Neil LaBute, Plays 2

by Neil LaBute

Jennifer Yeah? / Huh.

  Terry Yep. / We did it all the time when I was about your age. Him and me.

  Jennifer So lemme see you, then.

  Terry What do you mean?

  Jennifer Do it. This hole …

  Terry Now?

  Jennifer Sure. Show me what you got …

  Terry You’re kidding, right?

  Jennifer Nah, come on! If he was such the superstar, this guy you learned from …

  Terry He was pretty damn good.

  Jennifer OK, then.

  Terry studies her for a moment – a light seems to click on in his head. He slowly smiles at her. A bit unnerving.

  Terry Fine. (Beat.) What’s the bet?

  Jennifer What bet?

  Terry Hey, we gotta play for something, if I’m gonna humiliate myself … some little treat, the end of the rainbow. / (Beat.) You’re gonna make it worth my while, aren’t ya?

  Jennifer Oh, I get it. / I see …

  Terry Yep. (He smiles.) So?

  Jennifer Umm – whatever you say. Up to you.

  Terry Fine – I get a hole-in-one … I can have anything I want. How’s that?

  Jennifer … Like?

  Terry Now … come on. Don’t make me spell it out. Any-thing. / As in, what-ever-I-choose.

  Jennifer Oh. / Ohhh – so that’s how it works, is it? Ha! You’re bad!

  Terry I knew you weren’t ready for this.

  Jennifer Hey, I’ve done plenty, so don’t do that ‘you’re just a kid’ thing … (Beat.) I mean, not, like, everything, but lots. (Grins.) Some.

  Terry OK, then there it is. A challenge. I’m throwing down the gauntlet or whatever, like they used to … back in olden times. (Mimes dropping a glove.) There.

  Jennifer Ha! (Grins.) And if you don’t? Make it in one, I mean … then what?

  Terry I’m screwed.

  Jennifer … Sounds like the opposite to me.

  Jennifer laughs at this – long and loud. Terry joins in.

  Terry Exactly! That’s a good one …

  Jennifer See what happens when you add a punchline in there?

  Terry Yeah, it really works, huh?

  Jennifer Sure does. (Grins.) So, if you’re not able to get it in the hole – let’s see … alright, here we go. / You miss, then I get a shot at it. I win, I pick. Fewest shots to get it in’s the winner …

  Terry What? / That’s the game?

  Jennifer That is the game. Sound good?

  Terry … Not if I was smart it doesn’t. (Grins.) Sounds like the cops are waiting off in the bushes there to jump my ass …

  Jennifer Ha! (Laughs.) That’d be so cool!

  Terry Yeah, great …

  Jennifer You know what I mean. It’d be so funny if that were true – but it’s not. It’s just little ol’ me.

  Terry That’s OK … Anyway, they’d never find where I hid the body. (Grins.) Would they now, Buddy?

  Jennifer stops short and looks at Terry. Not happy with that one.

  Jennifer Eeewww … don’t say that. ‘Buddy.’ / I don’t like it …

  Terry Sorry, I thought that was your … / Isn’t that what you said was …?

  Jennifer Yeah, but it’s what my dad says to me. He calls me that. That’s gross if you do it, too …

  Terry Oh, I see. Sorry.

  Jennifer Right? / It’s …

  Terry Sure. / No, I understand now …

  Jennifer ‘Jennifer’ is fine. Or ‘J’. A few of my friends call me that. ‘J’.

  Terry Good, then that’s the one for me. Hey, J.

  Jennifer Hey there, mister. Whose name I don’t know, by the way …

  Terry That’s ’cause you never asked … Go ahead. Guess.

  Jennifer Umm … Lance?

  Terry No!! ‘Lance’ sounds like … God, like one of those male strippers or some shit. / ‘Lance’!

  Jennifer Yeah, exactly! / Must be that smile of yours …

  Terry You sure it wasn’t this? (Does a few very self-conscious moves.) How ’bout this? Oooh, baby, ooooh …

  Jennifer bursts out laughing again – she thinks Terry is the funniest thing around. He may well be, in fact.

  Jennifer Oh-my-God. That’s so sick! / Stop! / I’m gonna puke, stop it! Eeewww!

  Terry What? / I’m amazing, right? / You’re loving it, aren’t ya? Huh?!

  Jennifer You wish! Don’t ever do that again or I can’t be seen near you …

  Terry Then I will stop immediately.

  Terry is true to his word; he stops after one last little ass shake, just for effect – the effect is Jennifer having another nice chuckle. Terry smiles, too.

  Jennifer Man, that was really ugly. / Awful!

  Terry Thanks. / Thank you, J …

  A moment between them – Terry breaks it by pointing back up the steps to the upper level and towards a small mat.

  I tee off from here?

  Jennifer Yep. Unless you wanna go from the kids’ spot. / Just to be safe …

  Terry No thanks. / I’ll roll the dice on this one …

  Jennifer Then go for it, Lance.

  Terry does a quick hip shake – Jennifer laughs again.

  STOP!

  Terry ’S your own fault.

  Terry lines up his ball with a hole on the top level. He shoots it through the windmill and he waits. The ball is slow to arrive; it comes to a halt far from the hole.

  A burst of real anger from Terry – he quickly controls it.

  FUCK!! / Goddammit!! / Yeah, sorry, it’s … family trait.

  Jennifer I’d probably go with motherfucker on that one. / Too bad for you … somebody’s got a little temper there. / Nothing I haven’t heard, but you should work on that. Give yourself a heart attack that way.

  Terry nods. He walks back down and shoots the ball into the hole. Stands up and grimaces over at Jennifer.

  Terry Two.

  Jennifer walks over and puts out her hand for the putter. Terry gives it to her, but keeps a hold of it.

  Jennifer looks up at him innocently. Neither person moves for a moment, then she pulls him to her. A kiss. Slow and simple – over before either one can think better of it.

  … Hey.

  Jennifer Sorry.

  Terry I didn’t say it was a problem. All I said was ‘Hey.’

  Jennifer Good ‘hey’ or the bad type?

  Terry Which do you think?

  Jennifer I’m holding out for the first one.

  Terry … I’ll get back to ya on that. (Beat.) You’re pretty young to be throwing kisses around like that.

  Jennifer Says you.

  Terry Hmm. (Puts hands on her shoulders.) Maybe I should just keep you right here till I decide what to do with ya …

  After a second, Terry kisses the top of her head and then slowly removes his hands. Jennifer takes the putter and saunters over to the stairs. As she walks slowly up and over to the tee, she trips on the lip of the last step.

  Jennifer See?! Told ya …

  Terry smiles and waves her off – Jennifer chuckles, then bends over and drops the ball. She stands and hits it.

  They both wait and watch – the ball drops quickly through the first tube and towards the hole. Rolls past and stops.

  … Shit! / That wasn’t supposed to happen.

  Terry Hell, yeah! / Ohh, baby!

  Jennifer So funny. (Moves down the steps and into place.) God …

  She takes another shot and misses. Throws down the putter in disgust. Terry does another little ‘dance’ then stops.

  Fuck. Awwwww, that’s so fucked! / I mean, God! / Shit …

  Terry Oh yeah! / Yes! / Whew-heeww!!

  Jennifer … Silly.

  Terry Yes, I am. I’m very silly. (Starts to dance.) But you still lost …

  Jennifer Yeah, yeah, yeah. And you promised about the dance …

  Terry True. / Sorry …

  Jennifer You did! / Whatever. So?

  Terry What?

  Jennifer So what’s the damage? / Come on …

>   Terry Oh. That. / (Beat.) Why don’t we … you know. Let’s get outta here.

  Jennifer Yeah, but to where?

  Terry I dunno. Let’s go for a ride.

  Jennifer Just you and me?

  Terry Us – let’s drive around a bit. Talk about stuff. (Nervously.) Don’t worry, we can figure something out … It’d be fun, right? Little drive around town and we’ll just … you know … see what happens. (Beat.) Come on.

  Jennifer … I dunno. (Beat.) I’m not s’posed to speak to strangers, remember? / And you could be a bad man … Terry ’S a bit late for that. / … Could be.

  Terry provides the best smile he can muster – Jennifer swallows it down whole. Shrugs.

  Jennifer Fine. Better’n hanging around this place. People here suck.

  Terry Yeah? Even your friends?

  Jennifer Uh-huh. Even them. Most times, anyway. (Beat.) So, you gonna go get your car or what?

  Terry Yep … I’ll park in that side lot.

  Jennifer OK, see you in a few minutes. I gotta go lock up now …

  Jennifer pulls an elaborate key chain out of her pocket – glass ball or something. Twirls her keys and looks at him.

  Terry That’s fancy. What is it? / No?

  Jennifer Nothing. / My dad gave it to me …

  Terry Huh. (Beat.) And what’s your daddy gonna say to you taking off early?

  Jennifer Why, you wanna drive by and ask?

  Terry Uh-uh – don’t think I do, J. / Nope.

  Jennifer No? You sure? I can swing ya right past there. / Good. Me either.

  Terry Fine … I guess it’ll be our little thing, then, right?

  Jennifer Yeah. Just yours and mine. (Gives him a peck on the cheek.) A secret.

  Terry Yep.

  Jennifer You can keep a secret, can’t ya?

  Terry … Sure.

  She moves off and down a trail back towards the clubhouse. Terry watches her – he stands completely still.

  Sound of traffic and the woods.

  Three

  The space has been converted once more – this time into a bi-level section of manicured lawn. Expensive plants and flowers spilling from various cultivating beds. Several tasteful benches placed carefully about. A statue or two.

  Terry stands by himself, looking out into the surrounding woods. He is dressed in a sports jacket and tie. He holds a small plate – it has the remnants of cake and ice cream on it.

  After a moment, Terry looks around and then goes to tuck his garbage inside a bush. Drew – dressed in an expensive suit – enters and watches. He’s holding a fluted glass.

  Drew … Go for it.

  Terry whips around and steps away, a little embarrassed. Drew smiles and holds out his arms – Terry stays where he is. Drew walks over, gives his brother a half-assed hug.

  Terry Hey there, Drew.

  Drew Hi, dude … thanks for coming.

  Terry Look, do we have to do this again? I’ve asked you before – do not call me that.

  Drew Right, sorry … bro.

  Terry Asshole.

  Drew I’m just joshing you, man! I know, I know … I remember all about the lingo. / Off limits, I get it.

  Terry OK, just so you do. / Yeah.

  Drew Totally.

  Terry You are such a dumbfuck, man. It’s really almost hard to fathom …

  Drew I just do it to piss you off.

  Terry Yeah, well, it works …

  Drew Awesome! (Smiles.) Hey … how’s your baseball team? ’S all good?

  Terry I don’t have a team, Drew, I’m the ump. I told ya. / Yeah, really …

  Drew Really? / Oh. I thought … huh. (He shrugs.) Anyway.

  Terry Yeah, anyways … nice to see you, I guess.

  Drew You too. / Honestly it is … (Beat.) You look all … I dunno. Something. Rested or whatever. / Could be that tie ya got there! ’S a beauty …

  Terry Yep. / Good. / Yeah, thanks! Pulled it outta my sock drawer … (Beat.) You happy to be outta that place?

  Drew Course! I mean, of course I am …

  Terry I bet.

  Drew Great to be home and all that, off with my kids and everything … it’s fantastic. Absolutely.

  Terry Then I’m happy for ya … (Pointing to the drink.) … I mean, cheers.

  Drew Ha ha! I’m only having the one … anyway, it’s just some sparkling cider. (Smiles.) Mostly. / So … (Beat.) But thanks, Terry. It is very much appreciated.

  Terry Oh. / No problem.

  The brothers stand looking at each other – unsure how to proceed. Listening to the various sounds around them.

  Drew You believe that? I pay a million-eight for this house and a fucking farmer next door sells off two of his fields to somebody else … now I’ve got this subdivision going on right over there, some shitload of condos – fuck! Thanks to that money-grubbing piece a’ shit.

  Terry That sucks … sounds like something you’d do.

  Drew Yep! (Laughs.) Offered the son-of-a-bitch twice what he was asking but he held out and probably made ten times that … got it zoned and now my land value is screwed on this place. Back in the day I would’ve blasted his ass with a lawsuit, but you know what? I’m just gonna breathe deep and let it go. / (Beat.) ’S the ‘new’ me.

  Terry Pretty cool. / Impressive …

  Drew Ahh, I couldn’t win it or I’d probably still sue the cock-sucker …

  Terry No doubt.

  Drew I hate that shit! When somebody’s actually in the ‘right’.

  Terry Yeah, that just eats at the heart a’ you lawyer types.

  Drew Hey, hey … I’m a businessman now. All respectable and whatnot …

  Terry Yep. You and Don Corleone there.

  Drew Exactly!

  Drew laughs it up at this one. Terry goes over and pulls his plate back out of the bushes. Drew waves him off.

  Hey, man, leave it … that’s what the Mexicans are for. Seriously. / (Beat.) It’s only worth paying ’em if they gotta scramble around and do the dirty work … otherwise I’d just use the neighbour kids.

  Terry Nah, it’s OK. / I got it.

  Drew Dude, they’ll probably eat it, I’m serious – they’ll thank me later.

  Terry No, I shouldn’t’ve done it – it was rude. I know Judy does a bunch of stuff out here, so I’ll just carry it back with me. Wasn’t thinking. / (Beat.) Figure I’m gonna get going.

  Drew Whatever. / … Already?

  Terry Yeah … it’s a bit of a drive and I don’t wanna get tied up in Sunday traffic.

  Drew Everybody’s gonna be coming back in this way. You’ll be fine.

  Terry Still …

  Drew I mean, whatever you want, but the kids’d love to see you a bit. They always ask about you …

  Terry That’s nice. (Beat.) Hope they like that stuff I brought ’em. Not much but it’s, you know, some puzzles – games and shit. Children like that kinda thing, right?

  Drew Sure. / Of course they do.

  Terry Good. / Great.

  The two men stand silently for a beat, nodding at each other. Sound of construction in the distance.

  Drew … But they’d love to see ya, bro. That’s what I’m saying. Spend some time with you …

  Terry … Maybe next time …

  Drew Yeah, but you’re here right now …

  Terry Drew, next time, OK? Just leave it there, would ya? (Beat.) You always gotta push things – let it go. It’s what I’ve been working on and I’d suggest you do the same. Let. Go.

  Drew Fine. / I’ll tell ’em … fine.

  Terry Alright then. / Good. See you …

  Terry nods and starts off – Drew calls out before he can disappear.

  Drew … What’s the problem, man?

  Terry What?

  Drew I’m just saying, where’s the five-alarm blaze all the sudden?

  Terry I told you. I’m tired and I need to get back …

  Drew You didn’t say that before. About being tired …

  Terry Yeah, well, I
was implying it. / My ‘drive back’ and all that.

  Drew Right, right … / Then go for it.

  Terry Thanks.

  Drew holds out his hand for the plate. Terry slowly walks back to him but doesn’t give it up yet.

  Drew I’ll take it … that way you can go out the side yard. Sneak off if ya need to so badly …

  Terry … I’m not sneaking off …

  Drew Bullshit. That’s OK, just say it.

  Terry I’ll walk right across the fucking bandstand, you want me to so bad. (Beat.) I need to go – not trying to make a big deal out of it …

  Drew Fine. I mean, ’S just my ‘welcome home’ party, that’s all, so …

  Terry Man … don’t, alright? Do not do that shit or I’ll – (Works to stop short.) NO. Used to be I’d wanna smash you right in your … fucking face. Ya know? But I been letting it go – my anger – and this is how I handle things now. What you see happening here. Got a little bit of control. (Lets out his breath.) ’S OK. OK, I’m good.

  Drew Wow. Impressive. / Very cool. / No, I mean, it’s fine, I just …

  Terry Yep. / Uh-huh. (Breathes out.) So … that’s, you know. / Doesn’t matter, anyway … (Beat.) You don’t care if I’m here or not.

  Drew Now, where’d you get that?

  Terry Ahh, maybe because it was Judy who called me, to even lemme know this was happening – or ’cause I’m standing around for an hour and a half while you’re yakking away to all these other people … Maybe some thing like that.

  Drew Shit, bro, that’s not … / Dude …

  Terry STOP IT! / Stop fucking doing that! You make me sick with your silly little act, OK, so shut the fuck up, I swear to Christ! / I mean, fuck …

  Terry tosses the dirty plate to the ground, angry and disgusted. He is seething now.

  Drew cringes and looks over his shoulder, towards the house.

  Drew Terry … / It’s alright, they can’t hear us way out here.

  Terry I don’t give a shit who hears us, Drew! I don’t know any of those people … associates a’ yours.

  Drew The kids, then. I don’t want the kids to get worried … / (Beat.) ’Kay?

  Terry God! … / (Frustrated.) Aaaahhh!

  Terry takes a moment, gaining back his control. Few more breaths and a little muttering to himself. He paces.

  Come on, come on now, come on … (Deep breath.) Do it. / Kinda. / Yep.

  Drew ’S OK. Guess it’s hard to stop it overnight, right? / Big personality change like that. / Sure. I get it.