Between Now and Goodbye

by Hannah Harvey

  I knew that Libby was a good swimmer, so it's not like I left her out there to die or anything. I didn't think that she was going to kill us if we let her on the boat. I know Libby and I know she wouldn't do that. I also think that I knew, deep down, that she hadn't killed her dad, but if I'd stuck up for her, then Carly and Xavier probably would have left me out there too, and to be fair, I couldn't one hundred percent say that she hadn't killed her dad.

  When I took her things back to her house, Charles had been outside and so, caught up in the moment, I felt I had to warn him. I mean I was still pretty shaken up by it all. So I'd told him everything.

  Charles had burst into laughter when I finished explaining everything. When I insisted I was being serious, he just shook his head. Nothing the three of us said could make him believe that she was actually a murderer, and it was then that I started to realize how stupid I had been.

  I didn't like that it was Charles laughing at me which made me realize it. It bugged me that he'd take her side. I mean yes in this case it would have been far-fetched for him to actually believe that Libby was a murderer, but he didn't even hear me out.

  This though is not the point. Today has left me with two things that I need to do. The first is that I have to apologize to Libby in the best way I can. The second is that somehow I need to find out why she doesn't talk about her dad. The second one won't be so easy, so I get to work on the first.

  I need to make it a really good apology, and that means that I need to go shopping. The problem is, I'm not sure what gift really says, I'm sorry I thought you were a murderer and left you to swim back to shore. Is there a gift that says that?

  I feel like it's going to take more than a simple box of chocolates. No matter how much she loves chocolate, or how fancy it is. I need to do better than chocolate, that's for sure.

  I think it over while I take a shower to get the salt water out of my hair. The mall is open late tonight, so I have plenty of time to wander around and find something. I just don't know what I'll be finding.

  It has to be special, it has to be perfect and that means that it has to be expensive. I need her to be on my side this summer. I need her to be my friend and so far I've made her mad by bringing her home from New York the way I did. I made her mad by breaking up with Charles the way I did, and now I've made her mad by accusing her of murder and leaving her in the ocean.

  I'm on a roll. I don't know what's the matter with me. Why can't I stop making Libby made at me? It's like she's a different person now. Maybe growing up is making us all a little different, because before, I could get her to do anything I wanted just by asking. I could also get her to forgive me in about two minutes flat.

  I haven't entirely lost my touch. She was mad at me, but she still came out on the boat, and she gave me a lecture in the car, but by the end of our chat I know she was starting to ease up.

  All I have to do is make sure she forgives me for this, because I'm not in the habit of losing friends, and I don't want to start making it my habit now.

  I blow dry my hair for the second time today, and this time I straighten it and then pin it up with a generous amount of diamond tipped hairpins. Then I put on a pale pink silk blouse, with a pale pink lace skirt, a silver sequined belt, tailored pink jacket that has a ruffled lace trim, and to finish it off I grab my pink lace ankle boots, which tie up at the front with silver ribbon.

  I apply a full face of make-up, and finally, after a little over an hour and a half, I'm out the door and heading to find the perfect gift, which I'll take to her place tonight.

  As I pull up outside Libby's house, the first thing I notice is that she's outside Charles' house, lying on her stomach reading a textbook. Charles is sitting upright next to her, feeding April while the other kids sit around either playing with various toys, or doing what looks like homework. I cannot believe they're actually doing homework, it's summer. I know I have some to do, but just like always, I'll get it all done the week before school starts.

  Actually, if I'm going to be starting a new school, then I may as well just skip it all together and enjoy all of my summer.

  When I see them outside I almost keep driving. I'm not sure that I want to spend my evening with Charles and his siblings. Maybe, though, I can convince Libby to come over to my house, maybe even stay the night. Besides, I didn't just spend the past two hours shopping for the perfect gift, just to have it sit neatly wrapped on the back seat of my car.

  My mind made up, I turn off the engine, slide out of the car and collect the package from the back.

  'Libby.' I pause at the edge of the yard. She glances up and immediately back down at her book. Charles looks up at me too, and his eyes linger on me, and a small smile lights up his face, but it dims quickly and he looks at Libby. It's like he knows he's supposed to be mad at me because he's close with Libby, but he also wants me to know he still loves me. I smile back at him, if I can get him on side, then getting Libby's forgiveness will be simpler. I don't want to encourage him too much though, so I turn back to Libby, 'Look Libby, I know I messed up today.'

  'That's an understatement.' Libby says bitterly.

  'Ok, yes it is, and I'm so, so sorry. I didn't mean to...I just...you're a really good actress. You totally had me going, and it was stupid. I was stupid. Forgive me?' I ask. Annoyingly Libby looks over at Charles, and even though I'm pretty sure he'll help me out, I wish she wouldn't wait to respond.

  He doesn't nod or shake his head or anything, and yet she seems to pick up some message from him. Something I don't see.

  'So you've decided that I'm not some crazy murderer.' Libby sits up and brushes off the blades of freshly cut grass from her shorts and top.

  'I know ok, I'm sorry, like I said, stupid.' I roll my eyes, 'I got you a gift to make up for it.' I put the large box down on the ground, because frankly it's getting heavy.

  'Is there a gift that makes up for what you did to her today?' Katie asks, getting up and bringing the box over to Libby.

  'Not that it's anything to do with you,' I narrow my eyes at her, 'but yes, I think she'll like the gift.'

  'It must come in handy having a credit card with no limit that daddy pays off. That way whenever you mess up, you can buy your way out.' Katie glares at me. That kid is seriously starting to bug me.

  'Katie.' Charles' voice holds a warning. Katie sighs and sinks back down onto the grass next to Libby. I smile smugly at her.

  'Open it.' I encourage Libby. She seems reluctant, but starts unwrapping it.

  'Julie,' her eyes shoot up to me, 'this is a $600 food mixer.' Libby's eyes go from the sleek red mixer to me.

  'It's the one you wanted right? The one you're always drooling over whenever we got to the mall.'

  'Yeah.' She nods, mouth open and eyes wide.

  'Do you like it?'

  'Julie I can't accept it.'

  'Why not?' My smile drops, 'Don't you like it?'

  'It's amazing, but it's also really expensive.'

  'Yeah I know,' I beam, 'that's the point, you can't afford it and I can,' I ignore the scoff that comes out of Katie's mouth, 'and I wanted you to know how sorry I am.'

  'Julie it's too much.'

  'And it's not just for today, but it's a sorry for me being such a needy brat and making you come home.' I say quickly, 'You're my best friend and I just want you not to be mad at me.'

  'But Julie it's a $600 mixer.' She says shaking her head.

  'So? $600 is like nothing,' I push a foot towards her, 'these boots cost me $900.'

  'Julie it's a lot to me.' She's up and on her feet, and I can't be seeing things right, because it looks like there are tears in her eyes. 'You can't just go out and buy me gifts that expensive. You could have just said you were sorry.'

  'I know I could have,' I bristle, 'but I wanted to get you something nice.'

  'Then get me a coffee, or a box of chocolates. Don't spend $600 on me and then wave it off like it's no big deal. This,' her hand flies frantically towards the box, 'isn
't the kind of thing you give as an apology.'

  'Why can't I buy you nice things? You want it, I can afford it, so now it's yours.' I don't get what she's so bothered about. She should be thrilled and instead she seems angry.

  'You can't just buy your way into making things ok, you can't. It's not how things are done. You actually have to say you're sorry and mean it, you can't just...' She's practically shrieking now, 'money and fancy gifts can't fix everything, and I hate when people think that it can and I...' she bursts into tears, much to my horror and by the look on Charles' face, it's freaking him out as well.

  'I wasn't trying...' I shake my head, too stunned by her reaction to think of an ending to that sentence. I wouldn't of had the chance to finish it though, because Libby takes off, running down the street.

  Charles passes April to Katie and gets to his feet.

  'Watch the kids.' He says, to me or Katie, I'm not sure. Then he takes off after her, and I'm left standing there, completely confused by what just happened.

  Twenty Two – Libby

  I'm crying so hard that I can barely tell where I'm going. Streets, houses, cars, and people all blend together in a blurry mess across my vision. I just barely avoid being hit by a car I dash out in front of, but I don't stop. I keep running.

  I feel like an idiot for reacting the way I just did. Humiliation burns inside me, and it's a good percentage of why I'm crying right now. Why couldn't I have just calmly told her it was too much? Why couldn't I have just realized that her buying me an expensive present, is just how she does things? Why couldn't I have just accepted it?

  I couldn't though, that's not how my mind reacts. Instead, it triggers something and I scream, throw a fit, burst into tears and run away. Because apparently that's the normal reaction to a gift. Extravagant or not, I shouldn't have responded like that.

  My sandals slap against the heels of my feet as I run, causing a sharp stinging pain each time. I stop for just long enough to pull them off, and then I continue running.

  I know that Charles is following me, and he's fast, but I'm faster. I run and run until my feet sink into the warm sand at the beach. I run across it, kicking up tiny warm grains as I go, until I reach the pier.

  Tomorrow when the fair opens this place will be heaving with people, but tonight it's quiet, and when my feet hit the cool wood, nobody is around to point and laugh at the hysterical teenager. So I run right to the very end of the pier.

  I stop as the railing hits into my stomach. I gulp in the salty air and try to wipe away some of the tears which are running down my face.

  I hear the pounding of footsteps behind me and I know that Charles has caught up with me. I knew he would, that's why I ran to the end of the pier, because I knew he'd follow me, and part way through running towards the beach, I figured out that I need him right now.

  He stops beside me, breathing hard as the warm breeze of the late evening blows through his hair. Once he gains a little of his breath back, he stands up straight, after having been bent over clutching at his knees. His stare boring into me, asking so many silent questions that I just don't know where to begin to answer. So I stay quiet, try to sniff back the tears, and distract myself with the way Charles chest rises and falls a bit too quickly after chasing me.

  'So,' he pants, 'was it just me or was that a little weird?' He's standing up now but he's still clutching his side. I'd sort of forgotten that despite his lean body and defined muscles, he's actually pretty out of shape.

  'It wasn't just you.' I say, shaking my head. 'It was weird, sorry. It wasn't even Julie, not really, it was me. I'm just a complete idiot and...'

  'You're not an idiot.' He throws an arm around my shoulders and it feels comforting. I lean into him a little. 'Want to explain what happened back there?'

  'I don't think I could explain what happened back there if I had three of the worlds best psychiatrists working with me every day for a year.' I half joke. My eyes drop down to the look at my bare feet.

  'So I'm going to go out on a limb and say it wasn't about the mixer.'

  'No,' I shake my head, 'no it wasn't about the mixer. It just... it kind of hit a nerve with me and apparently that nerve is directly linked to my self destruct button.' I lean over the banister, letting the rail support me as I look down at the water. I must lean a little too far, because Charles' grip around my shoulders tightens slightly. I pull myself back up and turn my head to look at him.

  'Remind me to never buy you anything.' He says and I laugh out loud. It's a half sobbing kind of laugh, but it makes me feel better. I keep my eyes on Charles. He always makes me feel better.

  'It wasn't the gift.' I reply, 'She was trying to be sweet, and generous and yeah, it was extravagant and way too much, but that's just how she is. She was right when she said that $600 was nothing. To her spending that much on someone, is like me or you buying each other a coffee.'

  'Is that a hint that you want me to buy you a coffee?' He asks. I smile at him.

  'No.' I grin and shove him playfully. His arm drops from my shoulders and I feel its loss. I'm not ready to lose the comfort yet.

  'Ok,' his teasing smile eases and worry replaces it, 'so it wasn't about being given a gift. So then why are you standing at the edge of the pier crying?'

  'Char,' I hold eye contact with him, then close my eyes and breath in because with him looking at me like that, I want to talk. I want to trust him. To tell him everything. I want to lay it all out in front of him and show him me, because I somehow know that he'll just get it, and he'll make me feel better. But I can't, so I keep my eyes closed and shut out his stare which feels supercharged. 'There are things that I just can't talk about. Things that I've left behind me and I don't want to dwell on it. Sometimes, like just now at your house, something happens to remind me of those...things, and it sets me off, and I end up going nuclear.'

  'Libs,' he edges towards me. My eyes are still closed so I feel it rather than see it. His voice is so low, soft and caring and it breaks me. I open my eyes and I feel a little jolt as I see how close he is. 'Are you ok?'

  'I'm fine.' I shrug.

  'No Libs I mean it, are you really properly ok?' I look down at my feet, and then flick my eyes back up to him. I don't want to lie to him.

  'Most days I am.' I reply, which is true.

  'Today?' He asks. I take a step away from him and turn back towards the ocean.

  'Well, this morning was great, especially beating you in the water fight...' I say, and it's weird saying it, because that water fight feels like it was weeks ago. It gives me that odd feeling, like when you've been in vacation for a week or two, and then you get home and it feels like you haven't been anywhere.

  'By cheating.' He pokes me gently between my ribs, and his playfulness alleviates some of the tension I'd felt just moments ago. I turn back to him and laugh.

  'By using logic,' I smile and then realize I need to answer his question properly, his stare is like a truth serum to me, 'and then the day got a little rubbish. You know, spending a couple hours on a boat with Julie, and two of her truly annoying friends, and then you know being accused of murder and being abandoned in the water.' It sounds bizarre as I say it, 'Then it got good again when you picked me up and we went to grab some lunch, and I got most of my homework done, so that was all good and then... well you just saw.'

  'Libs, I wasn't asking for a recap.' He says lightly, 'I want to know if you, not your day, but if you yourself feel ok today.'

  'I'm fine.' I say, which doesn't convince me or him. 'I will be fine.'

  'Sure?'

  'Yeah.' I nod, 'Thanks for coming after me.'

  'Any time, I needed a workout anyway.' He shrugs.

  'You really did,' I grin teasingly, 'you're incredibly out of shape.'

  'Yes, alright miss “didn't even break a sweat” not all of us can be in incredible shape.' He pokes my flat stomach and I laugh and stretch my arms above my head, 'Ok,' I say after a few minutes, 'I need to go and apologize to Julie don't I?'


  'I think it's probably for the best.' He smiles encouragingly. 'I need her in a good mood when I go round tomorrow to initiate phase one.'

  'Ok,' I smile and shake my head, 'I'll put her in a good mood for you.'

  'Thank you.' He nudges me, 'So, are you going to keep the mixer?'

  'I think I probably should, simply as a way to get her to accept my apology. I know she'll be happy if I take it.'

  'Plus, it is the mixer that you dream about.' His eyebrow raises, and the corner of his mouth twitches upwards.

  'Hey,' I hit his arm, 'I have only ever had two dreams involving that mixer. That's not weird.'

  'Oh Libs trust me, it's weird.' He laughs loudly.

  'You be nice or I may just talk Julie out of giving you another chance.'

  'You wouldn't dare.'

  'Oh, wouldn't I?' I grin, 'Come on, race you back.' I say and take off back down the pier.

  Julie takes the apology a lot better than I thought she would, especially since I was even more vague with her than I was with Charles at the pier. Her questioning gazes were far harsher than his, and they didn't have the same truth serum effect on me. So I ended up giving her a half-hearted excuse about being tired, having a headache and still being mad at her for the boat incident.

  In the end, she just seemed happy that I wasn't mad at her anymore, so we let the subject drop and now we're sitting together in my kitchen after I just set up my new mixer.

  The mixer, though amazing, looks out of place on the counter with the rest of my families appliances. The brilliant shiny red contrasts sharply with the off white, black and chrome, cheap brand appliance that we usually buy on sale. Even so, when I first flipped the power on and started up my new mixer, my pulse did quicken like a pre-teen girl who just spotted her favorite boy band on the street.

  My first task, I decided while rifling through the shelf in the pantry designated for my baking supplies, is to make a batch of my, somewhat famous, lemon poppy seed muffins for Charles to take to his mom tomorrow. They're her favorite.