Second Goal

by Seabrook, C. M.

  “I don’t want to leave you.”

  “And I don’t need you worrying about me.” I toss the words at him. But I know the truth now. I do need him. More than I’ve ever needed anyone.

  His eye twitches and he opens his mouth, then shuts it, back teeth clenching. “God, you’re so stubborn.”

  My palms go to his chest and I push him away. “Because I don’t want to be someone’s project? I don’t want you to protect me. I want you to—” I want him to love me. But it’s a stupid fantasy.

  He places a hand on the bathroom door before I can shut it on him. “I do.”

  I blink up at him. “What?”

  “I do...” He swallows, pressing a hand against my cheek. “Can that just be enough right now? Let’s just deal with the shit in front of us first.” Again, the fear in his eyes is unmistakable.

  I nod.

  His lips brush against mine. “You terrify me, Kiley.”

  “I know,” I whisper.

  But what terrifies me the most is that I think he’s more scared of loving me, than losing me.

  Chapter Fifteen

  Blake

  In the seat beside me, Kane glares at my knee as it bobs up and down rapidly. It’s been the longest three-hour flight of my life.

  “Knock it off,” Kane growls, hand slamming down on my leg. “You’re giving me anxiety just looking at you.”

  “She hasn’t returned my calls,” I say as the plane starts to descend. Two damn days and all I’ve gotten from Kiley is one lousy text telling me the dogs are fine.

  I know she’s upset with me. And I’m not a complete idiot that I don’t know why.

  “I spoke with Brynne this morning, and Kiley was with her. She’s fine.”

  It does nothing to ease my anxiety.

  “You two fighting?” Kane asks.

  “I don’t know what we are. She...” I wince and look out the small window as the city starts to get closer. “She told me she loved me.”

  “And?”

  “And I was too much of a coward to say it back.”

  Kane grunts. “I get why she’s avoiding you.”

  “I don’t know if I can give her what she needs—”

  “Bullshit. Everything you do, you put your whole heart into. Notice I didn’t ask if you love her? Because I know you do.”

  “I do,” I say, sighing. “But it’s more complicated than just loving her.”

  “You think love is ever anything but complicated?”

  I know he’s referring to his own battle to win Brynne’s love.

  “It’s not Kiley’s baggage that’s holding me back. It’s my own. The thought of giving my whole heart to her, then losing her, terrifies me. I’m not sure I’d survive it.”

  “Tell her that.”

  I rub the back of my neck, knowing he’s right.

  The plane bounces as we touch down. When I turn my phone off airplane mode, it starts buzzing with an incoming call. The name that pops up is the private investigator I hired.

  “Carl,” I say when I answer. “What do you have for me? And tell me it’s good news.”

  “I checked into the death of that guy you asked about. It wasn’t easy. The date you gave me was wrong. And there wasn’t any foul play. He was just a junkie—”

  “What are you saying, he wasn’t...” I lower my voice. “Murdered?”

  Kane looks over at me, frowning.

  “No. Report said he overdosed on heroin, on October fifth—”

  “You’re sure that’s the right date?”

  “Yeah. I have it all here in front of me.”

  It doesn’t make sense. The guy died two weeks after Kiley said she struck him. That means she wasn’t responsible. She didn’t kill him.

  “I sent you all the info in an email.” Carl hesitates, and I sense the but coming. “There was something else.”

  The guys around us are starting to shift in their seats, standing and grabbing their carry-ons from the overhead compartments as the plane parks in the terminal, but Kane is beside me, waiting with brows furrowed.

  “Tell me,” I say.

  Carl clears his throat. “You asked me to do some digging into your girl’s past.”

  “It’s fine,” I tell him. “I know everything now.”

  “You sure about that?”

  That knot in my chest starts to form again, because I can hear in his tone that whatever he’s about to tell me isn’t good news. A part of my brain warns me to not dig deeper. But that other part, the part that’s terrified of being lied to again, demands to know the truth.

  “Okay,” I say cautiously.

  “I didn’t find much at first. She doesn’t have any criminal records. But she was into some bad shit. Drugs, prostitution—”

  “No.” I almost laugh at the absurdity of his statement.

  “I know it’s not what you want to hear, but—”

  “You’re wrong,” I growl out, making a few heads turn in my direction.

  “What?” Kane mouths.

  I put a hand up and shake my head.

  “I’m just reporting what I found. You asked me to look into her past, so I talked to people who knew her.”

  I don’t believe a word he says. I know Kiley. She barely drinks, and she doesn’t do drugs. And my stomach rolls, bile rising in my throat at the suggestion that she ever sold her body for money.

  “I’ve got medical records too,” the guy keeps talking. “Have her ID’d at more than a dozen methadone clinics over the years. I sent you the reports—”

  I hang up, not wanting to hear another word, but when I open the document he sent me, I flip through medical records with Kiley’s name on it, some from this year.

  “What the fuck?”

  “What’s wrong?” Kane asks.

  My mind races, trying to put the pieces together, knowing there has to be an explanation for what Carl found, but unable to come up with any.

  I stand and grab my carry-on from the overhead bin. “Kiley didn’t kill that guy. He died of a drug overdose.”

  “That’s good news.”

  “Yeah.” It is, but... she was into some bad shit. Drugs, prostitution, Carl’s words race through my head.

  “You’re upset about something. What else did he say?” Kane demands.

  “Nothing,” I lie.

  Kane’s eyes narrow, but I don’t give him a chance to ask more questions. I have some questions of my own. Questions that need to be answered.

  Chapter Sixteen

  Kiley

  Snowflakes stick to my hair and Pax’s fur as we walk down the sidewalk. I’d promised Blake that I wouldn’t leave the apartment, and I haven't, except to take Pax for his daily walks. I don’t go far, only a couple blocks, letting Pax do his business, then turning and heading back.

  And Brynne is with me, pushing Noah in the stroller, and talking about the art exhibit she has coming up.

  “What do you think?” she asks.

  “I...” Have no idea what the question was. I’d only been half listening, unable to control the mess of thoughts and emotions that are so tangled inside my head I can’t grasp just one, let alone make sense of them. “Sorry,” I mumble.

  “I know you’re worried. But Kane and Blake are going to make sure you’re all right. Everything is going to be okay, you’ll see.”

  I wish I could share her optimism. But I know this isn’t over. Even if the big shot lawyers Blake hired can clear my name, Cruz will find a way to come after me. And if he can’t get to me, I’m worried he’ll take his anger out on Amy.

  And then there’s Blake.

  I’d promised myself and him that I wouldn’t run. And I won’t.

  You’ll just hide, that voice in my head reprimands. And I know that’s what I’ve been doing the past couple of days. I’ve been avoiding his calls. Not because I’m angry. I don’t really know what I feel - except confused.

  I love him. More than I ever thought possible. But he still doesn’t trust me. And I’m not
sure he ever will.

  “The guys are going to be home soon,” Brynne says, checking her phone. “How about you and Blake join us for dinner tonight? You can help me go through the listings our real estate agent sent us.”

  “You’re moving?”

  She places a hand on her stomach. “The apartment is already crowded. And I’d like something a little outside of the city, with a fenced-in yard, and—”

  “You’re moving to the suburbs?”

  “Scandalous, I know,” she says, chuckling. “But I think it’ll be a good change.”

  I force a smile and try to be happy for her, but I’ll miss not seeing her every day.

  “Don’t worry,” she says as we approach the apartment and the doorman opens the door for us. “I’ll make sure you have your own room to come and visit whenever you want.”

  “I love you,” I tell her, emotions building in my chest. It’s the first time I’ve said those words to her.

  Her eyes brighten and she loops her arm with mine. “I love you, too, Kiley.”

  I didn’t realize how much I needed to hear those words until she said them back. And I squeeze her a little too hard before getting off on my floor.

  “Dinner’s at six,” she says, and I nod before the elevator doors close on her.

  Pax tugs on the leash until we get inside Blake’s apartment, those big brown eyes begging me to feed him. I chuckle when he sits by the pantry where his food is and starts to whimper.

  “It’s not time yet,” I tell him.

  As if sensing the possibility of me caving, Lady comes out of her hiding spot, and lies on the floor next to Pax, joining in the begging. I pull out a box of treats and give them each one, even though I’ve already given them both a biscuit today.

  “It’s our secret, okay?” I tell Pax when I hand him a second.

  “What secret?”

  I jump a little, and when I turn, I see Blake standing in the entranceway, frowning. Pax rushes to him, and Blake gives him a quick pet before directing his attention back on me. I can’t interpret his mood, but I see something in his eyes that has the hairs on the back of my neck standing on end - suspicion.

  “What’s wrong?”

  “Where were you?” He nods at my jacket.

  “I took Pax for a quick walk—”

  “You weren’t supposed to leave the apartment.”

  “Brynne was with me,” I say, a knot forming in my throat. “Why the inquisition?”

  “You really have to ask that?” His eyes narrow.

  Frustration builds inside me, mixed with the first bubbling of anger. “I get that you don’t trust me. But if you didn’t want me to leave the apartment, then you should have had someone come over to take Pax out.”

  “I did.”

  “Well, they didn’t show up,” I spit out, causing Lady to whimper and retreat to the living room. “I don’t know why you’re attacking me, but I have better things to do—”

  “Like what, Kiley?” Again, that suspicion is clear in his eyes. “What do you have to do?”

  “What are you accusing me of?”

  “Explain this.” He pulls out his phone and scrolls through his emails, then twists it around so I can see the messages.

  “Explain what?” I cross my arms over my chest, not bothering to read the small print on the screen.

  “Read it,” he demands, handing me the phone.

  I sigh heavily before taking it. I start to scroll through the files, not sure what I’m reading, until I see my name. Every sentence I read, my body gets heavier, and ice fills my veins.

  “What... what is this?”

  “That’s what I want to know.”

  I blink up at him, realizing that he’s not asking for an explanation, he’s accusing me of the hideous things on the files. “You think...” I swallow. “You think this is me?”

  “It’s your name, Kiley. What am I supposed to think?”

  My hands are shaking when I put his phone down on the counter, turning my back to him.

  “I need the truth. All of it.”

  My voice is a whisper when I say, “I told you everything.”

  “The truth, Kiley.”

  Don’t cry, my head warns. But tears already burn the back of my eyes. I take a steadying breath and crawl inside the numbness that’s been my greatest friend over the years. Don’t feel. Don’t feel. Don’t feel.

  But it doesn’t work. Not this time. I feel Blake’s accusations like a million knife wounds to my chest.

  “Where did you get this?” I ask him.

  “It doesn’t matter. What matters is you telling me why your name is on file at a methadone clinic six months ago.”

  I turn slowly, meeting his gaze. But I don’t shrink under the intensity of it. “I don’t know.”

  He takes a step toward me, and there’s no tenderness in his expression, just a hardness that confirms my biggest fear - he’ll never trust me.

  Frustration and anger sizzle out, and finally, the numbing relief fills me. I close my eyes, accepting the solace of not feeling.

  “I don’t blame you for not believing me. I mean, I’m a murderer, so why wouldn’t I be all those other things you’re accusing me of.”

  “I’m not accusing you—”

  “Yes, you are.”

  “I’m just trying to understand, Kiley.” He reaches for me, and I step away.

  “How? By tracking my phone and having someone dig into my past? Do you think that’s normal?”

  “If you’d just been honest with me from the start—”

  “It’s my life. Mine. Not yours. You think you’re some knight in shining armor protecting me. But the only reason you’re doing any of this is because you’re scared.”

  “You’re right, I’m scared,” he yells. “I’m scared of losing you.”

  Silence stretches between us, our ragged breaths the only sound filling the tense space between us.

  “You’ve already lost me,” I say softly. Knowing I have to walk away. For both of us. I can’t be with someone who doesn’t trust me. Someone who’ll never love me as much as I love him.

  “Kiley—”

  I put my hand up when he starts to move closer. “Don’t.”

  He ignores my protest, removing the distance between us. Reaching out and places a hand on my cheek, and for a moment, I don’t draw away. It’s so easy to fall into him, to accept the strength he offers. But that’s all he can give me.

  “All I’ve ever done is try to protect you.”

  My palm rests on his chest, and I hold his gaze. “But who’s going to protect me from you?”

  “I would never hurt you.”

  “You just did.”

  Blake sucks in a breath. “Kiley, I—”

  “I need some space.” I pull away and start for the door.

  “You didn’t kill Ezra.”

  My footsteps falter. “What?”

  “The PI I hired, he looked at the medical records. The man died weeks after you hit him, and not from the blow to his head. He died of an overdose.”

  “You’re sure?”

  “Yes. Cruz has nothing on you.”

  I let out a shaky breath as I try to digest the new information. “I didn’t kill him.”

  “No.” Blake’s hands rest on my shoulders. “Which means we can go to the police and you can put a restraining order on Cruz. He can’t hurt you—”

  “But he can still hurt Amy.”

  He moves toward me. “What do you want me to do?”

  I want him to pull me into his arms and hold me. But I know that’s not what I need now. I need space to figure this all out.

  “Let me walk away,” I say quietly, even though it goes against everything I want.

  “Kiley—”

  “I can’t be with someone who thinks the worst of me.”

  “You’re wrong. I... fuck.” He drags his hands through his hair making it stand on end. “I love you, Kiley.”

  I’ve wanted to hear those w
ords from him for so long, but somehow they feel wrong right now.

  “You can’t love someone you don’t trust. Tell me you trust me, and I’ll stay.”

  I see the resignation in his eyes. “I’m trying,” he mutters. “But you’re wrong. I do love you, Kiley. More than I’ve ever loved anyone.”

  I wish it were enough. Maybe a couple weeks ago it would have been. But I need more. Deserve more.

  “I love you too, Blake. But—”

  He pulls me into his arms, and even though I want to fight him, I know I can’t. His lips press against the top of my head, and when I rest my cheek against his chest, I can feel his heart beating erratically.

  “Don’t leave,” he begs, cupping my jaw. “I know I fucked up tonight. I reacted emotionally.” His thumb rubs across my bottom lip, and I see the panic in his eyes when he forces me to look at him. “And I’m sorry if it sounded like I was accusing you.”

  “You tracked my phone and hired a PI to dig up information on me. I know that you think you were protecting me, but it just proves that you don’t trust me.”

  “Forgive me,” he mutters, forehead resting against mine and lacing our fingers together, he kisses my knuckles.

  It’s not about forgiveness. Because I know I can’t fault him for any of his actions. We’re both reacting in the way our natures demand. Him, possessive and controlling. Me, guarded and numb.

  “Maybe we’re both too broken,” I tell him.

  “Then we help each other heal.”

  I want to believe him. He’s already healed me in so many ways. But seeing the suspicion in his eyes when he’d come into the apartment tonight, it’d felt like he’d taken a sledgehammer to my heart.

  And the new information that buzzes through my brain is making everything feel distorted. I should feel relieved that I didn’t kill Ezra. And I do. But I’m more confused than ever.

  I pull back. “I just... I need space.”

  Blake’s nostrils flare and the muscles in his jaw bounce, but he nods and slowly releases me. “Okay.”

  I can see the war in his eyes. He wants to argue with me. And there’s a part of me that wants him to fight. But as I walk away, I know it’s what I have to do. Because I need a man who doesn’t just love me but also trusts me.