In Sickness: Stories From a Very Dark Place

by L. L. Soares

  The loathing was so strong; it felt like a solid thing. A steel obelisk, the point piercing her heart. She saw it clearly in her mind, looking like a picture of the sacred heart of Jesus with little drops of blood coming out. She wished she was one of those practical people with very little imagination who discussed stuff like statistics and talked about the best way to weatherproof your home. Her imagination was killing her.

  What a great thing, to have an imagination. Hahahahahaha. Yeah, escape into your imagination! How about, escape from your imagination? From the things that aren't real, that aren't happening, that are manufactured inside your head but seem like they're real because your imagination tells you so.

  Without imagination, Maddy could open that front door and walk outside without shaking, without her heart beating faster, with her breathing relaxed and easy. No more seeing pig-faced kids. She could make love to Zach again, not shudder when he put his hand on her skin, afraid of getting pregnant again. How could she tell him that she blamed part of what happened on his dick, that the thought of him inside her repulsed her? She knew it was irrational, and there were ways to prevent pregnancy, but that didn't stop her from feeling how she did.

  In a weird way, she couldn't blame him for seeking the comfort of whores like Carol Anne, but she also resented it. They had a marriage vow, after all. If she was unable to make love to him, then he shouldn't be fucking around with someone else. She knew she wanted it both ways, but that didn't matter. It wasn't like she had all that much in the world. She wanted to hold on to what little she had.

  * * *

  "I told you not to bother me at work," Zach said. He was sitting behind the desk in one of the cubicles he'd recently completed. He'd hoped to hide for a bit and get some time to himself, but Carol Anne had found him.

  "We need to talk, Zach."

  "I'm working. Who let you in here, anyway?"

  "You don't answer my calls, anymore. And that crazy wife of yours has been calling me with more prank calls."

  "I'll talk to her."

  "Look, can we talk outside in the parking lot? I was hoping to have some privacy."

  "I didn't return your calls because I wanted to cool things off for a while. It was all getting too complicated. I need a break."

  "Look, I didn't want to say anything until I was sure, but I just came from the doctor's. I'm pregnant," she said softly. "Do you want me to say it louder?"

  "No, let's go outside."

  He got up and followed her down the hall. The other guys watched them, no doubt wondering what was up. Carol Anne had only come to his job once before, when they first started seeing each other, and he'd made it quite clear to her then that he didn't want any personal stuff spilling over onto his job.

  Out in the parking lot, she lit a cigarette.

  "Maybe you shouldn't be doing that if you're pregnant."

  She looked cross. "You picked a helluva time to stop calling me, Zach. I've been going out of my mind."

  "Why? If it bothers you that much, just get rid of it."

  "Just get rid of it?" she said, her voice getting louder. "It's not that easy. And if you think I'd do that, then you just don't know me at all. I could never do something like that. I'm keeping this baby. I want it."

  "You're getting hysterical," Zach said. "Calm down."

  "What are you going to do about it, Zach?"

  "You mean child support?"

  "I mean everything. Are you finally going to leave that bitch and make a real family for yourself? I'm going to give you something that she never could. I want to give you a second chance at life, Zach. You can't just dismiss this like it's nothing."

  "It's a lot to process," he said. "You've got to give me time to think about it."

  "I won't give you too much time," she said. "And I won't have you ignoring me. We used to be so happy together; why would you toss that all away? Especially now! I was hoping you'd be overjoyed, Zach. You've wanted a child for a long time, haven't you?"

  He didn't answer her. Then he said, "Maddy's wanted a child for a long time. It's not her fault about the miscarriages."

  "I don't mean to sound so mean," she said. "I know she's been through a lot. But she's just dragging you down, Zach. It's not your fault either, but you're letting her keep you in Hell because of it. It's time you moved on and tried to be happy for once in your life."

  "I've got to talk to her," Zach said. "Alone. I've got to try to explain it all to her."

  "Tonight," she said. "It can't wait, Zach."

  "Yeah, tonight."

  "I've got to go now," Carol Anne said. "But I really want you to think about this. I want you to give me a call later on tonight, after you've talked to her. It doesn't matter how late it is. I really need to hear your voice tonight and know that we're going to stay together, for the baby's sake."

  "I'll call you," he said. She made no attempt to kiss him before she left. He could tell she was angry, that this hadn't gone at all the way she'd wanted it to. His reaction had clearly disappointed her. But what could he do? This came out of nowhere. He wasn't prepared.

  Zach watched her as she walked to her car and drove away. He stood there awhile before he went inside to get back to work.

  * * *

  I can't leave Maddy, Zach thought as he drove home. But now, I've got a responsibility to Carol Anne, too. How am I going to handle this?

  It was already dark. He'd stopped by Horatio's on the way home to get a bite to eat. He knew that there wouldn't be any food in the house. Maddy couldn't go out and get groceries, and he just didn't have the time, lately. He got her a fresh fifth of vodka, though. There was a package store next door to Horatio's. He knew she'd like that. He wanted her in a good mood when he told her the news.

  * * *

  He stood behind the refrigerator, too shy to look up from the floor to meet Maddy's eye. He was a tiny little thing, much smaller than the other two. He seemed much gentler than the bigger piggies. A sweet wee thing, like Wilbur in Charlotte's Web. The runt of the litter.

  The two bigger piggies made faces at him and called him names. So there had been a third. Maddy always wondered about that. She didn't go to the doctor about that one, wasn't even completely sure that last time she'd even been pregnant. She got opposite readings both times she took the test and read later that could happen sometimes with miscarriages. Zach begged her to see a doctor about it. He was worried about her getting an infection, but, by then, she wasn't even able to step outside the front door to pick up the newspaper the boy threw into the azaleas.

  "Of course, you're so much littler," Maddy said to him. "You left so much earlier than the other two and then you came back a lot later."

  The boy was shaking. Maddy wondered if that was what she looked like when she stepped outside. She hated the other two, but she liked him. That surprised her because she'd never liked any of them when she carried them. Each time she got pregnant, Maddy felt panic and then disgust for the new life forming inside of her. She couldn't admit it until now. It was such a relief to not have to lie to herself anymore.

  Secretly, she hoped that each one would go away and each time they did. It made her feel so horribly guilty. The nurses suggested that it might help if she named her children, but she didn't want to, didn't want to name any of them. But this little one, huddled by the fridge as the two older ones taunted him. This one, she wanted to name.

  Wilbur, she thought, I guess. Runt of the litter. She shooed the other two away. It was the first time she ever took charge with them and they seemed startled and obeyed her. She bent down and put her arms around the trembling boy. Lifted up his face. There were tears in his eyes.

  "Did I do this to you?" she asked, fearful that she'd willed him dead.

  Wilbur shook his head.

  The two bigger ones ran back over. They were bold again.

  "Guess who did this to us, Mommy!" the girl yelled.

  "Guess, guess!" the boy shouted, dancing.

  "Me?" Maddy asked. She co
uld feel the tears falling down her hot cheeks.

  "Nope," said the boy.

  "Nope," the girl repeated.

  "No," Wilbur said, so softly he could barely be heard.

  "I'm so sorry," Maddy said.

  "Mommy, you're stupid," the girl child said.

  "Mommy's dumb," said the boy.

  Their saying that made Maddy so angry. She hated it when they taunted her.

  "Leave," Maddy said firmly. "Get out of my house. Get out!"

  The bigger piggies looked at each other. They turned their backs on her and held their hands out for Wilbur to grab. Then the three of them disappeared.

  Are they gone for good? Is that all I had to do? Maddy wondered. If that was true, it was kind of embarrassing. She remembered the voice warning her to leave Blue Clay. Was that her voice too? With the piggies gone, was there anything else to be afraid of? She looked out the kitchen window, into the back yard. Yeah, she thought.

  It was only after going to that group for women who'd had miscarriages that she'd started being afraid of going outside. Those six women sitting in the plastic orange chairs, pouring their hearts out about how sad they were that their babies died. Saying how they'd give anything to hold their own child in their arms and her sitting there like Judas at the Last Supper and not understanding anything they said but feeling bad for them all the same, feeling that there was something wrong with her for not feeling that way. She was a bad, bad evil woman. An unnatural woman who killed her babies by wishing them gone.

  And after the meeting, the first and only one she attended, she rushed home crying. Zach thought it was because it had been so painful. She'd never told him how she really felt about having kids. She never thought she could tell him. Maddy was afraid if she told Zach, he'd leave her. She hadn't gone outside again since that day. The few times she'd tried, she'd gotten sick. Finally, she just gave up and resigned herself to it.

  It seemed like a fitting punishment for a woman who didn't want her own babies.

  * * *

  When Zach got home, Maddy's mood was better than it had been in weeks. She was actually doing things around the house, singing, but he knew from experience that these things never lasted. Her disposition could turn sour at the drop of a hat, but he was so surprised to see her this way that, for a moment, he thought he'd traveled back in time to the early days of their marriage, and here was the old Maddy again.

  "Hi Zach," she said. "I'm sorry there's not much to eat. We're getting kind of low on groceries."

  "Tomorrow's Saturday," he said. "I'll go get us a bunch of stuff. Besides, I already ate. I hope you found something for yourself. Oh, and here." He handed her the bag with the bottle of vodka. He felt kind of shitty giving it to her, knowing it would instigate her problems, but he felt he had to give her some kind of peace offering, and this was the only thing he was sure she'd like these days.

  "Thank you!" she said, pulling out the bottle and smiling. "Just what I wanted."

  "I'm glad," he said, unsure if he really was.

  As she got the ice and poured them both drinks, he realized there was no way he could tell her Carol Anne's news. He just couldn't bring himself to do it. She'd suffered enough with the miscarriages. To tell her he got Carol Anne pregnant would be rubbing dirt in her face. He had to think of something to say when he talked to Carol Anne later on, but in the meantime, he took his glass from Maddy and tried to seem upbeat.

  "So did you have a good day?" he asked.

  "Better than most. I finally figured out how to get those piggies to stop bothering me."

  He was about to take a gulp from his glass and stopped.

  "You saw them again?"

  "They've been tormenting me something awful. Not that I don't deserve it. They were my babies after all, and I wasn't strong enough to bring them into the world alive. They must hate me for that. But I finally had some influence over them today, got them to leave me alone. They actually listened to me. It felt good.

  "You know, there are three of them now."

  He gulped his drink down and fixed himself another one. "Three?"

  "For the longest time, it was only two, even though I had three miscarriages. But the third one showed up today. He's smaller than the others. For some reason, I feel worst about him. The other ones treat him awful."

  Usually when she talked about them, he tried to humor her. He would let her talk and pretend he was interested, like what she was saying didn't sound totally insane. But he was sure that his composure failed him this time. He'd seen them himself, after all. He knew they were really out there.

  "You think they're your babies?" he asked.

  "Of course. Three. What else could they be? My lost babies come back to haunt me, to punish me for being such a bad mother."

  He gulped his second drink. "No."

  "No?"

  "They're not your babies. You should never say such a thing. It wasn't your fault."

  "I wasn't strong enough to give them life." She was crying now. "I didn't want them badly enough."

  She was burying her head in his shoulder now, sobbing like a child. He put his arms around her and tried his best to comfort her.

  "No," he kept telling her. "They aren't your babies. It wasn't your fault."

  She pulled away from him. "They call me Mommy. Of course they're my babies. If they aren't, what are they?"

  He debated whether he should tell her the truth. She was in so much pain. She had so much guilt. Guilt that wasn't hers at all. And it was driving her crazy.

  "Listen, Maddy."

  "Oh Zach, I'm a horrible person."

  He debated it further. The truth might help her. Besides, who was she going to tell? Who would believe an agoraphobic alcoholic on the verge of a breakdown?

  "I have something to tell you," he said.

  "What is it, Zach?"

  "The piggies, as you call them. They're not here for you. They're not here to torture you for what you did, because you didn't do anything wrong. You have no reason to feel guilty. You're totally blameless."

  "No, I'm an awful person. Awful!"

  He pulled her close again. "No, Maddy. Stop saying that."

  "If they aren't here to punish me, then why are they here?"

  "To punish me."

  "You didn't do anything, and they never come into the house when you're here."

  "Maddy, what I have to say is really bad, but I have to tell someone. And I can't stand to see you suffer like this."

  She held him as tightly as she could. "What is it, Zach?"

  "Those things. Those ghosts. They aren't your babies. They're children who died, but they're not yours."

  "Then who are they?"

  "I killed them."

  "What are you talking about, Zach?"

  "They're here to punish me. I'm responsible for them being here."

  "That's impossible."

  He pushed her away reluctantly and poured them both fresh drinks. He handed Maddy her glass, and then downed his. "I get these urges," he said. "And I just can't control them anymore."

  She looked up at him, her eyes pleading. "Why would you do that, Zach?"

  He wanted to tell her he killed them because he felt that, if their own children weren't allowed to be born, then he felt no children should be born, that he hated the whole world and wanted to make other people suffer like they had. But that would be bullshit. He'd never thought things out that far. It was something he did, that's all. Something he was compelled to do. He hated doing it, but afterwards he felt more peaceful than he ever had before. And he knew there would be more.

  "I don't know," he said. "But I'm the bad one here. I'm the one they want to punish."

  She stared at him, unbelieving.

  "But there are three. I saw the third one just today. And they only come around when I'm alone. They're too afraid to come inside otherwise."

  "They're afraid of me," he said. "They hate me, but they're scared of me. So they get to me through you."


  "They call me Mommy."

  "They're just fucking with you."

  "But three? Did you kill three of them?"

  Slowly, he nodded.

  "You killed little Wilbur? Poor little Wilbur?"

  He didn't know who Wilbur was, so he just stood there, staring at her, waiting for the information to sink into her brain. He couldn't believe he'd finally told her, that he'd been able to tell anyone. He was sure he'd carry this secret to the grave with him.

  "You buried them out there," she said, things suddenly becoming clear to her. "And they can't rest after what happened to them."

  He simply stared at her.

  "How could you, Zach? Little Wilbur. He's so small and afraid. How did you kill them?"

  "It wasn't anything sexual," he said, seeing the horror in her eyes. "Nothing perverted. I just choked them, as simple as that. I put my hands around their throats and squeezed until they were dead. They didn't suffer. I wasn't cruel. It was over quickly, and then it was done."

  "Poor Wilbur," she said, and started sobbing again.

  "Who's Wilbur?" he asked, even though he had a good idea.

  "He's the third one, the new one. I gave him a name. I never gave the others a name, but I named him, thinking he had been inside me once, but now I know he was alive and could run and play. He was a real boy, until you took his life away. Wilbur is so small and helpless. How could you kill him?"

  "I don't know."

  She ran at him and hit him with her fists. He put his arms around her and tried to hold her tight, so she couldn't get enough momentum to hurt him. But he didn't stop her from hitting him. He felt he deserved it.

  The phone rang then.

  "I hate you." Maddy buried her face in his shirt again, and sobbed.

  "I have to answer the phone," he said, dreading what Carol Anne might say if the answering machine came on. That was the only thing that could make this situation worse, and he couldn't allow that. Not now.

  "Please don't push me away," she said.

  "I've got to."

  At first, she wouldn't let him go, and then he pulled her toward the phone anyway, so she released him and went back to the bottle. She didn't pour it in a glass this time. She drank the vodka straight from the bottle, watching him as he picked up the phone.