Choices

by Annie Brewer

  “What the hell is going on Gracie?” Grammy notices the voice and starts to cringe. Everyone is asking me the same thing and I start to feel dizzy and sick. I shrug with no answer. Grammy throws the door open with more force than necessary, causing it to hit the wall. A growl escapes her throat. “What the hell are you doing here? Haven’t you caused enough problems?”

  “I need to talk to Gracie.” Suddenly, it’s stifling in the room, the air shifts as Nick catches sight of Carter and he’s no longer focused on me. His gaze appears menacing. I look to Carter, but he’s not looking at us.

  “Carter?” Nick shifts his gaze back to me, probing. “You’re dating Carter?” He’s pointing and Carter looks stunned. He stands up, a defensive stance.

  “What the hell are you doing here?” Carter marches to my side, protective.

  “I should ask you the same thing. Oh wait, I already fucking did. What are you doing here?” I look between the two guys, confused as all get out. Something feels off about this. I catch Meg’s expression and her wide eyes mirror my thoughts.

  “Yes, I’m dating Carter.” I put my hand up in front of me and take a deep breath to gather my thoughts. “Hold on; tell me what the crap is going on. How do you know him?” He drops his hands to his sides.

  “He’s my fucking cousin. And I don’t want to see him.” As the words sink in, nausea sets in. They’re cousins? How can that be? Nick never mentioned Carter. I feel lightheaded and my body sways a little. I need air before I pass out.

  “Wow, this night has gone from crazy to just plain fucked up.” I whip my head around, surprised to hear her drop the F bomb. But yes, she is right about that. The house falls silent. I’m in shock, unsure of what to do next. I look at the floor and count the tiles in the hallway that start from the front door to the living room. Carter takes my clammy hand in his, entwining our fingers together. Nick glances at our joined hands and makes a displeased face.

  “I’m confused, how are you two cousins Nick? You never told me about him. And why are you so hateful towards him?” Nick glares at me but it’s meant more for his cousin.

  “It’s a long story. I don’t feel like getting into it right now. But you and I need to talk.”

  “No, I told you I’m done talking. Now tell me, when was the last time you two spoke to each other?” I ask no one in particular, hoping someone will give me an answer.

  “I was sixteen and he was fourteen.” Carter responds. That explains a lot. Nick and I started dating about that time.

  “Well, I’d love to know all the juicy stuff myself but for now, Nick I need to talk to you alone.” Both guys are staring at each other, intense and Nick makes no attempt in moving. “Nick! Now!” Grammy shouts and he looks away from Carter, studying her briefly with an irritable expression. I hold the sides of my head, wishing the pain would dissipate. Grammy takes Nick by the shoulders as she says, “I’ll get to the bottom of this one way or another.”

  Carter’s eyes follow Nick’s retreating back and I notice his hands clenching into fists. I’ve never seen him this angry. But then again, I haven’t the slightest idea what their story is. “So you’re the reason Gracie was in the hospital or part of the reason anyway. You left her.” Nick’s jaw muscle tenses and he stops, turns to face us and it happens so fast, I had no time to prepare or get in the way before Nick’s fist connected with Carter’s nose. He knocks him down to the ground. My grandmother leaps on him, pulling him off Carter before he throws more punches. “Go to hell Carter.” Grammy has her hands on his chest, keeping him away.

  The scene is that of a freaking fighting movie and time tends to stand still as my heart is pounding in my chest so hard, I’m afraid it will explode any second.

  I’m at Carter’s side checking his bloody nose, wiping it with my hands. “Oh my God, are you okay?” I ask frantic. He takes my hand away and nods. I get up and get in Nick’s face, spitting as the words come out of my mouth in fury. “I don’t know what the hell is going on here but right now, I don’t want to see you. I need you to leave.” I need air, I have to get outside. I can almost feel my lungs wanting to collapse in my throat. Mason and my parents help clean Carter’s nose with a washcloth and wipe the blood off the smooth tiled floor.

  “I’m going for a walk. I need some air.” I see Grammy ushering Nick into the living room. Then I turn around before leaving. “I want you gone before I get back Nick. When I’m ready to talk, we’ll talk. But right now I’m so angry I could slap you. Maybe even kick you in the balls for being disrupting our great holiday and acting like an ass hat. So instead, I’m going to walk away for a bit and cool down.” I look at my family apologetically. “I love you guys. But I just need a breather and to clear my head. I’ll be back.”

  Meg stops me at the door. “Hey do you want me to come with you?” She asks concerned. I lay my head on her shoulder for a minute, mostly to steady my stumbling body and shake my head. I give her a small smile to assure her I’m okay.

  “No, I’ll be fine. You stay here with Mason. I’m sure he’s a little freaked out with all this drama that only I could bring to this household. “

  She snorts, “Are you kidding? I’m sure he’s having a field day with this. You know he likes a little drama. Nothing ever happens at his house, which is why we come here.” She closes her mouth when she catches my annoyed expression, patting my back sympathetically. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t be making jokes right now. Are you sure you’ll be okay?” I drop my attitude and attempt a smile to show her I’m not mad at her.

  “I’ll be fine. When I get back we can talk if you’re still here. But if you want to go home, that’s fine too. I’ll call you tomorrow.” I hug her before slipping out the front door and onto the pavement, with no destination in mind.

  I keep a slow pace. The nip in the air whips through my thin sweater dress. I’m glad I had the common sense to wear leggings at least. A feeling of guilt seeps into my chest for leaving Carter with a possible broken nose. I should have checked on him before I left. I let out a breath and kick at the ground, sending rocks flying through the grass and into the street.

  “Nice kick. Did you play soccer?” I spin around and find Carter standing behind me with his hands in his jacket pocket, and a small bandage over his poor nose. He gets a smile out of me, despite what’s going on. One of the best things about Carter is the ability he has to make me smile even when I want to break down and cry. He eyes me wearily, standing close enough I can smell his cologne.

  “Yeah, I played for a little while. But it’s been years. How’s your nose?”

  “It will be fine. I don’t think it’s broken, just sore as hell.” He replies as he absentmindedly rubs it. He moves in closer, our gazes lock as I anticipate his next move. But all he does is wrap his arms around my waist, I lean into his chest. “I’m sorry about your nose. I don’t know what came over him. I don’t know what possessed him to do that.”

  “I do. But let’s not talk about that right now. Are you okay? I know you wanted to be alone, but I wanted to make sure you were okay.” I pull back, watching his face change and see the sincerity in his blue eyes.

  “No, I’m glad you did. I was kind of hoping you’d follow me. I’m so embarrassed.” I lean into him again, craving the taste of his lips on mine. As if sensing my desire, he bends down and brushes over my mouth ever so lightly. It’s enough to send my limbs in frenzy. When Carter tries to pull away, I grip the back of his neck with eager hands. The response is immediate as if he was waiting for permission. Our kiss is passionate, lingering for a few minutes. Carter pulls back and studies me, concerned. I suddenly realize when he wipes my eyes that I had been crying. He’s quiet but attentive. I wipe my tears hastily with the back of my hand, as we silently start walking.

  “So, crazy night huh? Just when I thought my life couldn’t get more chaotic, another bomb drops on my head.” Hysteria fills my voice. We’re hand in hand which is the only thing helping my nerves.

  “Uh yeah. If you mean my estr
anged cousin showing up unexpectedly after not seeing him for years who happens to be the father of my girlfriend’s baby, then yeah I’ll say it’s been one hell of a night.” Carter runs his free hand through his now messy hair, which looks hella sexy. I want to ask what happened between them but keep silent, knowing if and when he is ready; he’ll tell me on his own.

  As we’re walking, our hands swing back and forth. The grass crunches beneath our feet we’re trekking through as the park nears the corner.

  “It’s like déjà vu.” I glance at Carter questioningly. “Well, last time we came here there was some tension between us. Only now we have a whole new batch of shit to dig through.” He clarifies. I nod, confirming his assessment. I stalk towards the swing and Carter is leaning over me, smiling while both of his hands grip the chain. He gently pushes me but doesn’t let go.

  “I’m sorry for my attitude that night.” He stops pushing me; his stare is intense but filled with an emotion I can’t read. He tucks my hair behind my ear. I shiver and even though it has nothing to do with the chill in the open air, he takes off his jacket and wraps it around my shoulders.

  “Thank you.” I mumble.

  “I’m sorry I never told you he was my cousin. I wish I’d known.”

  I tilt my head in surprise. “You couldn’t have known Carter. I never told you his name. And it wouldn’t have made a difference anyway.” I start thinking about our confrontation; feeling conflicted, especially since he asked me to go to California with him. I wish I was a psychic. Knowing the future now would make this easier. “It’s not your fault. I just don’t know why he never mentioned you.” I slide off the swing and sit on the gravel, picking at the rocks and playing with them between my fingers distractedly.

  “He hates me.” Raising my eye brows, I ponder the idea of anyone hating Carter. He’s been nothing but kind and selfless with me.

  I hug my knees to my chest and rest my head, against them. Carter plops down beside me, stretching his legs out in front of him. It’s silent and dark with the exception of a glow from the street lights surrounding us. “Wanna talk about it?” I ask.

  “It was a long time ago. But it seems like he’s never gotten over it.”

  “He asked me to go to USC with him.” I blurt out before I can stop the words from popping out of my mouth. Tears prick the back of my eyes. Carter flinches like I slapped him. I want to slap myself. “I’m not sure why that just came out.”

  “I’m not sure how to respond. That was unexpected.” I lean against him for comfort.

  “Carter, I’m so sorry. I came here to get away from all that bull shit and now it’s consuming me. I mean he left me and now he waltzes in here asking me to take him back, like nothing ever happened. God damn, this is ridiculous. I’ve moved on and now my world is turned upside down.” Carter is quietly listening to me rant on and on about my ex, his cousin and I wish he would just shut me up and kiss me.

  “Do you still love him?” No, not this question, I think. The air escapes my lungs and I can’t breathe. I should have seen that coming. I look away from him, avoiding eye contact.

  “It’s complicated.” I reply to the ground, picking up a stick and twirling it between my fingers to create a diversion. It doesn’t work when his hand clamps down on mine. I chance a brief glimpse and see hurt in his eyes. We sit in silence, staring at each other as if our problems will magically disappear if we stare long enough. I wish they would. He moves to get up and I panic. I don’t want him to misunderstand me.

  “Wait, please. Sit.” I plead, grabbing his hand. He hesitates for a minute but then he sits across from me still holding my hand. “I’m sorry. When you asked if I still loved him, I didn’t answer the right way. I mean yes it’s complicated but the thing is, a part of me will always love him. He was my first and no one forgets their first love. But I’m not in love with him anymore. To be honest, I am not sure if I ever really was. He never made me feel the way you make me feel. I think it was more of a comfortable and convenient type of thing. I’m struggling with these choices I have to make and torn between doing the right thing and doing what I want to do. My mind is telling me two different things.” Truthfully, there’s a battle going on inside of my head and it’s difficult to say which is winning the battle. I hold my belly, soothing the baby. If it could feel my nerves, it’s probably frantic and trying to find comfort and feel safe. I’m really ready to know the sex, calling the baby an “it” is making me ill.

  Carter grabs my hand closest to him, rubbing my knuckles with his thumb. I close my eyes, allowing the sensation to erase all the pain and confusion. I open my eyes when he asks, “What does your heart say?”

  Chapter 30

  A tear falls out of my closed eye, rolling down my cheek. Carter reaches up and swipes it away with his finger.

  “Stay with me. Please, Carter.” I open my eyes and see his head down. I start to wonder if he’s crying, which would make me feel like a real asshole considering I put them there. When he looks up, I notice his cheeks moist. My heart sinks so low. I never wanted to hurt him, not for a minute. I’m just trying to figure out what’s right.

  But what is really the right choice here? I want to be with Carter in the world’s worst way. But what if there’s a chance to be a family with Nick? Do I still want that? I always wanted that, at least I used to. Inside I’m screaming because no matter what I do, someone ultimately ends up getting hurt. And even though Nick is a jerk, he was still a part of my life for some years. I can’t just forget it all. I turn to see Carter rocking back and forth with his eyes closed and tears are now visible. Dammit! I want to hug him and comfort him but something keeps me grounded in my place.

  “I miss him, every day.” He finally whispers. I pause, letting the words sink in. I move closer to him and hold his hand for support.

  “Who?” Maybe he will finally open up about what happened to his dad or what happened between him and Nick. I listen intently, trying to grasp his pain.

  “My dad.” I let out a silent breath, bracing myself. He needs me. He’s hurting and he needs my comfort, my love. Even though I don’t know what he’s going through, I try my hardest to at least lend him a shoulder to cry on.

  I squeeze his trembling hand and massage his knuckles soothingly. He looks in my eyes, the loss of his father weighing heavily on his shoulders.

  “What happened?” He clears his throat, wiping his tears away.

  “I’m sorry; it’s been awhile since I allowed myself to become vulnerable. I usually don’t cry in front of anyone. I’m so embarrassed.” He crosses his legs beneath him.

  “No, please don’t apologize. You can’t keep your feelings bottled up inside. You need to let it out. I don’t want to hear any bull shit about men not capable of emotion. They are, they just prefer to act tough. I want to know that you’re not made of stone, it means you’re human.”

  He snorts, leaning back on his hands. “I understand you feel that way. And yes, most men prefer to keep their emotions in check. Don’t ask me why, I guess we don’t want to appear weak. But then that’s a double standard because it’s like we’re calling women weak when they show emotion. Okay, some take it too far and use it to their advantage. But on the average, women are just as strong as men are in different ways.” He absently traces circles around the rocks with a stick. “I guess I should have seen it coming. Seeing Nick again brought back memories I’ve been trying to forget. The pain and regret I’ve lived with all these years was bound to crack me at some point.” I get up and dust myself off. Carter gazes up at me, hesitant.

  “Where are you going?”

  “Come here.” I reach for his hand and pull him to his feet, not letting go of his warm hand. Approaching the merry go ‘round, Carter spins me around to face him. He tucks a strand of hair behind my ear. I’ll never get used to his subtle caresses that make every inch of my body tingle. For a minute I think he’s going to kiss me and he leans in but at the last minute he pulls back and lets out a frustrated si
gh.

  “You know I love you right?” I nod, unsure where this conversation is headed but afraid to speak. “I don’t want you making any decision that you might regret. If you want to be with me, then I’ll be here just as I have been. But if there is even the slightest doubt in your mind, please don’t lead me on. Don’t choose me because I’m here only to leave me later. I’ve been through enough shit in my life and I can’t go through much more. I’m trying to be a better person. I want you to want to choose me. But I also understand you have history with Nick.” His face turns bitter at his cousin’s name and he looks away to try and hide it. But I catch sight of it anyway. “I want to make you happy and be the best man for you. But I can’t do that if you don’t want it.”

  “Carter, I do want you. I am only confused because on the one hand, Nick is the father and even though he left me, I have to let him be a part of it. But on the other hand, I know that is not right both because I don’t love him like that and it would only be living a lie. I just have a hard time hurting people I care about. But I promise you, I only want you. I would never hurt you or lead you on.”

  “I just don’t want this to be a rebound thing because my feelings for you are real, even more real than I ever thought.” That kind of stung. I look at him in disbelief.

  “You think my feelings were not real? Like what my mother said, you think the same thing? Really? That hurts Carter. It may seem like you were a “rebound” but for God’s sake, I never wanted to be involved with anyone in the first place. I didn’t want this complication added to the pile of shit I already have.” My voice raises an octave higher than intended but a part of me is annoyed and hurt. I can’t really blame him so much as blame my mother for putting those thoughts in his head.

  “So don’t then. I’ll leave. I don’t want to burden you. I know I shouldn’t have just jumped right in and swept you up like some knight in shining armor they only talk about in my sister’s books, because those aren’t real. The real world is not that easy. We get hurt, we make mistakes and we move on. We live and we die, but we only have one life to live Gracie. One. So screw what I just said, I want you and I’m not going anywhere. My cousin had his chance and he left. I’m not leaving.”