In Sickness: Stories From a Very Dark Place

by L. L. Soares

  "Did you tell her yet?" Carol Anne's voice said, not even waiting to find out that it was him. He was sure that if Maddy had answered she would have told her everything.

  "This isn't a good time," Zach said. "Let me handle this."

  He hung up the phone before she could say anything else. He waited a minute and picked it up again and heard the dial tone, and then he let the receiver drop from his hand. The noise would get louder, but he didn't care.

  Maddy had the vodka bottle in her hand and was glaring at him.

  "Was that your teenage whore? Tell her not to call here anymore."

  "Maddy, please. You have to listen to me. You have to forgive me. You're the only person in the whole wide world who can forgive me."

  * * *

  It was after midnight by the time Maddy was asleep. She'd done a lot of crying and drinking. She'd killed off the fifth. At one point she passed out and he carried her to bed. She seemed to be sleeping soundly. He hoped she found peace in her dreams, at least.

  When the phone's sounds got too loud, he realized leaving it off the hook was going to be annoying, so he unplugged it. He considered plugging it back in now, maybe even calling Carol Anne, but he realized he had nothing to say to her. He hadn't told Maddy her news and there was no way he was going to tell her what he and Maddy had really talked about.

  He opened a beer, walked into the bedroom, and stood there watching Maddy sleep for a few minutes. It was funny, he'd been fantasizing about killing her for a while now, ever since her behavior started getting so erratic, but he knew he probably couldn't go through with it. She was the only person he could have admitted the truth to. The only person he could hope would understand. Of course, when she woke up, that would determine everything. If she hated him now, and threatened to expose him, he might have to fulfill those murder fantasies after all.

  He hoped not.

  Zach returned to the kitchen. He shut the light off in the room and turned on the light outside. In the back yard, he could see them, hovering near the tool shed, near the garden that he'd worked on so diligently years ago but had since abandoned. He knew they were planning something, some kind of revenge. But it was a good sign that they still feared him.

  He wondered how Maddy was able to see them, too. They weren't her ghosts.

  Then again, maybe they were that, too.

  He finished his beer and opened another. They expected him to work at least half a day on Saturday, to get the job done on time, but if he had a hangover in the morning, he'd just call in sick. Too much shit had gone down today.

  He stretched out on the sofa and stared at the ceiling until he nodded off.

  * * *

  Maddy woke up with a sharp pain in her gut, but this time, it wasn't from the booze. Every part of her body ached from Zach's terrible confession. Maddy shivered, closing her eyes, trying to force herself back to sleep.

  Glowing green skulls slid beneath Maddy's closed eyes and spun around in her head like in a psychedelic movie from the '60s. She knew these things weren't real, but they scared her anyway.

  This is a nightmare I'm having and when I wake up, all will be like it was before, she said to herself.

  By making herself believe it was all just a dream, she was able to fall back to sleep. Maddy dreamed that she and Zach were walking toward a bus stop. The bus sped past and halted at the stop. They ran to catch it, but it was full, and they couldn't get on. Many people were trying to force their way in, but it was too crowded to fit them all. The driver closed the door on a man shoving his way on and drove off with him caught in the door.

  "Somebody should report that driver," Maddy said.

  "He's always doing stuff like that. The guy's a sadist," a man told her matter-of-factly.

  Zach could see how upset Maddy was, so he took her by the arm and pulled her away from the crowd.

  "C'mon," he said. "Let's go check the mail."

  Maddy followed Zach into the post office. She stood against a pole and stared up at a gold statue of an eagle while Zach checked their box. She noticed a tall heavy-set man with dark hair near the front counter who kept walking back and forth. He wore a long black overcoat even though it was summertime. Great streams of sweat poured off of him. No wonder, thought Maddy.

  The man dug into his pocket and pulled out a gun. He shot it into the air and shouted at everyone to freeze. Freeze is one thing you won't be doing in that coat, she thought.

  He herded everyone together into the center of the room. Maddy could see Zach up toward the front, but she couldn't get to him. She was too far back.

  If only we'd caught that bus, she thought. If only that stinking sadist had let us on!

  "I'll kill you people!" the man said. "You better listen to what I say."

  Maddy rolled her eyes. Another person with 'issues,' as they call them. She was hating Zach at this point for bringing her into this building. Slowly, she took a step backwards while she kept her eyes on the man with the gun. He didn't notice her because she was small and she was at the back of the crowd.

  She took a step back and took a step back and took a step back until, with the logic of dreams, she was outside among the police and a large crowd of rubberneckers. She was so relieved, she started laughing, but stopped when she thought about how she'd left Zach alone in there, with a psychotic killer.

  A cop grabbed her. "How'd you get out?"

  Maddy shook her head. "I'm not out."

  She took a step forward and another step and another until she was back inside, beside Zach. She took his hand and squeezed it. Zach looked down at her and smiled.

  "I love you," he mouthed.

  They stood beside one another, ready to die, but no longer afraid.

  When Maddy woke up, she knew what she had to do. She was superstitious and took her dreams very seriously.

  * * *

  Zach called in sick to work the next morning and waited anxiously for Maddy to come downstairs. He felt more nervous than he'd ever been in his life, more nervous than he did when he scooped up the kids' bodies in a blanket.

  He guessed he cared more about what Maddy thought than he did anyone else in the world. It was only Maddy's approval that mattered to him. Fuck Carol Anne. Fuck the parents of the kids he killed. Fuck what the newspapers would say if the police found out what he did.

  Maddy came down the stairs as quietly as a cat. She stopped in front of the couch and looked at him with a cat's spooky stare. He was too scared to say anything to her, so he sat there, waiting for her to speak.

  Maddy had a lump in her throat. She was afraid she was going to burst into tears. The air was so thick with tension; the two of them could barely breathe.

  "You want some breakfast?" she said finally.

  "Corn flakes?"

  Maddy nodded. "Okay."

  Zach followed her into the kitchen. He wished she'd say something about what he'd told her last night. Did she have another one of her blackouts? He didn't think he could tell her about the children a second time.

  Maddy shook some corn flakes into a bowl and poured milk over them.

  "You forgot the sugar," he said.

  It was a stupid thing to say, but the only thing he could think of.

  Maddy looked out into the back yard.

  "You know what I think?" she said. "I think I could talk those kids into leaving us alone. I have a real rapport with them now."

  Zach smiled in spite of himself. "A rapport?"

  "I know it sounds silly," she said. "It's a silly word: rapport."

  "And does it really mean anything?" Zach said.

  "A trust. A harmony. That's what the word implies."

  He looked into her eyes.

  "Is that what we got?" he asked.

  "Yeah," Maddy said. "Bad things happen and it seems like it's completely arbitrary, but it's not."

  "Not arbitrary. Like when someone kicks off on you and people hand you the line, 'everything happens for a reason.'"

  "Like that," Maddy s
aid.

  "I always hated that line. It has the stink of a con."

  "I'm gonna talk to those piggies about you," Maddy said. "Don't worry, Zach. You've been taking care of me all this time. Now I'm gonna take care of you."

  Maddy's words made Zach uneasy. He didn't want to drag her into this hell, make her an accomplice. He thought he was being selfish, but he wanted so badly to hang onto Maddy. He realized now that he couldn't survive if she wasn't with him.

  Maddy put her arms around Zach and hugged him close.

  * * *

  By the time Zach finished his breakfast, someone was banging on the front door. He wondered how long they were standing out there before they realized the doorbell didn't work. He'd disconnected it months before when it started buzzing by itself late at night. These days he wasn't so sure it was a malfunction.

  "Don't answer it," Maddy said, finishing her coffee.

  "I want to see who it is."

  He took a deep breath as he stood in front of the door. Maybe it was the police. Maybe Maddy was lying to him about forgiving him and she'd called them. This whole morning could have been a set up. But he refused to believe that.

  "Zach?" came Carol Anne's voice. "Are you in there?"

  He opened the door. He couldn't stand to hear her yelling his name out there. Besides, this confrontation was going to happen sooner or later anyway. There was nothing he could do about it. If it didn't happen now, then she'd wait until Maddy was alone to tell her. He'd have no rest until he dealt with it.

  "Hi, Carol Anne," he said, standing in the doorway. "What brings you here?"

  "You know damn well what brings me here," she said, her hands on her hips. "I looked for you at your job, but they said you'd called in sick today."

  "I told you not to go to my place of work," he said. "I guess you don't hear very well lately."

  "I tried to call you all night and you wouldn't answer the phone. It just rang and rang."

  "Who is it, Zach?" Maddy called from the kitchen.

  "Good," Carol Anne said. "Maddy's here, too."

  Zach took a deep breath, hoping it wasn't too noticeable. "Yeah, she's here."

  "I want to talk to her," Carol said. "Unless you've already told her."

  "Told me what?" Maddy said. She was in the living room now, just behind Zach.

  "Can I come in, at least, or are you going to make me stand out here on the stoop the whole time?"

  Zach stepped aside. Maddy did, too. Carol Anne walked past both of them, into the house, and Zach closed the door.

  "Maddy," Carol Anne said. "I have some news that I thought you should know."

  Zach glared at her, but she continued before he could try to stop her. "I'm going to have a baby. And Zach's the daddy."

  "What is she talking about?" Maddy asked. This was the first time she'd seen Carol Anne up close, and the first thing she noticed was how young the girl was. She looked no older than nineteen or twenty. A little plump for Zach's taste, she thought, but she had a very cute face and the utter freshness of her youth was obviously a turn-on for him. It made Maddy's heart sink a bit. She'd found another gray hair when she woke up that morning.

  "She's talking bullshit," Zach said.

  "No, I'm not. Zach's going to be a daddy. I'm going to give him the one thing you couldn't give him, Maddy. I'm going to give him a baby."

  Maddy shouted then, but before she could do anything, Zach had stepped forward and put a hand around Carol Anne's throat. He was a big man and he lifted her off the ground without even thinking about it. Maddy could see the girl's feet leave the floor, see them kicking wildly. Carol Anne tried to scratch him with her nails, but he held her far enough away where she couldn't reach his face. She slashed at his arm instead, but he didn't seem to notice. "Let me down," she said, or at least Maddy thought that's what she said. It was hard to tell. It wasn't exactly easy for Carol Anne to talk.

  Zach put his other hand around Carol Anne's neck and squeezed, still lifting her off the ground. Maddy saw the girl's face get bright red, then purple. Her eyes started to bulge and her tongue was hanging out. Her mouth gasped for air that wouldn't come.

  Zach strangled her, the same way he'd killed those kids. Just squeezed the life right out of her.

  Then, when she stopped moving and Zach was sure she was dead, he dropped her to the carpet.

  "What about her baby?" Maddy asked, sounding afraid.

  He looked at her. "There is no baby. The bitch was lying to you."

  "I think she was telling the truth, Zach."

  "Look, even if she was pregnant, she wasn't enough along for it to have amounted to anything yet. It would be just a tiny bit of nothing by now. Nothing that can haunt us."

  "Are you sure, Zach?"

  "Yeah, I'm sure."

  Maddy was shaking. "She's dead."

  "Yeah."

  "You're going to get rid of her, right?"

  "Later on, when it's dark," he said. "I'll bury her out in the garden with the others."

  * * *

  Come nightfall, Zach dug a hole in the garden and then brought Carol Anne outside. As he covered her up with earth, he could see the children out of the corner of his eye, on the other side of the tool shed, peeking out at him every now and then and trying to be quiet. The youngest one kept crying and giving them away.

  When Carol Anne was buried, he went back inside.

  "They're out there," he told Maddy. "They were watching me work."

  "I'll talk to them," she said.

  "They won't come inside while I'm here, and you can't go out there. So maybe I should go for a drive."

  "If you think that's best."

  "I don't know what's best anymore," he said. "But you wanted to talk to them, and this is the only way I can see for that to happen."

  "Yeah."

  He grabbed his car keys. "It's only a matter of time until someone comes snooping around, looking for Carol Anne. People knew the two of us were together."

  She didn't say a word as he went outside and drove away.

  When she couldn't hear his car anymore, she went to the kitchen and looked out the window. The children were huddled in the garden, not sure whether it was safe to approach the house.

  She waved for them to come inside.

  * * *

  "Let's play 'Duck, Duck, Goose!'" the piggy girl shouted.

  She ran over to Wilbur, hit him hard on the head and shouted, "Goose!"

  The bigger piggies danced around Wilbur, pointing at him and sing-songing, "Goose." Wilbur burst into tears.

  Maddy grabbed Wilbur and lifted him up in her arms.

  "Stop that! Don't be mean."

  "Daddy's mean," the boy piggy said.

  Maddy held Wilbur close to her chest, stroking his coarse hair.

  "He's not your daddy and I'm not your mommy. You can't fool me anymore."

  "But we don't have real mommies anymore," the girl piggy said, looking up at her. "You're the only mommy left."

  Maddy felt strangely moved. She looked down at Wilbur. His head was on her chest and he was sucking his thumb. She felt the blood in her body become like lava, melting her from the inside out. Was this what feeling maternal meant? She didn't know, but it was an uncomfortable feeling. It was gnawing and made her shiver.

  "Please be our mommy," the boy piggy said.

  Maddy shook her head. "You're dead."

  "But, we're so scared. We're scared to be alone in that black dirt," the girl said.

  "You're dead," Maddy repeated.

  "Please don't leave us, Mommy!" the two piggies shouted together.

  "You leave," Maddy said.

  "We can't," said the boy.

  "We don't like it here," the girl said, crying.

  "I don't like it here either," Maddy said.

  The weight in her arms suddenly became lighter. Then there was a splash and she was wet all over her front and on her legs. There was a foul odor in the air. Maddy let her arms drop as she stared at the pinkish gray
mass and the blood on the floor. It looked like the toilet after her first miscarriage.

  Maddy screamed.

  "Look what you did, Mommy!"

  "Mommy, look what you did!"

  "I didn't do it," Maddy said.

  She felt like something inside her had been torn out. Her body throbbed. She turned away from the mess on the floor and threw up.

  "Mommy, Mommy, look!" the children shouted.

  "He's asking for you," the girl piggy said.

  Maddy turned around reluctantly and looked down at the floor. She saw that Wilbur had melted and was a mixture of chunks and liquid on the floor. She could see his face staring up at her from the puddle.

  "Make it stop," Wilbur said.

  Maddy didn't want to see him suffer like this, but was unsure what to do.

  "Help him," she begged.

  "Only you, Mommy," the boy child said.

  "Only you can help him," the girl child said.

  They walked around her and the puddle that was Wilbur, pointing their fingers at her, saying, "Make it stop, make it stop, make it stop..."

  Maddy closed her eyes. "Yes," she said, feeling sick.

  * * *

  Zach pulled into the driveway. He'd been driving around for hours in a panic and now he was exhausted. He'd felt like the world was closing in on him, that they would come looking for Carol Anne and would find her, along with the others he'd buried in the yard. He couldn't dig them up again and move them somewhere else. He just didn't have the energy. He was sick of trying to think of ways to cover his tracks.

  It was very late, but he hoped Maddy was still awake so he could kiss her and put his arms around her. He felt so much love for Maddy that it hurt. He hoped she hadn't turned against him because of Carol Anne. He didn't want to kill Carol Anne, but he had no choice. She was going to come between him and Maddy.

  He grabbed the daisies he'd bought for Maddy at the all-night convenience store and got out of the car. He was nervous opening the door and dropped his keys on the steps. When he bent down to pick them up, he heard the door creak open and looked at Maddy's face as he stood.