Our Muted Recklessness (Muted Hopelessness Book 2)

by Love Belvin

  The sound had me remember what woke me up. And snoring? I rolled my eyes.

  It’s all a part of the game…

  “Is this another head game Ashton’s playing?” Anger curled in my damn belly. “Because if it is, I’m not beat. I’m all played out.”

  She scoffed. “He told me about the little ‘get jealous over me’ trick he pulled on you last night, which is why I’m here.”

  I wanted her to leave. I was naked underneath the blanket. Also, I was over being annoyed by humans. My tolerance had run low. “You ain’t here for me. As you can see, Ashton is gone. You can call to find out where he is on campus.”

  “Actually, I am here to see you.” She turned inside the doorframe. “Get dressed. Hell, hurry up and wash off the make-up fuck he gave you last night when you got in from the Jux Supper Club.” She winked, then click-clacked out of the room.

  Does he tell her everything?

  Washed up with a clean face and mouth—and with clothes on—I could face the bombshell waiting for me in the living room. When NormaJean sensed me, she stood and turned around until we faced each other. I was hungry and groggy, so not in the mood.

  “Look.” I waved my hand in the air. “I ain’t got time for no shit—”

  “I don’t have much time either. I have a flight to catch. You can sit or stand, but you damn sure will listen.”

  “To what?” My mouth was balled, words barely escaping.

  “To what I’m about to tell you.”

  I stepped closer into the living room, rounding the sofa. “Look. Again. I don’t have time for—”

  “You’re pregnant.” Her tone was low, but words hit harder than a bag of fucking potatoes.

  When I gazed down to my stomach area and saw a bit of my flesh was exposed, I pulled the shirt down. “I don’t know how much you know about boxing, but when you’re not in training, you can easily put on—”

  “It’s in your face, too, sweetheart. In my line of work, we have a keen eye for pregnancy signs. Yours is loud, young pup, which complicates this shit even further.” I was speechless. I’d just found out myself. How was she able to see it? Who else did? “You’re not going to have this baby. It will not happen. This needs to be understood.” Her tone again was firm, but volume not high. NormaJean’s emotions were controlled, there was no doubt about it, because it was clear to me she was upset.

  I watched her walk over to the counter separating the kitchen from the living room, and reach into her pocketbook. “When I saw you back in February, I was hoping you took my hint of not getting too close to Ashton, but clearly you didn’t.”

  “Ashton is your friend, not me. What I do ain’t your business, lady.”

  “It is when it concerns him. He’s young—older than you, but still young—and he’s embarking on one of the most critical times in his life where he needs no distractions.”

  “The hell? What makes me a distraction?”

  One of her eyebrows lifted. “Because he thinks he likes you. And the problem with that is, if he thinks he likes you, his focus is off of Aivery.”

  “You want him to marry her?” I hated the sadness in my voice.

  “He will marry her.” She hesitated. “Or at least, propose. What little miss Aivery does with that opportunity is on her, but as far your ass...” She pulled out a checkbook. “You can do whatever you want. Come back here next fall when the double A’s are gone, or go back to your trailer park and figure out a new plan. But it won’t be with one Ashton Spencer.”

  Ashton and Aivery…double A’s.

  My heart cracked and I swallowed back my tears. From that mean old Mrs. Spencer, Ashton’s grandmother, I expected this. Maybe even from his mother. But never Ashton’s “friend,” NormaJean.

  “Oh, and,”—Her head lifted, pausing from writing out a check.—“first, you go to the chop shop and rid yourself of the illegitimate Spencer heir.”

  Uncontrolled tears fell down my face. “Why are you doing this?”

  NormaJean stood, ripping the check from the book. “Because you were a distraction that’s been in play too damn long, sweet cakes. You’re not a permanent cast member in this show.”

  She handed me the check and when I wouldn’t take it, she placed it on the coffee table in front of me. I couldn’t see shit through my tears but her walking away.

  NormaJean’s last words were, “I’m generous. Buy yourself a hooptie, bike, skateboard, or whatever you need for your clean getaway.”

  “Fuck you, you bougie bitch!” The rage I felt was dangerous. “You don’t get to tell me what to do. You don’t dismiss me like I’m a damn peasant.”

  NormaJean turned around, brows were hiked, but she didn’t appear too alarmed. She took a few steps back into the living room, Halle Berry smile in perfect position. “Now you listen, little girl. This is my attempt at civility. Don’t make me enforce my abilities of making your life here at good ol’ BSU so difficult, you’ll need that hooptie, bike, skateboard, or whatever for your clean getaway.”

  I shook my head, wiping my face. “You can’t do shit to me. Can’t nobody on this campus do shit to me!”

  “Until I tell little miss sunshine Aivery you’ve been climbing her man’s redwood.”

  “Then Ashton would know you told her.”

  Her burgundy lips turned up as NormaJean shook her head. “Not if I tell her not to.”

  She sounded so confident. So controlled. It pissed me off even more. “Go fuck yourself, porno human. Or is that what you want Ashton to do?”

  Her head swung, dropping to the side slightly. “I’d rather you just go far, far away. We won’t remember you after a short while.” Then her nose widened. “Don’t play with me, young lady. I don’t issue idle threats.”

  “And neither do I. So when I tell you to get the fuck out, I wouldn’t slow down in those pretty heels, old head!”

  NormaJean nodded, lips tight again. But she didn’t say another word. She was smart enough to leave.

  Not able to feel my legs, I fell halfway onto the sofa. I’d never lost my feet. Not even in the ring.

  Ashton: Come by my apartment tonight. I’m almost done packing up.

  Thinking as people passed all around me, coming out of Greener, my eyes swept left and right. I hadn’t seen Ashton since yesterday morning, just before his old head bestie showed up. Her visit still bothered me. It was a pain deeper than it probably should have been. I wanted to talk to him about it. For the first time, I didn’t want to run home mad and afraid. I wanted the mature Ashton I saw at my first tutoring session. No matter what his take would be on me being pregnant, he would be fair. I trusted him.

  Me: okay

  Agreeing to it made me even more nervous. As I walked up the steps to the entrance of my dorm, I could feel my body trembling beneath my skin. Inside the lobby, Andrea was checking her mailbox. When I expected her to speak, saying something that would easily annoy me, her eyes fell and she turned her back to me. That was strange. No hello, especially after I’d had her back in March in Macen Beach. She’d been speaking to me since, so why not today?

  I ignored it, pushing for the elevator. As I waited, I thought about how I’d take a nap for an hour or so before my next class. When I stepped on the elevator, I was sure of my decision. On the ride up, I thought about how I would tell Ashton everything. I’d tell him after I came back from Macen Beach, I couldn’t keep anything on my stomach and went to the health clinic. They gave me a pregnancy test and took bloodwork, trying to cover all bases. I was pregnant, which was scary, considering I’d fought my last fight just a week before.

  I fought pregnant...

  The scary thought made me cringe while waiting to reach my floor. And even scarier was not telling a soul. I did not give permission for the clinic to communicate my visit to the athletic department. I didn’t want Trisha to know. I didn’t tell Samantha, even though she’d told me about her being pregnant. I didn’t want anyone in my head, telling me what to do. Because I always wanted a
baby, I’d been afraid to tell Ashton all this time. No way would he want a baby, going into the League. Ashton wouldn’t want a baby out of wedlock, damn the League.

  The elevator dinged and, tired, I waited to open my eyes. Eventually I pushed myself to step off, needing to pee before crashing.

  My feet stopped. Eyes zooming in on one of the dozens of sheets of printing paper.

  Tori the dog is also Tori the whore. She fucks your man and smiles in your face.

  They were hung up by tape all down the hallway. People were outside of their rooms, reading, waiting, and snickering. When they saw me, a hush fell over the whole floor. Still, I could hear snorting and, “Look!” They didn’t pretend to not have been waiting. All around. The posted papers were on both sides of the hall.

  Stiffly, I kept a quick stride to my room. Storming inside, I couldn’t close the door fast enough. My back and head slammed into it as I fell to my knees, my stomach churning, biggest nightmare settling in.

  “Shit!” I whispered hard, startled by Samantha standing over her bed.

  “She was here, as I’m sure you know.”

  “Aivery?”

  “Of course, Aivery. Why wouldn’t she be? Everyone knows how she is about Ashton, and how Ashton used to be about her.” She stopped stuffing clothes into a suitcase, turning to me with a pinched forehead. “Until last fall when you came here. Is that when you two got started?” My mouth fell open, but no words could be found. “Never mind.” She went back to her clothes. “I don’t want to give you another opportunity to lie to me.”

  “I don’t lie to you.”

  She turned my way, face pale and eyes red. “You don’t, do you? So when I asked you if there was something going on between you and Ashton back in December, before break, your denial wasn’t a lie?”

  This couldn’t be happening. “It wasn’t like that, Samantha.” I stood to my feet, feeling nauseous as hell, nervous juice bubbling in my belly.

  She shook her head. “Don’t waste your breath lying. Aivery came here earlier, spilling everything. You went home with Spencer on Thanksgiving and Christmas break? You spent his birthday with him? So Ashton Spencer is the guy you lost your virginity to, as you so proudly told everyone on Macen Beach. Ashton Spencer, the guy who was practically married to that evil bitch before you came.”

  “Why are you packing?” I tried changing the subject. “Can we sit down and talk?”

  “Oh, now you want to talk? I basically begged you to be honest with me, judgment-free back in December. But cool Tori will never be cracked. I’ve invited you out with my friends, defended you in your face and behind your back. I thought we were, at least, friends!”

  “We are, Samantha! You are my only friend here.” I quickly considered how much of a lie that was.

  All these months, Ashton had been trying to prove to me how he was a true friend. Yeah, I trusted him with my body, but I couldn’t see him as a friend, which led him to the point of taking me to a damn sex club where I could have been arrested and/or had my boxing career jeopardized. “You have always been a good friend to me, Samantha. I’m sorry you don’t feel like you have.” Stupid tears dropped from my eyes.

  It must have been contagious because with one look, Samantha began to cry, too. “Well, finding out that your friend has been fucking the most popular guy on campus under your nose isn’t reassuring. But don’t worry about me. I’m leaving today.”

  I sucked in a breath. “Today? We still have two weeks of classes left.”

  “I’m pregnant, Tori!” she whispered hard. “Did you forget that?”

  “Two weeks!”

  “Dre doesn’t believe it’s his.” That shit dazed me, causing me to take a few steps back. Is that what these college niggas was on? Denying relationships? More tears spilled from her eyes. “Yeah. So, two weeks of being denied by him and harassed by Aivery and her crew doesn’t seem all that appealing to me. Coming back to Blakewood State is off the table for me, too.” She pulled the suitcase from the bed, holding it at her leg.

  “So, you’re going to quit college?”

  “There are other schools. I’ll just have to figure it out.” Samantha opened the door to leave. “My mom will be back to get the rest of my things.”

  When the door closed, once again, I went weak at the knees.

  Chapter Twenty-Five

  -THEN-

  Karmen opened the door.

  “Where is she?” I asked, prepared for her to lie.

  She didn’t. Karm actually opened the door, speechlessly inviting me in. Stepping into the kitchen, I caught the view of a portion of her leg and headed straight into the small common area.

  I ripped into her ass right away. “Who the fuck do you think you are, posting that shit all over Greener?”

  Pettiford jumped from the sofa, unmistakably consoling a swollen-faced Aivery. “Don’t come in here with that bullshit, bro!”

  “Man, fuck you!” I dismissed him. Benjamin tried for a comeback, but I shouted over him, “Why would you post those printouts about that girl like that? Don’t you, Karmen, and Andrea have better shit to do the last two weeks of your undergraduate career?”

  “Andrea ain’t do nothing,” Karmen added behind me. “That two-faced ass bitch!”

  I swung my body around. “If two-faced is the type of bitch she is, then what type are you?” Karmen sucked in a breath as though about to speak, but thought wisely to think again. “Yeah, I didn’t think so. Everybody catching shots out this muthafucka today!” Teeming with violent energy, I turned back to the two clowns.

  Benjamin rounded me, leaving out and slightly disappointing me.

  “Where are you going?” Aivery cried after him.

  He didn’t break his stride when he returned, “I’ll be back.”

  “I wish you’d stay to catch these fake ass tears she dropping. Now, answer me! Why the fuck would you do that shit?”

  “You know why! You cheated on me with that diseased bitch!”

  “No, I didn’t. Try the fuck again!”

  “You did!” She stood, fists balled at her hips. “I know now! I know it all. You tried breaking up with me the day I moved in, and it’s because you were fucking that dog! Even you knew she was trash. You barked at her. You cheat, not with a baddie like me, but with a dog from nowhere New Jersey!”

  “First of all, that dog shit is played out already. She’s a woman. A smart, talented woman.” Aivery’s eyes flashed wide, her palm going to her chest. “And I didn’t even know Tori on the day you moved in.”

  “You fucking liar! Athletes move in before non-athletes. You knew that bitch and had fucked her by the time I’d moved in last semester!” She stabbed me in the chest with her index finger. I snatched my torso out of her range. “But what I want to know is when did you catch feelings for that bitch? Was it after you flew her broke ass home for Thanksgiving, or while you took her home for Christmas?” She popped back with her hands on her hips.

  My head shook slowly, face tightened. “Who told you that?”

  “Oh!” Her head whipped back. “You ready for this? Your porn bitch told me! She called me on the phone this morning and told me everything. She told me about tutoring in your apartment, her sleeping over, the trips to Jersey, and you taking her molded ass virginity on your birthday. Really, Ashton? You took her to see Tyler Thomas then fucked her? How does that even match? You’re falling off big time. I’ve seen it, even told your grandmother, who now agrees. Oh, yeah!” She nodded. “I called her this morning, telling her everything! She told me about the creature you had over for Christmas dinner. The diseased dog, Ashton. Apparently, even NormaJean knows you caught fleas laying down with that fucking canine!” Disgust colored her almond-hued face.

  I was winded. NormaJean? Why the fuck would she do that? And not for a moment did I believe Aivery was lying. I talked to no one else but NormaJean about taking Tori’s virginity on my birthday. But Aivery, in a fit of hysteria, conflated the facts. How could I had taken Tori’s vir
ginity on my birthday if I’d been fucking her since August?

  “A fucking dog?”

  “Yeah.” She moved closer to me. “A fucking dog.”

  Out of nowhere, Pettiford appeared at my side. His eyes were narrowed, locked threateningly on mine.

  “The fuck.” My head jerked back at his fucking audacity. “You want something over here? And I don’t mean her.” I pointed to Aivery. “I mean me. You want something over here?”

  I didn’t see the bat he brought back with him until he lifted it into the air. “Either leave the fuck now, or I’mma bust your shit up.”

  “Oh!” I laughed. You need a bat to do that?”

  “Benji,” Aivery cried. “You’ll be arrested. He’s not worth it.”

  He nodded. “Like I said, leave the fuck now!”

  I pretended to walk off, then turned around and caught him in the face with a jab. His head bounced back and I went in again, hitting him in the eye. Benjamin stumbled backward, falling against the wall. Aivery and Karmen, screaming riotously, grabbed me by the arms thinking I was going to finish him. Little did they know, I wanted to take my time. With fucking anger on overload, I needed this. I had to get his ass back for the fucking evil he had toward me since I stepped foot on this campus. Now, I was violent beyond reason.

  I yanked back, attempting to get out of their grips. Karm lost her balance and, right away, I was able to pivot and catch her fall. Seconds later, I felt a flash of coldness in my leg. Then another on my shoulder.

  Then another.

  That motherfucker caught me with the bat.