Between Now and Goodbye

by Hannah Harvey

  'Char.' I don't have words. I'm breaking into tiny pieces for him, so I can only just begin to imagine what this must be doing to him.

  'My mom wants,' he stops and pulls back from my arms, wiping his tears away and trying to be strong, 'my mom wants to spend the last weeks away from here, she...she doesn't want to die in the hospital and...' He's sobbing again, but I know now that he needs to get this out, so I don't interrupt him. I don't pull him back into a hug. I just sit with him and wait, crying myself as I try and find a way I can help him through this. 'She,' he starts again, 'she doesn't want to die in this house, because she doesn't want us to live in a house that she died in.'

  'So where are you going?' I ask.

  'My mom wants to go up to the lake cabin. One last time.' He forces the words out between tears, 'We're leaving tomorrow evening and driving through the night until we get there. We'll stay until...' He can't say it, but he doesn't have to. I know when they'll be coming home, and it's not something either of us want to think about.

  'What do you need?' I ask. I'm already thinking about the amount of organizing that will need to be taken care of. All of the kids will need to have a few weeks worth of clothes packed. Everything will need to be cleaned in the house so he doesn't have to face that when he gets home. He'll need to load up the car, make sure there's fuel. Make out a route.

  'I need you.' He says simply.

  'I'm here.'

  'Come with us.' He catches my eye.

  'What?'

  'Your mom has been talking to my mom, she said that you want to get away from here for a while. My mom needs to get away from here, and I...I need you.'

  'Ok.'

  'Think about it first,' he says, brushing his tears away with the back of his hand, 'this won't just be a fun lake vacation. You know why we're going there. It's not going to be easy. So take some time, take tonight and think it over.'

  'I don't need to think about it Char. If you need me with you, then I'm with you.'

  Forty Four – Charles

  'Thanks for coming over.' I clap Colin on the back as he comes through the door. His eyes catch onto Libby's as she continues the half hour long struggle so far to get Georgia to go to bed. The smile on Colin's face falters for a second, until Libby is out of sight, back in the lounge. He looks back at me.

  'So I'm guessing you know what happened there.' He waves his hand in the general direction of where Libby was just standing.

  'Yeah.' I nod. 'I didn't know if you wanted me to know.'

  'I figured she'd tell you.' He shrugs. 'Listen man, I'm really sorry about...well everything. Your mom is great and all of this, it just really sucks.'

  'Yes, it does.' I've already broken down once tonight up on the roof with Libby. I can't do it again, there isn't enough time. I need to keep busy.

  'So what do you need?'

  'Like I said on the phone. I'm leaving tomorrow evening with my family and Libby...'

  'Libby's going with you?'

  'Oh uh...yeah.'

  'Oh.'

  'She's helping out you know? I can't really imagine facing what's going to happen...'

  'It's cool man, I get it. You two are best friends.' He shrugs, 'So tell me what needs to be done and I'll get to work.'

  'Packing mostly. Libby's mom has been helping my mom pack her things. Libby has been packing Georgia's things, Katie's packing her own. I'm trying to organize Lewis into moving away from the Xbox and start packing, and get Sean packed. Things have kind of slowed down because Georgia has been fighting us on going to bed. I still have April's things to do, and my own.'

  'I should warn you, my packing skills are shocking.' Colin replies.

  'Not as shocking as Char's.' Libby calls out, stepping into the hall with April bouncing on her hip.

  'Hey, my packing isn't shocking, I just don't... fold.'

  'Shocking.' She smiles, 'Hi Colin.'

  'Hey.' Colin looks down at the floor?

  'Why is April up?' I ask to try and diffuse the tension. Though having something to focus on other than what the doctor said today, feels good.

  'Oh, Sean decided that if Georgia wasn't going to bed, then he didn't have to go to bed, and then he said to make it fair, April shouldn't be in bed either. So he somehow managed to get into her crib and bring her down here.' Libby brushes her hair back from her face.

  'Great.' I lean back against the wall.

  'Ok,' Libby smiles, 'Listen up,' she yells which surprises both me and Colin, 'Anyone who hasn't changed for bed, brushed their teeth and gotten into their own beds with the lights off in the next five minutes, will be expected to help sort, fold, and pack clothes for tomorrows trip.'

  There's silence for around thirty seconds, and then Georgia comes running out of the lounge, along with Lewis, and then Sean comes running out from the kitchen and they all race upstairs.

  'Ok,' I nod, 'that worked. Seriously Libs, where did you get your superpowers?'

  'The internet.' She smiles at me, 'I'll put April back to bed.'

  'Thank you.' I kiss the top of her head, which is something I haven't ever done before but kind of feels normal. She smiles and then heads upstairs.

  'Superpowers?' Colin raises an eyebrow.

  'Oh yeah, it's sort of an... inside joke I guess.'

  'Ah.' He gives me a strange look. His head tilted to the side.

  'What?'

  'Nothing,' Colin shakes his head, 'I think I just suddenly figured out why Libby turned me down.'

  'Yeah?'

  'Yeah.' He nods.

  'Feel like sharing?' I ask, heading towards the stairs.

  'Nope.' He shakes his head. 'Come on, let's get started, shall we?'

  Colin leaves to make it home in time for his midnight curfew, but Libby stays and works diligently to clean the kitchen, get through all of the laundry that's been stacking up, and help with a thousand other little chores that need taking care of.

  By three in the morning she's fallen asleep on the couch. I was just brining down another bag to load into the car tomorrow morning, when I saw her sleeping in an upright position.

  Carefully, I walk over to the couch, lifting her up. I didn't expect her to be heavy, but she's even lighter than I imagined. She's lost weight recently, ever since her dad showed up, and it shows in the easy way I can carry her. I'm about to lower her down onto the couch in a more comfortable position, when she stirs slightly. She curls into me. I look down at her face, nestled against my chest and looking so vulnerable. Her skin is pale, all traces of the spray tan that Julie had her get, is now gone and she's back to normal, though in the dark room with just the moonlight coming in, she looks a little paler than usual.

  I gently lower her down onto the couch, and cover her with a light blanket that's usually a throw for the couch.

  There are a lot of jobs that still need to be done, but instead of getting up to attend to them, I sit down on the floor beside the couch, turned so that my side is pressed against the front of the couch, and I'm angled towards Libby's sleeping face. Her breathing is steady and slow. Her hand lays beside her, and ever so slowly I edge my own hand towards her, my fingers just barely touching hers. My eyes drop to her hand, as my fingers brush lightly over her upturned palm. I feel a calmness wash over me as I watch her fingers curl up to touch my hand. Her hand is cool and soft, my own warm and slightly calloused.

  My eyes wander up and land on her face, her eyes are open and watching me carefully. Her breath a little less steady than it had been before. Shorter, shallower breaths come out of her barely parted lips. Our eyes meet, and my fingers slide between her fingers. I'm not sure how they moved, I hadn't meant to move them, but now our fingers are twined together.

  'Charles.' Sean's voice startles me and I pull my hand away like I just touched an open flame. My eyes move around the room as I get up, but there's nobody here except Libby. I give her a quick smile, my heart thumping hard in my chest as I leave the room. I find Sean on the stairs, wanting a drink. I get him some water a
nd take him back to bed, and when I return to the lounger, Libby's sleeping again.

  'Libs.' It's seven in the morning, and although I really want to let her sleep, I don't have much of a choice but to wake her up now. So I gently place my hand just below her shoulder, and before I even shake, her eyes are open.

  'Morning.' She says, sitting upright quickly, 'Sorry, did I fall asleep?'

  'You don't need to apologize for falling asleep Libs.' I smile. I wonder if she remembers last night, whatever it was that happened. I wonder if she felt like something was different when I touched her hand. More...electric. I don't even know if that's what I was feeling and if it was, then I don't know why. Today she's just Libby, same as always. My best friend.

  'Did you sleep?' She asks.

  'A bit.' I lie.

  'Yeah, right.'

  'Ok, so I didn't exactly sleep.' I reply, 'I didn't work all night, though, I did lay down for a bit, I just couldn't sleep.'

  'Doing ok?'

  'Nope, you?'

  'Nope.' She shakes her head and then swings her legs down onto the floor, and gets up off the couch. I stand as well. 'So what do you need?'

  'You're not going to like it.'

  'Try me.'

  'I have to take my mom to the hospital, to get things sorted for us going away. Get her medications, a last check up, things like that.'

  'Ok.' She nods, 'So you need me to watch the kids?'

  'No, actually, your mom came by a while ago and took them all down to the beach, to get them out of my hair for a while.'

  'Oh ok.'

  'You can say no if you like.'

  'Char, you haven't even told me what it is yet.' She smiles at me.

  'While you were in New York, I kind of lent out my camera, and I sort of need it back for the trip and...I wouldn't ask...'

  'It's at Julie's?' She asks.

  'Yeah.' I nod, 'You know what, never mind, I'll just have Colin get it, or...or I'll pick it up later before I go to the grocery store to buy road snacks.'

  'Don't be silly,' she breathes in deeply, 'I can handle it.'

  'You're sure?'

  'She hurt me and I'm mad at her, but she's not pure evil and I think I'll be able to survive seeing her.' Libby replies.

  'You're the best.'

  'I try.'

  Forty Five – Julie

  Carly was right. Shopping yesterday actually did help, not right away, but after about an hour of wandering around the stores, I found myself enjoying it.

  The thing that hit me in the third store we visited, was that when I leave for France, not only will I actually need more than the handful of awful clothing items I left myself with, but that it's also the absolute perfect time to reinvent myself.

  I made it my mission to come home with an entire wardrobe full of new clothes, and as soon as I had that mission in mind, the day became fun and I was no longer worried about how badly I've messed things up with Libby and Charles.

  I still have the whole of August before I leave, which gives me more than enough time to work out the best way to gain their forgiveness. What won't help me is wallowing in self pity in my bedroom, and throwing out all of my clothes.

  Carly was ridiculously excited at the prospect of a new me, and that just egged on my own enthusiasm for the project. So by the end of the day, I'd bought so much stuff that I could hardly fit it into my car.

  I decided to go with a sixties style, and managed to get a large quantity of shift dresses, monochrome colors, with a large selection of neon statement pieces to go with all the black and white stuff. I got some large black framed glasses. Plaid skirts, colored tights, cute pumps in a variety of colors. I got go-go boots, and platform heels, and Mary Jane's. I got high waisted shorts in varying colors, and tops with contrasting colored collars. I got Capri pants and a large collection of vintage jewelry.

  Then, once we were both done going to all of the stores, I headed to the hairdressers. I had my hair dyed dark brown, and cut into a super short sixties style which is so short it's practically boy short. Then I had some bangs put in.

  It looks fantastic, and I'm really pleased with the style I decided to go with. It'll be perfect when I leave at the end of summer. I've even been studying up on sixties make-up styles. It's a lot of heavy mascara and eyeliner, and Carly and I tried out a few techniques last night, and we've pretty much got the hang of it.

  This morning, I woke up and brushed out my new hair. Adding some hairspray to give it a little volume. Then I put on my makeup, which consists of an amazing winged out black liner design. I put on a cute orange and maroon striped shift dress, with some maroon tights and some white platform shoes. It looks so cute. I can't believe I've never thought to go sixties before.

  I'm about to start sorting through the huge amount of bags from my shopping trip yesterday. I plan on spending the entire day unpacking, and organizing things into my currently empty closet. However, before I start I need to go downstairs and bring up the rest of the bags. The stuff that wouldn't fit in my car and I had to have it delivered, and the doorbell just rang, so I'm guessing that it's arrived.

  I rush down the steps. My new platform shoes providing a satisfying click on the tiled floor of the hall. I pull open the door before our housekeeper can get to it, and instead of a delivery guy with several packages, I come fact to face with Libby.

  'Hey.' I smile broadly. I knew she wouldn't be able to stay mad at me forever.

  'Whoa you...' She stares at me, I fluff up my hair a little.

  'Oh yeah, I felt like making a few changes.'

  'A few?'

  'Ok, a lot.' I laugh, 'Do you like it?'

  'You look nice.' She rubs her arms like she's cold, even though it's really hot outside. 'Listen, I just came over to get Char's camera. He lent it to you and he needs it back.'

  'Oh.' My smile drops, 'So you're still angry at me?'

  'It's not something I can get over easily.' Libby replies, 'Even if it doesn't seem to be affecting you.'

  'It is affecting me.' I reply, stepping aside and hoping she'll come inside. She doesn't at first, but then she must realize that to get the camera, she'll need to come inside, so she does.

  Both of us stand in a sort of awkwardness in the entrance hall. I want to take her upstairs, show her all the new things I have. Talk and laugh and share things the way we have since I met her two years ago. The dynamic between us has changed, though, and I'm all too aware of the fact that it's my fault.

  'I always rush out and give myself a makeover when I'm upset.' Libby says, looking me up and down.

  'What was I supposed to do? Sit in my room crying until you decided to forgive me?'

  'No, of course not.' She sighs, 'I didn't come here to fight.'

  'I don't want to fight either.' I say, 'Libby I really am sorry, but...I mean I heard that your dad's going to jail. So in a way...him coming here now, it's kind of good right? He's finally paying for what he did.'

  'You know I actually thought about that, and yeah, I'm pleased that it's finally over. He's taking some responsibility for what he did, but that doesn't change what you did. I trusted you, and yet you went behind my back and tracked my dad down. You knew that I didn't want that.'

  'I was wrong. I made a mistake and I am so, so sorry. I shouldn't have done it, and I have no good reason why I did. All of my reasons involve my selfishness, and I'm really sorry for doing it. I hate myself for doing it. I should have respected you and your right to keep your past in the past.'

  'I can't talk about this right now Julie. You really hurt me, and it's not the first time you've made me feel awful. It's not even the first time this summer. So, it's going to take time.'

  'Ok.' I look down at the ground. 'Ok, I get it.'

  'I'm going away for a bit.' She says after an awkward pause.

  'Oh, vacation?'

  'Not exactly.' Her eyes fill with tears. I know that I'm missing something, I'm just not sure what it is. I take a hesitant step towards her.

  'What
is it?'

  'Char's mom...she's not going to make it...the cancer has spread.' She says, wiping the tears from her eyes. She starts telling me about the spread of the cancer, the results of the tests, and them telling his mom that she won't live much longer.

  It's odd. I've known that she was ill, of course I did. I've seen her have seizures, and lose a bunch of weight. I've seen her exhausted and unable to eat sometimes. I've seen Charles having to carry her up to her bedroom, and hold her hair back while she vomits, and even though I usually managed to get out of there pretty fast when that stuff happened, I knew that it wasn't just some easy fix illness. I knew it was cancer, I knew it was a brain tumor, and I knew it was serious. I even said before that I thought she'd die, but the thing is, I never really thought that she would.

  'He asked you to go with him?' I ask once she's done explaining everything.

  'Yeah.' She shuffles her feet on the floor. Flip-flops scuffing against the marbled tiles. If this had happened at the start of summer, it would be me he would come to for support. I'd be the one he asked to go with him to the cabin. Not that I would have wanted to go, and I would have found some excuse, but still...knowing that I've burned my bridges with him hurts. I can't go back to being the girl he adores. I'm not her any more. I've reinvented myself style wise, and now I have to adapt to the fact that I'm not the closest person to Charles any more. Libby is, and that hurts, not because I want him back as my boyfriend. I know that I don't love him, but I never wanted to lose him as a friend.

  I've somehow managed to get my parents angry enough at me for them to send me to boarding school. Alienate my boyfriend by dumping him and then acting awfully towards him, and if that wasn't enough, I pushed away my best friend by bringing her abusive father back into her life. I've not been on fine form this summer.

  'Julie.' Libby claps her hands in front of my face.

  'Sorry, what did you say?'

  'I asked if you had the camera. I have a lot of stuff I need to get done today.' She says.

  'Oh yeah.' I nod, 'I'll get it.'

  I grab the camera from my room, and hurry back down the stairs to rejoin Libby. I don't hand it over right away though.