by Maegan Abel
He eyed me, his expression telling me he was struggling too, even though he wouldn’t say it out loud. “How about your son being alive and home? That we can be togeth—”
“We’re not together!” I yelled, taking a deep breath to calm myself before I continued. “She’s been gone over a month. We’re not together. Our family isn’t all here. This feels wrong.”
“One day, Zane. I’m asking for one day,” Kas’ voice came from the doorway to the kitchen and I glanced over at her. “We’ve all been walking on eggshells for you and Conner for over a month, trying not to set him off and keeping you from losing it. I want one day.”
Guilt. As if I didn’t feel enough of it, Kas’ extra layer served its purpose. “Fine. I can’t make any promises, though.”
As everyone started making their way to the kitchen, crowding around the dining room table and two card tables Tish had brought in to fit everyone, I was beginning to feel claustrophobic. It didn’t normally bother me to be in a crowd, but maybe Kas was right. Maybe my mood had been shit lately and I was just making things worse for everyone else.
Conner was staring, as he usually did, at Kaitlyn. She smiled at him and started fixing him a plate, talking to him as if everything was normal. At first, it surprised me that she was so good with him, but she told me she’d always wanted to go into early childhood education. Her parents had been completely against it when she’d taken a gymnastics scholarship to pursue that, but she’d done it anyway. I felt bad knowing she was falling behind because of everything that happened. She’d dropped all her classes to come here and though I’d told her and Denni both they didn’t need to stay, neither of them felt any reason to leave. They wanted to be here when Lili came home.
If Lili came home.
It wasn’t the first time I’d thought it over the last few weeks, but it brought with it a dark cloud. It had been over a month. I knew enough to know the more time passed, the less likely we were to get her back. And even if we did, there was no telling what kind of things she’d been through.
I was yanked from my thoughts by a screech followed immediately by a plate smashing against the floor. More dishes shattered before I realized Conner had lost his cool. As I reached for him, he bolted, and seconds later, the sound of the bedroom door slamming echoed in the quiet, crowded room. I dropped my elbows to the table, pressing my fingers into my temples as I rubbed circles against my skin.
“Goddammit,” Tish muttered, shoving out from the table as he and Kas moved to clean up the mess.
“Jared,” my grandmother scolded, but he ignored her.
“This shit has to stop.” I whipped my head toward Tish when he spoke. “You need to punish him.”
“Are you kidding me? I told you this was a bad idea. I warned you he wasn’t up to it. This one is your fault!”
“My fault?”
I felt the eyes of everyone in the room, heard the murmurs as those closest to us tried to get us to take this discussion elsewhere. But I didn’t listen. “How can I punish him, Tish? You tell me. How do I punish him for that? He’s angry and scared and god only knows what else because he won’t talk! I don’t know how to fix it. I can’t. I…” I lost steam on my argument, dropping back into the chair from where I’d stood to face Tish, letting my forehead fall into my hands. “I don’t know how to do this anymore.”
Hearing Conner wail in the quiet, I looked up at the faces watching me, waiting for my reaction. Even Tish looked like he felt sorry for me. Fuck their pity. “You guys should enjoy your dinner. Sorry for the outburst.” I glanced at Tom and Marna, who still looked shocked, realizing it was their first time witnessing one of Conner’s tantrums. “I’m doing the best I can.”
I knew without a doubt what everyone in that room was thinking as I walked down the hall toward my son. They were judging me, judging my choices and my parenting. And they were feeling thankful they weren’t me.
Well, I guess I should have been glad I could help them find something to be thankful for.
Chapter Nine
Time
Early December brought with it uncharacteristically cold temperatures for Vegas. It seemed fitting, really, that the cold moved in and settled over us all. The overall mood in the house was grim, everyone’s tempers were on edge as our concern left us all feeling hopeless. At least, that was how I felt.
Between Conner continuing to act out, which seemed to be getting progressively worse, and being unable to get a word out of Tish about Lili, I wasn’t sure how I was supposed to feel anything but utterly helpless.
With the help of my family, we were all learning how to handle things. I started a new job as a paramedic with the fire department and was able to start slowly spending time away from Conner, though it was still nerve wracking. I checked in with whoever was watching him more than I should have, but I couldn’t help it.
As it got closer to the middle of the month, we’d all learned the signs, what would set Conner off, and seemed to be settling into this new reality I still wasn’t willing to accept.
A week before Christmas, while at the grocery store, I got a phone call I’d never expected. As much as I hated the harsh ringing of cell phones, I still hadn’t been able to put mine back on silent. I couldn’t risk missing any sort of update or possibly a call from Lili if she found a way out. When I checked the screen, I saw Tom’s number.
“Hello?” I asked, walking quickly down another aisle of the store as I distractedly grabbed the items I knew I would need for the week. I nearly dropped the can in my hand as the sound of a wailing sob came through the phone. It was distorted, obviously background noise, but the anguish in the sound was enough to make my blood run cold. “Tom?”
“Zane,” Tom said, his voice a little choked. “Are you at home?”
“No,” I said, glancing around myself. “I’m at the grocery store.”
“Can you come by? I…we have some news, but…you should come by.”
I swallowed against the dread and shook my head. “What’s going on?”
“Please, just—”
“No. Tell me,” I said, well aware that snapping at this man who had treated me better than my own father ever had wasn’t the right reaction. But something was wrong. Very wrong.
“It’s Elizabeth. She…” he trailed off on a sob. “We hadn’t heard from her so we went to the house to check on her…”
I saw feet scurry past and realized I’d slid to the floor, sitting against the shelves as I covered my mouth. “What happened?”
“She overdosed,” he sobbed. “It was…had to have been days ago. She was already gone.”
All the air left my lungs in a rush as his words settled around me. I hated Lizzie. Hated her for everything she’d done and all she’d put me through. I hated her for everything she’d put Conner through. Hated her for Lili being gone. But some part of me ached hollowly at the realization I didn’t want to make. I didn’t want her to be dead.
“I…” I started, not sure what I was supposed to say. My brain was struggling to process that Tom was still talking as a security guard walked over to me, no doubt tipped off to the person slumped in the aisle beside the generic cereal.
“Sir? Are you all right?” he asked, kneeling beside me, but keeping a careful distance. Apparently, I looked a little sketchy.
“I have to go,” I said into the phone, ending the call before looking up at the guard. “Sorry. Yeah, just got some bad news. I’m sorry.” I got to my feet slowly, waving off his help as I used the cart for balance to continue walking.
I aimlessly wandered the aisles, grabbing food that may or may not have been what I should’ve been after, thinking I needed to get home. But I couldn’t make myself go. I would have to tell Conner when I got home.
How in the fuck was I supposed to tell my son his mother was dead?
By the time I pulled into the driveway, it was dark out. I’d left in the afternoon, hadn’t I? I couldn’t really remember now. I popped the trunk, but sat in the car,
losing myself in the memories of the last few times I’d spoken to Lizzie.
She was an addict. I knew that. I’d known for years. I’d tried to get her help, but every time she ended up right back where she’d started. But this time…this time I’d pushed her to the edge. It was her fault Conner had been kidnapped and Lili was still missing, but did her addiction excuse what she’d done? Before, I would’ve said no. So what difference did it make now that she was dead?
I started when someone tapped on the window, glancing over to see Tish had just pulled in. I shoved open the door and started toward the trunk, still feeling disconnected from my body, my emotions, myself.
“Everything okay?” Tish asked, reaching in the trunk to grab a few of the bags. His hands had healed from whatever he’d done, but his face was starting to show the wear all of us were feeling.
“Yeah,” I answered, slipping my hand through a few of the handles before stopping. “Actually, no.” I turned to face him. “Tom called me earlier. Lizzie overdosed.”
“Is she…” he trailed off, either unable or unwilling to say it.
I nodded. “She’s dead.” I looked up at the front door. “What am I supposed to tell him? How do you explain that to a five-year-old? Any child?”
Tish lifted the bags he was holding out of the trunk and I glanced over at him, seeing the uncertainty on his face. “I have no idea. You just be honest, I think. You tell him his mom loved him very much and let him know it’s okay to be sad.” He sighed. “And you remember that yourself. It’s okay to be sad.”
“I’m not sad,” I said, yanking the remainder of the bags up and slamming the trunk. I didn’t give Tish a chance to contradict my words before heading inside.
As it turned out, telling Conner was just as hard as I thought it would be. While at first he seemed to have no reaction to the news, his outbursts became violent. According to Dr. Willis, he was lashing out because he didn’t know how to handle his emotions. That much, I believed. With his wild behavior, I was grateful Tom and Marna were understanding when I told them we weren’t going to attend her funeral.
Three days before Christmas, I was putting the last of the finishing touches on the Christmas tree. Normally, I would’ve put it up weeks ago, but just like everything else, it reminded me of Lili’s absence. Another holiday passing without her.
Paige and Nikki were laughing at my poor tree decorating skills, attempting to fix what was apparently a mess, when there was a knock at the front door. I groaned and pushed to my feet.
“Fine, you two seem to have things under control,” I said, trying to keep things light. Nikki was good for Paige. The more time I spent around them, the more I could see that. The ache never fully lifted from me, and I knew it never completely left any of us, but my family coming together was the only positive I seemed to be able to find these days.
I opened the door, surprised to find a camera in my face. It wasn’t that the reporters had given up, more that I kept expecting them to. It had been months without a single trace, but I’d been interviewed once and that seemed to be what they were clinging to.
“Can’t you give it up already?” I muttered, moving to shut the door just as he started to speak.
“Are you at all concerned now that the body has been found?” I froze, panic shredding apart any logical thought.
“Body?” I finally choked out.
“Yes. They found the female’s body during the search after the male body was identified,” he continued, clearly excited to have gotten a reaction from me. “Are you at all concerned about the body being identified as Kylee? That you might be linked to her murder?”
“No comment,” I answered absently as I slammed the door in his face. Turning, I saw Nikki and Paige, both wide-eyed and pale, before we all scrambled to the living room. I flipped channels on the television as Paige tossed me my phone, grabbing her laptop to start searching for a news story. I had one sentence on repeat in my mind.
Please god, don’t let it be her.
I would rather Lili still be missing. I knew, or I had some idea, of the horrible things she might be enduring day in and day out, but I was just selfish enough to hope she was still alive.
Paige was talking, telling me to call Denni, but I just stared at the TV, mindlessly scrolling the channels too fast for any of us to catch if they were talking about a body.
“Zane,” Paige said, the horror in her voice catching my full attention. She turned the laptop toward me and we all huddled around the screen to read.
Body Found Could Be Linked to Missing Gymnast
State and Local law enforcement have confirmed that the body found just south of Amarillo, is a young female and could possibly be that of missing gymnast Kylee Camden. Earlier this week, hikers discovered a shallow grave containing the body of Dominic Morris, who was identified by police as a suspect in the kidnapping of Camden and a minor child. Authorities have no leads on any connection between Morris and Camden or any motive for the kidnapping. The minor child, believed to have been living with Camden and her boyfriend, Zane Tishler, escaped from the kidnappers and was found in Tucumcari, directly east of where the bodies were discovered. Camden’s parents have been very outspoken since their daughter’s disappearance about their distrust of Tishler, asking several times in heartfelt and moving interviews for him to come clean and tell them where she was.
I stopped reading, unable to process anymore. I knew Lili’s parents had been pointing fingers at me. It didn’t bother me because I had nothing to hide. The police obviously didn’t suspect my involvement or they would’ve tried to interview me again. I picked up my phone, not having realized I’d dropped it, and dialed Denni’s number. It went straight to voicemail. I tried Kaitlyn next with the same result. They were probably being bombarded with calls.
“Can you watch Conner for me?” I said, almost choking as I tried to hang on to my emotions. I started backing from the room, only thinking about getting out of the house.
“Where are you going?” Paige asked, sliding the laptop onto the couch as she stood to follow me.
“Just…please, Paige? Watch him?”
She nodded and I turned, grabbing my keys off the table near the door. Luckily, there was still only the one reporter outside the house since the story had just been released. Later, I was sure there would be more. The creep tried to follow me as I sped out of the neighborhood, but I managed to lose him on the highway. I wasn’t sure where I was headed, just driving to get away from the house.
I couldn’t go to Texas, I wouldn’t be able to get any information there anyway. I couldn’t even go to the police because they wouldn’t tell me anything. Detective Sanders told me months ago, and again every time I tried to call her, she couldn’t give out details. That left going straight to the small apartment Denni rented after a few weeks of living in a hotel. I knew I could go wait with them until we got word on anything, and honestly, my brain told me that was where I was headed. It wasn’t until I walked through the door of Shadows that I knew I wasn’t ready to face the truth.
Ordering a drink, I sat at the corner of the bar, giving myself a clear view of the door as well as most of the room. I didn’t think I’d been followed, but that didn’t mean anything. It surprised me, though it probably shouldn’t have, that I could feel Lili here. I’d become accustom to her presence at the house—it always felt like she was there. I actually avoided places we’d been together as much as possible, not wanting to have to deal with this in public.
“Why the hell did I let you talk me into coming here?” Lili huffed, dropping back down into the booth across from me with a fresh drink in her hand.
“Hey, this was your choice. I just wanted to get out of the house,” I said, reaching for her hand.
We’d been home from Texas only a few weeks, but time to ourselves, without Conner, was rare. It wasn’t a bad thing, I was happy to have him with me, but I wanted Lili to know our relationship was important to me as well.
“Well, it
was a bad one. Taylor keeps hitting on me,” she said, rolling her eyes. I looked over her shoulder, eyeing the bartender who was giving me a scowl. I was struck by the urge to stake my claim on her, to point out that I won after all the times he’d tried to sleep with her.
“Not my fault. I suggested Lust, remember?” I laughed, squeezing her fingers.
“I’m just not sure I’m ready to go back there yet.”
I frowned, trying to determine what would keep her away now. “Why? You know, that night, watching you dance, that was the first time I realized just how sexy you really were. I couldn’t turn it off after that. Every time I saw you, I fucking wanted you.”
She glanced down at the table, hiding her small smile behind her bottle as she took a drink before meeting my eyes again. “That’s how Kaitlyn found me, you know. A video from that night. There was a website set up for tips and there were videos of me from before I came to Vegas. I was street performing, dancing, and that’s how they’d found me before.”
“Wow. So, someone watched those videos and then saw the one from Lust and sent that in?” I asked, shocked. She nodded. “Well, I think I need to go to this website and check out the other videos.”
She scowled at me and I laughed. “I think it’s down now that they know where I am. Plus, those were just crappy trick moves to get people to give me money. If you want to see the really good ones, I think Denni probably has some from when I was competing. There was one year when I was about nine…” she trailed off, tilting her head to the side and raising an eyebrow at me.
“What?”
“What is that smile about?” she asked, taking another swig from her bottle.
“You’re talking to me about your past,” I answered honestly, running my thumb over her hand. She looked down at the table again. “It’s a big deal to me. So, thank you.”
