by Maegan Abel
She gave me a small smile before releasing my hand and sliding out of the booth, moving over to my side and leaning into me. I tried, I really did, not to look up at Taylor. But I couldn’t help myself. I had her and I couldn’t deny how happy that made me.
I was an hour and somewhere passed four drinks in when it felt like all the air was sucked from the room. I couldn’t breathe as I watched her walk through the door and it took me a second longer than it should have to realize it wasn’t Lili. Disappointment laced with anger rolled through my stomach as she looked around, seeming unsure before her eyes landed on mine. She hesitated, possibly because of my expression, which definitely wasn’t giving her the okay to come near me, before heading my direction.
It pissed me off. It shouldn’t have, but it did. Why was she here? This place belonged to Lili. It belonged to us. It belonged to the life that we’d had and the memories we’d shared. Seeing her here, watching her walk through the crowd of this bar toward me, was too much. It wasn’t until she stopped right in front of me that I realized exactly why I was angry.
I didn’t want to know what she was going to tell me. I could see in her eyes, in the absolute grief there, that I didn’t want to hear it. I didn’t want confirmation that the person who held my heart was gone.
“Don’t say it,” I choked out when she opened her mouth to speak.
Kaitlyn sniffled and shook her head. “I didn’t come here for that. I wanted to make sure you were okay.”
I started to speak when Chris, the bartender working tonight, walked up to us. “Got ID?” he asked Kaitlyn, and I saw hesitation flash in her eyes. She wasn’t twenty-one. I knew that. Even though a part of me knew this would be a reason to get her out of this place, away from the memory of Lili, I felt bad, knowing how much she was hurting.
“Oh, come on, Chris. She dyes her hair and you pretend you don’t know her?” I hooked an arm around Kaitlyn in the manner I sometimes held Lili—not necessarily romantic, but with the familiarity of two people who spent a lot of time together. He narrowed his eyes at her and I pretended to lose interest in his perusal.
“You look good as a blonde. Usual?” he asked, already starting to head down the bar.
“S-sure,” Kaitlyn said, looking over at me with a questioning expression. When he slid the glass in front of her, I grabbed it, tilting my head for her to follow as I moved toward one of the booths near the back. My eyes lingering on the one I’d sat in with Lili, but continued past it.
She slid in across from me and I pushed her glass over to her before taking a long pull from mine. “Rum and Coke,” I said when she stared at it like she was confused.
“I…uh…I don’t drink.” Her cheeks turned a deep pink. I stared for a second, completely shocked that she was blushing. It was surreal to see, given that in two and a half years, I couldn’t remember ever seeing Lili blush. Unless she was angry. When she got seriously pissed off, her face would flush. And right before she’d come.
Where the fuck did that come from? I shook away the thought.
“I think if there’s a night to make an exception, it’s tonight,” I said, lifting my glass. “Trust me when I say alcohol brings the raging pain down to a dull ache.”
“Is that why you’re here?” she asked, hesitantly taking a sip of the drink.
I ignored her question and asked one of my own. “How did you find me?”
“Oh, Paige gave me a list of places to check. You weren’t answering your phone so I went to the house.”
I nodded, not sure what else to say. I’d left my phone in the car when I’d arrived at the bar, beyond ready to cut that tie now that I didn’t need to sit around and wait on a call anymore. The call I hoped for wasn’t coming. “Is she dead?”
Kaitlyn stared at the drink in front of her, seeming to study it for a long time before picking it up and taking a longer pull this time. “We think so,” she finally answered, making a face at the taste of the drink before tipping it up again.
I’d known this. I’d known it when I’d seen her face as she spotted me. But hearing her confirm it brought a heaviness that made me feel like I couldn’t breathe. “Where’s Denni?” I asked finally, surprised as I realized I’d always seen the two of them together.
“She went back to Texas. We were searching for flights when I tried to call and let you know we were going. We were hoping to get my parents to tell us more if we tried in person, but when you weren’t answering, I realized you must’ve seen the news and I wanted to make sure you were okay before we left. I was supposed to be on a plane ten minutes ago.”
“I’ll be fine. Don’t let me keep you,” I said, finishing off my drink and waving over one of the waitresses for another. Kaitlyn surprised me by swallowing back the rest of hers as well and holding up the empty glass.
“I think I’m beginning to like the idea of numbing the pain,” she said. She wasn’t smiling, but some of the agony I’d seen in her eyes had eased.
“Drink up, then,” I said, lifting my fresh glass to hers.
Chapter Ten
Mercy
Conner. As always, he was the first thought my sluggish brain came up with upon waking. Stretching my arm toward the left, where he normally slept, I blinked into the unusually bright light. Taking in the unfamiliar room, I groaned as the force of the memories made bile rise in my throat. A hotel room.
“Fuck,” I sighed, rubbing at my chest as if the painful stab of guilt and agony could be wiped away that easily. Kaitlyn. Thinking of her brought the reminder that yesterday was real. Lili was dead.
The room was empty, but just as I wondered whether she’d bailed, I heard heaving coming from the adjoining bathroom. That was probably what woke me.
Shoving myself upright, I headed that direction, even more guilt piling onto the already existing load as I remembered how much I’d let Kaitlyn drink. I was such a dick. I raised my fist to knock on the bathroom door just as the retching started up again. With a sigh, I tried the handle instead. The door slipped open easily and I glanced in, finding Kaitlyn on her knees in front of the toilet. I looked away immediately after taking in her modest bra and underwear. Closing my eyes, I steadied myself and moved into the room.
“You okay?” I asked, watching as she turned horrified eyes in my direction. Before she could respond, the heaving started again. I glanced around, spotting her purse spilled out on the counter. I grabbed the hairbrush, yanking one of the hair ties off the handle and moving closer. She groaned and held out a hand, probably trying to stop me, but I grabbed her hair gently, holding it back and loosely wrapping the band around it to keep it out of her face. “I’m sorry,” I sighed, moving to grab a washcloth. I wet it with cold water and walked over, placing it under her hair against her neck. “I shouldn’t have let you drink that much.”
She finally leaned away from the toilet, turning to sit against the wall near it. My eyes flashed to the black script on her ribs, just under the line of her bra, before moving back to her face. She blushed, wrapping an arm around her middle as her other hand pulled the washcloth from her neck and used it to wipe her face.
“Do you have any aspirin or ibuprofen?” I asked, getting up to check the contents of her purse. I found the small bottle of pills and set it on the counter, turning to face her. “Think you can make it back to the bed?”
She closed her eyes for a moment before starting to struggle to her feet. I leaned down, helping her up and walking with her to the bed. Once I got her settled in, I grabbed one of the bottles of water. She was propped up a little with her head against the headboard and the washcloth over her eyes.
“Can you turn off the light?” she asked, and I flipped the switch on my way by. It was still bright in the room given the shades were open, so once I left the bottle on the table, I went to shut them while she took the medicine. I dropped into a chair on the opposite side of the room, my brain a mess of images I couldn’t find words to even begin apologizing for.
All I could think about was
Lili. What kind of bastard did that make me? If thinking about another woman wasn’t bad enough, almost fucking someone pretty much made me the worst possible human being. That it was Lili’s twin sister made me lower than scum.
There was no excuse for what I’d nearly done and I wouldn’t try to find one. Was I drunk? Yes. Was I grieving? Absolutely.
Did that make it okay? Not in the slightest.
Because, truth be told, I didn’t want Kaitlyn. Not at all. I wanted Lili and some horrible, sick, twisted part of me felt like being with Kaitlyn could compare. Like she was so close to Lili that maybe…
I scrubbed my hands over my face, ignoring the tremble in my fingers.
“Beating yourself up over something that didn’t even happen isn’t going to make it better.”
I looked up at Kaitlyn when her voice cut through the silence of the room. She was watching me through squinted eyes, her face pained. I remembered a morning not so long ago when Lili looked just as bad after a night of drinking. I hated that I’d done it again. I’d thought about Lili instead of Kaitlyn. But it was impossible not to. I felt like I was either comparing their similarities or acknowledging the wildly vast differences between them.
“Seeking Absolution,” I said finally, leaning back in the chair and meeting her eyes.
“What?”
I gestured vaguely to my ribs, pointing out the spot where she was inked. “The quote. I am more than the mistakes I’ve made. Mercy by Seeking Absolution, right?”
She stared at me, seeming stunned as she nodded. “Yeah. Wow. I can’t believe you know who they are.”
I shrugged. “Underground rock is kind of a passion of mine. I always used to try to find new, unknown bands to listen to while I was sculpting.” I frowned, surprised I’d given up that detail so easily. It wasn’t something I really talked about. To anyone. “Music is just…healing. And inspiring.”
“The right song can save a life,” she whispered, and my eyes lifted back to hers. “I saw them in concert once. The night of my eighteenth birthday. They were playing this tiny club in Houston. It was one of those eighteen and over places that was supposed to be some sort of right of passage. I didn’t even go for them, I was dragged by my friend Allison because she had the biggest crush on AJ Hype from Practical Insanity. Seeking Absolution was the opening act. Apparently, they’d started out playing that club back before everyone knew who they were and since they were home, they popped in as a surprise, but refused to take the headlining spot from another band. It got everyone excited, but it was such a shitty day for me and Allison knew that. Birthdays were always hard because…well, because I missed my sister. Everyone kept saying it would get easier, but four and a half years later, I still ached to the bottom of my soul missing her. I thought I would know if something bad happened to her. Like, if she were gone, I would feel it.” She paused, clearly trying to compose herself as the tears dropped to her cheeks. “Seeking Absolution took the stage and I loved their sound, but when they started Mercy…I swear, it was like the song was written just for me. That night, that moment, it gave me hope.”
“Hope is a cold, dead thing,” I said, realizing how dark my voice sounded. It didn’t matter, it was true. Hope was dangerous. Hope could cut you down faster than anything.
“I guess it is.”
After a long pause, I finally had to ask. “Did you feel it?” I couldn’t help it, I’d thought the same thing. I’d thought I was so close to Lili, she was so much a part of me, I would automatically know if something happened to her.
“No,” Kaitlyn whispered, the haunted look returning to her face. “I’m starting to think all that crap I always believed about the connection between twins was nothing but bullshit.”
Sighing, I pushed myself to my feet, scooping up the shirt that had been discarded on the floor during our hasty entrance last night and pulling it over my head. “I need to get back to the bar to get my car and you need to rest. I’ll stop at the desk and pay for another night. You should stay here until you’re feeling better. Order room service once you feel up to eating, but keep it light at first or you’ll regret it even more. Do you need anything?”
She shook her head and I turned, heading toward the door. “Zane,” she said, and I froze. Just the way she said my name was enough to nearly destroy me. She waited for me to face her again. “Nothing happened.”
I looked down at the floor for a moment, unable to meet her eyes. “Only because you stopped it. I’ll check on you later, okay? Call me if you need anything.” Without giving her a chance to respond, I grabbed my shoes and headed out the door.
The cab ride to the bar was completely silent aside from the very soft music the cab driver had going. It was only then my anxiety really started creeping in. I’d stayed out all night. I hadn’t been away from Conner this long since before he was kidnapped and I couldn’t believe I’d made such a selfish decision last night. Everything I’d done, every part of my reaction, had been completely self-serving. Add that I’d left my phone in my car and I couldn’t even check in…hell, I was the worst kind of person.
I tossed the fare over the seat to the driver when he pulled into the back parking lot of Shadows. Luckily, my car was still there and seemed to be untampered with. When I climbed inside, I immediately grabbed my phone.
“Shit,” I said, tossing it into the passenger seat when I realized it was dead. They’d probably been blowing it up all night and I didn’t even have a charger in my car. At least I was only twenty minutes from home now, though.
I did my best to force myself to focus on each individual part of my drive, not wanting to give in to the grief that felt like it could easily drown me if I let it. I wanted to cry. And I wanted to yell and slam my fists against the steering wheel in a fit of rage. But I needed to check on Conner, smooth things over with my family, and then I could find time to let myself break down—even if only for a short while.
When I got home, I was surprised to see Tish’s car in the driveway. It was almost noon and I’d gotten so used to him always being gone during the day, I started to panic as I ran toward the front door. I fumbled my key a few times before I finally unlocked the deadbolt and hurried inside. The sound of cartoons coming from the living room relaxed me some and I headed in that direction.
“Shh. He’s finally asleep again,” Paige said, looking completely exhausted as she shuffled past me into the living room carrying a huge mug of coffee.
“I’m sorry,” I said quietly, taking a few steps into the room as I looked Conner over. “I—”
“Don’t. Excuses are like assholes,” she snapped, her eyes darting to Conner before she lowered her voice. “He knows when something’s wrong, Zane. He was freaking out most of the night when you didn’t come home.”
I took a deep breath, feeling no relief from the action. The drowning I’d thought I could hold off was trying to take me now, it seemed.
“We need to talk,” Tish said from behind me, catching me off guard. He turned to walk away and I glanced back at Conner before following him into the hall. He surprised me when he headed to his bedroom.
I stepped in the room, finding Kas pulling her phone from the charger. Tish tilted his head toward the door and she nodded, giving me a look of disgust before handing Tish her phone and walking out.
“You made things worse for yourself,” Tish finally said, leaning his back against the wall. “You’re going to have to lay low for a few days.”
I felt my brow crease as I tried to process his words. “What do you mean?”
He tossed Kas’ phone to me and I caught it, staring at the screen. “You were spotted. Someone took a picture of you leaving Shadows with Kaitlyn. The reporters are having a field day. We just had to have the police clear the street again. That was twice.”
“Fuck,” I groaned, running a hand through my hair as I looked at the picture, clear as day. I could only imagine what the captions were saying. “Look—”
“Don’t. I don’t need bullshit
excuses or explanations right now,” Tish said, taking the phone back from me and dropping it onto the dresser.
“She’s dead, Tish. I can’t…I don’t know how to get over—”
“She’s not dead.”
His words brought me up short. “Wh-what?”
“She’s not dead.”
“How? How could you know that?” I asked, stepping closer to him, my heart hammering against my ribs.
“Because I know where she is. I’ve known for a while, but it’s complicated. I have eyes on her and she’ll be coming home. Soon.”
Part Two
Living Hell
Lili
“People say hell is endless. They say it’s our worst nightmare, the face of our darkness. But whatever it is, I say hell is empty, and all the devils are here.”
– One Tree Hill, Season Nine, Episode One
Chapter Eleven
Missing Persons
October 21st
Where am I?
The hollow rumbling slowly morphed into a sound I recognized.
Tires.
Something pressed against my chest painfully and I groaned, forcing my eyes open. They focused on a head of short, blond hair streaked with black.
Conner.
I was laying awkwardly, half on my side, obviously having been dumped this way, and Conner was sitting upright, his weight against my chest as he slumped. I could see the movement of his shoulders as he breathed so I glanced around quickly, taking in our surroundings. A van. The cargo area was empty, but the front two seats were both occupied and a third person was sitting on the floor between them, facing backward.
I froze for a moment, certain he was watching me. As the van made a slight curve, his head lulled, and I realized he was asleep. It was dark from what I could see through the windshield, and I squinted my eyes, ignoring the bolt of pain in my head, as I tried to focus on the clock in the dash. It was just after midnight.
