Sojourner

by Maria Rachel Hooley

  “How is he?” My voice sounds desperate.

  “Breathing but not conscious.” He eyes the house. “I need to clear a path for the EMTs. You two stay here”

  “Oh my God.” Tears burn my eyes threatening to spill down my face. Lev’s hands brace my shoulders. I try to pull away from them, hating the way he wants to numb my pain, as if not feeling it will make it less real, a distant memory I can keep simmering in the back of my mind instead of burning through my thoughts, consuming me.

  A siren wails distantly, and all I can do is stand there numbly and wait until the ambulance lurches to the house. Two EMTs get out. One carries a medical bag and the other some kind of a board. Lev’s hands moved from gently massaging to gripping my shoulders. They glance at us, and Lev nods to the house.

  “Jimmie can’t die.” I meet his eyes and whisper, “Save him. I’m begging you.” My voice is filled with pain I can’t control.

  Lev brings me close and kisses my forehead. “I can’t,

  Elizabeth. It’s not in my power, though I wish it were.”

  I close my eyes, and feel lightheaded, as though everything is warped and weird. “If something happens, it’s because of me,” I whisper. “It will be my fault.”

  “That’s not true,” Lev argues. “You didn’t try to kill Jimmie. Someone else did that.”

  Sensing my weakness, he slips his arm around me and ushers me into the truck seat and turns on the engine for the heater. I want somebody to take this back, take back finding my father’s body. Take back all the things I cannot control. One hand reaches for mine and clutches it tightly.

  “There’s never just darkness,” he whispers, and I lean against his chest, feeling his arm wrapping around me, my head tucked just under his chin.

  “What if I can’t do this?” I whisper. “What if I can’t take it?”

  He kisses my forehead. “You’re stronger than you realize.”

  The officer approaches and begins firing questions. As I can’t seem regain control of thoughts. They begin with Jimmie and scatter like buckshot in so many different tangles that I can’t seem to control. I stare ahead at nothing and keep seeing either Jimmie’s face or the news footage about my father’s body being discovered.

  “We’ll finish collecting evidence but it’s going to take some time.” He looks at me. “Do you have any place you can stay for this evening?”

  “Our families are close. She can stay with us.”

  “I’ll probably be down at the hospital with Jimmie anyway.”

  The two EMT’s come outside carrying Jimmie on that board they brought in. I stand and start toward them, but Lev pulls me back.

  “Give them some room.”

  The police officer opens the front door so they can carry him out to the ambulance. One of the EMTs looks at me. “We’re going to Grace Hospital. You want to ride along?”

  “Yes.” I turn at look up at Lev.

  “I’ll follow you. Go ahead.”

  I nod and head out to the ambulance, watching as they load Jimmie up. The red and blue lights whirl around, bathing all the houses in that garish glow. All the neighbors have come out and stand on their porches, watching us. Another mark against me fitting in.

  Once they settle Jimmie, the EMT nods for me to get in, and I sit next to Jimmie. I hold his hand, thinking that it looked as though Jimmie were only sleeping and that any moment he’ll wake, and I can stop this fear that seems to be eating through me. The vehicle rumbles forward, wailing.

  “How is he?” I force myself to ask, my fingers gently stroking Jimmie’s hand.

  “Stable. I can’t be sure about any broken bones, but I’m willing to bet his ribs are probably cracked. The X-ray will tell us what we need to know.”

  More waiting. That’s all there is. I wait for my father’s body to turn up. I wait for tests on Jimmie. Now I wait for the same person who attacked Jimmie to find me. Then I wait to lose Lev. My heart keeps racing and I lean back, trying to steady my nerves.

  “Lizzie?” The voice is gruff and weak.

  I open my eyes to find Jimmie weakly looking at me. “Thank God,” I whisper and lean over to kiss his forehead. Jimmie blinks two or three times before his eyes close again, and he slips back into the painful haze.

  I hear a sudden long beep, and the EMT frantically rises and glares at the monitor. I follow his gaze and see that where the line follows the spikes and valleys of Jimmie’s heartbeat, it now shows a flat line.

  The EMT starts CPR.

  I think of Lev and begin rocking. “Jimmie, you’ve got to stay here. Stay with me.” I grip his hand harder, touching his face. “I can’t do this alone.”

  He’s so quiet, so still. Only the EMT is moving. The machine is screaming one long hateful note, and I can’t make it go away. “Jimmie!” I cry again.

  He doesn’t answer. I can’t take the sound of the monitor so I cover my ears and rock back and forth. Back and forth. I force myself to think about Lev and the place among the stars where I lingered in his arms. Lev…. Lev….

  Lev….

  The darkness has never been this palpable before. It patterns my skin, bruising every part of me, and I ache from the residue of my nightmares. How can loss hurt this much? I can’t lose him.

  “You won’t.” I hear Lev’s voice in my thoughts. “Trust me.”

  Silence. Shaking, I slowly open my eyes. I look at the monitor. The line rises and falls like Jimmie’s heart. I take his hand again. He feels cold, but then again, so does everyone who isn’t Lev.

  The nearest hospital is twenty miles away, and it seems to take forever before we finally pull into the parking lot. Thankfully the driver cuts the siren as we pull into the emergency bay so that Jimmie can be unloaded into the ER. I am not ready for this, I think, brushing my hair back.

  I am not strong enough to lose those I love.

  Chapter Eighteen

  Most of the night passes in a white disinfectant blur, first in the ER, and, finally, in a hospital room where Jimmie lies with three fractured ribs, a concussion, and a broken arm. His blood pressure is elevated, and even though Jimmie has always taken medication for it, I know it’s this town eating away at him.

  One side of Jimmie’s face is swollen from where a fist probably pummeled it, and the bruising is bluish-purple I wince every time I look at it. But at least the machines are consistently quiet and Jimmie’s EKG is a calm wave of spikes and valleys. I lean back in an uncomfortable chair and try to rub the stress from my neck. The muscles in my shoulders ache from sitting in the same position so long, my back unsupported. Glancing at the clock, I realize that in about half an hour class will be starting and I won’t be there. I refuse to leave Jimmie’s side until he regains consciousness. Hopefully, then he’ll be able to tell me who hurt him. At the very least, he can hear me tell him how much I love him and how much I appreciate all the things he’s done for me.

  My hand rests atop his, and I’ve seen more than a few nurses wandering in and out, taking his vitals, and looking to see if anything has changed. Already I can see sunlight seeping around the vertical blinds, creeping into the room through the frosted glass. The room is warm enough, but I can’t seem to stop shaking today. Jimmie is the only family I have, and I can’t fathom a life without him.

  The door opens slowly, and Lev slips in, carrying a covered Styrofoam take-out box and a can of soda. I shake my head as he shoves them into my hands.

  “You need to eat something. You didn’t get dinner last night.” He gestures to the platter. “I shoved some silverware inside.”

  “You didn’t have to do this,” I protest, knowing I should be hungry but I’m not. It’s like I’m dead inside. Maybe when Jimmie wakes up, I will too.

  “Yeah, right.” He moves to the chair on the other side of the bed. “You have low blood sugar sometimes, and the last thing either you or Jimmie needs is for you to end up in here.” He points to the tray again. “So eat.”

  “Yes, sir,” I mutter, carefully pullin
g up the lid to reveal a stack of pancakes doused with syrup, with a pile of eggs on the side.

  “How did you know what I liked?”

  He shrugs. “Lucky guess.” Reaching behind him, he gently tugs the pole to open the blinds ever so slightly, revealing a brighter sky.

  “Don’t you need to go to school?” I ask. It’s a ridiculous question, really, considering Lev is an angel. A really old angel. But he does have to keep up his appearances, right?

  “Evan’ll call me in sick and let the school know you’re here. Not that it will be a big secret. I’m sure everyone, including Principal Williams, has heard the rumors by now.”

  “Probably,” I glumly agree, wishing someone else’s life could fall under the microscope for a change. I cut into my pancakes. As the first bite hits my taste buds, I remember what it feels like to be ravenous.

  I finish most of the pancakes, but by that time, I wave off the eggs and re-cover the box, feeling full and very, very tired. I set the box on the rolling table beside the soda that Lev brought me. I open the soda, hoping it will give me more energy.

  “You look a little better, but I’ll bet taking a little walk might help wake you up.” He picks up the box. “Are you finished?”

  “I can throw my own trash away,” I argue.

  “I’ll take that as a yes.” He carries it to the trash and sets it on top. He stares ahead distractedly, and I can tell there is something he wants to say.

  “So what’s on your mind?” I roll my shoulders one at a time, trying to stretch the cramped feeling from them.

  “Last night I overheard something troublesome.”

  “Troublesome?” I wrap my arms around my body, not liking the way that sounds. “What do you mean?”

  “Apparently before Jimmie was attacked, the neighbors across the street saw someone stop by.”

  The breath catches in my throat. “Who exactly did the Baumans see?”

  “Griffin. Mr. Bauman said that when Jimmie answered the door, they had words. Griffin’s voice was too low for him to hear, but he heard Jimmie cussing him out very distinctly.

  “So.” I pretended I don’t understand the implications. It’s safer that way, considering all the things that Mr. Maguire has said about Griffin. I want to believe that the history teacher just doesn’t like him, but this…this goes beyond just not liking him.

  “The police have taken him into custody, and right now it looks like some charges are actually going to be filed against him.”

  I stand and pace the room, unable to believe what I’m hearing. Although I never liked Griffin’s cocky attitude, I can’t believe he would hate me that much. “I don’t think he did anything.”

  “If it weren’t for the accident at the falls and the break-in, he wouldn’t appear guilty, but having a loud argument with someone who is later attacked only makes you look bad.”

  As if Griffin needed that.

  “So, how about that walk?”

  I shake my head. “I don’t want to leave before he wakes up. He shouldn’t wake up alone.”

  Lev sets his hand on my shoulder and squeezes reassuringly. “That could be in five minutes or five hours, Elizabeth. Jimmie’s working on his own time. Besides, you won’t be gone long, just enough time to stretch your legs.”

  “No.” I reach up and squeeze his hand. “He’s always been there for me, and I have to be there for him.” My words are clipped, and sitting here, looking at Jimmie’s wounded body wrapped in that stupid gown just keeps reminding me of how close I came to losing him altogether and how close he came to losing me.

  “You need a break. At least for a few minutes.” He takes my hand and pulls me up despite my reluctance.

  “What if he wakes up and I’m not there?” The thought is unbearable.

  “The nurses will page you. Trust me.”

  I lean over and kiss Jimmie’s forehead before Lev leads me away. My breath catches as I take a last look and step into the hallway, my legs rubbery from not having used them. As we step away from the room, I feel weightless and adrift, as though I have no place.

  “You okay?” Lev asks, his fingers gently caressing my arm.

  “Fine,” I reply, unsure.

  Late in that evening when darkness has claimed the sky, and the room steeps in warm glimmer of the lights, Jimmie’s eyes finally flutter open. I don’t notice at first; I’m lost in my own world where this nightmare isn’t happening, the world where my parents are alive, and I’m not worried about fitting in. It’s a fantasy, but that’s better than where I’m at. In that world, Lev will always be there just as he’s been here. He rests against the chair, my head on his chest.

  “Lizzie?” Jimmie whispers hoarsely. The sound is dry and grating, his throat raw.

  I blink and nod. Jimmie blinks rapidly, trying to clear the haze, I imagine.

  “Jimmie,” I whisper, immediately leaning forward, my hand grabbing for his. Lev scoots to the edge of his seat to be closer to both of us. “I’m so glad you’re awake. I was so scared.” I feel the panic and tears I’ve been holding washing over me, immersing me in that painful tide.

  “I’m okay. Could I have some water?” he whispers. He keeps blinking as thought the bright light hurts, so I turn one of them off. I start to grab the water pitcher from the nightstand, but Lev stays my trembling hand.

  “I don’t think Jimmie wants to wear that ice water; I’ll get it.”

  I nod, still in a daze, thinking maybe it’s the fatigue kicking in. I know I’ve been awake for close to 24 hours so I’m bound to get loopy any minute.

  “Thanks.” I offer Lev a weak smile and go back to Jimmie’s bedside. “How are you feeling?” I take his hand and stroke it.

  “Head hurts.”

  Lev offers him the cup. “I didn’t fill it completely because I was afraid the water might end up on you.” Lev pushes the button to raise the head of the bed.

  “Smart,” Jimmie says, closing his eyes and taking the cup with his IV hand. He sips at first then keeps going until the cup is completely dry. Lev holds out his hand for the cup and takes it from Jimmie.

  “More?” Lev asks, one hand resting on the pitcher.

  “That’s plenty.” He rests his head back against the pillow. “Thank you.”

  Lev sets the cup down next to the pitcher. “Who did this, Mr. Abram?”

  He gazes around the room as though he’s fully realizing his predicament. “He came at me from behind. I never even saw him.”

  “Do you remember Griffin coming by?” I ask softly.

  Jimmie blinks once or twice. “Yeah. He kept trying to say that he thought you were in danger. Hell, I could have told him that much. Besides, he almost killed you at the falls, and I didn’t have much of a mind to listen to him ramble on so I yelled at him to leave.” He shakes his head. “If I remember correctly, I had to keep yelling for the next ten minutes.”

  Lev and I exchange glances. So much for that. Still, the fact Jimmie is still here is more than I dared to hope for.

  “I told you this town was no good. You can’t stay at the house by yourself.” His voice almost dies, and he winces as the pain washes over him.

  “She won’t, Mr. Abram. She can stay in my sister’s room, and if the police okay it, I’ll help clean the mess.”

  Jimmie whispers, “Thank you.” I can tell he wants to say more, but the fatigue won’t allow it. As it is, his eyes are closing. The last thing he says before drifting off is for me to get some sleep.

  We both sit there long after Jimmie has drifted off, but I feel Lev staring at me more than Jimmie, which seems odd. Then, as if to command my attention, he brushes the hair from my eyes.

  “I should take you back. It’s been a rocky day, and you really look beat, kind of like you’re going to fall over at any moment.”

  “Shouldn’t I stay here?” I wipe my face, trying to get rid of the haze clouding my thoughts, but I can’t.

  “Nope. Even Jimmie said you need rest and what Jimmie wants, Jimmie gets.
” He lifts me from the chair by my arm.

  “I don’t think it’s such a good idea.” I stare at Jimmie’s face, hating the way the gown and bruises have made him so vulnerable.

  “Too bad.” He pulls me toward the door.

  “Don’t you ever listen to the word ‘no?’”

  “What do you think?” His winning smile mocks me. “Besides, Jimmie is fine. You, however, need about a 20 hour nap to recuperate, and it just so happens that I can help you with that.”

  Without waiting for me to protest, he drags me down the hall to the exit. Once we step through the sliding glass doors, I notice that the temperature has dropped significantly since last night. It feels like it’s about five degrees without the wind blowing.

  Lev sees me shivering and drapes his arm around me, drawing me into his warm zone. I’m so tired. I lean against him, longing desperately for sleep as we trudge across the lot to the truck.

  Lev opens the passenger door, and I force myself to stay awake so I can get inside. My fingers fumble drawing the seatbelt across my lap, but then I can lean against the seat and close my eyes. Somewhere in the blackness, I feel the truck start moving, but I’m past giving it serious thought. I feel my body shifting with the movement, and Lev gently draws my body toward him as he lifts his arm up so that I rest against his chest, my head tucked just beneath his chin. The movement goes on, lulling me deeper. I’m barely conscious when we come to a stop and Lev gently picks me up and lifts me from the truck to carry me inside.

  “Is she all right?” Celia whispers, leaning close to me.

  “Exhausted. I’m going to put her in my bed and I’ll take the couch.”

  I try to fight the blackness, but that, coupled with Lev’s warmth finds me unable to escape, not that I really want to anyway. It’s only when he gently sets me on the bed and removes my coat and shoes that I realize I’m in Lev’s bed where he lovingly draws the covers around my body.

  Lev kneels and kisses my forehead. I can’t explain it, but he’s the only part of my life I can’t wish had never happened. Through half-closed eyes, I see a smile touch his lips. He starts to pull away, probably heading for the door, but I grab his hand.