Choices

by Annie Brewer

  “I’m going to be Tommy Lee this year.” Mason states.

  “Are you kidding?” I ask, trying not to laugh.

  “No, I can totally pull it off.”

  “Okay, I think you lost your brain somewhere.” I interject. I grab my books and shut my locker, which I’ve decorated with Halloween decals.

  “I’m going to be Pamela Anderson.” Meg approaches us. I raise my eye brows and bite my tongue.

  “Wow, you guys are going to be dressed as the worst couple in history. Have fun with that.”

  Just then I spot him in the west wing. “Hey, I’ll see you guys in class.”

  I walk away, trying to stay focused and cross my arms as soon as I approach him...

  “Gracie.” He says, surprised to see me. He gives me a skeptical look.

  “What are you doing?”

  “I’m getting ready for class.” He shuts his locker and leans against it, books clutched in his hands.

  “Stop pining for me. Go out and date.” I’m not usually one to tell another what to do, but my hands are tied. I have to at least try. He flinches, as if I’d slapped him.

  “What? Why are you telling me to date? And who told you I was pining for you?” I hear irritation in his voice.

  “Look you left me. You’re free to do what you want. I hear Jana likes you so go tap that ass. “The words leave a bitter taste in my mouth and I almost don’t recognize my own voice. Go tap that ass? Who says that anymore?

  “Jana? Are you fucking kidding me? You know I can’t stand her. What is really going on Gracie? And don’t lie to me.” I look around the hall for nosy ears before proceeding, but realize the halls have mostly cleared out.

  “Jana threatened me a few weeks ago. She said if I didn’t talk to you about going out with her.” I swallow the bitter pill and continue. “She was going to tell the whole school I’m pregnant.”

  “Um, I think they’re going to find out anyway. You can’t hide that forever.”

  “Yeah, thanks genius I know that. But I don’t want them to find out because of her. Who knows what kind of story she’d make up to make me look bad?”

  “Are you sure you want to have this baby? Have you considered adoption? So many women can’t have babies. I’m sure they’d find a great home.” I roll my eyes, irritated.

  “God, you make it sound like I’m giving up a puppy for adoption. This is my baby and I’m keeping it. Look, just fix it.” As I start to turn away, he grabs my arm. I look at him then at his hand, which he swiftly moves to rest at his side.

  “Gracie, can we please talk? I still love you.” I’m not sure what I’m supposed to say so I say nothing.

  “Fix it Nick. If you love me, you won’t let her ruin me or this baby.” I leave and don’t look back.

  I’m ready for this year to be over. There are too many judgmental people in my school. “Are you going to the party next weekend?” Meg asks while we’re sitting on my bed, having a slumber party.

  “No, I don’t think so. No more parties for me for a while.”

  “What? You go every year.”

  “You’re forgetting I’m never pregnant every year. This year is different.” She pouts a little obvious so I throw my pillow at her. “Cheer up. You can still go. And, you get to take Mason as your date. You’re going to have a blast.”

  “It won’t be the same without you.”

  “It never is.” She smiles and we settle in my bed for our movie. During The Notebook my mind wanders. I think about Carter and what he’s doing. I miss him, his laugh and his beautiful smile. The way he looks at me and always puts me first, his kind heart, nice hair and his eyes that makes you willing to do anything for him with just one gaze.

  “You want some popcorn? Meg pulls me out of my depressing stupor. I miss my friend.

  “No thanks.” I’m not even looking at the TV.

  Meg sits down beside me. “What’s wrong?” After a few minutes of silence, Meg runs her fingers through my hair soothingly. “Did something happen with Carter?”

  “Not really. I just haven’t talked to him much, thanks to Jana. She came to my work a few weeks ago threatening to tell the school about my pregnancy if I didn’t hook her up with Nick.”

  “Are you serious? What is wrong with that bitch? Did he find out?”

  “No he wasn’t around, thank God. But I was so freaked out. I’ve been acting weird around him ever since. I miss him. Meg, I’ve fallen for him. I didn’t want to. I didn’t want this to happen and God knows it’s stupid to think of him as anything other than a friend. Even if we’re just friends, I’ll take it.” I put my head in my pillow, feeling the self-pity party starting.

  Then I feel the bed creak as Meg gets up.

  “You need to go talk to him, now. Fix your friendship. I don’t care how, just do it. Don’t let some tramp control your life.” I lift my head, about to agree when Tyler peaks his head in my bedroom. “Carter’s here.” I glance at Meg in surprise and sit up.

  “Well, he’s your chance. Go get him honey.” I jump off my bed, anxious and curious what brought him here. I grip the banister as I make my way to the door smiling.

  “Hey.”

  Chapter 25

  “Hey.” He says back, getting up from the porch chair he was sitting in. “Sleeping?” He asks and I suddenly realize I’m in my pink flannel pajamas. I get a slight chill from the October breeze and I hug myself.

  “No, I was having a slumber party with Meg.” He smiles.

  “Oh, I’m sorry for bothering you.” His smile falters, replaced by a look of disappointment maybe.

  “Oh no, it’s fine really. Do you want to go for a walk?” He nods and he’s by my side instantly.

  We walk in silence until we come to a small park about two blocks from my house. It has a little duck pond off to the left. I used to play here all the time as a kid, when I wasn’t at the baseball fields. I even fished in the pond a few times. It seems much smaller now. Growing up it felt like a castle. I guess that’s what happens when we grow; everything that used to feel so big becomes smaller.

  I sit in the middle of the merry go ‘round, and lean my back against one of the bars, holding my knees up to my chest. He looks contemplative, and guilt settles in my stomach. He casually begins pushing me, slowly.

  “I don’t know if I’ve upset you or what I’ve done to make you feel uncomfortable around me.” My heart constricts and I close my eyes, willing the tears to stay away.

  “You didn’t do anything wrong Carter.”

  “Then why are you avoiding me? Why do I feel like you’re hiding something?” God, if only he knew. I look out at the houses across from the park, aware that the merry go ‘round has stopped. I look over and see him staring at me.

  “You remember that girl that came in to the café?”

  “You mean the one who had you gripping the counter until your knuckles turned white? Yes, I remember, what about her?” He sits down on the edge across from me, pushing us with one foot.

  “Well, she and I don’t get along.”

  “I gathered that from the altercation.”

  “She came in to stir up trouble about my ex and was threatening me.”

  His eyes rise in shock. “Wait, so she threatened you and you didn’t do anything? What did she want?”

  “She’s always had a crush on him when we started dating so she started to hate me and tried causing problems. She wants me to set her up with him now that we’re no longer together.”

  “And did you? Wait, that didn’t come out right. I meant, what did you do?”

  “I talked to him but he hates her. And he claims to still love me.” Something flickers in his eyes; a look of sadness crosses his face.

  “And…do you?” I hate this part. I hate that I can’t tell him why we broke up in the first place.

  “It’s complicated. I wish I knew what I was feeling.” He looks away and I close my eyes, wishing I could take that statement back. “Hey, we can still hang out. I really w
ant to. You make me laugh and I have a lot of fun with you.” He gives me a little smile. “I’m sorry for acting so weird around you. Things have just been so messed up lately. I don’t want to drag you into my drama.” He finally looks at me, his gaze intense.

  “I enjoy your company. Don’t ever worry about dragging me into anything.” We sit in silence for a while until we decide to finally leave.

  At work the following Sunday it’s really busy, two weeks before Halloween. Meg and I had put up decorations with Mason’s help. We put up orange and black lights on the shutters and around the bushes with a blow up witch, ghost and pumpkin in the front yard. My little brother hung up spider webs around the house. It definitely gives the extra creepy effect.

  “How are you doing?” Carter stands beside me, observing the busy café. I lean over the counter watching the customers.

  “I’m fine. It’s busy today.”

  “That’s a good thing; it makes the day go by quickly.” I nod in agreement. He turns his body toward mine, his blue eyes sparkling. “What are you doing for Halloween?” Curiosity piques my interest.

  “I don’t really have plans, yet.” Not that I can much anyway.

  “Well, there is a party I was invited to from a buddy of mine. I’d like you to come. If you want,”

  “I can’t really go to parties.” He looks disappointed, and then tilts his head to the side.

  “You can’t or don’t want to?” Damn, what do I say to that?

  “I don’t like to. But I was going to take my brother trick or treating, if you want to join us.” He perks up and smiles.

  “Count me in. What is he dressing up as?”

  “Iron Man. He loves those comic book characters but that one is his favorite. He’s got the mask and everything, well which is mainly the mask and gloves.”

  I can feel my body growing more these days, although the morning sickness has subsided substantially, I’ve been feeling faint and bouts of dizziness. I thought it was supposed to get easier the further along the pregnancy is. But at my last appointment, I got to hear the heartbeat and it was so amazing. It made me feel better knowing that the baby was doing okay, despite so much loss of nutrients due to my lack of appetite or puking it back up. I stifle a yawn and take a swig of my water. I notice a gentleman gesturing to me with his eyes.

  “I’ll be right back.” I put my glass down and walk to his table.

  “Can I help you sir?”

  “Yeah, can I have regular cheesecake and a beer?” Ew, beer with cheesecake? Barf!

  “Um, this is a café sir not a bar.”

  “Well, shit I came to the wrong place then. Oh hell I’m messin’ with you darlin’. Give me a mocha frappe then. Please.” He wiggles his eyebrows at me. I smile to be polite but he kind of creeps me out. As I walk away, I catch him staring at my ass. It only makes me more eager to get away from him. While making the frappe, Carter watches me skeptically. I wipe my brow of sweat.

  “Are you okay?”

  “Yeah, why?” I ask, blowing my hair out of my face.

  “You just look a little pale or sick. You have bags under your eyes too. Are you getting any sleep Gracie?” I don’t have time for interrogation. He grabs my arm as I move to serve the creepy guy.

  “What?” I snap, unintentionally. My life is spiraling out of control and my moods are really taking over causing my mood to change drastically without warning. When he swiftly drops my arm, I walk away. I set the man’s coffee and cheesecake down, wiping my sweaty palms on my pants.

  “Thank you sweetheart. Hey are you feeling okay? You look like you’re going to faint.” I scowl at him and his big nose, which probably has a zip code of its own. I stroll back to the counter; my whole body begins to tremble. I winch over feeling queasy and scared. What’s happening to me?

  “Gracie? What’s going on?”

  “I need, I need to lie down. I need water.” He quickly grabs a clean glass and fills it up with water and hands it to me, but my hands are shaking so badly water splashes over the rim. He takes it from me and places it on my lips, tilting it up slowly. Carter frantically guides me to the back room. I’m weak, so weak. My vision becomes hazy and my feet feel like Jell-O.

  “Gracie! Gracie, look at me.” He grabs my face in his hands and I can barely make out his features. He grabs the phone and starts dialing all the while talking to me, telling me to stay with him or something to that effect. My body can no longer hold me up and all of the sudden everything goes black as my eyes roll in the back of my head.

  I hear voices, none of which I recognize. I have no idea where I am but I know I’m in a bed by the soft cushion under my butt and the feel of sheets that are clutched in my hands by my sides. My eyes flutter open, taking in its surroundings.

  I’m in a...hospital? What the hell? I start to sit up when I see him. Carter is standing in the doorway and it all comes rushing back to me. I remember we were at work and some creepy guy was being, well creepy. I started to feel faint and Carter took me to the back room. Then he brought me here. Does he know now?

  Shit!

  I glance at him, trying to read his expression. Shock. Anger. Confusion. He crosses the room to my bed. My eyes search his for some kind of answer, emotion. I find one of relief.

  “Thank God you’re okay. You really had me worried.” He tucks a strand of hair behind my ear while his gaze travels over my face before meeting my eyes again. It’s such an intimate gesture and I can’t stop my racing heart from beating so loudly in my ears. “Pregnant huh?” He asks raising an eye brow. I bite my bottom lip.

  I look away ashamed, guilt consuming me. I should have told him. This wasn’t how I wanted him to find out. Of course part of me is relieved it’s out in the open with him now. “I’m so sorry Carter.” Is all I can think of saying, not that it makes it any better.

  “Why didn’t you tell me?” His voice is soft but no doubt I hear the hurt in it.

  “The last guy-being the father that is, I told I was pregnant and he left me. Alone. Because he wasn’t ready to be a father yet. He felt his dreams were more important than anything else.” My eyes start to water but I blink back the tears. I can’t read his expression. “Say something. Please. Tell me you want nothing to do with me. Or just turn and walk away. Just stop looking at me like that.” I plead.

  “Why would I walk away Gracie?” He asks leaning pretty close to the point of seeing his gold flecks in his eyes. I forget to breathe.

  “Because, because I’m a seventeen year old mother-to-be. A teen mom, you know there’s a show for girls like me.”

  “Okay, so you’re going to be a teen mom. I’ve seen stranger things. My older sister was a teen mom. I know the hell she went through when she was left pregnant and alone.”

  “Okay, but to be honest, I had accepted the fact that I was going to raise this baby by myself. I had started to come to terms with being alone because let’s face it; no one is going to want to deal with someone else’s baggage. But then you came along and disrupted it all and made me see that I don’t want to be alone.”

  “Is that why you’ve tried so hard pushing me away?” I nod.

  “Look, I was shocked when the doctor told me. I thought he had lost his mind or got you confused with someone else. But then it started to make sense-your weepiness, mood swings, morning sickness, it all added up. Wait, is that why you don’t drink coffee?”

  “No, I never liked that stuff. The smell alone kills me. My senses have heightened a lot so my smell is more pronounced.”

  “Sorry. As I was saying, even with all of that in mind, I never once thought about bailing. I mean, what kind of person would I be?”

  “The smart kind?” I answer truthfully. He pulls up a chair beside my bed and sits, leaning close.

  “Gracie, you may disagree but not all guys are like your ex. There are guys that are actually kind, understanding and sensitive.” I couldn’t agree more in this moment.

  “There are none of those in high school.” I stat
e. All guys care about are parties and getting laid. Oh yeah, and football.

  “Well, you’re lucky I’m not in high school.” He gives me a small smile; his stare is intense, probing. I forget to breathe as our gazes hold. Is he going to kiss me?

  As if he hears my silent question, his eyes travel down my face and stop at my lips. My heart quickens its pace in my chest with anticipation. I’ve fantasized about this for a while, well not my first kiss being in a hospital but just the prospect of a kiss at all with Carter. He leans into me, stroking my left cheek with a warm hand. It feels like sparks flying in my body. His mouth curves into a grin. “You’re so beautiful.” He whispers, his hot breath on my face.

  Then it happens so fast, I don’t have time to really process it. He dips his head and our lips touch, lightly and sweet at first. He pulls back to look at me and I smile, giving him permission. He presses his lips to mine again, moving in rhythm. I relax and close my eyes, leaning into his kiss which intensifies. His lips are soft and warm and taste like butterscotch, which I’m normally not a fan of. But on him, I like.

  My heart is beating so loudly I’m sure he can hear it. So many thoughts race through my head but I can’t really distinguish any of them. Our tongues greet each other and my hands are running through his soft dark hair. He grabs my face in his hands, gently rubbing my cheeks with his thumbs. “Are you okay?” I nod. He smiles and kisses me while staring into my eyes. I hear a moan escape his throat. Or is it mine? I can’t tell, not that it matters at the moment. My heart is beating rapidly against my chest. I’m afraid it’s going to burst.

  His kiss slows down to a sweet and passionate kiss that melts every part of my body right down to my toes. When he pulls away, I reluctantly open my eyes, disappointed. He studies me as I’m trying to catch my breath. I stare into his blue eyes, wondering what’s going through his head. I lean back into the fluffy white pillow feeling a slight headache coming on. I rub my temples, closing my eyes.

  “Too soon?” I hear him say. I shake my head, with my eyes still closed.

  “No, that was…nice.” A smile touches my lips and open one eye to see him smirking at me.