Falling Ash

by Douglas, A. T.

  “How are you feeling?” he asks with concern, tipping my chin up with his forefinger.

  “I’m glad Joseph’s safe, but I’m worried about Jake,” I respond honestly. “I’m worried that we’ll never find him and I’ll never get closure.”

  His hand finds the side of my face, beckoning me to lean into his touch as he caresses my skin. He looks at me with a serious, but hopeful expression and says, “If he has even half the strength and resilience of his sister, I think he’ll manage okay out there.” He gently rubs his thumb against my cheek just the way he knows I like it. “Now all we have to do is get you ready to go and find him.”

  “Push me hard during this training,” I request, though it comes out more as a demand. “I want to be ready as soon as possible.”

  Silas flashes me a mischievous grin. “I’ll see what I can do.”

  28

  I can’t keep this shirt on a moment longer.

  As soon as I reach the edge of the pond near the house and fall to my knees, I raise my arms and lift my soaked t-shirt over my head. I’ve never been so drenched in sweat, and it’s only my eighth day of workouts and training.

  I would have stripped off my shirt hours ago if not for the distraction it would have caused Silas to have me running around in nothing but my bra and running shorts all afternoon. He doesn’t need another excuse to carry me up to the bedroom and plunge himself inside me. We do that more than enough already.

  Leaning down to the water, I cup my hands together to collect some of the precious liquid and quickly bring it to my lips. Only half the water makes it into my mouth, but I’m just as happy for the other half to splash down my chin and neck.

  When I’ve taken in enough to satisfy my thirst for this moment, I lean down and use both hands to splash wave after wave of cold water up against my face and down my chest, then all of a sudden I’m falling forward into the pond. The water’s not that deep, but in my struggle to recover to my hands and knees in it, I become completely soaked.

  I’m coughing up some water that managed to get down my airway as I look up to see Silas standing proudly over me at the water’s edge in his white t-shirt and navy blue running shorts. My first reaction is to yell at him for making a fool out of me like this, but he actually did me a favor. The water’s colder than I’d like, but feels good against my overheated skin.

  “Thanks, I think,” I tell him, pushing up to my knees in the muddy bottom of the pond.

  He grins widely. “You looked like you needed it.”

  “What I need is to start watching my back around small bodies of water,” I retort jokingly as I get to my feet. “Jake did the exact same thing to me right before…” My voice trails off as I unintentionally think back to the light and carefree moment Jake and I shared drenching each other in the pond at the state park just before the militia found our car and put us on the run.

  The playfulness in Silas’ expression quickly falters. “Hey, Nolan.”

  He pulls me back to the moment, calling me by my last name like he often has during the last eight days of vigorous training. It’s an effective means of motivating me to push harder and run faster, reminding me whom I’m getting ready to go to battle for.

  I clear my throat and refocus my attention where it should be. “Sorry, I’m ready for whatever’s next.”

  The seriousness in Silas’ expression takes on an entirely different meaning as his eyes slowly scan down my dripping body. It’s exhilarating to see the need build in his expression as he looks at me like that, even with the mud and slime from the bottom of the pond that I can feel clinging to my skin.

  “Take off your bra,” Silas instructs as he starts removing his shoes and socks.

  When I’ve removed it and tossed it on the shoreline, Silas pulls his shirt over his head and takes a step closer to the water. His eyes narrow in on my breasts, causing a visible twitch in his cock beneath his running shorts.

  He grabs for the hem of his shorts and nods forward at me, indicating for me to do the same. We pull down and step out of our remaining clothing, and I take off my soaked shoes and socks, discarding everything to the dirt until there’s nothing but an empty expanse of fresh air between my skin and his.

  When Silas reaches the edge of the water, I expect him to hold out a hand for me and pull me down to the dirt with him to fuck me right here in the open sunshine. He does grab my hand, but pulls me farther out into the water instead of taking me on shore.

  “This is our drinking water, you know,” I mention even though Silas is clearly already aware.

  He shrugs and takes us out deeper. “It gets filtered. Just don’t pee in it.”

  I roll my eyes at him as he flashes a grin in return. We’re out in the cold water up to our chests now, the surface barely covering the tops of my breasts, when he finally brings us to a stop.

  “We’re supposed to be training,” I remind him, though I’m more than happy for this distraction right now.

  “You deserve a break. You’ve worked really hard.” He turns toward me and grabs my other hand under the water.

  I’m going to ask the question I know he hates my asking, but I can’t help it. “Am I ready yet?”

  I brace myself for his usual automatic negative response, but he holds my gaze and contemplates his answer this time before replying. “You’re almost there. Your skills with the rifle are exceptional, all things considered. We really need to work on your stamina and close quarters combat, but that all comes with time and practice.”

  My entire face lights up. “So how close am I? When can we leave?”

  Silas laughs at my enthusiasm, which I should have known better than to display so openly in front of him. Despite the progress I’ve made, it’s clear he’s still hesitant about making this attempt to go find Jake.

  “Maybe a few days, maybe longer,” he replies, crushing my hopes just a tiny bit.

  He lets go of my hands and grasps my hips under the water. For a moment I think he’s going to venture his touch lower, but he works his hands up my sides all the way to my neck and shoulders instead, gently rubbing my skin, then splashing water over it to rinse the dirt away. It’s hard to believe that this is the same man who locked me up in the dark room for several days and made me dig up my brother’s supposed grave.

  “Do you think you’ve changed?” I ask cautiously while he continues working his hands across the top of my chest.

  The brick wall of silence immediately goes up between us, causing me to regret asking my question. I look away, worried that I’ve ruined what has otherwise been a productive and positive day.

  It’s not until Silas has cleaned the skin down each of my arms all the way out to my fingertips that he finally says something. “Why would you ask me that?”

  “It’s nothing,” I quickly respond, ready to move on from my stupid question that I never should have asked.

  Silas’ hands leave my skin completely as he demands my gaze. “Tell me why.”

  I take a deep breath and try to pick my words carefully. “You’re different now than you were before. You’ve been genuinely smiling, even cracked a joke or two. You seem happy.”

  Silas’ expression remains unaffected by my explanation until that very last word. The hardened shell of his exterior shatters, and he looks away. For a long moment we return to silence, but it feels different this time. I think I might have left him speechless.

  When he finally looks at me again, I can see the conflict in his eyes. I’m not sure what internal battle he’s facing, but it’s clearly affecting him.

  “You’ve given me all I ever wanted,” he says with almost a bit of surprise, “so of course I’m happy.” His expression turns more serious, the struggle raging on inside him. “That doesn’t mean I’ve changed. It doesn’t mean I’ll ever change.”

  Part of me questions the truth behind Silas’ words, convinced that he just doesn’t want to appear weak or vulnerable in front of me, but another part of me fears he’s right. Despite th
e progress he’s shown recently, at any moment he could turn on a dime and do something to torture my mind or body as he’s done countless times before. Even worse, he could do those things to Jake when we find him.

  The monster is only dormant inside Silas. It can emerge at any time and devour me, and soon my brother will be at risk, too.

  He can still end us if he chooses.

  “Are you happy?” Silas suddenly asks me.

  I part my lips to reply, but realize I don’t know what to say. My continued lack of response causes worry to build in Silas’ expression. I know I have to alleviate it, so I press my upper body forward against him and crash my lips to his as I answer his question with my actions instead of words.

  Despite the cold temperature of the water, I can feel him getting hard against my leg. His hands are on my hips now, their intentions completely different from before as he grabs my ass with one hand and slides his fingers down between my legs with the other, causing an immediate jolt of sexual energy to strike me at my core.

  An involuntary gasp escapes my lips and breaks our kiss as he enters me with two of his fingers and drives them deep inside. He retracts them just enough to remain within me then plunges them in again, drawing a deep moan from me with each movement. My right hand automatically moves to his cock and I take it in my palm, stroking him in unison with the movement of his fingers inside me.

  A brief growl reverberates in his chest when he realizes what I’m doing, and suddenly he’s the one devouring my lips and mingling his tongue with mine. We’re both getting closer to orgasm. I can feel it in the throbbing solid cock in my hand and the burning need between my legs, but then Silas abandons our kiss and removes his fingers from me. I open my eyes to see him turn around in the water just before I hear the source of his concern.

  Someone’s coming.

  Silas begins a rapid dash through the water toward the shore then stops abruptly as Joseph appears from the path that leads from the back of the property to the pond. He sees Silas first, then looks directly at me, and even though the water hides the majority of my naked body, I instinctively move to cross my arms to cover myself up.

  The pleasant look on Joseph’s face turns into a horrified expression as he realizes what he just walked in on, and that’s all the time it takes for him to immediately turn around and walk the other way as he calls out, “Wow. Sorry, I didn’t mean to—”

  “Joseph, get down here,” Silas yells. He glances back at me, silently asking if I’m okay, and despite my discomfort at being in this position, I nod slightly in response.

  “I’m really sorry,” Joseph continues as he reaches the shoreline. He doesn’t let his eyes wander anywhere near me this time, keeping his focus solely on Silas who’s still standing in waist-deep water.

  Silas waves off his apology and asks with urgency, “What’s going on?”

  “Nothing,” Joseph quickly replies then clears his throat. “I hit the jackpot today on a supply run and wanted to share the wealth.”

  “Why don’t we meet you out front?” Silas suggests, and before the last word even leaves his mouth, Joseph’s already nodding in agreement.

  He turns around and steps back onto the path up to the property. After a few steps, he calls out over his shoulder, “No rush.” He sounds completely serious, but I can see the slight smirk in his profile.

  As Joseph disappears up the path, Silas comes back out into the deeper water with me. I love that his first priority is to gauge my face to make sure I’m okay.

  “Joseph sometimes drops by unannounced,” Silas explains, “though he should know better than to do that now. He’s clearly not used to me being with someone.”

  “It’s okay,” I assure him. I’m a little embarrassed, but genuinely not concerned about it.

  Silas glances down to my chest hidden just beneath the water’s surface and reluctantly says, “We’ll have to continue this later.”

  I smile in agreement and begin trudging back through the water with Silas to the shore. Even though I trust Joseph is gone and that I’m no longer in his line of sight, I still rush to put my clothes back on.

  When we’re fully dressed again in our workout clothes, we make our way up the path and through the hidden gate in the backyard. Silas goes straight to releasing the backup lock on the driveway gate, then enters the code in the keypad to make the gate roll to the side. I’m surprised to see the silver Toyota Prius hybrid revealed from behind the gate.

  Joseph pulls the car forward into the driveway and parks it within feet of where I’m standing. My eyes immediately light up at the large wooden crates taking up the passenger seat and the entire length of the back seat. They’re full of bottle after bottle of wine. Silas joins me in observing the incredible amount of precious alcohol, just as Joseph gets out of the car and beams a smile toward us.

  “Perhaps I arrived just in time,” Joseph says playfully. “Your romantic day together in the woods would be incomplete without a perfectly aged bottle of wine.”

  Heat naturally rushes to my cheeks at Joseph’s comment, but I don’t feel ashamed about what happened. It’s been a long time since I’ve been together with someone, and I’ve never been with someone like Silas. I’m just not used to this yet.

  Silas laughs under his breath at Joseph’s tease as he opens the front passenger door and grabs a random bottle of red wine. Its label is completely in a foreign language that looks like Italian, but the year 2003 is at least visible at the bottom.

  “This is some really good wine,” he comments before placing the bottle back in the crate.

  Joseph nods proudly. “Found a hidden wine cellar in a ransacked house. It killed me to leave the rest of it behind.”

  I immediately turn to Silas. “We can go and get it,” I suggest, my eyes vibrant with excitement. “It’s a good test run. You can see how I do out there to check my progress, and at the same time we get the bonus of a truckload of alcohol.”

  Silas and Joseph share an uneasy glance, causing an immediate wave of disappointment to wash over me because I know that means I’m not leaving this property.

  “I don’t think it’s a good idea,” Silas finally says, solidifying the denial I knew was coming. “We should focus on your training.”

  I can’t avoid the sigh of frustration that escapes me. “It can’t take that long to go get the stuff and come back. We can keep training afterward.”

  Again, Silas and Joseph share a knowing look, causing awkwardness to loom in the air among the three of us until Joseph finally says, “It’s too far. It’s not worth your time to make the trip.”

  “Too far?” I ask in confusion. “Why wouldn’t you stay local for a supply run?”

  Joseph doesn’t answer, but I quickly gain insight when I look from him to the vehicle he arrived in.

  “You took the Prius instead of a truck,” I say quietly, thinking out loud. “You weren’t on a supply run at all.” The moment Joseph dips his head to divert his gaze from me, I know I’ve hit the nail directly on the head. I turn to Silas instead, narrowing my eyes at him. “You’ve had him looking for Jake this whole time you’ve been training me.”

  Silas doesn’t fold as easily. He stands his ground and holds my gaze. His expression turns firm, but he doesn’t say anything.

  The confidence and enthusiasm I’ve built up over the last week begin to crumble a bit inside me. “You have no intention of taking me out on the road to find Jake, do you?”

  “It’s not safe,” Silas immediately argues, making his answer clear. “No matter how good you become at what I teach you right now, you need more practice and experience. I won’t risk something happening to you out there in the complete unknown. It’s too dangerous.”

  I feel a painful lump forming in my throat at Silas’ lack of faith in my ability to defend myself and survive out there. He’s back to playing his stupid mind games all over again, but it’s worse now that I’ve given myself to him fully. His tricks and schemes feel like the ultimate betrayal
when we’re supposed to be partners in this life.

  Silas was right in what he said before. He hasn’t changed at all and probably never will. We aren’t partners. There’s no equal ground between us. He’ll always be the dominant one, fully in control of me and directing the course of my life. He’ll provide for me and give me the comfort that helps me get through each day, but he’ll never give me any sense of freedom.

  Wherever Jake is right now, at least he’s free. He’s already had a taste of what’s it’s like to be held captive and be restricted to one place. I’m certain he’ll do everything possible to avoid being in that position again. He’ll fight for his freedom, even if he has to die for it.

  Maybe Jake is better off on his own, far away from Silas and his twisted mind games and violent mood swings and ultimate authority to decide whether the people around him should live or die. Maybe I was selfish to want to bring him here and put him at such risk with a man I have no ability to control.

  Maybe he’s better off without me.

  “You need to stop,” I say quietly as the buildup of emotion within me finally gets expelled in the form of frenzied tears racing down my cheeks. “Stop looking for Jake. I don’t want him to come here.”

  “Ash, I—”

  “No.” I immediately stop Silas’ protest and step closer to him, getting right up in his face. “I won’t let Jake anywhere near you and your stupid games. You don’t get another Nolan to mindfuck all the time.” My emotions rise faster than I can handle, and I have to hold back the sobs threatening to escape me. “I won’t bring him here to be locked away or used as a pawn in your grand scheme.”

  “You need your brother,” Silas insists as he grabs my shoulders. I immediately try to struggle away from his touch, but he only holds me tighter and pulls me closer to him. “You need this resolution. You need to be with family.”

  The tightness in my chest becomes too much, and I can’t hold back the sobs any longer. When his arms encircle my back and he brings me against his chest, I continue my struggle at first, but I quickly give in and relax into his hold because I don’t have the emotional energy to fight through this on my own right now. It’s so much easier to fall back on Silas for support, like giving in to a desperate craving for the most addictive drug. The moment I take him in, I feel instant satisfaction and relief.