Falling Ash

by Douglas, A. T.

  I close my eyes and let the feelings flow through me into the music now emanating from the violin. Despite the happiness I feel inside at embracing a part of myself I never thought I’d get back, the melody I’m creating is melancholy, a musical means of mourning for the person I was before. It’s a lament for Ashleigh Nolan, the girl who became lost that cold evening in Boston last December and was forever erased from this world the moment Silas Hawthorne took her away.

  With one final heavy draw of the bow against the string, I bring my song to a close but develop no resolution to my melody. The girl I was before never had that. She didn’t get to say goodbye to her parents or her brother. She was terrified and alone in the woods with nothing left when she met her unexpected end.

  I burst into tears the moment the song is over, dropping the violin from my chin and setting it and the bow in the case. I’ve forgotten how emotional an experience music can be, whether creating it or listening to it or living it. It’s almost too much for me to deal with right now in the new life and relationship I’ve embraced here with Silas. It’s a reminder of my past when I should be focusing on my future.

  My entire body jumps as I feel hands snake themselves around my midsection. I turn my head to see Silas standing solemnly behind me. He holds me close and leans down to kiss the side of my cheek.

  “You can play,” he comments with surprise. “Your hand’s getting better.”

  I glance down at the slightly shaking appendage he just complimented, noting the redness in my fingertips from the pressure I just had them apply to the fingerboard. When I see the white scar across my callused palm, I attempt to close my hand into a fist, but I still can’t get my fingers down all the way.

  “You’ll get there,” Silas encourages as he’s said so many times before. “We’ll work on it more.”

  “I have a lot to work on,” I reply wearily, wiping away the residual tears from my eyes.

  Silas turns me around and tilts my chin up, forcing me to look at his grinning and hopeful face. “There’s no rush. We have all the time in the world.”

  I let Silas’ words seep in as I take a few deep breaths. It feels like I’ve been going nonstop since the attacks that caused the world to collapse in on itself, but now that I’ve settled here with Silas, I can finally slow down and maybe even come to a stop for a few brief moments. Once I have Jake back, I can put some of my worries to rest and focus on improving myself and my life and the lives of the people I care about.

  “You’re right,” I admit, reluctantly adding, “as usual.” When he laughs in response, I can’t avoid the grin that breaks out across my face.

  There’s a lot I have to get used to in this new life. I’m adding smiling to that list, because I have a feeling I’ll be doing a lot of it in the next few days and in the weeks and months and years to come.

  27

  I tap the fingers of my right hand anxiously on the windowsill while I work one of the hand-exercising balls in my left hand, definitely using it more as a stress ball than a means of rehab at this point. I’ve been working at it constantly in the hours I’ve sat at this window over the past few days. The barstool I’m sitting on that I stole from the kitchen isn’t as comfortable as Silas’ black leather accent chair that was already here, but it gives me a better vantage point out of the windows in our room on the second floor.

  The sound of the door opening from the bottom of the stairs startles me, proving just how on edge I am right now. I instantly recognize Silas’ footsteps ascending the stairs and entering the room. He sets a hand on my shoulder as he comes around my side, offering an apple to me from the bag Joseph brought when he watched the property during our hunting trip.

  “It’s the last one,” he says with about as much excitement as one can muster over an apple. He’s clearly trying to entice me to eat something, and even though I know I’m hungry and need sustenance, I simply can’t stomach it right now. The constant feeling of anxiety has left my insides in an indefinite state of unease.

  I shake my head and keep my eyes trained out of the window, convinced that at any moment I’ll catch a glimpse of movement in the distance outside the walls of the property, or even better, that the driveway gate will suddenly start to open. However, nothing moves anywhere. There’s not even a soft breeze whistling through the endless sea of trees. No birds fly in my view against the cloudless sky. It might as well be a painting out there torturing me with its stationary scene.

  “It’s been ten days,” I strain to say against the tightness building in my throat. “They should have been back by now.”

  Silas immediately looks away from me, avoiding my gaze like he’s been avoiding this conversation ever since Joseph’s most delayed expected return date passed a few days ago.

  I tear my gaze away from the window to watch Silas pace across the room as I ask him, “Aren’t you worried about your friend?”

  “Of course I’m fucking worried,” he fires back, causing me to flinch. His expression suddenly softens, and he rubs a hand over his face. “I could stand here and think of all the horrible things that could have gone wrong out there, but it won’t do any good. I have to believe they’re both okay.”

  My left hand involuntarily squeezes the stress ball as my mind races with unthinkable possibilities. “How do you know Joseph can pull this off?”

  “Besides the fact that he’s already done it once,” Silas replies immediately, “he served in the U.S. Army in Afghanistan. He knows what it’s like to be under pressure and under fire. He’s dealt with chaos in the streets before.”

  I can’t prevent the shocked look on my face as I turn toward Silas. “You never told me that.”

  He shrugs. “You never asked.”

  My lips turn up in the slightest smile at his response. Apparently I need to start asking more questions.

  “Why don’t you lie down with me for a while and get some rest?” he suggests, already slipping his shoes off and stepping toward the bed. He sets the uneaten apple on the nightstand and motions for me to join him.

  I bite my lip, not sure if getting in bed with Silas right now is really the best idea if resting is his goal. Or maybe he’s tricking me and fully intending to stick his cock inside me since we haven’t had as much sex in these last few worrisome days as we had been before.

  Either way, with one final glance out of the window, I jump down from the barstool and follow Silas to the bed. When I set the stress ball on the nightstand, I try to leave all my worries there with it, hopeful that I can take this time to rest and relax just as Silas suggested.

  Silas is already sprawled out on the bed, but propped up with a pillow behind his back against the black upholstered headboard. I sit down and slip in next to him, finding the perfect place in the crook of his strong arm where I can be enveloped by the support and comfort I know he’ll provide me right now. When he embraces me with his arm and pulls me even closer to him, I release a deep sigh and lean my head against his shoulder.

  “This is exactly what you need,” Silas whispers before placing a kiss on the top of my head.

  “I need them to come home,” I whisper back. “I hate feeling this powerless to do anything about it.”

  “They’ll get here,” he says reassuringly.

  The room fills with silence as I remain cuddled up against Silas. His subtle draws of breath and the slight rise and fall of his chest work to create the perfect lullaby to soothe me completely, and it’s not long before I’m drifting into peaceful slumber.

  I don’t know how much time has passed when I’m startled awake by Silas’ entire body flinching behind me. He quickly, but carefully sits me up on the bed and then immediately stands up and rushes to the front windows. My heart jumps to my throat, since I can make out the sound of the gate opening now, and when I see the panicked expression on Silas’ face turn into a smile, I know the moment we’ve been waiting for is finally here.

  I’m already fighting back tears as he looks at me with relief written a
ll over his expression and says, “You ready to see your brother?”

  I nod, but the broad smile on my face better answers his question.

  While Silas slips on his shoes, I stand up from the bed and bolt toward the doorway in my bare feet, practically running down the stairs and through the door at the bottom. I’m already to the entryway and unlocking the heavy wooden front door by the time Silas is making his way down the stairs. When the final lock is undone, I swing the door open and step out into the fresh air, running along the stone path in front of the house toward the driveway.

  I’ve heard about the silver Toyota Prius hybrid that Joseph keeps at the farm for longer trips, but this is my first time seeing it as it gradually rolls to a stop in the driveway at the same time Silas runs up next to me.

  It’s strange. I only see Joseph sitting in the front seat. The passenger side is empty.

  Maybe Jake’s lying down across the back seat, but he’d barely fit, and that would mean he’s injured and couldn’t sit up.

  My heart thumps loudly against my ribcage.

  Or he’s in the trunk. Joseph wouldn’t put my brother in the trunk, would he? That would mean he resisted leaving and had to be forcibly taken, or that would mean he’s dead.

  My heart jumps to my throat.

  Joseph turns off the engine and steps out of the car with a blank expression before slowly shaking his head toward us.

  My heart shatters completely.

  I fall to my knees.

  I can barely breathe.

  “Ash,” I hear Silas say as he kneels down next to me and surrounds me with his arms, but his efforts do nothing to ease the devastation I feel inside right now. The rush of tears comes so hard and fast that it feels like I’m drowning in them.

  Silas suddenly takes me into his arms, lifting me up against him and moving me toward the front door. I’m vaguely aware of his calling over his shoulder to Joseph, something about locking the gate and coming inside.

  He rushes me past the dining room to the far hallway into the living room, laying me down carefully on the couch there.

  “I can’t,” I protest through my tears as I force myself to a sitting position. Lying horizontal makes me think of a person lying in a coffin and I remember the wooden box I dug up in the ground outside. My imagination forces me to see Jake lying cold and dead in it, and I can’t handle that right now.

  Silas sits down next to me and immediately puts his arm around me, pulling me against him. “Joseph will be right in,” he says quietly. “He’ll explain everything.”

  In the couple of minutes it takes for Joseph to come inside and find us in the living room, my sobs have calmed considerably, thanks to Silas’ support, but the stream of tears from my eyes refuses to subside. When Joseph takes a seat in one of the chairs on the opposite side of the dark coffee table, I reluctantly meet his somber gaze and immediately have to close my eyes to ward off the new wave of anguish that wants to wash over me.

  “It’s not as bad as you think,” Joseph says encouragingly. “Jake wasn’t at the community where I left him. He escaped a few days before I got there.”

  For a moment the devastation consuming me flares up in a fit of rage. “What do you mean he escaped?” I turn toward Silas and pull away from him slightly. “Did you have Jake held there against his will?”

  His expression turns uneasy. “I had Joseph offer them extra ammo in exchange for ensuring Jake stayed safely within the community’s walls, but it was only to protect him.”

  “Or to make sure he never came looking for me,” I fire back. My stomach churns at the thought of Jake going through even a second of the experience I had being strung up by chains or held captive with handcuffs or locked in a dark room for days on end.

  “I can assure you he was treated well,” Joseph insists. “Your brother played them. In the weeks he spent there, he had them completely convinced he was ready to fully integrate with the community, and he did live openly with them for a short time before he made his escape.”

  I half-laugh, half-cry at hearing this, feeling intense pride for my brother at the same time I’m consumed with fear for his safety alone out in the world. “Jake spent most of high school on a stage and was studying theater in college. He must have used his acting skills well.”

  Joseph manages only a subdued smile. “I hope his survival skills are just as good, because I couldn’t find him anywhere. I tried to follow any leads he left behind. I even detoured to Rochester on my way back to see if he went home.” He pauses and diverts his eyes from mine as he continues. “The city was burning. I didn’t get too close, but I could hear the occasional explosions and bursts of gunfire in the streets. It’s probably all over now, but I don’t know how much of the city will be left.”

  I nod my understanding to Joseph, accepting that I’m back in a reality in which I don’t know if my remaining family is dead or alive. If I’ve learned anything from my past experience with this, though, it’s that I shouldn’t rely on hope and optimism to bring my missing family back to me. I need to get out there and find Jake myself.

  “Thank you,” I say quietly to Joseph before swallowing the building lump in my throat. “Thank you for risking your life to try to find my brother.”

  He smiles in response, but the expression quickly fades away. “I’m just sorry I couldn’t bring him back to you.”

  I immediately turn to Silas and the concerned expression on his face. Before I can even open my mouth to speak, he juts in and says, “I know what you’re thinking, and the answer is no.”

  Anger swells inside me. “You can’t stop me from trying to find him. I already told you: I’ll never stop looking until I get him back.”

  He stands up from the couch, his eyes wide with his own uncontrollable rage. “I won’t let you sacrifice yourself for him,” he bellows.

  “What will you do then?” I cry out at him. “Permanently handcuff me to the bedframe? Lock me up—”

  “That’s enough,” Silas interjects as he takes a step toward me as if he’s going to grab me by the shirt, but Joseph jumps up out of his chair to stop him and pulls him away from me, scolding him under his breath.

  Joseph takes Silas aside, keeping a hand firmly on his shoulder as he talks quietly with him in the hallway nearby where I can’t hear their conversation. I don’t really want to be in this room with them right now, but I don’t want to incite Silas’ unpredictable side any more than I already have by leaving the room in the middle of this conversation. Instead I opt to bring my feet up onto the couch and wrap my arms around my legs until I’ve formed myself into a protective ball. I bow my head and try to work away my remaining tears, since they do little to help my argument.

  “Okay,” I hear Silas concede, prompting me to raise my head to look at him as he approaches me from the hallway. He takes a seat at the couch next to me and gently takes my hand before saying, “We’ll go looking for Jake, but not this minute. Not even tomorrow or next week.” He holds up a finger to stop the protest about to leave my lips. “We’re going to work hard to train you as quickly as possible, and when I feel like you’re ready enough to face what’s out there with me, we’ll go find Jake.”

  I shake my head vehemently. “He could be dead by then.”

  “He could be dead already,” Silas shoots back. “He’s been alone on the run for over a week now. If he doesn’t have the skills to survive out there, he’s probably already gone.”

  My chest tightens, as I’m forced to face the thought of my brother’s death for what feels like the millionth time just since Joseph arrived, let alone since the day I first woke up alone in this house.

  “We can’t wait too long,” I quietly warn Silas. “The season will change soon. Fall will come and go, and once winter’s here…” I can’t complete that sentence, fully aware that winter in this region will be harsh and a struggle to survive, even with all of the amenities and advantages Silas has for us in this house.

  Silas reaffirms his grip on my
hand. “I know. The clock’s ticking for a lot of reasons.”

  A few final tears drip from my eyes, but I quickly brush them away. I need to harden myself against my emotions right now, or they’ll be too distracting for the endeavor I’m about to undertake.

  I pull my hand away from Silas as I stand and move toward Joseph who’s still watching us carefully from the hallway, likely keeping a close eye on Silas to ensure that he doesn’t blow up at me again. Stopping just in front of him, I offer my open hand to him in gratitude, and he accepts and shakes it.

  “Thank you again,” I say appreciatively, resisting the urge to hug him, not just for putting himself in harm’s way to try to find my brother, but also because he was the last person of the three of us to be with him and interact with him and talk to him. I figure Silas wouldn’t appreciate my hugging another man, even if only for innocent reasons, so I leave my show of gratitude as it is and finally let go of Joseph’s hand.

  He nods at me with a smile before looking back at Silas who’s standing up in front of the couch now watching us. “Let me know if there’s anything else I can do to help.”

  “Why don’t you stay for dinner?” Silas offers.

  Joseph holds his hand out and shakes his head. “I should really get back to the farm and make sure everything’s okay.” He looks from Silas to me and grins. “I’d only be a third wheel at dinner anyway.”

  I can’t help blushing at Joseph’s comment. He must know Silas and I are together, but I’m not sure he realizes just how close and intimate we’ve already become.

  We walk Joseph out to the car, and I watch from the point where the stone path meets the driveway as Silas helps unlock and open the driveway gate. Joseph turns the car around in the driveway and glances at me with a smile as he drives toward the opening and disappears through it. Once Silas has the gate closed and locked again, he walks over to me with a worried expression on his face.