Savin' Me (A Heat Wave Novel)

by Alannah Lynne

  Elaina chewed her bottom lip as her brow drew into a sharp V. “He hasn’t been in all morning.” She leaned forward and glanced down the hallway toward the suite of offices. Lowering her voice, she said, “He hasn’t even called. Mr. Monteague has been trying to reach him all morning, but as far as I know, he hasn’t gotten through.”

  Kat’s anger circled the drain as concern set it. Despite her angry crack about him needing to be less of a playboy and focusing more on work, she’d come to realize he was extremely dedicated to his job and doubted this was a common occurrence. “Has he ever not shown up before?”

  Elaina shook her head. “Never.”

  Hard to believe being abandoned at the beach could be a good thing, but Kat had just found the silver lining. Because of needing to leave his car in the driveway, she knew where he lived. “Thanks, Elaina. I’ll go by his house.”

  ***

  Erik jabbed… jabbed… jabbed at the punching bag, but his muscles were exhausted from hours of rigorous exercise, and he didn’t have enough strength left to make the bag move. He wrapped his arms around it and leaned against the heavy mass, relying on its weight to hold him upright.

  Despite the hours of abuse he’d put his body through, he still felt the pain and agony of what he’d done to Kat. Leaving her at the beach had been low. Taking his account away from her was something only the lowest, slimiest, nastiest slug in the puddle would do.

  Between that and going to Lindsey’s grave yesterday, his guilt, shame, and self-loathing had reached new depths. He literally felt like he was drowning in a poisonous well.

  He shoved off the bag and looked over the rest of his home gym, determined to find something that would give him relief from his all-consuming pain. What he found instead was Kat, standing in the doorway watching him.

  He closed then reopened his eyes, making sure he wasn’t hallucinating. Nope, she was still there, with anger and disappointment written all over her face.

  The sight of her amplified his ache to the point he felt ripped inside out.

  He pulled off the boxing gloves and dropped them to the floor. Grabbing a towel, he wiped the sweat from his face and neck, then grabbed a bottle of water. He was having a hard time catching his breath and gathering his thoughts, so he decided to address the fuck-ups in sequential order. “I’m sorry for leaving you at the beach.” He swiped at his forehead again and dropped his head in shame. “It was a horrible thing to do.”

  “That’s okay. Kevin was more than willing to drive me home.”

  He squeezed his water bottle so hard water gushed out of the open spout and over his fingers. Ignoring the liquid dripping from his knuckles, he flipped his gaze to her and saw a crack of a smile. Despite his anguish, he couldn’t help but smile back at the teasing. “I had that coming.”

  “Yeah, you did.” She moved into the weight room and glanced around. After taking stock of the machines and playing around with a few of the weights, she turned to face him. She crossed her arms over her chest and studied him with an odd combination of anger and compassion. “Why did you leave me like that?” She laughed without humor. “Gee, I guess I had it coming too, since you had to ask me that same question once.” She swallowed hard and storm clouds filled her eyes. “But what I really want to know is why you yanked your account away from me. You promised my going to the beach wouldn’t affect our working relationship.”

  He dropped onto a weight bench, propped his elbows on his knees, and let his hands fall loosely between his legs. He owed her the truth, but he couldn’t bear to look at her. The disappointment in her eyes was more than he could handle.

  Staring at a fleck on the tile floor, he said, “Let’s start with the first one. I’m a self-absorbed prick. I needed time and space to think. It was four o’clock in the morning. I’d been awake all night, and I wasn’t thinking clearly.” He shook his head, utterly disgusted with himself. “As for the business side of it… I can’t sit through meetings with you and not go crazy. Or cave in and beg you to give me another chance. I’m no good for you. I’ll only end up hurting you… or worse. But I couldn’t look you in the eyes and say it, so I took the coward’s way out. All the way around, I took the coward’s way out.”

  “What happened to Lindsey?”

  The sound of her name on Kat’s lips snapped his head up. “How do you know about Lindsey?”

  Gently, as if approaching a wild animal, she moved across the room and knelt in front of him. “You said you’d been almost-engaged once. While trying to explain what a tough time you were having and why you’d left, Kevin mentioned her name. I put together that Lindsey must have been the one you were going to marry. But neither Steve nor Kevin would give me any details about what happened.” Her voice didn’t carry any accusation or incrimination, only soft compassion and concern.

  He took a deep breath and squeezed his eyes shut, blocking the past as well as Kat’s tenderness. He didn’t want her compassion, or he’d never be able to keep her at a distance.

  “Erik, I’m not leaving until we’ve hashed this out. And I might not leave even then. I love you.”

  He swallowed the compulsion to echo the words. He loved her more than she’d ever know, but he couldn’t allow her to think there was a future for them when he’d never allow it.

  “Tell me what happened to Lindsey.”

  He shook his head side to side in jerky movements. “No.”

  “Steve said you’d grown comfortable living in your own personal hell over the past ten years. Well, guess what? I’ve waded in, I’m standing neck deep in it with you, and I’m not leaving without you.”

  Shame stroked his skin like an old lover. “There’s no savin’ me, Kat. I don’t deserve to be saved.”

  She shifted around and he thought she would stand, but instead, she flopped down on her ass and got comfortable. “I’m not going away.”

  “Jesus Christ.” Frustration ripped out of him with the words. “You’re determined to hear this, aren’t you?”

  “Yes.”

  He pushed to his feet and paced back and forth, while she calmly watched him stomp around the room like an angry bull. She was as stubborn as him, and if the situation had been reversed, he wouldn’t leave either. He didn’t want her to know about his past, but getting it all out might be the best thing. After hearing his story, she’d probably run from the room and out of his life without ever looking back.

  “Lindsey and I started dating our sophomore year of college. We dated for two years, and in all that time, I never brought her home with me. Or introduced her to my family. It didn’t matter in the beginning, but as time went on, she started pressuring me about it.”

  He absently punched at the punching bag. “I’d gone home with her several times, and her family was wonderful. They were kind and accepting and as good of people as you could ever meet. Nothing like my family.”

  Bitter resentment rose as the words flowed. “I knew my pretentious, arrogant-bitch mother would never approve of Lindsey because her family was poor. She would’ve gone out of her way to make Lindsey uncomfortable. In my mother’s mind, Lindsey would’ve been on the same level as a servant. Not one of the family.”

  He stared off into space, remembering his thought processes and how he thought he could make it all work out. “I had the ridiculous notion that once we were engaged, or married, my mother would be more accepting. She’d see I loved Lindsey, and she wouldn’t be so quick to point out the socioeconomic differences, because at that point, Lindsey would’ve been one of us.”

  He rubbed his chest, trying to alleviate the burning tension and ache, but it only intensified. Taking a deep breath, he forced himself to continue. “I had the engagement ring and planned to propose on Saturday. But on Thursday, I had to come home for a family meeting. Since it was just one night, and she didn’t have class on Friday, Lindsey wanted to come too.

  “I tried to tactfully explain how different her mother was from mine. My mother is judgmental and not accepting li
ke hers. But she was too kindhearted to understand. Out of frustration, I blurted it all out in plain terms. My mother wouldn’t think she was good enough for our family, and I didn’t want to subject her to that.”

  He ground his palms against his eyes, trying to wipe away the image of Lindsey’s crushed expression. “I wanted to protect her, but she didn’t see it that way. She thought I was ashamed of her.”

  He rested his forehead against the window and stared at the river. Tears of shame and regret burned the back of his eyes, and for the first time in ten years, he couldn’t stop them. “We had a huge fight… She left my apartment, hurt and angry. I was angry that she’d been difficult. But mostly, I was furious with myself for hurting her.”

  His sharp exhale fogged the glass, and he absently swiped his fingers through the moisture, wishing the past could be so easily erased. “I decided to take her home with me and protect her the best I could from my mother. I was determined to make her understand… it wasn’t that she wasn’t good enough. In reality, my family wasn’t good enough for her.

  “She didn’t have a cell phone, so I got in my car and went after her.” Tremors began in his fingers, then climbed his arms and spread through his body as he recalled the events in clear, horrifying detail. His throat closed, and he had to force the words past the blockage. “She ran a red light… I got there moments after the accident happened. People were rushing to her car, trying to help. The driver’s side door had been hit, and we couldn’t get to her.”

  He looked at the scars on his palms. “I shredded my hands trying to rip through the metal… but I couldn’t get to her… There was nothing I could do. The paramedics said she died on impact, and it wouldn’t have made a difference. But it would have… She wouldn’t have been in that car alone.”

  ***

  Kat felt Erik’s pain in every fiber of her being. She swiped her tears away and stifled a sob. She wanted to go to him, to hold him, and take away some of his pain. But she couldn’t do any of that for him. He’d stuffed this down for too long, and he needed to work through it on his own terms.

  Anger and outrage marred his handsome face as he turned to face her. “I allowed her to die thinking she wasn’t good enough. Nothing could have been further from the truth. I, obviously, wasn’t good enough for her. When I asked her dad’s permission to marry her, I promised him I would take care of her. I failed in every possible way.”

  Unable to allow this faulty thinking to continue, Kat stood and closed the gap between them. “The accident wasn’t your fault. She drove the car. She ran the red light.” She stroked away her tears, then cupped his jaw in her palm, forcing him to look at her. “It was a horrible tragedy, but it wasn’t your fault.”

  “Not taking her home with me. Allowing her to think, even for a second, that she wasn’t good enough… that was my fault. And that’s what caused the accident.” Renewed determination set in as he yanked his head away from her hand. “I will never risk doing that to anyone again. Especially not you.” He picked up his water bottle and tossed the towel over his shoulder. Looking at her with a mixture of regret and determination, he said, “You know the way out.”

  Chapter Fifteen

  Erik fought back an anguished howl as he watched Kat circle around the driveway and leave his property.

  Dammit, sending her away was the right thing.

  So why did it feel like his heart had been ripped from his chest while his soul collapsed?

  The sound of the ringing phone pulled his attention away from the window. His dad, along with everyone else at the plant, must be wondering where he was, so he gave in to the incessant ringing and snatched up the receiver. “What?”

  “Son? Are you all right?”

  He ground his teeth together and bit back a snide remark. No, he wasn’t all right. He’d never be all right again. But that wasn’t his dad’s fault, and there wasn’t any need to take it out on him. Squelching his frustrations, he said, “I’m fine. I just had some stuff to do this morning. I need to shower, then I’ll be there.”

  “Okay, good. When you come in, bring my golf clubs. I’ve got a game scheduled tomorrow.”

  “Will do.”

  He disconnected the call and headed for a much needed shower. While standing under the pulsating spray for what seemed like hours, he wished the water could also wash away all of his life’s ugliness. That of the past ten years. And especially that of the past two days.

  While his on-demand water heater would allow him to stay in the shower forever without running out of hot water, he couldn’t hide in the tile enclosure forever. It was time to man up and face the rest of the godforsaken day.

  Kat and Steve had left Erik’s car in the driveway with the key under the mat, so he cut through the garage, grabbed his dad’s clubs, and exited the side door. He pushed the button on his key fob to pop the trunk, and as it lifted, a flash of pink caught his attention. The sight of Kat’s boogie board set off a barrage of memories that acted like an electrical shock, stopping his breath and short-circuiting his heart.

  Kat wading into the ocean in running clothes, laughing and splashing with the kids.

  Kat good-naturedly throwing back shots with his friends after losing in cards.

  The pleasure on her face and the look in her eye when they…

  Made love?

  Yeah, that’s exactly what it had been. Even though she hadn’t said I love you until today, their connection had grown hotter and stronger until the words hadn’t been necessary. He’d seen it in her eyes and it terrified him, because it forced him to acknowledge that he loved her too.

  And the way he felt now was how he’d feel if something tragic happened to her. He felt a breath away from dying himself, and the reality of the situation rocked him. He wasn’t being chivalrous and saving Kat from himself, although he used the bullshit excuse that she was better off without him. In truth, he was protecting himself from the risk of once again suffering a devastating loss.

  And doing a piss-poor job of saving either of them. Shit, all he’d done was pile grief onto both of them.

  Love had risk associated with it. But it didn’t have to turn out badly. For all he knew, he and Kat might have seventy years of bliss ahead of them.

  Jesus, he was a fucking idiot.

  Could she ever forgive him? That seemed like a tall order, even for someone as big hearted and loving as Kat, but he had to give it a try.

  However, before he could move fully forward with his life—one that hopefully included Kat—he had to forgive himself for the past. He dumped the clubs in the trunk of his car, then ran back inside. He had a call to make.

  ***

  After talking with Lindsey’s parents for an hour, Erik felt like he’d been drug across the Atlantic behind a freighter. He shed ten years’ worth of tears and purged the deep regret he harbored. He told her parents about Kat and all the ways she reminded him of Lindsey. The important ways, like her big heart, compassionate nature, and ability to see beyond people’s faults and love them anyway.

  And he promised to introduce them to Kat as soon as he worked this whole mess out.

  After a quick call to his dad to say he wasn’t going to make it to work after all, he ran down the pier, jumped on his boat, and headed across the river.

  As he crossed the street to SMG, Rusty exited the front door. Seeing Erik, he stopped on the steps and waited. “You all right?”

  Erik smiled. He must look like hell, but on the inside, he couldn’t remember being better. “Yeah, I am. But I’ll be even better after I see Kat.” He started to pass Rusty on the steps, then paused and said, “Oh… you’re fired. I want Kat back.”

  His laughter and elevated mood died when Rusty said, “She’s not here. And you can’t have her back; she quit.”

  “What?” He backed down the step to stand even with Rusty.

  Rusty shrugged. “I told her I wouldn’t accept her resignation in the heat of the moment, but I’m not counting on a change of heart. Betwee
n you and Elise, I think she’s done.”

  Erik scrubbed a hand over his head. “I fucked up. I know it. But I’m here to apologize and make things right. Both personally and professionally…” The sentence died off as Rusty’s words sank in “What did Elise do?”

  “Same old bullshit.” He threw up a hand and shook his head. “I don’t want to talk about it. And you need to find Kat. Last I saw her, she was headed off to find you.” He shrugged. “I haven’t seen her since, so I’d check her house.”

  After ringing the doorbell and knocking several times, Erik decided Kat’s house was too still for her to be home. But her car was in the lot, so where could she be?

  Running.

  One thing he learned about her over the weekend was that she ran when stressed. And thanks to the way he treated her, her stress level was probably pretty damned high. He took a seat on the deck overlooking the waterfront and got comfy. He didn’t care how long he had to wait; he wasn’t going anywhere until he had the chance to apologize.

  Thirty minutes later, he saw a lone figure jogging along the narrow road paralleling the river. He could tell she’d been running a long time by her labored strides and slow pace, and he wished for the hundredth time today he could kick his own ass.

  With each step she took, his doubt grew stronger. What if she wouldn’t forgive him for being an asshole? What if he hurt her so badly she couldn’t forgive him?

  He brushed the doubt aside, refusing to accept the negative thoughts. Hoping to shake off his explosive nervous energy, he paced back and forth on her deck and watched her draw near.

  She ran facing traffic, and several cars were coming from behind. He checked his watch and noted the high school had just let out, which explained the heavy traffic on this normally sparsely traveled road.

  Suddenly, a dog ran out from the brush. It barked at Kat and ran across the road, chasing her. The lead car slammed on brakes and avoided hitting the dog. But the second car in line didn’t brake, and instead, swerved to keep from rear-ending the car in front.