by Lisa Gerkey
I follow her into the bathroom and let her take the lead. She turns the shower on and adjusts the temperature. Probably too hot, but I don’t say anything. With her back facing me, she reaches for the bottom of the oversized shirt and pulls it up, revealing more bruises and angry marks that mar her body.
I pray the beautiful dream catcher that’s inked across her back does its job and chases the nightmares away.
I quickly shed my shirt and shuck my jeans to the floor, leaving my boxer briefs in place and step into the shower behind her. She places both hands on the wall and leans her head forward to let the hot water beat against her flesh.
“You really mean it? You can handle it if I break? Because I don’t think I can do this anymore, Grant, I’m so tired of pretending to be strong all the time.”
I lay my hands over hers and thread our fingers. “I mean it, beautiful, I got you. Let go.”
My chest cracks when sobs suddenly rock her body. She lets out a gut-wrenching wail. I pull her back to my front and ease us to the floor. I maneuver her around like a child to position her so she’s nestled close to my heart. While she clings to me and cries, I take the bottle of soap from the shelf and gently clean her body. By the time I finish shampooing and conditioning her hair, she’s quieted to occasional hiccups and sniffling.
A million things cross my mind I could say, but I say nothing for fear it could be something she isn’t ready to hear. In silence, I take care of her like a child. When the water turns cool, I carry her to sit on the counter, so I can wrap her in a towel and dry her hair. Instead of focusing on her swollen face and red puffy eyes, I rejoice in the knowledge she’s here with me. Things could’ve turned out much differently today. I refuse to take a second of the time I have with her for granted.
“I need to put you on the bed while I find dry clothes. Okay?”
“Okay. I’m sorry I’m such a mess. Maybe you’re right. Maybe when tomorrow gets here, it won’t seem so bad anymore.”
I tug on fresh underwear and the only pair of sleep pants I brought. When I’m done, I dig around in Jaycee’s bag to find her underwear, yoga pants, and a t-shirt. After I help her dress, I order most of the room service’s menu just to make certain I have something she might eat. While we wait for the food, I slip out into the hallway to have a word with Jensen.
Chapter Thirty-Five
Jaycee
“I don’t like this, Jaycee. I agreed to come along because I don’t want you out on the road alone, but you’re making a huge mistake.”
Now, I regret dragging Madison into my plan. I didn’t think for a minute she’d understand or see things my way, but the thought of traveling alone didn’t sit well with me.
“I needed to get away. Why can’t anyone understand? I understand you all like to wear your feelings on your sleeves, but that’s not how I work. It’s too much. He…Grant expects things I can’t give him.”
“Don’t you think you need to let him decide that for himself? Do you know what he went through when you were missing? I know you went through your own hell, but you need to realize he went through a different kind of hell right along with you. Grant didn’t know if he would find you alive. He loves you so much, Jaycee. He’s told Jensen you are everything to him. Do you know how lucky you are to have someone who loves you like he does?”
“I didn’t ask to be lucky, and I didn’t ask him to love me. I don’t know why anyone would want to be with me. Anyone can see I’m a mess. Grant can have any woman he wants. I’m sure he’ll be fine. I have a feeling Kendra will be there for him.”
I sent a text Madison in the wee hours of the night while Grant was fast asleep to see if she’d help me go back to Nashville. She informed me of the plane Kendra so graciously loaned to them, but my decision was final. I’d go alone if I must, but it wouldn’t be on a plane with everyone else. Madison finally agreed to help me rent a car and make the trip with me. She says Jensen has no clue, but I find that unlikely. I’m certain she shares everything with him.
Thankfully, she takes the wheel so I can sit in the passenger seat and play shit over repeatedly in my head; everything from David to my sister all the way to Grant taking care of me last night. For so long, I’ve kept everything locked away. Nothing, not even that bastard, Phoenix could break me, but then what do I do the second Grant shows me the least bit of affection and takes care of me like I’m a helpless child? I didn’t break, I shattered. Well, it’s a new day now, and I won’t hang around to see how pleased that makes him.
Now, it looks like I’ll need a whole new plan to find Kennedy. I don’t blame her for running. Before Madison and I left Memphis, I went to the police station and gave them my statement and my personal information so they can contact me. They assured me there would be no charges against my sister for pulling the trigger. Still, she needs help. Even before she killed my ex-husband, to save me from whatever awful plans he had, she needed help to get off the drugs and getting her life together.
I can never be the woman who keeps a man like Grant, but I’ll always remember and treasure our time together. I know it’s best that I move on before he discovers I can’t fulfill everything he needs and wants from a partner.
Madison’s parting words, “Please, use the number I gave you for Dr. Townsend. She’s a wonderful therapist. She can help you, Jaycee. I’m sure Grant understands you’re scared, and he’ll give you time and wait for you, but don’t make him wait too long. He loves you, and I know you love him. The two of you belong together. Don’t push him so far that you lose him for good.”
“Thank you for everything, Madison. You’ve found your happiness, but I don’t think it’s that easy for some of us.”
It feels like someone unleashes ten angry cats and lets them claw down my back, my thighs, and legs. Nearly every inch of my flesh burns and stings from the marks the evil men put on my body with their leather straps and whips.
It gets easier to bear each time. I’ve found this place I go to every time. It’s not a real place, but more like this open space I drift to, where my soul separates from my body. It’s like I’m aware of everything that’s happening, but this new place I go allows me to escape the pain.
Once the dirty men finish with me and they haul me away to a dark and cold room, I’m no longer able to stay in that safe place inside my head. Tonight was the worst one yet.
A group of new men came into the big, crowded room; each convinced it would be him who cracked me open and again, each failing.
Except one. One man wrecked me, different from all the rest, but that came later when the nasty, disgusting, evil men finished with me.
He came to my room later, hours after Jayson left me to suffer and die alone. The gentlest hands I’ve ever felt move me to my side and slather a cooling ointment on the gashes and cuts that cover my body.
I can’t tell how much time passes. It could be minutes, hours, or days. I slept against the gentle man’s hard chest. When I’d shiver from the cold, I’d huddle closer to his heat.
He held a cup to my cracked lips for me to drink water and spoon fed me soup as if I were a child.
He gently bathed my battered body, every inch. It’s been so long since I’ve felt a tender touch I almost don’t want him to stop. Even when he sweeps the warm cloth against my most private and sensitive parts, his touch is like none other. When he applies more ointment to my skin and then he slips a big shirt over my head and tugs it down to cover me and then he pulls away, I almost beg him to stay.
He places a soft kiss on my forehead before he lets himself out of the dark room.
It’s just a dream. It must be a figment of my imagination. I know there’s no man inside these haunted walls who possesses a heart.
As even more time passes and my body heals, I know it was real. He, I don’t know who he is, but he’s real. Somehow, at least one man here isn’t the monster he wants everyone to believe he is. If only I could’ve seen his face. The only thing I have to remember him by is his scent, manl
y and woodsy, with a hint of something more…
I wake with a start and sit up in the queen size bed and look around the faintly lit hotel room. “Oh, my God! It was him!”
What have I done? I’ve walked away from the only man who’s ever taken care of me, ever loved me. Grant. Even in my darkest hour, he was there. He said he did nothing, but he did. He risked everything to take care of me.
Even now, I recognize the work he does is important. Grant’s given up years of his life to take on undercover assignments. Before, I questioned everything. How could a man take on the role of a criminal so easily? It wasn’t easy though. He’s mentioned more than once he has nightmares. That’s why he gets me like he does, why he wants to help me overcome everything that’s happened. He speaks from his own experience.
I must finish what I’ve started. Even if Grant will forgive me and we have the chance to fix things, finding my sister is still my first priority.
Chapter Thirty-Six
Grant
“So, what? You’re just going to give up and quit?”
I can’t believe the things coming out of my sister’s mouth today. All this time I thought she had a good handle on things. Her surgery is coming up in a little more than a week. When she called me to have lunch with her, I was sure it was so she could get on my ass and tell me I have to work harder to find Jaycee.
“I mean…no, I guess not. Grant, you and Jon were both there just like I was. We watched our mother get her hopes up time after time only to have it all shattered each time she went to the doctor. I…I don’t want that to be me.”
Fuck. I’m not in any shape to deal with this. It’s been two weeks since I woke up and found Jaycee had left me. It took three men to keep me from beating the hell out of my best friend because he let Madison help her escape.
They all tell me to give her space and time. It’s hard to do when I know she’s running all over Tennessee with a man I know would give up his left nut to fuck her. When I find Josh Maddox, he’s got one hell of an ass-kicking coming.
On top of my misery, I must figure out a way to help Emily deal with everything.
“Em, you know, you can’t think about how things worked out for Mom.”
“And, her mom, too, Grant. Don’t you get it? It’s like a life sentence…Well, for the women. Why can’t I be like you and Jon? Why can’t I just suck at relationships, or something simple?”
We stay quiet while the waitress clears our table. I run things around in my head and try to find the right words.
“I wish it could be me, Emily. Honey, I’d take your place in a heartbeat if I could. Even now, I don’t know how Dad did everything. Shit, I can’t imagine what it’s like for Lucas, but at least you have him. He worships you, and I know he’ll be there for you and take wonderful care of you every step of the way. You’ll be fine. You said yourself the doctors feel like they can get it all. I know you have a lot on your plate, but years from now, when you and Lucas have a house full of kids, you’ll look back and see that everything we’ve told you was the truth. You’ll beat cancer, babe.”
Emily takes a sip of her water and wrings her hands together for a few minutes. “I don’t love him.”
“What? Who? What do you mean, you don’t love him?”
“Lucas. I mean, he’s wonderful. He…I don’t know how to explain it, Grant. I married him too soon. You know, I agreed to marry him so it would get you and Jon off our backs. I love Lucas with all my heart…it’s just…I’m not in love with him. I don’t love him any different from you or Jon. He won’t hear a word I say when I try to talk to him. Lucas is in love with me. He looks at me the way you look at Jaycee, the way Jensen looks at Maddy, and that should make me happy, but it doesn’t because I want to feel that way with someone too. I want to know what it feels like to love someone so much you can’t breathe without them, so much that you don’t know where you end and they begin…I don’t want to put him through all this cancer stuff, Grant.”
I comb my fingers through my hair that’s overdue for a cut, frustrated. Why does it feel like everything around me is going to hell?
“You married Lucas because of Jon and me? I don’t understand.”
“Oh, come on, Grant. You both wanted to kill him when you found out he was talking to me. That he’s older than me bothered you even more. We were high on feelings in the beginning. We couldn’t get enough of each other. It’s still true for him, but for me, it fizzled out after a while. I guess I married him so I could have sex with him without worrying you’d kill him. Enough about me, what are you doing to find Jaycee?”
Nothing. I’m doing nothing to find her. I know where Jaycee is. Hell, I know every move she makes. Sure, I want nothing more than to rush to her and drag her back home, but she’s not a wild animal I can keep caged. It’s a beautiful idea, but the only way I’ll have her is if she comes willingly.
“As much as I want to, I can’t go after her, Emily. I…I have to accept it’s over with Jaycee. Hell, it never began. She’s got a mountain of shit to work through, and to be honest, I don’t know if she’ll ever get past everything she’s been through in such a short time. Jon’s right. It’s time I stop trying to fix everyone. I’m going to the club tonight. I haven’t taken care of my shit since Jaycee ran out on me, but that ends. Tonight, I’ll go to The Grind and make sure business is running as it should, and then Monday, I’ll get back to work at the agency. Hell, maybe I’ll take another undercover assignment and go ghost for a while. Give myself time away from everything and everybody always trying to tell me what’s best. The best thing I can do is let it go, let her go. If it’s meant to be, she’ll show up, and if it’s too late when that time comes, well, I guess we’ll have the memory of the little time we had together.”
“You know, Grant, a part of me wants to argue with that, but you’re right. That’s exactly how I’ll approach a few things. Thank you for having lunch with me. I knew I could count on you making me feel better. My head is clear now. I know what I want, what I need. I’ll take care of me and stop worrying about what everyone else wants, or what they’ll say, and stop trying to protect everyone’s feelings. Grant, I love you, you know that? It sucked losing our parents so young, but no one could’ve given me a better life than you and Jon.”
Emily and I spend a little more time talking and enjoying one another’s company before we go our separate ways. On top of the rest of the shit I have to think about, I can’t get away from a strange feeling I should’ve said something more to my sister. I can’t shake the thought I’ve missed something.
In the dungeon, I stand back. I usually leave the job to someone else, but the guys have all held down the fort while I dragged my ass feeling sorry for myself. Monitoring for one night is the least I can do so they have a little free time on their hands.
A scene unfolds a few feet away. I watch Troy glide the riding crop’s tip between Kendra’s legs making her call out with a needy moan. They’re a pair I didn’t see coming, but somehow the two bonded after she loaned us the plane for the Memphis trip.
Troy confessed he’s had his eyes on Kendra for a long time, but her obsession with me stood in the way. When she saw firsthand the hell I went through when Jaycee was missing, Kendra realized anything between her and I was nothing more than a figment of her imagination. My feelings for Jaycee were too obvious for even Kendra to deny.
Fuck. I need to move on with my shit. Jaycee doesn’t want a relationship. Until she realizes she needs outside help to overcome everything she’s endured, there’s nothing I or anyone else can do but let her be, let her live alone with her misery the way she prefers.
Chapter Thirty-Seven
Jaycee
I check the locks for the third time before I lay down to sleep…to wait for the nightmares to come.
Only Josh, Kat, and Jeff know where I live now. I needed to get further from the city, away from all the places that remind me of him. I put my house on the market. Instead of waiting until it sells, I foun
d a small house to rent outside of the city; the perfect home for me. Except, it’s not.
I check my phone again. Josh has been staying with me, but tonight, he said he needed a break. He didn’t tell me, but he didn’t need to. I’m sure he’s at The Grind with Staci and with our friends. With Grant.
Josh and I have looked everywhere we can think, searching for Kennedy. Now that David’s gone, I’d like to believe she’ll show back up in Nashville, but the shape she was in when I last saw her, my skin crawls when I think of the other possibilities.
I got a new phone, new number. I’m only fooling myself if I think Grant doesn’t know. I’d never admit it out loud, but some moments, I’m a little disappointed he hasn’t tried to contact me. I don’t ask Josh or Jeff if he’s come to the shop, or if he’s asked about me. Perhaps he’s doing exactly as I asked, perhaps he’s even moved on with Kendra, or with someone else.
It’s been a month since I walked away from everything, four weeks since David kidnapped me and almost raped me, approximately seven hundred thirty hours since my sister splattered my ex-husband’s brains everywhere. Take a few hours from that, it’s how long it’s been since I kissed a sleeping man goodbye and fled. Why do we always see our mistakes when it’s too late?
I have Grant’s business card tucked away. I could call him, or email. That wouldn’t sate the need for everything else though. God, I miss his gentle caress. Too late, I finally figured out why his touch seemed so familiar. He took care of me when Malcolm’s men nearly killed me. Grant stayed with me, even though he could’ve blown his cover and caused a heap of trouble, he couldn’t walk away and leave me lying there hurt, left to die.
I cling to the memory of the day Grant and I made love for the first time. Maybe after I find Kennedy, I’ll head down a different path. Perhaps I’ll search the one that will lead me back to him. I can’t accept thinking I’ll never feel that again. I’ll never know a love like his again.
