Neil LaBute, Plays 2

by Neil LaBute

  I’m cleaning out the tubes on 13 and 14 – they clog up after it rains.

  Terry Got’cha. (Beat.) I think you’re talking about Drano, by the way … not the other one. Common mistake, really, but only one of ’em’ll get rid of your problem. / Blockage.

  Jennifer Yeah? / What do you mean?

  Terry Ajax is just, like, a cleaner … for making sinks sparkle and shit like that. Drano’s the one people use for their clogs. There’s other stuff, of course, but Drano’s the one you’re always hearing about. / On TV.

  Jennifer Oh. / I see.

  Terry Yep.

  Jennifer … What’re you, some professional spokesmodel or whatever?

  Terry Ha! (Smiles.) ’S that what I look like?

  Jennifer Kinda. You sorta have that feel … all handsome or something.

  Terry Thanks.

  Terry shuffles his feet at this, embarrassed by all the attention. Laughs to himself.

  Jennifer Yeah. (Beat.) So, do you do that? Correct people on their cleaning supplies for a living …?

  Terry Nah, I just know about that one … that and, umm, Liquid-Plumr.

  Jennifer I see.

  Terry I get crap jammed in my pipes all the time out where I live … I’m a little off the beaten track, house of mine. / It’s on a well and septic.

  Jennifer Hmm. / What’s that mean?

  Terry Means trouble, most times! I’m not on city utilities.

  Jennifer Ohh, I get what you’re saying … yeah, we aren’t, too. At my house.

  Terry nods without having a response. Jennifer smiles.

  Terry Sooo … this is your job …

  Jennifer Yep! Pretty fancy, huh?

  Terry Yeah, nice …

  Jennifer I was thinking Harvard and then I got this gig and said, ‘Hey, fuck that shit.’

  Terry Good one.

  Terry watches her as she smiles and takes her bucket over to the high weeds nearby – tosses out the dirty water.

  Jennifer … The world doesn’t really need any more lawyers … it needs a few extra menial labourers. So I’m just doing my part!

  Terry I hear ya. (Smiles.) … and you’re right, by the way. I mean, for my money.

  Jennifer What’s that?

  Terry About the lawyers.

  Jennifer Yeah? So, you spend a lot of time on the wrong side of the law?

  Terry Oh, you know … I took Lou Reed’s advice and did a little walk out there but nothing too bad …

  Jennifer Who’s he?

  Terry Nobody. / (Grins.) Some singer. Too long ago for you to worry about …

  Jennifer Huh. / My dad does shit like that – quotes people and then won’t tell me who it is. / That pisses me off.

  Terry Sorry … / You heard of the Velvet Underground? (Waits.) He’s one of the guys in that. And then had a solo thing, too … doesn’t really matter. I was just trying to be a little funny.

  Jennifer Then you should throw a punchline in there every so often …

  Terry Ha! (Laughs.) Anyway, point is, I’ve got a kid brother who’s a hot-shot lawyer; he’s a prick, mostly, so I just lump it all together … excuse my French.

  Jennifer … I don’t think that’s actually French.

  Terry Ha! (Chuckles.) And, actually, he’s not even a lawyer any more. Made a bundle when he bought up a company out from under a client of his … Apparently that was unethical or something, so they asked him if he would kindly fuck off. I mean, in so many words. / Disbarred ’em.

  Jennifer Ahh. / Well, thanks for the info …

  Terry Sorry! Shit, forgive me – sometimes I just babble on about nothing if I’m around people I don’t know … I mean, I’m not no Cary Grant.

  Jennifer looks at Terry like he just spoke Chinese.

  Don’t worry about it … (Beat.) You go ahead and do what you gotta do.

  Jennifer Nah, that’s cool. (Pointing at the pipe.) ’S either you or dead mice, so … you win out by a slim margin.

  Terry Thanks.

  Terry smiles at her then looks off into the distance. Jennifer watches him.

  Jennifer Well, you might as well go for it while you wait. Finish the hole …

  Terry No rush. / ’S OK, I’m not really playing. I’m kinda looking for the owner.

  Jennifer Yeah, but I’m in the way, so … / Oh. Well, I’m the manager.

  Terry Pretty young for a manager. Good for you.

  Jennifer Well, I grew up around it, so … it comes natural, I guess.

  Terry This your place?

  Jennifer Funny … (Beat.) Fifteen-year-olds don’t have places – we just exist.

  Terry That’s true …

  Jennifer Actually, it’s my dad’s business. This here. / Yep. / Uh-huh. I mean, among others …

  Terry Really? / Your dad, huh? / Wow, he sounds like a very successful … something. Entrepreneur-type. Guy.

  Jennifer Nah, just means he can’t make shit happen, so he desperately tries a bunch of crap …

  Terry Ouch!

  Jennifer Hey, truth hurts.

  Terry Sometimes it does. (Beat.) So it’s him I’m looking for I guess. / Yep.

  Jennifer OK. / He’s not here on the weekends. He works at Big T’s Gas-n-Go, ’cause his people’re always calling in sick on Saturday and since I can’t sell any beer or whatever. / Not old enough … so I run this place for him. (Beat.) Big T’s is only about five, ten minutes up that way …

  Terry I see … / Huh. And you’re the name up on the sign there?

  Jennifer Yep, that’s me. (Holds out a hand.) Manager of Buddy’s Putt-n-Play. My real name’s Jennifer, but my dad calls me ‘Buddy’ sometimes.

  Terry … Isn’t that something? (Smiles.) Nice to meet you. It’s … well, it just is.

  Jennifer Cool. You too.

  Terry So, your dad must be proud, huh? Of you, I mean.

  Jennifer Yep. I’m a chip off the ol’ block.

  Terry Well, he’s lucky to have such a … you know …

  Jennifer No, what?

  Terry Just a … I mean … (Haltingly.) Such a pretty chip.

  Jennifer Aww, shucks, mister …

  Terry I’m just saying!

  Jennifer No, thanks, that’s sweet of you. Kind, or whatever.

  Terry Believe me, I’m not being kind … you’re a bit of a knockout there.

  Jennifer I can yell if I need to … I mean, if you’re gonna get all creepy on me here.

  Terry Well, you better start screaming then … (Smiles.) Just kidding ya.

  Jennifer Ha! I know. (Laughs.) Ya can’t fool me – you’re a nice guy.

  Terry Pretty much. / Then good.

  Jennifer ‘Pretty much’ is close enough for me. I’ll take it. / (She indicates.) Well … your car’s probably done.

  Terry Oh yeah, alright. (Nods.) Good …

  Terry stands there, not committing to anything just yet. Jennifer decides to break the silence.

  Jennifer … Wanna see something?

  Jennifer walks over to a bottle of soda she’s got hidden in the grass. She bends over and down to the bottle; she puts her mouth over the opening and stands – turns it up and drinks.

  Tilts her head back down; drops the bottle into her hand.

  Terry turns a quick circle to see if anyone is watching.

  See? No hands …

  Terry … Very clever stuff there, young lady. / Yep. That’s … huh. Geez.

  Jennifer Thank you. / I do gymnastics during school. It’s a trick I learned …

  Terry Not so sure your dad’d approve of that trick – showing it off to just anybody – but hey …

  Jennifer I won’t tell if you don’t.

  Terry OK, well, fair enough.

  Jennifer He’s a hypocrite, anyway.

  Terry Yeah, why’s that?

  Jennifer He does the whole ‘don’t speak to strangers’ routine, like, each day of the week, but he’s always up in the face of the kids here. Talking with ’em, I’m saying …

  Terry Yeah?


  Jennifer Always … every guy who wanders in, he’s gotta be asking ’em all kinds of shit – it really is nauseating.

  Terry He’s probably not seeing it the same way, though. Jennifer What?

  Terry Talking with people … He knows who he is, so no worries, but with you it’s probably more about your, you know, safety or whatnot. He’s just doing it because he loves you …

  Jennifer Yeah, yeah …

  Terry Your mom too, I’m sure.

  Jennifer Well, when you find her, you can ask her for us … (Shrugs.) It’s really just me and my dad now.

  Terry Got it. Sorry.

  Jennifer No big deal.

  Terry Still.

  Jennifer Just the way it is.

  Terry Well, dads love their daughters … it’s a known fact – anywhere on the planet it’s true.

  Jennifer S’pose so. / Maybe …

  Terry I know so. / He does, right?

  Jennifer Yes, OK, I’m his little princess and all that crap – it’s true! His shining star or whatever …

  Jennifer laughs at this and hides her face. Terry smiles and tentatively pats her on the back.

  Terry See? / Told ya so.

  Jennifer Fine! / God, it’s so …

  Terry That’s cute.

  Jennifer … It’s so gross, all that gooey junk they say – parents, I mean – when you get older. Just so damn embarrassing …

  Terry Hey, it’s a hell of a lot better’n being told you’re a stupid asshole or something, believe me …

  Jennifer Nice. You get that often?

  Terry Just from birth on.

  Jennifer Wow.

  Terry Yep. After a while, it sticks …

  Jennifer Sorry.

  Terry Ahh, not your fault – unless you’re thinking it to yourself right now.

  Jennifer No way. / I think you’re pretty OK.

  Terry Good. / Ouch …

  Jennifer ‘OK’ is totally great – geez, you don’t know much about teenagers, huh?

  Terry Not really …

  Jennifer You got kids? / None?

  Terry Uh-uh. / No. Not that I know of …

  Jennifer You want one?

  Terry Only if she’s a princess …

  Jennifer Ha ha! (Grins.) Seriously, though.

  Terry Umm, I dunno. We’ll see … I still got a few good years in me yet.

  Jennifer Maybe … (Laughs.) Got a girlfriend or anything?

  Terry Nope. Not a one. / My God, you’re a nosy little thing! That’s …

  Jennifer Ex-wife, then? / Just wondering …

  Terry And why ‘ex’? How do you know I don’t have a wife waiting at home?

  Jennifer … You wouldn’t be yakking away on the thirteenth tee of this shithole if you had somewhere better to be … How’s that for being Nancy Drew?

  Terry Not too bad! (Smiles.) Nah, I’m a single man. And you … what do you got? Some cute guy, I’ll bet …

  Jennifer Yeah, I know a few, sure. Boys, I mean … that I’ve dated or who, you know, wanna try stuff with me – but no, I’m not hooked up with anybody at the moment, if that’s what you’re asking …

  Terry Great. (Mumbles.) What was your name again – ‘Buddy’?

  Jennifer No! I don’t know why he named the place that. It’s so gay! Buddy’s just sounds so, so retarded …

  Terry I don’t mind it …

  Jennifer Yeah, well, then you’re probably a little bit retarded or something.

  Terry I like to think of it as special.

  Jennifer I bet … very special.

  Terry That’s me …

  Jennifer Anyways, I’m Jennifer. I’ve told you that already …

  Terry Oh, that’s right. Jennifer. I do remember that now … sure.

  Jennifer Good. (Offers up her soda.) Here … Have some.

  Terry No, that’s OK …

  Jennifer Go ahead, I don’t have a disease or anything … promise.

  Terry Umm … No, I don’t need your …

  Jennifer It’s hot out. Go on.

  Terry I can buy one, that’s no problem.

  Jennifer The machine is way back there … by the clubhouse.

  Terry ‘Clubhouse’. That’s a good one.

  Jennifer Whatever! (Grins.) You know what I mean … the snack shoppe. Go ahead. Have a swig. / ’S 7-Up, so it won’t kill ya.

  Terry Alright. / Thanks for the warning.

  Terry carefully reaches for the twenty-ounce. Takes a swig.

  Jennifer Geez, I didn’t mean finish it …

  Terry Oops! (Spits some up.) Shit …

  Jennifer Ooh, that’s pretty …

  Terry God, I’m sorry … how suave was that?!

  Jennifer Kinda right up there.

  Terry Damn, that’s embarrassing …

  Jennifer Don’t worry, I do a bunch of shit like that – I’m practically famous for doing goofy crap. / … I’m not just gorgeous; I’m a spaz, too.

  Terry Good to know! / I’m glad … and you are, actually. You really are.

  Jennifer What’s that?

  Terry Gorgeous. I mean, for some fifteen-year-old cleaner-upper person …

  Jennifer Thanks. (Laughs.) You’re a riot … that must be another one of your jokes. The ‘un-funny’ kind.

  Terry Hey, I’m just warming up. (Taking another guzzle.) Umm, what is that? Strawberry or …?

  Jennifer Yep. (Grins.) Lip gloss. (Beat.) I … might want another sip outta there at some point … so don’t take it home with you.

  Terry Oh, hey, here … have it.

  The two of them stand looking at each other for a moment without saying anything. Traffic sounds in the distance.

  Jennifer So … what kinda car you got?

  Terry ’S an old Buick that I fixed up …

  Jennifer Cool. I like cars.

  Terry That’s nice.

  Jennifer Is it?

  Terry Yeah, it’s nice to like things …

  Jennifer I like all kinds of stuff. (Beat.) Fact is, I’m gonna do that when I get older … buy up old stuff and maybe even sell it again.

  Terry Like, what, a junk dealer?

  Jennifer Something like that. You see that show on television where guys go around and judge other people’s things? / Tell them how much it might be worth?

  Terry Yeah, I think so … / Uh-huh.

  Jennifer They call it a ‘roadshow’. That’s the name of it on PBS, an Antique Roadshow. ’Cause they travel from town to town, I guess …

  Terry You’re fifteen … How come you’re not watching The OC or whatever they call it?

  Jennifer I do, I watch all kinds of stuff. Look around, mister … / (Pointing.) Not, like, tons to do in town …

  Terry Right. / I hear ya.

  Jennifer So, yeah, the tube gets a workout at our place … And by the way? I’m not, like, a genius or anything … but why is it ‘The’ OC, anyway? It’s Orange County, where they come from in California – they say it right there on the show. Orange County. I mean, you wouldn’t say ‘the’ Orange County, right? Anyways, it’s stupid … that’s not how come I watch my other shows, but still. ‘The’ OC. Dumb. (Beat.) ’S probably why it got cancelled …

  Terry Could be. (Smiles.) And so that’s your goal in life? To check out other folks’ crap and then … what?

  Jennifer Just that. Look at it, decide how good it is – tell ’em what they can sell it for or what it’s worth … (Grins.) That’d be pretty neat.

  Terry I guess.

  Jennifer And maybe I can even cheat ’em at it sometimes – you know, like, tell ’em a false price and then buy it from them. Get an old painting or a chest of drawers dirt cheap … without ’em even knowing it – that I practically stole right out from under their noses!

  Terry Nice goal. (Laughs.) Jesus …

  Jennifer Hey, it’s a living. / Kind of like what your brother did … right?

  Terry True. / Right! Good memory, kiddo.

  Jennifer Thanks. (Beat.) And what do you do, anyway?

>   Terry Umm – I’m sort of a security guard.

  Jennifer Like a cop? Eeeww …

  Terry Well, not really. I’m unarmed … can’t be a full-on cop ’cause I got a little bit of a record … / Apparently I was a bad boy when I was younger.

  Jennifer Oh. / Hmm. Interesting …

  Terry Yeah … I work nights mostly now, and I guard shit for folks. (Beat.) From little thieves like you.

  Jennifer Ha ha! (Laughs.) You mean, like, at their houses?

  Terry No, not always … Usually I work at a store or some warehouse, few construction sites … that sort of deal. / Evenings.

  Jennifer Oh. / That’s interesting …

  Terry No it’s not. It’s a job, which is OK, and I have days off, which is the good part. I’m not the deepest sleeper, so it gives me more time to, you know – do stuff like this. / Drive around. Read. (Grins.) Golf, of course …

  Jennifer Nice. / Sweet!

  Terry Why is that ‘sweet’?

  Jennifer Well, otherwise we’d’ve never met.

  Terry That’s true. / I do …

  Jennifer See? / Shit always works out for a reason – that’s what I think.

  Terry ’S a good philosophy there, lady.

  Jennifer Yep. I think it’s fate … you and I met for a reason.

  Terry That’d be nice if it’s the case.

  Jennifer I think it is … / Oh, wait, except you’re looking for my dad, right?

  Terry Then great. / Yeah. Kinda.

  Jennifer And why’s that? Not that I’m all, like, nosy or whatever, but …

  Terry Just ’cause. / Wanted to say hi. Thought I’d drop in, surprise him.

  Jennifer Yeah, but why? / Oh. So, you know each other? I mean, like … / Cool. (Beat.) I can call ’em for you if you want. Or …

  Terry Umm-hmm. From a while ago … / No, that’s OK. I’ll get over there soon enough … (Beat.) You know what? You’ve got his eyes …

  Jennifer Oh. (Quietly.) You like my eyes?

  Jennifer grins at him; Terry blushes and turns away from her. To divert this thought, he studies the golf course.

  Terry So … how good are you at this?

  Jennifer At putt-putt?

  Terry You could probably kick my ass, right?

  Jennifer Prob’ly.

  Terry Don’t be so sure, now … I learned it from a pro.

  Jennifer No way.

  Terry True, no, he wasn’t a pro golfer or anything, but he was good at this. At all sports, really, but this one the most … putt-putt. It was years ago, but still …