Between Now and Goodbye

by Hannah Harvey

  'Libby, do you ever think you'll be able to forgive me for what I did?'

  'I don't know.' Libby shrugs her shoulders, 'It hurt.'

  'I know.'

  'And it's not the first thing you've done that's been less than...good.'

  'I know that too, and I'm really trying to make a change.' I say earnestly.

  'Making a change means more than changing your clothes and hair.' She says.

  'I know.' I feel like a child being told off.

  'I should go.'

  'Could you tell Charles that I'm sorry...about his mom and...just sorry about everything I've put him through.'

  'I think it would be better coming from you.'

  'I'm sure it would be, but he's not exactly speaking to me right now.'

  'Ok, sure, I'll tell him.' Libby gives me the smallest of smiles. It's sad and hurt and I hate that she looks at me like that now. 'Bye Julie.'

  Forty Six – Libby

  The pictures of the cabin that we pinned up onto Charles' mom's wall, don't even begin to do justice to the beautiful lake, or the rustic wooden cabin, which is large and amazing. It's set just a little way back from the water's edge. It has a wrap around porch, and from the front of the house, you can sit on the porch and get a stunning view of the lake, and the jetty.

  There are several houses around the lake, each separated from the next by a large cluster of tall trees, reaching up into the summery blue sky, which is lightly brushed with white clouds, like flecks of wool of a painted canvas. Delicate and soft.

  Each of the houses around the lake have their own small wooden jetty, and a little row boat tied to the end of each one of them.

  Inside the house is also impressive. The walls are wood, and covered in paintings in driftwood frames. There's mismatched old furniture in all of the rooms, giving the whole place a cozy feel. In the lounge, there's a wood burning fire, and out back there's an actual block with an ax for chopping wood.

  The kitchen has a wonderfully inviting country cottage feel to it. I could easily lose hours cooking in the kitchen in this house.

  Upstairs there are four bedrooms, the first is the master which Charles' mom will have. The second is one that Katie, Georgia and I will be sharing. The third will be Sean and Lewis, and then the last is where April will be. Normally the room April is in would be Charles', but this is the first year that April has been here, considering she hadn't been born the last time they came here, so Charles is sleeping on the couch. Despite my best efforts to get him to let me sleep there, he wouldn't hear of it.

  Right now I'm wandering around the small town which is a ten minute walk from the cabin. I came to explore, while also offering to pick up some food for dinner, while Charles gets all of the luggage unloaded, and his mom settled in.

  I've brought Georgia and Sean into town with me, and currently we're walking around the market, choosing some things from a wide selection of local produce.

  Wandering around in the sunshine, in this beautiful place. It's easy to forget why we're here, what it is that's brought us here. It's easy to forget how this summer is going to end.

  'Libby,' Sean tugs on my hand as we pass a stall selling freshly baked pastries and cakes, 'Can we get cake?'

  'Not from here.' I say, gently leading him along.

  'But why?' He whines.

  'Because I'm going to be baking a cake.' I reply. 'Remember, we just went to the store and bought everything to make a cake.'

  'Oh.' He grumbles a little, but then his eyes catch sight of the stall selling seafood. I already know it won't be as fresh as the seafood back home at the market where Charles works, because Arizona is landlocked. Still, it doesn't look bad, and seafood is by far my favorite thing to work with.

  'It has eyes.' Georgia stares at a large fish on the table in front of us, 'That's so cool. Can we get it?'

  'It's not alive stupid.' Sean mocks.

  'I know that,' Georgia sticks out her tongue. 'I want to eat it.'

  'I'll think about it.' I say, smiling at the guy behind the stall, who seems surprised by her reaction to the fish. My eyes aren't drawn to the fish though, instead I'm interested in the large crabs off to one side. 'How fresh are those?' I ask, pointing at the crabs.

  'Flown in fresh this morning.' He replies, 'My brother runs a fishing business in California, and we get fresh fish flown in each day. A delivery in the morning and one in the afternoon.'

  'Great.' I pick out a few of them.

  'What are we having?' Georgia asks.

  'Crab cakes,' I reply, 'you can help me make them if you like.'

  'Ok.' She grins up at me as we move onto the stall filled with brightly colored fruits and vegetables.

  'What do you guys think of having a salad with the crab cakes?'

  'Ew.' They both say together.

  'What if,' I smile at them and reach for an avocado, 'I put this in the salad?'

  'But,' Sean frowns at me, 'that's not for salads.'

  'It'll go in my salad.' I reply, 'We'll need avocados, some of the crab that we'll be using for the crab cakes, some vine tomatoes, Serrano peppers, corn, red onion, limes and cilantro. How does that sound?' I ask them. The woman behind the stall looks excited to have a large list of things to sell, and she busies herself collecting them together. Asking me quantities as she goes.

  'It doesn't sound like any salad I've ever eaten.' Georgia replies.

  'Do you want to try it?' I ask.

  'Ok.' She hesitates.

  'It'll be great, I promise.'

  It's hot as we start walking back to the cabin. There's hardly a breath of air to break up the heat, so we take the walk slowly. Stopping every now and then to take sips of the drinks we bought for the walk home. Right now we're sitting under a tall tree, having a break before we take on the final stretch of road.

  'Charles says that mommy's not going to be coming home with us when we leave.' Georgia says suddenly, she looks up at me, her little eyes wide as she holds my gaze, 'he says that she won't be at the house when we go back, that it'll just be us kids.'

  'That's right.' I nod, my heart constricting. I wonder if they can understand what's happening, if at five they're old enough to know what death is.

  'He says that mommy's going to die.' Georgia presses her lips together, 'Mommy says that it means she won't be here any more, that I won't get to see her, not ever.'

  'That's right.' I pull her up onto my lap.

  'Is it like how daddy went away?' She asks.

  'Not exactly.' I say. 'Your mom is very sick, you know that right?'

  'Yeah.' Georgia nods, 'It's been really bad for a long time. I've never known someone be ill for so long.'

  'It is really bad, and her body can't fight it anymore, she's too tired. Do you understand?'

  'So...' Georgia curls herself towards me, 'It's like she needs a really long sleep, and she won't wake up from it?'

  'That's it.' I nod, 'And if she could, I know she'd fight it and stay with you, because she loves you so much.'

  'Daddy didn't love us.' Sean says, 'That's what Lewis says, he says that dad didn't love us and that's why he went away. Katie says it's because he was a coward, but I don't know what that is.'

  'Your dad did love you, he does love you.' I ruffle his hair, 'But sometimes staying around and facing something difficult, isn't easy to do, and it takes a lot of strength. Your dad couldn't handle what happened, but he loves you, even if he can't be with you to show it. He does love you.'

  'Did your dad love you?' Georgia asks, 'Because I heard Katie tell your sister that your dad was evil. Is he evil?'

  'He...he did some awful things.' I reply. 'He hurt people.'

  'My dad hurt people.' Georgia says. 'My mommy cried and cried when he left. I did too, because he always used to read me a bedtime story, and then he was gone.'

  'I know.' I hold her close to me.

  'I miss him a lot.' Sean replies.

  'Sometimes,' Georgia whispers, 'I have a dream that he comes home, and we
all live happily again, but...but mommy's not going to come home with us.'

  'No.' I shake my head.

  'And...my daddy isn't going to come home, is he?'

  'I don't know.' I say honestly, 'He might at some point.'

  'But for now...' Georgia pulls out of my arms and looks up at me, 'It's Charles in charge, right?'

  'Right.' I nod.

  'I think I'm ok with that,' she smiles, 'He tells good stories.'

  Forty Seven – Charles

  I'm sitting out on the front porch with my mom. I finally got all of the luggage unloaded and delivered to the right rooms, and now I'm taking ten minutes to sit down, before I head back inside to start unpacking things.

  Libby took Sean and Georgia into town to get dinner things, because as she said when we got here, she's the one who's obsessed with cooking. So as far as she's concerned, shopping for, preparing and cooking the meals while we're here, is her job. I didn't argue with her, because for starters, she's stubborn when she wants to be, secondly, I really could use the help, and thirdly I'd be a fool to ever turn down Libby's cooking. She's that good.

  So while she's out with them, Katie took Lewis and April down to the lake, still within view of the house, but so that mom and I could have some time alone, and the kids could paddle their feet.

  I look over at my mom. Right now, with the sun hitting her smiling face, and a book resting on her lap, half read and waiting to be finished. She looks normal, she looks like she always does when we come here. Happy, relaxed and healthy. Yet just below the surface, an entirely different story is being told.

  She's come here to die. By the end of the summer, I'll be making the long drive home, and she won't be sitting in the seat beside me. I've been trying hard not to think about that, but it's pretty much the only thing I've been thinking about. On the way up here, Libby drove her car with Katie and Georgia, because there are only seven seats in my mom's car, and there are eight of us here. On the way home, there will be room for all of us in the same car, not that we'll be taking just the one because Libby will need her car back home, but still, if we needed to, there would be room for all of us.

  'Don't look so down, it's not that bad.' Mom says lightly.

  'Mom.' I choke it out, unable to look at her.

  'Sorry.' She sighs, 'I just don't want you to be sad.'

  'I don't think that's possible right now.' I say honestly.

  'Honey, I know this is an awful situation, but I need you to be my strong boy.'

  'I know.'

  'I didn't want things to end like this you know.' She says, sliding her book off of her lap and turning down the edge of the page. She closes it up and places it beside her glass of water on the table.

  'I know you didn't.'

  'I don't just mean with me.' She replies, 'I knew that there was a chance I wouldn't pull though, I knew that when I got diagnosed. I just never thought I'd have to put so much of the responsibility onto my seventeen year old son.'

  'I can handle that responsibility.' I reply right away.

  'I know you can, and I'm so proud of you, not just for the way you've stepped up taking care of me and your siblings, but...I'm proud of you because of the man you are, the choices you're making.'

  'Ah,' I smile at her, 'and by the choices, I assume you're talking about Julie.'

  'You know me too well.' She laughs. 'You are happy aren't you?'

  'Mom come on,' I shake my head, 'I can't possibly be happy right now.'

  'Charles, I don't want you to be unhappy. Put aside the fact that I'm ill, cast it out of your mind and think about it, if things were different and I wasn't ill, but you'd still broken up with Julie. Would you be happy right now?' She asks, and just as I'm about to answer, Libby rounds the corner and starts walking up towards the house. Georgia and Sean skipping beside her, one on either side, while she carries all of the shopping bags. I watch her for a couple of seconds. Sunlight dancing through the trees and across her skin, her cheeks flushed from the walk, and a smile on her face which looks really carefree.

  'Yes.' I say, keeping my eyes on Libby, 'If you were well, I think I'd be very happy.'

  'Good.' Mom sighs contentedly.

  'I should help Libs with the bags.' I jump up to my feet, hurrying down the porch steps as Georgia and Sean run up them to show our mom some treat that Libby has bought for them. I get to Libby and reach out to take the bags from her. My fingers brushing hers as she hands them over.

  'Crab cakes.' She blurts out, pulling her fingers back from mine as soon as I have the bags. She moves them in such a way, that makes it seem as if she'd just received an electric shock from me. I try to catch her eye, but she's looking around her, down at the lake, back to the house, then to her shoes. She's looking anywhere but at me. Is she nervous? But no, that wouldn't make any sense, because there's no reason for her to be nervous around me. We're best friends, and nothing has changed. Right?

  'Crab cakes.' I nod, fighting the urge to grin at her.

  'For dinner.' She explains, 'We're having crab cakes and a summer salad...for dinner.'

  'Ok.' I nod and this time she does meet my eyes, she laughs, a soft musical laugh that trickles over me. 'Do you need help?'

  'What?'

  'With the dinner?' I ask.

  'Oh.' She hits the palm of her hand against her forehead, 'Right, um...you're probably busy.'

  'I have time.' I reply.

  'Georgia said she'd help as well.' Libby brushes a strand of hair out of her face, keeping her eyes on me. 'But I can always use extra help.'

  'Well then I'm all yours.' I say, 'When do we start?'

  'Now is good.'

  'Ok.' I carry the bags up the front steps, and pass mom who's smiling at the two of us like she knows something we don't.

  'Georgia are you ready to cook?' Libby asks.

  'I think,' Georgia puts her hands on her hips and thinks about it for a second, 'I'll stay here with mommy.'

  'Ok.' Libby kisses the top of her head, 'Charles will just have to do extra work.'

  'I don't mind.' I smile at her, she catches my eye again and smiles back. Together we head to the kitchen and start unpacking all of the things she got in town.

  We work together in perfect harmony, both of us always seem to know what the other needs, when they need it and where they want it. We move around each other with ease, as if we've cooked together in this kitchen a million times, even though this is the first time we've ever done it.

  I've been put in charge of getting the crab meat out of the shells so she can put it into her crab cakes. While I do that, she works on the rest of the ingredients for making the crab cakes. She's in her element in the kitchen, moving around quickly, softly and never doing anything which doesn't have a purpose.

  Once the crab cakes are made, and cooking, we start on chopping up the ingredients for the salad. She works on the avocado, while I chop onions. Then once that's done, she makes a dressing.

  'Can you try this?' She comes over to me, stopping in front of me and holding up a spoon to my lips. I try the dressing. It's full of citrus flavors, perfectly balanced between sweet and sour, with just a touch of saltiness. I look down a little and meet her eyes. She's standing so close to me, it hits me that if I moved just a little forwards, I could dip my head down and kiss her.

  I have no idea where the thought came from, but it disappears as quickly as it popped into my head, and I take a small step back. Small enough that she won't think I mind being so close, but far enough away that I can catch my breath.

  'That's really good.' I say, nodding to the dressing on the counter.

  'Good, I was worried I'd put in too much lime.'

  'You didn't.' I reply.

  'And you're not just saying that because you like me?' She turns back to her dressing and transfers it from the bowl she's been mixing it in, to a little stone colored jug.

  'I don't like you that much.' I tease.

  'Good to know.' She looks over her shoulder at me, a strange
look on her face like she's trying to figure something out.

  We eat outside, setting all of the food on the large picnic bench that's set between the house and the lake. Libby and Katie managed to dress the table to make it look nicer, by using a net curtain they found in an airing cupboard as a table cloth. Then they went into town and came back with a large collection of mason jars and tea light candles. They spend twenty minutes putting the candles into the jars, and a further ten choosing where to put them. Some wind up on the table, while others are hung from trees around the table.

  Then all the food is carried out, and placed in the center of the table. A large plate filled with crab cakes, a dish filled to the brim with her salad, and then a dish of little lemon cakes drizzled with sugar syrup are sitting on an improvised cake stand. I say improvised because there wasn't one in the house, so Libby took three large dishes, and stacked them on top of each other, separating each layer of cakes, by holding the next dish up with tea cups. It sits in the center of the table and takes pride of place.

  With the candles lit, and the sun starting to set, it all looks pretty effective. My mom is already sitting at the table, along with the rest of my family as I carry out a large jug filled with freshly made lemonade, placing it on the table.

  'Where's Libby?' Katie asks.

  'Getting changed.' I reply, 'She'll be out in a minute. I'm just going to get the rolls that Libs made.' I turn back towards the house and stop dead in my tracks. Libby has just stepped out onto the porch, changed into a white dress that skims her knees. Her hair is down and wavy, and her step is light as she walks, barefoot, towards us carrying the basket filled with rolls fresh from the oven.

  'What?' She asks as she gets within hearing distance.

  'I...' I shake my head and snap myself out of it, 'You look nice.'

  'Thanks.' She smiles simply and heads past me. I take a few seconds before I turn and join my family.

  Forty Eight – Julie

  August used to be my favorite month. The start is usually exciting because it's always hot, and I get to spend most of my time down at the beach with my friends. This year my two closest friends have gone away to Arizona, and I'm left here constantly thinking about how much I've messed up.