The Standby

by K. A Knight

  Dashing away my tears, I lay myself open before him, showing him the raw ugly truth. “I test people, I always have, because I’ve learned that when you push people, when it comes down to it, people always let you down. They hurt you or they lie or they leave. I’ve seen it again and again, been hurt so many times it’s a fucking cliché, and every time I think it will be different. That they will stay, that they will love me enough to push back. To keep fighting for me. I test them, Logan, and they fail every single fucking time.” Tears roll down my cheeks unchecked as I meet those beautiful eyes. “I thought you—I thought this would be different. I always do, I put my own expectations on people because I would do anything for them, be anything they needed, but they can never do that for me. That’s my problem. I’m fucked up, I know that, but is it really too much to ask for someone to fight for me? To never give up the way I do?”

  “Ry,” he whispers, his hand reaching for mine, but it’s too late. His words of rejection settle into my soul and break what’s left of my heart. I was scared to give it to him, terrified, but what I should have been scared of was that he never wanted it in the first place.

  “You were right. I thought we had something...something special. Call it fate or just dumb luck, but I felt this. It was so real and so terrifying, but you made it worthwhile. You made it worth fighting for even though it petrified me.” Grabbing a napkin, I dab at my tears, uncaring about the looks being thrown my way. “But you want to give in to the fear, you want to run away even though you know this could be something special, then you do that. At least I know I gave this my everything, and even the hurt is worth it because it means it was real, but you, Logan? You were my biggest test and I didn’t fail, you did. What hurts...” I shake my head for a moment. “What hurts is you were already gone even while I was falling. You held me so tight, always reaching for me, but I should have known it was only due to your fear because in your head you had already pushed me away, let me go, so you were trying to hold on before that happened in reality.”

  His face falls, tears gathering in those depths as he opens his mouth. Dropping my napkin to the table, I push back my chair. “I don’t wish you anything but happiness, Logan, you deserve it. You’re an amazing, talented writer...and an even better man. One day I hope you find something or someone who makes you want to fight. To cut through all the horror and bullshit and just be real. To just be you.”

  I get up and walk away, leaving my shattered heart with the man I never saw coming but wouldn’t trade for anyone else, even knowing the outcome. It might be over, but for the time it lasted, it was beautiful. So beautiful and real that I know I can’t settle for anything less.

  True love exists. It might not come when you want or with whom you were expecting, but when it does, all we can do is grab it with both hands and hold on for as long as you can and hope it’s enough. Sometimes it isn’t, but that’s okay as well, because for that time you got to be so loved, so fucking loved that you’re the lucky one.

  Walking away from Logan is the hardest thing I have ever done, but when he doesn’t call my name or stop me, I know it I did the right thing for both of us. This was never made to last, we are from different worlds. Two lost souls meeting on standby.

  It’s over.

  I broke my own promise to myself not to fall for this man. Even though I was right about him wrecking me, it never hurt so good before. Such a beautiful tragedy.

  I manage to hold in the rest of the pain until I get to my hotel. My chin raised and lip quivering, I tip the driver and rush through the lobby to the elevator, and once I’m inside my room with the door shut, I lock out the world and finally let it explode from me.

  Sobs claw at my throat and tears run down my face as I slide down the door. Throwing my head back, I press my hands to my aching eyes, wishing I could take it back, wishing he would chase after me, come to my door and tell me I have it all wrong. But he won’t, I know that.

  Logan wants to believe in love, he looks for it in the darkest of places, but when he finds it, he’s scared of what it could bring, so he avoids it. Only he couldn’t avoid me, but before I could hurt him—what he thinks I would do to him—he hurt me to protect himself, and he always will. He won’t turn up at my door because deep down, he’s terrified of what someone loving him so fully and unconditionally could mean...especially when he doesn’t feel good enough.

  I know that, but it still hurts so badly. I finally found someone worth fighting for and just living in the moment with, and I wasn’t enough for him. Not enough to face down his demons, even if I would have done it with him by his side. So even though I know he won’t chase after me, I keep waiting for that knock on the door…

  One that never comes.

  Twenty-One

  I eventually pulled myself together, rubbed off my ruined makeup, and put on pyjamas and crawled into bed, falling into a restless sleep. When I woke up, I just laid in bed debating what to do. I wanted to spend my two days with him...I wanted him. That’s all there is to it.

  I wonder if he’s on his flight right now, I wonder if he even misses me...he didn’t say goodbye.

  Forcing myself from the bed, I shower and wash my hair before getting dressed and heading for breakfast. I refuse to ruin the last two days of my holiday. So what that he isn’t here? Yeah, I put my hopes on someone only to have my heart shattered again. I’ve picked up my own pieces before, I’ve glued them back together with determination and stubbornness and showed them to the world to dare them to try and break me down. I’ll do it again.

  Each time I learn something new. This time I’ll learn how strong I can be, because I refuse to taint what we had. It was good, really good, and I’ll always remember it, and probably always want him and love him…but I can’t stay around and wait for a man forever. I have a life to live and he won’t be part of it.

  After breakfast, I force myself to go out. I go shopping at one of the malls by myself and buy something for my mum and dad as presents, and then buy myself some clothes to try and cheer myself up. It doesn’t work, though, everywhere I go I think of Logan, the way he loved to shop. That smile, that laugh, the feel of his hand holding mine.

  I stop for a warm drink and pull out my phone, checking my messages. There isn’t anything from him. I type one to him and delete it and drop my phone to the wooden table. I can’t, I can’t reach out. What would I say? It’s okay? I’ll wait until you come back and then see if you feel different?

  I won’t, I can’t wait for him forever, I’ve waited this long to feel something as close to what we had, and now that I’ve had the real deal, I want more.

  I sip my drink, watching the families and couples and decide to leave, the sight depressing me. I head back to my hotel and start to pack. My flight is tomorrow night after all. Once I’m done, I look around and notice the bag of stuff Logan bought me peeking out from the wardrobe. I open it and sit and stare, tears gathering in my eyes at the penguin teddy.

  Why couldn’t I be enough?

  I hug the teddy to me. At least I gave him my all. I won’t have any regrets on that. I pack it all as well, placing my clothes around it for protection. It’s all I have to remember him by, that and the ache in my heart telling me it won’t be as easy to move on this time.

  That night, I order room service and get trashed on wine and stuff myself with food as I watch a film from my bed, not up to going back out again. I fall asleep early and wake up even earlier. I don’t have to check out until eleven, so I go to the pool and make the most of it, swimming before it gets busy and sunbathing to dry off.

  Before check out, I get washed and dressed and drop my bags at the reception in a locked room. I have a few hours to kill before my flight, so I wander down the beach front path, not wanting to go somewhere too far. I purposely keep my eyes away from his apartment building.

  I end up getting a henna tattoo, and when I pass the fair on the front, I nearly break down again until I give myself a stern telling off. I’m Ryan fucking Sha
w, no man gets to ruin me. I’m a strong fucking woman. He might have hurt me, might have left me here all alone, but I’ve been alone a lot. I know how to be alone, how to be strong.

  I can do this.

  Fuck you, Cupid.

  Twenty-Two

  I grab my bags, ready to call an uber, but one turns up and gets out. “Ms. Shaw?” he calls and I nod, confused.

  “I was booked to take you to the airport by a Mr. Hemsworth?” he informs me when I still look puzzled.

  Logan.

  I shake my head and smile. “Of course, thank you.”

  He grabs my bags and puts them away as I get into the back, staring out of the window as we set off. Why is he doing this? Why can’t he just let me go? Let me hurt without being sweet? For a man who doesn’t want me to love him, he sure doesn’t make it easy.

  I pull out my phone to see a few texts.

  Hot Author: I hope one day you can forgive me. I would miss my biggest fan.

  Hot Author: Please let me know when you get home, I worry.

  Hot Author: Ryan, I know you hate me. That’s okay, you should. I’m not the man you are looking for. I’m not the man you want loving you, but I want you to know that you are the best damn standby of my life and I will never stop caring for you. I miss you already, Stripes.

  I pocket my phone without responding. I can’t, because despite all my bravado, I know I would beg him to come back, to love me. So instead I pretend I’m okay, hoping that one day it will stop being pretend and be true...

  When I get to the airport, the driver helps me collect my bags and I head inside, walking along until I see the check-in desks for economy. Unlike Logan, I don’t travel first class, just another thing that showed how different we are. I wait in line and smile at the man as I pass over my passport and ticket. He types for a moment before frowning at me.

  “Sorry, miss—”

  “Please don’t tell me it’s delayed.” I almost groan at the thought.

  He blinks. “Erm, no, sorry, it’s just that first class check-in is over there, I can happily check you in here, but for future reference you don’t have to wait in this queue.”

  “Sir, I’m sorry, there has been a misunderstanding. I’m not in first class, it’s just an economy ticket,” I explain, confused.

  He glances back at his computer and then at my ticket. “The one you have printed is wrong, I’m afraid. You have been upgraded to first class. Our apologies, we should have sent you a new one.”

  “Upgraded? For free?” I frown. “Did the airline do that?”

  He smiles at me softly. “No, ma’am, it seems someone else did.”

  I open my mouth to protest when I realise—Logan. “Ah, I see. Yes, check me in here please,” I tell him and he nods, doing just that as I stand there silently fuming.

  He weighs my bag and hands me my new boarding pass with instructions and off I go, still angry as hell. I feel like he’s trying to buy me. Logically I know he wants to look after me, and even after everything went down this is his way of showing he cares, but still, it makes me feel like a fling he paid for. I don’t like it.

  I head through security, and ignoring the first class lounge, I buy some chocolate and sit at one of the windows, people and plane watching as I grip my phone and debate sending him an angry text. I hover over it, but eventually close the message and send one to my mum instead.

  Ryan: Just waiting to board, see you tomorrow. I love you.

  Mum: Yay! Missed you, you can tell me all about this hunk of yours! Lol xoxo

  I groan out loud and get a funny look from a woman nearby, so I narrow my eyes on her, daring her to mess with me today. She glances away and I go back to my phone. Why does my mum always think ‘lol’ means ‘lots of love?’ I tell her every time, but she still insists on using it.

  I don’t reply, just open a game and take out my stress and anger on it, and before I know it, it’s time to board. I grab my bags and turn off my phone, not really wanting to talk to anyone anyway. I would be terrible company. I do calm down some, though, since I know I was being stupid and he isn’t trying to buy me, but I don’t want his money or upgrades.

  I want him.

  The flight is as amazing as it was on the way there. The staff is astounding, and first class is what dreams are made of, but I’m missing Logan sitting next to me laughing as I snore. Instead, I binge watch films and stuff my face and drink as much as I can. Then I nap, because naps solve everything...at least for a while.

  I wake up in a slightly better mood, and when we land, I’m glad to be home. I can wallow in my bed tonight in my comfy jammies and then tomorrow I have to keep moving, keep living.

  I turn on my phone to see a message from him and I have never felt so alone, even in the crowd at the airport. Sometimes you can be surrounded by people and still be so alone if it isn’t that one person you really want there.

  Hot Author: I miss you. I hope Chester realises what he lost.

  I have a feeling he didn’t want to put ‘Chester.’ Not being a complete asshole, I do type back, letting myself have this one text.

  Ryan: I’m home safe. Goodbye, Worm.

  Twenty-Three

  I arrive back at my house late, and instead of going to bed, I make a cup of tea and start to unpack. I’m halfway through sorting my washing when the doorbell rings. Grumbling, I look out of the window to try and see who’s here this late, but I can’t see anything.

  For a moment, a flash goes through my mind of opening the door to find Logan. I rush there and yank it open, but deflate when I see Chester instead. Fucking hell.

  “What are you doing here?” I question, crossing my arms, but he ignores my clear signal to fuck off and barges past me into the house. “Oh yes! Do come on in!” I yell after him sarcastically, before slamming the door shut and following him down to the kitchen and dining room. Leaning against the door, I watch as he wanders around, not looking at me.

  “Chester, what are you doing here?” I snap, feeling annoyed and taking out all my frustration on him.

  He finally looks at me with a little smile. His strawberry blond hair is short and spiky, and he’s in a polo shirt and tight skinny jeans. He’s taller, but not as tall as Logan and definitely skinnier, even though he works out nearly every day. I blink away my comparisons as he steps closer. “I needed to see you in person. I know what you said on the phone, but I thought all the years we spent together meant more than a stupid argument on a phone.” He grins, trying to act like a good boy.

  “Silly argument? You stuck your dick in someone else. That’s not a little argument, Chester, that’s a fucking war.” I roll my eyes, beyond tired right now and done with all these swinging emotions.

  He sighs, not threatening to do something stupid this time, but instead he gives me that look. The one that used to weaken me, used to make my panties drop and heart pound. “Babe, we were really good together.”

  “We were okay,” I reply.

  He steps closer, tilting his head down and giving me his best puppy dog eyes when he realises the other look isn’t working. “I’m sorry. What I did was wrong, really wrong and fucked up. I’m so fucking pissed that I hurt you. You were the best thing to ever happen to me, Ryan, and I should have remembered that and not took advantage of it. I promise to never forget again, to protect your heart and love you every day if you will have me back. What do you say, babe?”

  I could say yes, give in to those puppy dog eyes. He might hurt me again, he might not, but what I know for sure is...he isn’t the one I want. Not anymore. I’m finally over him and whatever weird magnetism he had over me. Even if he’s offering to love me when Logan is offering me nothing...it’s not enough because the love isn’t real.

  Logan helped me recognise that. I guess I should be thankful, even if it came at such a price. “Chester, one day you will find that one person for you, the one you want to spend the rest of your life with.” His eyes light up as he grips my arms, pulling me closer, thinking I’m giving
in. I clutch his in return and look into his eyes. “But it isn’t me. I hope that you never hurt her, because she deserves better. Maybe that’s why we were together, to realise we both deserve better and that love shouldn’t be about necessity and loneliness but because you actually can’t bear to be away from that person. I forgive you, I do, but this is over. I mean it, it’s really over. I need you to respect that and me just this once and leave me to get on with my life.”

  He reels back, staring at me open-mouthed, his eyes wide. He searches my expression to see if I’m being serious, and I don’t look down like I used to, I let him see the truth. I see the moment it hits home, his face drops for a moment before his eyes start to burn. The embers of his anger light up the dark, spitting at me and burning my skin with his fury. I step back into the wall before I realise what I’ve done, watching as his face transforms. That frown melts to a scowl, his face scrunching up in anger, his hands clenched and muscles bulging.

  I remember then just how volatile his anger can be, and I realise I’m completely alone with him and whatever he might do or say next. I stop breathing for a moment, fear racing through me, but I stand my ground. This is how he wants to react? Then fine, he can do what he will, it will only prove to me why I never really belonged with him and that he doesn’t deserve me.

  “Chester, I’m only going to ask you once, please leave,” I demand, my voice sharp, even if it does shake a little.

  He steps closer, invading my space, his eyes shooting at me as he scowls. “Or what? What are you going to do, Ry? ‘Cause I remember you used to like to argue with me, that you like it rough, is that what this is about, huh? Want me to play a part to get you going?”