Neil LaBute, Plays 2

by Neil LaBute

  Bobby I thought we said that I’d –

  Betty Bobby, no, it’s not a big – it’s only a hundred bucks. Take it.

  Bobby Fine. Whatever. (Smiles.) Anyways, you’re just paying me now so you don’t owe me anything later. I know you.

  Betty No, don’t say … No. That’s not nice.

  He pockets the cash. Snaps open a beer and takes a drink. Looks at his sister but can’t hold her gaze.

  Bobby Doesn’t have to be nice as long as it’s true. ‘The truth hurts’ – haven’t you ever heard that one before?

  Betty No.

  Bobby What? You’re lying …

  Betty Not at all – is that a saying, or …?

  Bobby Jesus, that’s the oldest one in the book!

  Betty Huh, well, I’ve never heard it.

  Bobby ‘Truth hurts, don’t it?’ You’ve really never heard that? (Beat.) Come on, Dad used to say it. All the time …

  Betty No …

  Bobby Oh, for Chrissakes! Come on! He did so.

  Betty Then I don’t remember it … ‘Truth hurts.’ Hmm. No. (Beat.) I thought it ‘set you free’ or something …

  Bobby That’s insane. I mean, we sat at the same dinner table for, what, twenty years or so, off and on, and you don’t remember the old man saying that? (Imitating him.) ‘The truth hurts, Bobby. Stings like a bitch. That’s why they call it that … the truth.’ He must’ve said it, like, a thousand times! At least that, if not more …

  Betty That’s a pretty good imitation …

  Bobby Fuck that, it’s spot on. Spot. He was always saying that kinda shit to me.

  Betty Well, then, you must’ve been a bad boy when you were younger …

  Bobby Yeah, right. (Smiles.) I did my share … Not a professional like you, but still.

  This makes them both smile. She reaches over and gives a little tussle to his wet hair. She checks her watch.

  You seriously don’t know that phrase? ‘The truth hurts’? I mean, I’m just …

  Betty Bobby! Shit! Of course I know it. Yes … of course I do! I mean, please. Everybody knows that one – I was kidding! God! I was pulling your leg.

  Bobby Really? You were?

  Betty Yes, obviously. ‘The truth hurts’, that is so old, it’s a … Trust me. Yes, I remember him saying that. And not just to you. Others, too. Over the years.

  Bobby So you did remember? You were just giving me shit about it, but you do know?

  Betty Yeah. ’Fraid so.

  Bobby Oh.

  Betty Sorry. (Smiles.) Truth hurts, don’t it?

  Bobby … Ha. Bitch.

  Betty Nope. Sister.

  He grudgingly smiles then looks round the place. Takes it all in as he drops the towel on a counter-top. Shaking his head. She wanders over to a wine glass, takes a sip.

  Bobby Anyways … (Pointing.) So this is nice. It’s very what? Rustic, I guess. Cute. With all the little … (Points.) Whatnots.

  Betty Yeah. (Smiles.) It’s good to see you …

  Bobby You too. Uh-huh. (Beat.) Hey, how’d you fuck up the car there? Your front side-panel and all that?

  Betty Oh, God, that’s … so dumb! I was, this is ridiculous, but I hit one of those carts at the market. Shopping carts?

  Bobby Yeah, I know what they are. You did, huh?

  Betty Uh-huh. Didn’t even see it – you know when people leave them out in the lot after unloading, they won’t walk it over to the thingy where you’re supposed to –

  Bobby The cart corral.

  Betty What?

  Bobby ‘Cart corral’. That’s what they ask you to do – return them to the corral. That’s the name for it.

  Betty Really? I didn’t … Huh.

  Bobby Used to work at Safeway, remember? When I was a kid. (Beat.) You used to come in and shoplift …

  Betty True. (Beat.) Anyway, that’s what I did.

  Bobby Huh. Bet ol’ Bruce was pissed …

  Betty Not really. (Beat.) Pretty quiet about it, like usual. Like he is about most things.

  Bobby Yeah? I guess so … he’s kind of a pussy about that sorta stuff. Like … ‘life’.

  Betty Bobby, don’t.

  Bobby I’m just saying … (Smiles.) That’s all.

  Betty What?

  Bobby He puts up with a lot of your shit.

  Betty What does that mean?

  Bobby Nothing. Just that. Dinging car doors and all your, ya know, conventions and stuff. Shit I’d never let you get away with …

  Betty Yeah? You wouldn’t?

  Bobby Fuck no.

  Betty Well then, I’m glad I didn’t marry you!

  Bobby Ha! (Laughs.) I bet you are! You and about a million other girls …

  Betty And I don’t go to ‘conventions’. I’m not a salesman … they’re conferences. They’re a big deal, some of ’em, with people from all over the country speaking. Authors. / They’re an important part of my job …

  Bobby Yeah, whatever. / Anyways, I’m sure you got a deductible on it. The car.

  Betty We do. It’s not bad, really. A scratch … Bruce barely did anything when he saw it. I think he said he could ‘buff it out’.

  Bobby nods at this, seemingly satisfied. He glances about the room, taking it all in. Betty watches him.

  Bobby Huh. (Beat.) We gotta do all this tonight?

  Betty I’d like to, yes. We’ve got people lined up to come see it and so we’d like to get it all … anyway. (Beat.) We call it ‘semi-furnished’ but this is a bit much …

  Bobby No shit! (Beat.) You shoulda told Hansel and Gretel to clean up after themselves.

  He picks up a book, studies the cover as he finishes his beer. Makes a face and drops the book back down.

  Betty I know! It’s a lot, right?

  Bobby I mean, fuck. Yeah. Kinda.

  Betty Sorry, but I just … anyway, not all of it has to go. Most of the furniture can … I’ll show you. Sections. In fact a lot of it can stay, but …

  Bobby OK. Just thinking I coulda brought the 450. Lots more cargo space.

  Betty True.

  Bobby You shoulda said something, or … it’s a long way to go back now. In the dark.

  Bobby lifts up a couple of magazines. Snooping. Drops them.

  Betty I know. This just came up. I didn’t have anyone to – Bruce had a call he needed to make so he stayed with the boys … and so I’m – yeah, I’m sorry. It wasn’t planned so I didn’t think about …

  Bobby Doesn’t matter now. I’m here.

  Betty Right.

  Bobby You asked and I came running, so let’s … just … you know? Do it.

  Betty True. OK. (Looking around.) Let’s start in here and move outwards. Do upstairs last.

  Bobby ’Kay.

  Betty Sound good?

  He nods his head and looks around. What to do first?

  Bobby Fine. Work’s work.

  Betty Another thing the old man used to say … one of his many ‘wisdoms’.

  Bobby Yep. (Beat.) Thought you might enjoy that – if you could remember it. (Smiles.) Idiot.

  Betty That’s me …

  Bobby Always doing some stupid thing. Right?

  Betty Hey …

  Bobby It’s true. When we were kids? That’s completely true … you were a total dumbshit.

  Betty Yeah, well, maybe, but who’s making more money now? You or me?

  Bobby Fuck that, money’s got nothing to do with being stupid.

  Betty Oh, really?

  Bobby Course not! That’s the real ‘American dream’. Don’t matter if you’re a dumb fuck, did shitty on your SATs, you can still drive around in a Cadillac and be a big shot …

  Betty That’s quite a theory there …

  Bobby Absolutely true. I’ve made choices, led to where I’m at, what I get paid – same as you and where you are. This big college professor at some liberal arts program. So what? Point being, neither one of us ever left home. That’s kinda pathetic …

  Betty Hey, it’s something – don’t
say that. I’m proud of what I’ve … Doesn’t matter. You think what you want. I’m happy with where I’m … Plus, I’m the Dean now, which is …

  He holds his hands up in mock-respect. Makes a face.

  Bobby Awesome. It’s what you do. You make more than me because you’re free in the summer and that’s all. Same salary, less months. I figured it out on a calculator once.

  Betty Ahhh. Thought it didn’t matter.

  Bobby It doesn’t. I was just curious …

  Betty Sure.

  Bobby I was! I don’t give a shit how much you make, sis, I promise, or where you live or the house sits up on a hill. That’s not me, what I’m interested in. (Beat.) We’re both better off than any dude you meet on the street in Africa, and I mean any country they got down there. Any. That true or not? Seriously.

  Betty God, the way your mind works, it’s –

  Bobby It’s not racist.

  Betty Oh, really?

  Bobby It’s not! I didn’t say who: I mean any dude you see, white guy or a black one. Doesn’t matter. Poor bastard was born in that shithole, he is just plain fucked and that’s all there is. He’s gonna get Aids or, or, like, his hands cut off or sold into slavery – I’m saying in the past, but they still do shit like that, taking kids for their armies – It is a fucking nightmare down there. The dark continent indeed, right? Fucker’s as pitch black as the bottom of their own goddam feet. You know? It’d suck to be African.

  Betty Bobby. (Beat.) They’re white.

  Bobby What?

  Betty The bottom of … Forget it.

  Bobby No, what? What?

  Betty Most African – all black people, I mean, in general – their feet are white. Or pink or whatever … on the bottoms.

  Bobby No …

  Betty Think about it.

  Bobby That’s … (Dawns on him.) Oh yeah. That’s true.

  Betty See?

  Bobby But …

  Betty I’m just saying. So …

  Bobby Whatever! You know what I fucking meant. It’s an analogy.

  Betty Yeah, but not one that works …

  Bobby I don’t give a shit! Dark as their faces, then! Or the inside of their armpits. All the rest of ’em’s black, correct?

  Betty Eyeballs.

  Bobby Whatever! Whatever dark spot you wanna pick then, that’s what Africa is like. BLACK AS FUCK.

  Betty Fine. Jesus. (Beat.) Can we just …?

  Bobby Anyway, that has nothing to do with the first part of what I was saying, anyway. (Beat.) First bit I said was about being stupid and a pain in everybody’s ass … which was very much your story. Right?

  Betty What are you talking about?

  Bobby ’Bout you as a trouble-maker. That’s what started the whole conversation …

  Betty I know, I know, but that’s not …

  Bobby Lemme just finish. I’m just saying that a lot of things happened in our family – all this crying and tension and shit of that nature – due to choices you made. Guys you picked to run around with. You wanna say it’s fine, no big deal, you were a kid, but lots of lousy times came from what you did. Mom moving out the house for a while even, siding with you – I hated her for all that. Now, it’s all crap that you’ve straightened out, I agree, still at the time it was pretty monumental to them as parents and us as a family … but you just had to keep on doing it. You wouldn’t listen to anybody in those days, not even Mom, after a while … Nobody could tell you shit. So. (Beat.) That’s me just clarifying what I meant by ‘stupid’ when I said it earlier. No offence. No harm done, I guess. Off ya go to grad school and life seemed to move on and then, poof! Outta nowhere, back ya come again, teaching at our local college like no one remembers anything you did or all the, like, heartbreak you created … (Beat.) Most normal people can’t do that sorta thing: wipe the slate clean and do it all over. I’m just pointing that out.

  Betty has stood by and listened to Bobby’s little rant.

  Betty Ha!

  Bobby Seriously. I couldn’t.

  Betty I should’ve just called the moving guys! Didn’t know I’d get a free Dr Phil hour.

  Bobby Hey, I’m just talking. You’re the one who got into the pissing contest about status and pay cheques, all that shit.

  Betty I stated a fact, that’s all.

  She turns and moves toward a stack of empty fruit boxes. Bobby watches her go as he cracks open another beer.

  Bobby Right.

  She stops and turns to him. Tension is starting to build.

  Betty I did.

  Bobby You pushed a button.

  Betty I thought it didn’t matter.

  Bobby It doesn’t, but … hey … keep pushing.

  Betty What? It either does or doesn’t …

  Bobby You know what it does. (Beat.) Try it out on your husband there, when you get back home – who makes even less than me, by the way – see what that presses …

  Betty All I said was –

  Bobby You did the same thing you always do, any time we’re together …

  Betty No, that’s not at all what I –

  Bobby Yes, yes, you do, you get into the money thing a second after any argument starts or if we talk about the past, it’s all ya got! It’s your only ammo so you use it … I understand what you’re doing, I do, but it gets pretty old pretty fucking quick. You’ve made a name for yourself in your field, you read papers out loud to people every now and then, folks who don’t give a fuck what you wrote, they just want to read their papers … (Shrugs.) So what?

  Betty Bullshit, Bobby! That is bullshit and I don’t do that … about my position. (Beat.) God, you are so like Dad that way, I mean really … so goddam judgemental! I think I’m doing fairly OK for me – as a woman, as, as a teacher, whatever! I mean, shit!

  She stares him down. Bobby shrugs and leaves it alone.

  Bobby Betty, please. Fuck. Come on … I didn’t mean to start a ‘thing’. (Beat.) Can we just pack this place up, OK? I do not need to sit up tonight talking about us and where we are in life. I don’t. You’d like nothing better than to show me your pay stubs but I have places to be, things that mean more in my life to me now than a plaque on my door. I got work tomorrow and I know you’re on your whatever-the-fuck-you-call-it so you can sleep in …

  Betty Sabbatical …

  Bobby Which sounds all important and religious but really just means you asked for time off to dick around and read novels, so …

  Betty How did we come out of the same womb? I’m being serious, how?

  Bobby We didn’t. I was raised by wolves.

  Betty True.

  Bobby And you ran with ’em. Didn’t ya?

  Betty Who?

  Bobby The wolves …

  Betty Ha! You’re funny.

  Bobby Whatever. (Beat.) I mean, let’s be true … you had a pretty good go of it when you were younger, like, just the number of guys you ended up with … for being, you know, a pretty average girl.

  Betty … And what’s that mean? Huh?

  Bobby Nothing! No … we don’t need to get into this stuff and I’m just your brother, so what the hell do I know, but you weren’t like some gorgeous person when you were fifteen, sixteen. You were sorta chunky, even. Your legs were OK but you had a kinda dumpy ass. Not so big, but dumpy … (Beat.) Anyway, that’s all.

  Betty Thank you …

  Bobby I’m just pointing out some things …

  Betty OK, I don’t need any – Can we get started? Let’s just … I really need to get through this … shit … tonight. (Beat.) We can get together some other time and fight.

  He shrugs his shoulders and stops himself from going on.

  Bobby Fine by me. (Beat.) When did this happen, by the way? Your little secret?

  She stops and looks at him strangely – it takes a moment before she speaks. He gulps down some beer.

  Betty … What do you mean?

  Bobby I’m saying this cabin, when did you guys get into all this?

  Betty Oh. Right. Ju
st … a while ago …

  Bobby Yeah? You never told me. (Beat.) Strange that you’re buying up local …

  Betty What?

  Bobby I dunno … property. That you guys are out doing that and, you know, in this economy, yet I never knew it. Interesting.

  Betty Oh.

  Bobby I never heard a word. Per usual.

  Betty Sorry. We’ve been busy, you know, with … And it’s just one, OK? That’s all. Just the one unit. (Beat.) We always wanted a place near the lake and it’s great for us to use it … or rent it out as we … Yeah.

  Bobby But they’ve gotta be converted and shit, right? When you switch them over to being rentals and all that. True?

  Betty They’re … I mean … Yes, but …

  Bobby Huh.

  Betty So? What?

  Bobby I’m not saying anything.

  Betty Yes, you are. What?

  Bobby No, nothing, just that I’m a carpenter and, you know, do that sorta work, so it just seems … odd … that you’d buy a thing like this and don’t even …

  Betty That’s not it at all.

  Bobby No?

  Betty No, it’s not. Bobby. Bruce just wanted to do some of it himself and then we got to the point where it’s – God, you’re always so … fucking … ready to take offence!

  Bobby Yeah, well … There’s a lot of offenders out there. And I don’t just mean women.

  Betty Well, good. How progressive of you.

  Bobby I’m not including the cunts I date. (He smiles.) That was a joke …

  He smiles and grabs a box. Starts filling it with books.

  Supposed to be, anyway. Probably not for someone as cultured as you …

  Betty No. Probably not. Or someone, say, human.

  Bobby That’s not true, uh-uh. I knows lots of humans who woulda laughed at that. Lots. Only stuck-up pricks don’t laugh at funny shit …

  Betty Nice. Remind me never to accept an invite to one of your bar-b-cues …

  Bobby Ha! When would I ever have you over to my place?

  Betty I was kidding.

  Bobby Me, too. I mean, about the ‘cunt’ thing. But seriously, when? I stopped asking you to hang out with me years ago … big sis.

  They stop for a moment – they’ve been circling each other, looking for a place to strike. To move in for the kill. Betty checks her watch again. Bobby finishes his beer.

  We should get going, if we’re gonna strip this place down. (Grinning.) I will not be doing any windows, by the way …