Neil LaBute, Plays 2

by Neil LaBute

  Betty Yeah? You’re old-fashioned like that?

  Bobby Nah, I just hate looking at my fucking reflection. (Beat.) I feel like such a failure. Maybe if I made more money …

  Betty Ha! (She laughs.) Stupid.

  Bobby I know you are, but what am I? (Beat.) I told you, you’re the stupid one, not me.

  Betty OK, I got it, I’m stupid, cool – now can we get down to business?

  Bobby Yep.

  Betty Alright then.

  Bobby It’s your place, tell me what to do. Betty Umm, those books are fine, what you were going to do, that’s great. I’m gonna grab these … along with a few other small bits and then I’ll just need to wipe down the fridge and maybe the toilet and tub … Oh, and there’s a file cabinet that I wanted us to … (Points.) The loft.

  Bobby looks up the narrow stairs to the loft space.

  Bobby Ohhh … (Considering this.) Why?

  Betty What?

  Bobby I’m just asking … why’re you taking all the books and, and … the officey crap?

  Betty Because –

  Bobby It’s none of my business, just tell me and I’ll shut up. (Beat.) Doesn’t matter.

  Betty No, it’s fine, I’ll … I’m going to gift a few of them – the good ones, hardbacks – to the library and then, you know, I thought I’d take the rest over to, I don’t know, the Salvation Army or somewhere. (Beat.) You know how I am about books …

  Bobby Cool. I was just curious.

  Betty And the files are – I mean the cabinet, not anything inside – is mine. From when I was going to make this my office … and then I just left them here, but now I figure I’m – Anyway! Blah-blah-blah. Right?

  Bobby Hey, you said it. (Smiles.) So …

  Betty Fine. So … yeah, let’s just separate the textbooks and stuff out. You can do all of those. (Points.) I already started in the loft but these can go, too.

  Bobby Got it. (Beat.) Where is this guy? What’re we gonna do here, put the rest in storage or you wanna dump it all?

  Betty Umm, he’s … How did you know that? That it’s a guy who lived here …?

  Bobby Oh, you know … stuff. It’s guy stuff. The way he keeps it and everything. Sorta in order but messy.

  Betty Huh.

  Bobby And dusty, too. Guys aren’t, like, great at cleaning and shit. We arrange good, if we have to, but the actual lifting up of things and sweeping under and around? Not our strong suit. Plus, I don’t think a girl is gonna pick out here as her first choice of safe spots … way out in the forest. (Beat.) So, is it?

  Betty What?

  Bobby A dude who lived here?

  Betty Umm … yes, I think so. Bruce does most of the actual … But yeah, I believe this was a man. Who stayed here. Yes. A boy.

  Bobby Great. (Looking around.) Lot of stuff for a guy. Magazines and shit. Was he a fag?

  Betty Bobby!

  Bobby What? Gay, then. Fuck, you’re so … was he gay? I mean, look. (Beat.) The New Yorker.

  Betty Why would you ask that? Or care, even?

  Bobby I don’t. Just curious.

  Betty Yeah, but … (Looking around.) Where does that come from? Whether he’s …?

  Bobby Just the little shit. Magazines stacked on the coffee table like that. That blanket there, tossed on the edge of the couch.

  Betty So?

  Bobby So – he wants me to notice what he’s got. It’s all a look, which is what gay guys do a lot. He wants me to be aware of it, but not too much. They call it ‘studied casual’. I saw a thing about it once. On Ellen or one of those fucking shows. (He looks at Betty.) What? She oughta know …

  Betty Wow, that’s quite a little … theory … you got there. About this guy.

  Bobby I’m just guessing … but I bet I’m right.

  Betty I don’t know. Sorry.

  Bobby Doesn’t matter.

  Bobby picks up a photo off a shelf and holds it up. Nice-looking young man smiling in the picture.

  This the guy?

  Betty I dunno. I guess so.

  Bobby Picture of himself in a silver frame. From Tiffany’s. Guy’s definitely gay …

  Betty laughs and goes back to picking through stuff. The picture is replaced by Bobby, who continues to browse.

  Betty Stop! (Waits.) He’s a second-year senior, that’s all I know. Working on his thesis and, umm … needed a quiet place to live.

  Bobby Cool.

  Crack of thunder and lightning. Lights flicker again.

  Betty Yeah, but he … I think Bruce said his family – mother, maybe? – has cancer … not long to live or something like that.

  Bobby Huh.

  Betty … He took off and left his stuff here. Guess he figured the deposit would cover the … you know … I’m not sure about the rest, actually. (Beat.) We’ve got people now who wanna take a look, so …

  Bobby Oh. (Beat.) Fine, let’s pack it up and we can toss it, or however you wanna do it.

  Betty Great. So, you start with books and I’ll do the … personal effects.

  Bobby OK then. (Beat.) Can we turn it up? The music, I mean. While we work?

  Betty Umm, sure. That’s … why not?

  Betty drifts toward another part of the room – not really cleaning up so much as picking through things. Bobby goes to the radio, searches for a station. Lands on something.

  He moves back to the books and begins packing. One song is just finishing – something from the eighties – and U2’s ‘I Will Follow’ comes on next.

  After a moment, both brother and sister are bopping their heads and moving a bit to the music. They notice and then come together, dancing wildly (or as ‘wildly’ as folks in their forties can dance) until the song is over.

  Bobby has to coax his sister to let loose at times, but they both continue.

  Bobby Come on! Go for it!

  Betty What? I’m dancing! These’re all the moves I’ve got!

  The music ends. Next song is a slow one and they start to move to it as well but come to a fumbling stop.

  They collapse where they are in the room. Betty turns off the radio as they both suck down oxygen.

  Bobby Hey! What’re you doing? I was just starting to get into it …

  Betty Can’t take it! Oh shit, I’m old! When did that happen?

  Bobby You and me both … I gotta start to, you know, jog or some shit. I mean, one of these days …

  They both smile and then laugh. Still both out of breath.

  Betty Well, good, we’re getting lots done … (Grins.) Dammit! No more radio … come on.

  Bobby Aye aye, captain. (Beat.) Hey, U2 really used to fucking rock, didn’t they? Like, back in the day. / When even that guitar guy had hair …

  Betty Yep. / Bobby!

  Bobby And before the other one started thinking he was Jesus or somebody.

  Betty Ha! Who, Bono?

  Bobby Whatever. Dude with the sunglasses. Guy decided to feed the world and, like, two albums later they sucked ass …

  Betty Can you just … (She waves him off.) Go do those shelves.

  Bobby Am I wrong? Bono. (Beat.) And ‘The Edge’! Not ‘Edge’, no, ‘The Edge’. I mean, who in the fuck calls themselves that?

  Betty I don’t know! I was busy with my own life the last … however long. I didn’t follow U2 and all their … whatever. Exploits.

  Bobby Well, good, then I can fill you in on all you missed. (Smiling.) Don’t buy anything after Joshua Tree. The rest is crap.

  Betty Got it.

  Bobby Just a little tip. I mean, seriously … Zooropa. The fuck is that? (Pointing.) And now, the books …

  Betty Thank you! God, you’re a piece of work …

  Bobby Yeah, I know, I’ve been informed of this at various points in my life. In so many words …

  Betty Ha! (Smiles.) I can only imagine.

  Bobby You can more than imagine – you know both of my exes.

  Betty This is true.

  Bobby In fact, I think you sided with both, if memory fucking s
erves …

  Betty The first one, absolutely. Second time all I said was ‘Save yourself and get the hell out.’ Is that siding with her?

  Bobby I think technically, yeah.

  They both laugh at this – time heals all wounds, I guess.

  Betty You didn’t speak to me for almost a year after Yvonne left you. Maybe longer. Up until that next Christmas.

  Bobby I know.

  Betty Which was hardly fair …

  Bobby You said some shit. Some pretty mean shit at the time which I didn’t care for …

  Betty I know, but …

  Bobby Seriously, we can laugh about it now but during the break-up –

  Betty – during the break-up you were being a really first-class asshole to her … and I was getting sick of the 911 calls.

  Bobby Maybe that was my relationship and you didn’t need to have your nose in it …

  Bobby swoops over and picks up a box. Begins to pile some books into it.

  Betty Maybe your wife asked me to help …

  Bobby Maybe you were too fucking close to my wife for your own … Fuck it. Whatever. Let’s drop it.

  Betty Happy to.

  Bobby I mean it.

  Betty I do, too. Honestly.

  Bobby We have hashed all of this out already a lot of times …

  Betty Too many …

  Bobby Maybe so, yeah. So let’s just … Books. I am on it. Books.

  Betty I’m gonna start in the kitchen now so we can keep this moving …

  Bobby Fine. Go for it.

  Betty moves into another area of the room – just a little kitchen extension – as Bobby continues with the books.

  Who the fuck was this kid, Barnes or Noble?

  Betty Ha! He was an English major … I think.

  Bobby Yeah, I figured that one out.

  Betty Well …

  Bobby So he was one of yours, then? This guy?

  Betty Yes. I mean, no, not really … technically I suppose he lands in my … but I’m not in that department any more. My office is now in the Humanities Building. Across campus from there, actually.

  Bobby Oh. But still … English falls under your jurisdiction or whatever. Right?

  Betty I guess so, yes. It’s not really that – ‘jurisdiction’. I’m not a cop.

  Bobby Whatever! Don’t bust my ass over words or you can pack up your own goddam boxes … understood?

  Betty Sorry. It’s a habit.

  Bobby Yeah, well … it’s none of my business, but Jesus! Give these guys a break, why don’t ya? (Pointing.) This is ridiculous.

  Betty What do you mean?

  Bobby Kid spent all his lunch money on books! Let ’em watch a movie once in a while … No wonder he ran away!

  Betty Why? What?

  Bobby He probably made up that cancer story … about his mom. Truth is, he couldn’t keep up with the reading assignments! Twenty-two years old and you ruined him for life with all your Tolstoys and Hemingways and those other douchebags.

  Betty You really have, like, no respect for anyone, do you?

  Bobby Sure, I do … not for writing fiction I don’t, but people who have actually done things, yeah, I’ve got a ton of respect.

  Betty What’s that supposed to mean?

  Bobby Guy who unclogged my septic tank week ago Thursday? Him I respect. That cop who got shot out on I-94 last month by some Asian dude he pulled over? I respect him a lot. But some rich guy sits down and types up a little novel – Great Gatsby or not – who the fuck cares about him? I like people who work for a living … not some pack of actors or dancers or dickheads like that. Artists are a waste of fucking space …

  Betty That is so … No … this is our usual fight we get into at, whenever … Thanksgiving or … so, no … not gonna do it tonight.

  Bobby Fine.

  Betty I’m not. NO.

  Bobby Whenever you wanna start up again …

  Betty Another time.

  Bobby I’m gonna feel the same way. Exactly the same, I promise you.

  Betty Fine, rain check then.

  Bobby You got it.

  Betty I mean … The Great Gatsby? (Beat.) I swear you go out of your way to say things that piss me off. (Beat.) How can you even …?

  Bobby Only good part’s when he gets shot.

  Betty Who?

  Bobby Gatsby! In the pool. I liked that.

  Betty Oh, for God’s sake …

  Bobby Or when he lets that chick drive his car and she smashes into the other – (Off her look.) Yeah, I know. Do the books!

  Betty Please …

  He nods and smiles, returning to the task at hand. Betty moves from shelf to shelf in the kitchen.

  Another blast of thunder. The lights flicker and go out.

  Awww, shit. Come on!

  Bobby You want me to do it?

  Betty No, God … the box is just in the mud-room there … Hold on. (Hands him a flashlight.) I got it.

  Betty disappears into another room. Flash of lightning.

  Bobby picks up another stack of books and moves to an open box. The book on top slides off and falls to the ground. A picture slips out of the pages and on to the floor.

  Bobby picks it up, goes to shove it back into the volume. He glances at the photo. Stops. Looks at it again.

  The lights flicker and come back on. Betty enters again.

  Bobby puts the rest of the books in a box, then crosses over to his sister and hands her the picture. Walks away.

  She looks at it. Over at him. He has returned to removing books from the shelves.

  What?

  Bobby Nothing.

  Betty No, what? Obviously you’re thinking …

  Bobby No, I’m not.

  Betty Bobby, come on … BOBBY …

  Bobby What?

  Betty Talk to me. (Beat.) Please.

  Bobby What would I be thinking? Hmm? What? (He shrugs.) You’re the one with the Master’s. You tell me …

  Betty Just say something! Ask me some questions or … just don’t give me the silent treatment. OK? Don’t be an idiot.

  Bobby You’re right – I shouldn’t do that, I do not wanna be an idiot, but you know what? It’s hard not to be. It is difficult not to be the dumbshit of the fucking month when you’re getting played. (Beat.) And I am, aren’t I? Right now. Oh yeah …

  Betty What’s that supposed to mean? Huh?

  Bobby You tell me. Sis. YOU TELL ME WHAT IS UP.

  Bobby continues to stack up books as Betty stares at him.

  Betty I can explain …

  Bobby Oh man, I hope it gets better than that.

  Betty What?

  Bobby That’s the worst line ever. Ever. ‘I can explain.’ Of course you can! I bet you’ve had your explanation worked out since the first day you … well, whatever the fuck it is you’re gonna tell me is going on.

  Betty Nothing is ‘going on’ …

  Bobby Oh, really?

  Betty No, it’s not. I mean, not in the present tense. ‘Going’ on, no, it’s not.

  Bobby Bullshit. You and your word games … don’t do the fucking Bill Clinton thing with me here, alright? Do not, because I will … fucking …

  Betty I’m telling you the truth, Bobby. You did ask and so I am telling you.

  Bobby Fine. Go ahead.

  Betty I am. (Beat.) There is nothing going on in the sense that you’re thinking. Honest.

  Bobby Great. Don’t worry about me. I handed you a picture, that’s all I did.

  Betty I know, but …

  Bobby The rest is your stuff. It’s your shit …

  Betty That’s what I’m saying, though, Bobby, I don’t have any ‘shit’ going on. It’s just a photo. (Holding it up.) Look.

  Bobby Of the guy. From here.

  Betty Yes.

  Bobby The guy from here and you.

  Betty I know that.

  Bobby Of you two standing there and … you know.

  Betty Uh-huh. Just ‘standing’.

  Bobby motio
ns for the rest, jumbling his hands together.

  Bobby Close. Your faces are close together and he’s … his arm’s around your …

  Betty I KNOW. OK? Yes, I’m aware of that fact.

  Bobby And yet you’re … all this time … you’re giving me the whole … bullshit!

  Betty What?

  Bobby Oh, I dunno! He’s a ‘second-year senior’ and ‘Bruce is the one who actually …’ (Beat.) That’s shit, all this is crap you’ve been saying to me so far! Right?

  Betty …

  Bobby RIGHT? (Beat.) I mean, ‘cancer’! Come on!!

  Betty Some of it. Yeah. Yes, it is. (Beat.) This was taken at a … We were at a seminar in, I don’t even remember. (Turns it over.) … There’s no date here … must’ve been in, maybe, January or around there. At a conference. On semiotics.

  Bobby Uh-huh.

  Betty And nothing! He was in fact a second-year senior at the time and I … yes, I didn’t tell the truth earlier. I knew him. Know him. Obviously.

  Bobby Obviously.

  Betty And … very bright and, and studying in my field so I was instrumental in moving him forward in the department, I mean, toward his degree. His thesis project. (Beat.) We are close here because of the cold – I was worried you’d overreact if I told you he was in my … So I didn’t. I chose not to.

  Bobby and Betty face each other. Very quiet for a moment. Finally, he turns back to the books and starts packing.

  What’re you doing?

  Bobby What you asked me here for … The fuck else am I gonna do?

  Betty I know, but …

  Bobby Didn’t bring me out here to chat, I know that. Not to open your heart up to me … I get it, got it, so let’s get done.

  Betty Bobby.

  Bobby I have a truck, I don’t ask questions …

  Betty That’s not why I –

  Bobby Yes, it is! Please don’t make me out to be a retard on top of the rest of it … do you mind? Just don’t.

  Betty I wanted your help. That’s why I called you.

  Bobby Yeah, to lift shit! Because you can’t fit all this crap in your goddam Prius, that is why – let’s not make it into something more than it is, sis.

  Betty Yes, but … I’m … I asked you to, to …

  Bobby To carry crates of this guy’s fucking papers and underwear outside, not because you actually need me. (Beat.) I’m a fucking pack horse to you, that’s all … a drug mule. I – GET – IT.

  Betty Not true. That is not …

  Bobby Just don’t! Please! Your condescending ways are always irritating, but today … (Indicating.) Right about here. Just in the back of my goddam throat right now.