibly the biggest secret in the history of BSU’s couples and athletes. This was something I couldn’t share with Samantha. She was too good and pure to understand. I thought I was too good and pure, too.

  Until Ashton Spencer…

  “Thanks.” I managed one cheek to lift.

  Samantha scoffed. “Why do you sound so sad, girl? I’ve got your back!”

  That’s exactly why…

  “I appreciate that.”

  She sighed, shoulders lifting and dipping. “Well, I’m out.” She stood to her feet. “I’ve got a whole shift to prepare my nerves for…hanging out with Dre.” A ball clogged my throat at that. “I’ll see you some time in the morning? I’m sure you’ll appreciate the quiet time.”

  My eyes dropped to Ashton’s last words on my phone.

  Ashton: And I’m not fuckin you.

  I rolled my eyes and whispered just before she opened the door to leave. “Right.”

  The night air was gray and I was still able to see the clouds float beneath the bright stars. Heating lamps were placed throughout the lawn, and the big screen projected the pictures and bios of actors and the production team in the upcoming film, White Heaven Black Hell. The lawn had been filling up fast in the twenty minutes I’d been out here. I glanced down at my phone again for the time of Ashton’s last BBM. It was sixteen minutes ago when he said he was out of the shower and putting his clothes on.

  I had his blanket next to me, saving a spot for him. And when his Panthers crew came along with him, they’d make room for themselves, moving anyone next to Ashton. They were horrible humans that way. But what was taking them so long was the question.

  It had been six days since Ashton took me away for his birthday and four since I’d hung out with him. Between me preparing for the fight I had yesterday, his game on Monday, and him practicing for the next Panthers’ playoff game, we hadn’t seen much of each other off the athletic campus. So when he BBM’d me saying he was coming to the lawn movie tonight after their practice and to save a seat for him, I was…nervous. I made sure to wear jeans instead of sweats and earrings instead of a hat. I put on the only lipglass I had, and made sure to splash on a little body spray. I would never admit it to him, but I’d missed the bossy, controlling, mean human, Ashton.

  “Can you hold this while I lay out my sleeping bag?” Lyricah was over my left shoulder, handing me a cup of popcorn.

  She lay her soda on the ground to the left of her where Samantha, Neemah, and Teefah were setting up their blankets, too. I was expecting them. When I ran into Lyricah in the student center, on my way to class a couple of days ago, she reminded me she’d be here and sitting next to me. Talk about aggressively making friends. I didn’t want to be friends with Samantha’s friends, just cool with them. The same with the Panthers. We were cool, not friends.

  I grabbed the popcorn, fighting an eye-roll, then checked my phone again. Nothing from Ashton. My neck twisted, searching the crowd. Where was he?

  “Hey, Tori!” Samantha shouted me out on the other side of her friend, now sitting on her blanket. “You know when Dre and the guys are supposed to get here?”

  Right. Because he’d sit with her.

  I shook my head. “No clue.”

  Lyricah finally settled in next to me, her legs in her sleeping bag as she reached for her popcorn from me. “Chilly night, huhn?” Then her chin tossed. “Extra blanket?”

  I glanced down beside me to Ashton’s blanket he had me pick up from his apartment earlier to save his spot.

  “Spence’s,” I
murmured, attention going back to my phone.

  “Oh!” she chirped. “So, he will be here?”

  I shrugged, wanting her to disappear. Not in the best mood from being a little achy from my fight yesterday, the only thing I was grateful for was my period being off. It was a crappy cycle this time. Still, I didn’t want to be around humans—well, only one. And if I had to sacrifice exposing my energy to others, I’d do it just for some time with him.

  Until another feminine voice sang out over my head on the right side. “Oh, here you are.” Fuck! All I could do was stare at her. “I had a feeling you would be here, but not with…” She pushed her pouted lips toward Lyricah, Samantha, and the rest of the science crew. When I turned back to Aivery, I saw Karmen and Andrea setting up the blankets. That only meant one thing. Shit! “It is what it is,” she grumbled, flinging her sleeping bag in the air to unroll it. It lay out on the ground right next to Ashton’s.

  “Oh, damn,” Lyricah muttered, under her voice, then tossed popcorn in her mouth.

  Aivery settled herself on the ground, not giving any attention to the rolled-up blanket between us. She talked a little amongst her girls, Andrea taking orders for the concession stand.

  Her long weave flipped when her head whipped to face me. “You want anything, Tori?” Her lined eyes narrowed before she made clear, “I will not be extending that offer to your…friends over there.”

  What?

  I shook my head. My original plan was to wait for Ashton to get here then I’d get some candy and soda to piss off my unreasonable ass nutritionist. But when the light posts dimmed and the sound increased for the screen, I knew I no longer wanted to stay. The problem was I had Ashton’s blanket and I didn’t want to seem awkward in front of everyone. For the next few minutes, my eyes were on the screen, but my mind was stuck. Where was Ashton?

  How long is this movie supposed to be?

  “So,” Aivery whispered, eyes on the screen, head nearing me. “Who did Ashton spend his birthday with?”

  My heart dropped out of my ass. I blinked hard, trying to come up with my denial story. Oh, shit. This was a setup. Aivery sat here to confront me about having sex with her boyfriend!

  “Why would I know?”

  “Because,” she whispered. “You seem to be the only person he’s hanging around nowadays. And his stupid Panther boys worship the bro-code too much to be honest with me. So?”

  I felt my face tighten as I looked at her. Aivery had a lot of nerve, asking me to rat Ashton out—even if it included exposing me. She didn’t even like me—

  “You don’t even like me,” I decided to remind her. “Why are you asking for my help with your relationship?”

  I couldn’t take her! What big nerve she had. My eyes rolled away and in my peripheral, I saw Dre settling down next to Samantha. She was all smiles, rearranging her blanket to welcome him in.

  “Because I’m desperate. I called him all day, and not once did he answer. I went to his apartment, called the sports complex, and even called his grandmother and mother. Neither knew where he spent his birthday. Well, his mother may not have told me, if she knew. My future mother-in-law is…different.” She tried a smile then rolled her eyes. “Did he say anything to you about his plans?”

  I have no idea where, “When was his birthday?” came from. Couldn’t believe it spilled from my lips.

  “Fri—” she began, but stopped. “You know what? Never mind.” She scooted back over to her side. “Why would I ever think he’d have anything more than pity for a weirdo like you? You may have gotten lucky with your little boyfriend who buys you all that stuff—and I’m not even sold on that—but you’re not the type Ashton would do more than run in the mornings with. And that’s only because Jones made him.”

  She snatched her small body away from me, angry eyes stapled to the screen. That pissed me the hell off. Quickly, I was reminded of my place in her world, and was ready to blow this corny college event. First, I fired off a message to Ashton.

  Me: i’m out. where do you want me to leave your blanket?

  My eyes stared blankly at the screen where I noticed one guy I’d seen around campus mowing a lawn in the movie. My phone vibrated.

  Ashton: That’s what I did when I saw the company you have. You can bring it to the back of my apartment building. There’s a utility door back there. It’s the single door, not double. Knock.

  My company? She was his girlfriend—ex! Whatever! And Lyricah. I had no idea what she was besides annoying as hell. I jumped to my feet, stuffing my phone into the kangaroo pocket of my hoodie, yanked up my blanket, along with his rolled one, and took off.

  “Where are you going? The movie just got good,” Aivery called after me, and people shushed her.

  “Outta here!” I answered.

  Someone blurted, “Weirdo!” to my back. It was probably one of Aivery’s snobbish friends. I didn’t care. They all annoyed me. Even Ashton.

  I stomped my way across campus, not caring how long of a hike it was. He technically lived on the sports compound, but technically didn’t. On foot, you had to cross the compound to get to his apartment dormitory. I didn’t even make a full stop at the gate, just flashed my ID to the guard as best as I could while carrying two stupid blankets, and kept it moving. He knew who I was, even in the dark of the night.

  When his building came into view, I remembered Ashton telling me to come to the back. I glanced over both my shoulders before heading that way. There was lighting back here, so I wasn’t too weirded out. I wondered if I should be. Finally, I made it to the single door and banged with the side of my fist. It was hard to, holding big ass blankets in both hands.

  Within seconds, the metal door was pulled open so fast into a dark space, I sucked in a breath. Then I was yanked inside next and pushed into a wall as the blankets fell from my arms. It was Ashton. I could smell him before his soft lips met mine. And he kissed me. The door clicked closed, blacking out the space we were in, but his tongue created heat in my belly that shot between my legs. I kissed him back, forgetting to breathe, my hands all over his hard back. I didn’t know where to land them, just happy to feel him again.

  “There you are,” I could hear the smile in his words, his lips still on mine, foreheads touching.

  Did I really like this? Had to. It was why my nipples tingled.

  “Don’t tell me,” my voice was so deep. “You missed me.”

  He did laugh this time. “How did you know?”

  “Your dick is about to shoot into my belly like a damn bullet.” My words dripped dryly.

  Ashton chuckled again. “My dick? Yeah. But not your belly.” He lifted from me. “C’mere.”

  He pulled me farther into the dark space. After a few steps, I could see the lit lobby hallway from a small square window on the door across the room. Then my body was swung around and head arched up for his kiss. My back to his chest, Ashton’s lips were hungry on me. His tongue aggressive. I felt his hands at my waist, fingers opening my jeans, unzipping me. Then he dropped behind me and motioned for me to lift my foot, and he slipped off my one sneaker.

  What the…

  What was he doing? What were we about to do? Was I okay with it?

  When Ashton stood to his feet again, his face was in mine, voice thick and low. “You can’t be loud in here. Okay?” I nodded like a fool. He couldn’t see me, just hear the heavy breaths leaving my beating chest. “No matter what, don’t get loud.” He warned again.

  Then he kissed me again. God, when did I like being kissed? No matter how many times I’d done this with Ashton, it was not enough. His hands were at my waist again. This time, he was lifting the hem of my sweatshirt. My spine shivered when it passed my tits. The lace over them made me feel naked. I could feel the cold air push right through the delicate material.

  “Hands up,” he whispered. I obeyed, and Ashton stopped pulling the shirt when the material gathered at my nose. His hand fingered my mouth, then he turned me around. “Hold on to here.” He place
d my hand on some type of pole that was just above my head, but not by much.

  Then he was in front of me, kissing me again. It wasn’t for long, likely because he knew I needed to breathe. My nose and head were covered in cotton from my hoodie. Ashton unclasped my bra and when my tits dropped, a dry cry left my lungs. Now, I was scared. Horny and excited out of my mind, but scared.

  His mouth was on my one nipple and fingers on the other. My hips swayed and grip on the bar above tightened to keep me vertical.

  “Shhhhh…” he warned, then went back to licking and sucking.

  The intense feeling sparked a fire in my panties. Then my jeans and panties were being pulled down. Soft kisses from his warm lips trailed the material. He tapped for me to lift my leg and pulled them from my foot. Ashton drew me at the hips until my back arched. My knees almost gave out when I felt his mouth on my ass…in my ass. Was this a mistake? Why would he do that?

  He licked and licked until his tongue made it to my clit. Ashton’s rhythm on it made me dance, I was so close to the edge. Damn, I missed him. These four days had me wondering if the two before them were real. Did I really go all the way with Ashton Spencer? The way my body received his touch answered that ringing question. The firmness of his tongue over the right spot said yes. My hips moved with him, breasts bounced in the cold air. And I couldn’t see anything. That one odd fact gave me a mask to hide behind. It helped me welcome in the blast of pleasure erupting from between my legs. It spread to every part of my body. Goosebumps lifted everywhere on me; my back wobbled, leaving me no control.

  I wanted to scream but couldn’t. I couldn’t even let out the cries of ‘feel good’ from my nose. It was covered. My mouth was wide open, shooting harsh breaths out, and begging air to come in. Ashton pulled back, landing another sweet peck on my cheek. I heard what could have been the buckle from his belt.

  “Good job, Nabby-girl,” the sensual arrogance in the laziness of his voice turned me on even more. I shivered, shoulders shook and rolled, and back curled as my naked ass hung in the air. He pulled me back again by the hips. Then I felt him beneath me…between my thighs. The fat head of him rubbing between my lips had my heart banging in my chest. Here we go again. Sex. I was having sex. With a guy. And I liked it. My head and face were covered, making me helpless, but I liked everything Ashton Spencer did to my body. Then he was inside, his strokes long to fit him in. I was anxious from the start, wanting more. “Hang on,” he warned in a hushed tone before pulling out and slamming into me hard.