Neil LaBute, Plays 2

by Neil LaBute

  Betty If you’d just let me … just …

  Bobby I don’t need any more explanation from you, I really don’t. It’s pretty obvious now … and the gory details are not what I wanna spend the rest of my night thinking about if you don’t mind. OK?

  Betty Alright. If that’s what you … really …

  Bobby Yeah, it is, thanks very much … (Beat.) Now I see why you’re in such a fucking hurry. So you can get home to Bruce … and ‘the kids’, you said to me! That’s just … fucking … creepy and pathetic, just so you know. TO USE THEM LIKE THAT. I mean, Goddam! Your own children …

  Betty I’m not gonna argue about this with you, Bobby … You don’t know any of the …

  Bobby And I don’t wanna! At all. You and your shiny name on your desk can’t make this look any better than it is, no matter if the fucking French do it all the time or not. Here in America we pretty much still consider this shit a commandment …

  Betty What does that even mean? You’re being …

  Bobby It sucks, what you’ve done, that’s what it means! SUCKS. (Beat.) If I was Bruce I would smash you right in the face …

  Betty Is that right?

  Bobby That is absolutely correct. Right in your goddam uppity little nose …

  Betty And we wonder why your marriages didn’t last …

  Bobby FUCK. YOU. (Beat.) Seriously, sis, I mean that from the heart. Fuck you. You think I hit either of those bitches more than they did me? Huh? I was behind about two hundred to one. Yep. Easily. But it’s all about the guy in that situation – one shot and you’re fucked. One little tap and now you’re a wife-beater. Scumbag. Meanwhile this girl you married – you used to adore every step she took – she is smacking on you like you’re a football dummy … every day, just the way she was raised. Screaming at you and wailing away and ya know what? Too much of that shit and I don’t care who you are. Anybody – and I mean anybody on this Earth – at some point, you’re gonna take a swing at her in return. I promise you will.

  Betty listens to him and doesn’t say anything back. Bobby stares her down.

  But I never cheated on either one of ’em. No, I did not. We maybe had problems and that’s a matter of record –

  Betty Public record.

  Bobby True enough, but I didn’t fuck around. On anybody, in fact, that I ever dated, even when I was young and good-looking and had chicks bending over toward me, asking for it – if I was with somebody, that was it. I saw that shit through to the end … did not even think about another skirt until I was finished with the one in front of me. Seriously. (Beat.) Dad taught me that and it stuck with me. To this day …

  Betty Well, great for you guys. So noble.

  Bobby Hey, hey, I’m not talking about great or, like, being Superman here – this is just a common courtesy that we’re supposed to do as people to each other. (Beat.) You’re in a relationship, OK. You’re with Bruce at this point, married with kids, that’s it – you’re not supposed to be banging anybody else. Get it? And not anybody else’s kid, either. Thought students were a no-no …

  Betty We’re not … (Beat.) It was cold out. That is all. I don’t know where you get the …

  Bobby Betty. Please.

  Betty I’m serious! I don’t need you doing any fantasising for me, alright? I can do it for myself if I need to, but I don’t. I’m fine with my life and I’ll tell you now: yes, I lied about knowing him. Yes, I did do that. I was embarrassed. I’m sorry … you caught me off guard so I just … He’s a boy from the English Department who I have given some … attention to … and …

  Bobby ‘Attention’ …

  Betty Yes, that’s right! Believe me, you teach this stuff over and over, middle of what most people would comfortably think of as ‘nowhere’ and someone shows up. My God … he’s actually read the material! He likes the subject, he can put two sentences to use in a paper … it doesn’t take much … and you make a connection. A connection with another person. It’s not carnal … it doesn’t mean you’re in heat or about to run away from your loved ones – he’s just some boy who understands what I mean when I talk about an author using metaphor and the animal imagery in Phaedra. (Looks at Bobby.) Doesn’t matter. He’s my friend. He’s just a second-year senior who was trying to live as cheaply as he could and I let him use this place to stay for a while – both of us went to a workshop in Delaware and someone took a picture of us. That’s not the end of the world. Or my marriage. Or anything else except your imagination on the loose and running wild … (Pointing.) Look at the photo. Think about what I’ve just said and really study it. Seriously.

  She holds out the photo and Bobby looks at it, but doesn’t commit to holding it again.

  Bobby Yeah, alright. Maybe.

  Betty It’s not ‘maybe’, it’s the truth.

  Bobby Fine.

  Betty Listen, I’m … this is …

  Bobby Don’t worry about it. You say that’s it, then OK. We’ll leave it there.

  Betty Bobby, please … I’m your sister …

  Bobby Fuck, don’t use that as a measure of anything.

  Betty Come on.

  Bobby I’m serious!

  Betty What?

  Bobby That’s … You throw that around when it’s convenient for you, that little label … but otherwise it don’t mean shit to you. (Beat.) Please.

  Betty You are … God, you can be cold sometimes!

  Bobby Hey, I learned from the pros.

  Betty Are you … referring to me? Honestly?

  Bobby You … and Mom … others, too. All of you guys growing up were icy bitches to Dad and me, don’t act like you weren’t.

  Betty … Bobby …

  Bobby And you were probably the worst of all. I mean it. (Beat.) Just old enough to hate a little brother. You had no time for me …

  Betty That’s not …

  Bobby Always kicking me outta your room or, or, like, screaming in my face or telling Mom that I’d done shit – usually shit I hadn’t touched, by the way – just to get me outta the way. Or if your boyfriends were over. You were a regular fucking terror …

  Betty Oh, come on … that’s stuff that everybody goes through! I mean, siblings do …

  Bobby Maybe.

  Betty ‘Maybe’ nothing … Why’re you even …?

  Bobby All I’m saying is you wanna act like you and me are all friendly now or when you needed your kitchen re-done cheap, slip me a hundred bucks that’s fine, but let’s not lie about it. (Beat.) We hardly know each other, sis, and that’s the goddam truth. It is and it’s pathetic. You and I are complete fucking strangers …

  Betty Well, I’m sorry you feel that way.

  Bobby I’m sorry you did so much shit to make me feel that way …

  Betty And it’s all my fault, right? I’m the one who’s done everything wrong, is that it?

  Bobby No, just enough to piss me off.

  Betty You’re impossible …

  Bobby So they keep saying.

  Betty I mean, sorry, but I see why you have so much trouble with dating and all that.

  Bobby I have trouble when girls turn out to be whores or bitches. That’s just me.

  Betty Whatever, Bobby, let’s not – why don’t I do this myself? Alright? (Beat.) It’s an obvious mistake, me asking you here.

  Bobby Why? Because I’ve found out about you and all the – what’d you call it? – ‘attention’ you’ve been given out lately? Huh?

  Betty No …

  Bobby I’m sorry that I find sin offensive.

  Betty Fuck you! Stop saying stupid shit like that …

  Bobby Then tell me the truth – do that once!

  Betty About what?

  Bobby About this … this whole … (Indicating.) … place you got here. Your love nest.

  Betty You’re crazy! Honestly, Bobby, you are just acting so … completely …

  Bobby Bruce doesn’t know a goddam thing about what you’re doing out here. (Beat.) Does he? I bet he’s got no sense of what …

/>   Betty stops cold and looks at her brother. He looks over at her and shrugs. Her face is slowly draining of colour.

  Betty That’s … you’re so full of …

  Bobby True or not? (Beat.) Hey! I’m asking you a question …

  Betty What?

  Bobby You heard me. (Beat.) Look at your face!

  Betty There’s nothing wrong with my face.

  Bobby You don’t look that way very often ’cause you hardly ever feel like you’ve done anything wrong, it’s always the other guy. I know, I’ve watched you do this a thousand times before, but I can see it there in your eyes … I’m telling the truth. What’s going on here is as foreign to Bruce as all those fucking conferences you sneak off to each year … (Laughing.) Fuck, he probably bought into this cabin thinking that you guys’d be … some income and an investment, or … like, for weekends and … and … (Beat.) No. That’s not … no.

  Bobby stops and looks around, taking in the cabin in a way he hasn’t yet done. Looks over at his sister.

  Wait a minute. Wait a goddam minute! Something’s not right here. This is …

  Betty What?

  Bobby If it was, you’d be doing this with him here and, and the kids’d be out running around – the whole line you fed me before about Bruce needing to be home blah-blah-blah … that’s made up. Isn’t it? BETTY?

  Betty No. It’s, no … he has a … he’s …

  Bobby You’d never have me over here, show it to me, if you didn’t have to … if you weren’t completely fucking desperate! I know you!

  Betty I needed your truck, I told you that …

  Bobby Yeah, but … (Stops.) Fuck. ‘Rental’, my ass. I bet that poor bastard doesn’t even know about this place! Does he? DOES HE?

  Betty … Of course. Yes. Bruce is … he’s …

  Bobby Yeah? Really?

  Betty It’s … it was a joint project. Yes, it’s been rented out to … this guy … and it’s now … but of course Bruce knows about it. I mean, of course!

  Bobby I do not believe you.

  Betty Jesus Christ! You’re just acting … so …

  Bobby reaches into a pocket. Pulls out his cellphone.

  Bobby Want me to prove it?

  Betty What’re you doing now?

  Bobby Nothing, I’ll just call ’em and ask if I should … (Looks around.) I dunno, if he needs me to fix that door there or if I should just leave it. He probably wants it fixed. With all the new prospects coming by. Right?

  Betty You’re such a fucker, Bobby.

  Bobby It’s true. I would … Lemme just ask.

  Betty doesn’t say anything. He gives her a chance, then pushes a few buttons. It’s ringing. Finally:

  Betty ALRIGHT!

  Bobby What? (Pops the phone closed.) Hmm?

  Betty Bobby, stop being a dick, OK? For just one second. Can you?

  Bobby If I really concentrate …

  Betty Then do it. Please.

  Bobby ‘Please’ always helps.

  He smiles and puts his phone away. Turns back to Betty. She moves away and sits.

  Betty You don’t have any idea about my life …

  Bobby No, I don’t. We’re not that close.

  Betty Yeah, you said that already.

  Bobby And I’m actually sorry about that.

  Betty Sure you are.

  Bobby I am! I always wanted you to treat me as more of a brother than you ever did – You can’t look at me and tell me that’s not true. Hmm? Can you?

  Betty … I’m … Shit …

  Bobby Doesn’t matter. Now.

  Betty Listen, I have made some choices that – you’re right about this place. About Bruce. (Beat.) I’m doing this … alone … investing for the …

  Bobby Betty. Stop.

  Betty I mean, he’s … No, I’m not even gonna try and lie about it to you. I’m tired of it.

  Bobby Good.

  Betty I helped him find it. A place like this, it was inexpensive and, and out-of-the-way … so we just … we’re …

  Bobby Which I’m sure you liked …

  Betty And yes, I paid a few months of rent on it. That’s not a crime! (Beat.) It’s not.

  Bobby Matter of opinion, actually …

  Betty Is it? Really? Do tell, Bobby, I’d love to hear this one …

  Bobby You’ve got one chequebook, right? A savings account or an IRA or some shit, correct? (Beat.) Betty! At home. Am I right or not?

  Betty Yes.

  Bobby You throw your pay cheques together at the end of each month, don’t ya?

  Betty We do, but … it’s not like we’re …

  Bobby Yep. Like most married couples do. (Beat.) And then you go decide to take some and spend it on yourself. You and your boy’s rent and other shit, too, I’m sure, and that doesn’t even register to you? Nobody else in your family’s the wiser, so you think that means it’s OK. You tell me if that’s stealing or not. IS IT?

  Betty That’s a pretty broad … Come on, Bobby.

  Bobby It’s just plain math, Mrs College Dean. And that’s not all, either. I bet you’re sure it’s cool, the time you spend with this guy, running around to bookstores and, and … fucking foreign films and all the shit you folks enjoy up there on the quad.

  You don’t think those hours add up? Every meal you miss … all the times that you spend away from your own kids to be with this guy, to laugh and wander and fuck this second-year senior – do not kid yourself, Betty! Your family’s crying itself to sleep at night because they know something’s wrong in that house of yours. You are a first-class thief, my dear, every day you spend with this dude. (Beat.) I’ll bet Bruce even knows. Yeah. The back of his mind, he’s gotta feel something …

  Betty … I don’t think so. No.

  Bobby Then you’re fooling yourself! Seriously, that’s all you’re doing …

  Betty Bruce and I are … we’re spending a lot of time apart these days. In the same house but you’d never know it. Different beds and, you know … all that.

  Bobby … Oh. (Beat.) Well, OK, but still …

  Betty That’s just how life goes sometimes. I am not gonna blame him right now, when he’s not here to defend himself but … we’re … it’s complicated.

  Bobby It usually is.

  Betty Yeah.

  Bobby And perfectly simple, too.

  Betty Ha! Yep. That’s true, I guess.

  Bobby Yeah. (Beat.) So you two are … what? Separated, or … I dunno. You tell me.

  Betty Not yet. We’ve talked about a lot of … I’m not sure what’s going to happen. I worry about the children and I need to … I’m not gonna just make some stupid quick choice that’ll – but we’re not gonna make it the way that things are now. (Smiles.) Not something I’m proud of, but hey …

  Bobby No, I get it. It’s usually hard to keep a marriage going when your wife’s out there fucking somebody else.

  Betty GOD! That is so mean! Jesus Christ.

  Bobby Well …

  Betty Can’t you even try and understand where I am right now, how all this started? Huh?!

  Bobby I am trying …

  Betty That’s bullshit! You’re condemning me … that’s all you ever do. You love to see me down and hurting and this is just … this is like nectar to you. I think you are loving this!

  Bobby Hey, I didn’t make it happen …

  Betty Yeah, but you’re sure glad it did.

  Bobby I’m not surprised – let’s put it that way.

  Betty Everything is ugly through your eyes.

  Bobby I’m just a realist, sis. Don’t blame me.

  Betty It has never been just about … fucking … as you like to put it. With the situation here. I don’t care if you believe me.

  Bobby What is it, then? Companionship? Love?

  Betty Would that be so impossible …? Hmm? That something like that might happen to me or come my way? Is it really? Am I crazy to think that I might find some … happiness?

  Bobby Kinda. (Beat.) Seen you go through a l
otta relationships … not just Bruce, but guys for years and years and it never seemed like ‘love’ was the number one priority – I’m surprised it’s even on the list!

  Betty You’re disgusting.

  Bobby You’re just trying to make it look all … cutesy and sweet now that it’s obviously ended. Guy runs out on you and you’re all dreamy about it rather than just calling it what it was. (Best.) You had an affair, honey. You screwed a student. I bet it’s probably against two or three rules up at the school there, too.

  Betty Yes, it is.

  Bobby It’s sort of morally wrong, as well. Not that I’m gonna throw that in your face right at this minute, but just so you know …

  Betty That’s a big word for you to be using.

  Bobby Really? I don’t think so – I have plenty of morals. Always have. You used to skip out on Vacation

  Bible School. Not me.

  Betty So you’re a religious guy now? That’s –

  Bobby I didn’t say ‘religious’. Who said that? (Beat.) I’m saying I have a moral core, a centre that doesn’t waver … and that’s a fact about me, whether I swear too much or I’ve been divorced or, or whatever … lose my cool in a bar once in a while, it doesn’t change the essential nature of me as a man. What I believe. How far I’ll go or not and what I know is just absolutely against the laws of mankind. Not God, not that, but what every person should be willing to stand up and say ‘no’ to. I’ve got that in me and I’m not so completely sure that you do, Betty … not at all.

  Betty Really? You know that about me?

  Bobby I know some things. I do. (Beat.) I saw a programme on television the other night – I got the History Channel on, like, 24/7 – it was one of those shows where it has a real person on it. A documentary. About a guy who comes home from the war, and I’m saying just recently, from Iraq … and he was shot in the spine, he’s a cripple now and it follows his journey back. Recovery and his doing rehab, all that shit. Whole time I’m watching I’m looking at his wife next to him. Young, beautiful girl. She’s a rock – helping him with his pee-sack and they can’t have sex unless he has a shot or, like, one of those pumps in his dick but she’s still there, tucking a pillow in behind his … and all I’m thinking, the entire show, is how much I’d like to fuck her. Seriously. Find out the place they live and go down there and get her outta that situation. I mean, she’s gotta be sick of being on top by now, right?! Now that’s a kinda sick thought, I know, but the point being … I won’t do it. I’m not gonna track them down or pretend to run into her in a bar or, or at Chili’s and be, like, ‘Oh, hey there …’, because it would be wrong. She loves this fucking guy who can’t sit up straight and shits in a bag. He is her man so who am I to go get in the middle of that? Nobody, that’s who. It’d be a bad thing and a sin and so she’s now off limits. (Beat.) See?