Choices

by Annie Brewer

  I stood there not able to think, not sure how to respond. But I knew he was right. We only live once and we only get one chance to make the best of it. I look into his eyes and see the passion that mirrors my whole body. I know he’s nothing like Nick but that’s what scares me. I’ve loved before but now I have the complication of a baby. Could this really work? “I’m scared Carter. I have so much going on in my head and I am so scared of failing. Of not being good enough for you. I am going to be a mother and that terrifies me to no end. But nothing scares me more than the feelings I have for you.”

  “I’m scared too. I was never one to have a serious girlfriend or fall in love. My past kept me from wanting to deal with all that extra stuff. I liked playing the field too much but once I got back on the straight and narrow, my attitude changed. I saw my niece and how much joy she brings to my sister and I realized, I want that too someday.” He took my hand and placed it over his heart with his. “But Gracie someday is here. Now. I’m not proposing to you or anything. I just want you to know, I’ve found the one for me…in you.” He kisses me briefly and pulls back to look at my tear stained face. I smile at him and in that moment, I know I’ve found the one for me too. I kiss him once more and then guide him to the merry go ‘round. We lay down across, side by side. Carter is on his back and I lie sideways, propped up on my elbows just inches from his body. I trace shapes over his stomach, causing his body to squirm. I smile to myself at the affect I have on him. He uses his arms as a pillow to rest his head against the hard surface of the ride. I get a good peek at his strong jaw line when I shift a little closer to his side and notice the way he flexes his muscles when he’s nervous or thinking intensely. I reach up and flip his hair to one side to catch a glimmer of blue in startling, mysterious eyes.

  “I was sixteen when my father died of cancer, fifteen when we first got news of the illness. Things were pretty tense at my house. My sisters put on a calm, brave face but I knew they were struggling. Me, on the other hand, I was a coward. I became destructive, inconsolable.” Listening to him talk about his painful past is difficult. I’ve never lost anyone so I can’t imagine the sorrow and devastation his family faced. More importantly I have no idea what to say. There is nothing I can say that will make it better or bring his father back. Do I just sit here and continue to listen? Do I hold him or give him space until he finishes? I lightly run my finger over his arm, urging him to continue.

  “After he died, I lost all sense of purpose. I just…lost it. Nick was fourteen at the time. We were relatively close back then. We were hanging out after the funeral, it was late and I wanted to forget about it. Forget about my pain, my anguish, my guilt on how I didn’t want to be there for my family during this time. Most of all, I just wanted to forget everything and everyone. I took Nick out for a drive in my dad’s car and I got drunk, too drunk to drive. I told Nick to drive, he hesitated but I demanded angrily so he obliged. He had no idea what he was doing and lost control of the wheel and drove us into a tree. He got hurt, but not too bad and I got scrapes.” I sucked in a shocked breath at his confession. As he stopped talking, he glanced at me and saw the shock on my face. I closed my mouth but it opened again on its own accord. I looked away briefly. I guess I understood now why there was so much dissention between them. But enough time has passed that they could have mended this, right?

  “I know what you’re thinking. See, I wasn’t always a good person.” I feel an ache in my chest. I never thought of him as a bad person. He made a mistake while dealing with his grief. He’d just lost his father. What would I have done if I had lost mine? I couldn’t fathom it. I don’t know what I would have done. If you don’t experience things, you’ll never really know what you’d do in that situation. Not to mention, at sixteen a boy needs his father. It’s a crucial and scary time in a teenager’s life whether they’ll admit it or not.

  “No, I wasn’t going to say you were a bad person. You didn’t know how to handle such a tragedy at that age. But I’ll say I understand now why you and Nick don’t get along and maybe why I never knew about you all this time.” He looks at me through his long dark lashes.

  “Would it have made a difference?” I think about his question for a minute, unsure how to answer because I don’t know.

  “Actually don’t answer that. I wasn’t a good person. I’m not proud of who I was. I’m glad we didn’t meet then.” I lay my head on his chest, content with the sound of his heartbeat and the soothing of his shallow breathing as it moves up and down.

  Carter places my hand in his, lacing our fingers together. His long legs hang off the side of the merry go ‘round. The night sky above us, only a few stars showing themselves. “So what happened?”

  “My mother felt I was uncontrollable. I made her life difficult. She moved to your school as the principle from her previous one and sent me away to boarding school. I didn’t blame her. I hit rock bottom, drinking a lot and causing chaos. I’m lucky I didn’t end up dead or hurting someone.” He takes a deep breath in between, trying to calm his nerves. “Anyway, when she couldn’t handle me anymore she sent me to boarding school. It was the best thing that could have happened. I straightened my shit up. They were tough and didn’t take shit from me. So once I got done, I worked and started college. Right now, I take classes at night and only one at a time. But I plan to really finish.” My right leg rests between both of his but it’s a cautious movement when I bend it momentarily, afraid of kneeing him in the groin. He kisses the top of my head then sighs.

  “I’m sorry you went through all of that. I can’t imagine the pain you suffered.” I lift my head and meet his sad, pained eyes. He gives me a small smile. I wish I could take his pain away because I feel it when I look into his blues and there shouldn’t be any sadness in them. I lie back down, holding him tight wondering what his dad was like.

  “It’s okay Gracie. It was long ago.”

  “I wish I could have met him.”

  “He’d love you. I know he would. He always wanted me to be happy in life. You make me happy; he’d love you for it.” I smile at the thought. I think about Nick’s family and how hateful they always were to me. I always felt like an outsider around them. His older brother would throw dagger looks at me. What must they think of me now? Or do they even know about my pregnancy. I shake all thoughts of Nick from my head.

  “I want you to meet my family.” I flinch and for a moment confused.

  “I’ve met your mother before, you know. She is my principle now.” He shakes his head.

  “No, I mean I want you to meet her as my girlfriend, not another one of her students she forgets about at the end of the year.” A nervous flutter settles in my stomach. “Nick’s family hates me. At least they always acted like they did. They always thought I was getting in his way of playing football. But I was always supportive of it.” I heave my body up to get a glance at Carter. He’s got his eyes closed, his arms tucked behind his head. I can imagine how uncomfortable that must be against his fingers but he doesn’t seem fazed. When he senses me watching him, he opens one eye and smiles. I lie back down, one arm over his stomach.

  “My aunt and mother had a falling out. Something bad happened between them and our families have never been the same. It’s not just you, they all treat my family the same. Still, they shouldn’t take it out on you. It’s a shame they can’t get over their bull shit long enough to be a family though. I’m sorry you’re being treated like that.” That is a shame. They are family-blood. What could have happened to make them behave this way? I don’t ask the question but it sits there at the forefront of my mind.

  “Can I ask you something?” I pick at my nails distractedly to avoid his expression when I ask my stupid question.

  “Gracie, you can always ask me anything and I’ll always answer honestly.” He takes my hand, crooking his pointer finger under my chin to lift my head up so I’m looking at him. I gather my wits to be brave and just ask him what I need to know.

  “You say you could s
ee a future with me, right?” My face turns red because I can feel the heat rise from my neck to my cheeks. He nods and I press on. “Well, how is it going to work, with us? I mean with me having a baby that is not yours.” I sound like a total dumbass because I know plenty of people who have kids with different mothers and fathers and they work out just fine, it’s almost natural. “Wait nevermind. Stupid question. Forget I said anything.” I put my head back down and hear him sigh.

  “Gracie, I don’t know all the answers and though the future is always uncertain I know I want you in it. We can figure out the rest together.” That makes me smile and I almost shut my mouth to enjoy the moment, but my ego gets the best of me.

  “Why me?”

  “What?” He’s caught off guard and I repeat my question. God, can’t I just leave it alone? I have to have an explanation for everything. I bite my lip, hard drawing blood.

  “Why me? What’s so special about me?” I sit up and lean back against the bar placing my hands in my lap.

  “You’re different than the girls I dated before. Of course then I had no heart really. Well, I did, but it was cold and black. And I didn’t care about them. Just needed to stop the pain and they were there giving me an out so I took it. But with you, I wanted to get to know you better. I wanted to be your friend. But more importantly, I wanted to be someone you could always count on to be there no matter the circumstance, what you were going through. I wanted to be your hero.” His blue eyes are warm and expressive. He sits up, pulling his legs straight out in front of him. My hear starts to pound like a drum as he scoots closer to me.

  “Remember the last time we came here? Or perhaps, it was our first time here. Anyway, we sat in this same spot.” He points down to the merry go ‘round. We’re so close now I can taste his lips. “If you want to know the truth, that night is when I realized I was falling for you. I didn’t just want to be your friend or someone you worked with. I wanted to be the one to take away the pain you were suffering that night. I wanted to punch the person responsible for making you cry the first time I saw you in the hall at school. I wanted to take your pain and carry the weight on my own shoulders. I’ve had enough pain that more wouldn’t really make a difference.” A tear slips out of my eye at his heartfelt words. I lean up on my knees and softly run my thumb over his cheek, memorizing every angle of his face. Then I stare at his lips, very delectable and wanting. I look up as we meet each other’s gaze again. He wraps his arm around my waist. I lean in and press my lips against his. I glide my fingers through his hair as the kiss intensifies, enjoying the silky muss on my fingertips. I pull back, watching his closed eyes flutter beneath the lids. His dark lashes are long and perfect over his skin.

  “I love you Carter.” I tell him, quietly.

  “I love you Gracie, more than you know.” I push him onto his back, hovering above him. He smiles up at me, amused by the attack. Damn these raging hormones. I’m not used to being so presumptuous. “You like it on top, huh?”

  “Shut up.” I lean back, putting distance between us. I’m not sure how it works being pregnant and being intimate. Isn’t it kind of awkward? How would he like it? Would he care? Does it gross him out? I have a million questions flying through my head and it makes the moment die. Carter notices my distress. He grabs my hand, massaging my fingers. God, those hands. I want those hands on me.

  “Hey what’s wrong?”

  “Nothing.” Is all I can say because I’m a coward. I try to mask my discomfort but I fail.

  “If you don’t want to do anything, we can just lie here together. I am completely content with that. Just laying here with you, as long as you lie here with me.” I am reminded of a one of my favorite songs from Snow Patrol-Chasing Cars.

  “If I lay here, would you lie with me and just forget the world?” He smiles as he sits us and I do the same. We face each other, staring into one another’s eyes.

  “If I lay here, if I just lay here. Would you lie with me and just forget the world?” He sings quietly but it’s enough to keep me still, entranced. I didn’t expect him to actually sing to me, let alone know the song I just recited. A tear falls from my eye and rolls down my cheek. He brushes it away with his soft lips.

  “I wasn’t sure if you knew that song.” I say, smiling.

  “I love that song. The video is really cool too. Hope that doesn’t make sound like a girl.” He lightly strokes my cheek, kissing from my jawline to my ear. My eyes close own their own accord. He moves to my neck, trailing a path of the lightest of kisses and a groan escapes my throat.

  “I love your voice.” I tell him, my eyes still closed.

  “Thank you. I’ve never sang for anyone else, not intimately at least.” I sneak a peek at him through one eye open.

  “No one?”

  “No one.” I smile feeling a shiver run through my body that has nothing to do with the chilly weather.

  He leans into me, kissing me passionately. I wrap my arms around his neck. Our bodies crush together, as much as the baby will allow. Seriously, I can’t believe he’s okay with this. I think I would freak out if I were him. His fingertips stroke my back up and down. He gently slides my body underneath his, laying me down on my backside. Above me, he senses my nervousness and smiles widely. I melt at the fervor of his lit up face. While kissing my mouth, his eyes are open gauging my reaction. I hear his ragged breaths as they match my own. He’s waiting for permission to move forward.

  “Are you sure? Say the words and we’ll stop.” But this time I don’t want him to.

  “No, don’t.” And I pull him down on top of me.

  Chapter 31

  Still soaring high on cloud Carter, I pick out clothes to wear. He’s taking me to meet his family, which I’m a little nervous about but I know he won’t stop asking until I give in. It’s been a week since that night in the park and he’s been good about not bothering me about it but I know it’s there, waiting to slip out every time we talk. So I figure what the hell can it hurt? I doubt his mom is as mean as Nick’s. I smile to myself remembering our night of passion and desire. Touching my lips, a flash of memory of his lips on my skin fills my vision. I lightly trace my body that still tingles from his touch. It was the best night of my life. We didn’t have sex, we shared the passion and love we have for one another. It was deeper than sex. I may only be seventeen and a bit hormonal but what I feel is something no one can touch. No one can take it from me or tell me it was nothing but a memory. He was kind, gentle and attentive and he never pushed, holding back and only waiting for permission. His hands were eager of course, but they were also patient and warm. When our moment was over, we held each other and talked, under the night sky until dawn arrived. I didn’t want to leave the safety of his arms.

  “Gracie?” My mother comes into my bedroom. She peeks in the door before stepping in. “What are you doing?” I look away blushing, wondering how stupid I must have looked in my moment of reminiscing.

  “Nothing. Actually, I’m looking for clothes to wear. Carter is picking me up to meet his family.” I sift through my closet, settling on some black pregnancy pants and a red sweater. This will have to do. I’m just glad I finally bought some new clothes; mine were starting to get too tight in all the wrong places. I think pregnancy clothes are made more for comfort than look. I mean, some are nice and maybe flattering but the stuff I got do not make me feel sexy. I hope it changes soon or I’m going to have a rough few more months.

  “You know I’m really happy for you Gracie.” I take the sweater off the hanger and lay it on my bed. I look at her and smile.

  “Thanks mom.” She pats the space beside her and I sit down.

  “No I mean it.” She takes my hand in hers, lightly rubbing my fingers with her thumb. “Over the last few months I’ve watched you blossom into a strong and brave woman. You were so scared and moody in the beginning, though you had a legit reason to be. But now you seem more happy and fearless.” She tucks some strands of hair behind my ear. “You’re going to make
an amazing mother. This baby will be so lucky and feel so loved.” Her finger caresses my cheek affectionately. I hold in tears that are threatening to escape my eyes. I need to be strong. I can do this.

  “It’s because I have the best support and love from people who never gave up on me. I wouldn’t be able to do this without any of you.”

  “Carter had the biggest hand in this. He truly is a great guy. And I’m so sorry I ever doubted him. I just can’t believe they’re cousins, him and Nick. You think you know someone for so long but then find out you never really knew them.” I hadn’t thought about Nick or seen him for a week. And to be honest, I haven’t thought about that fact for a few days. It’s still really surreal to me. But I know I will need to see him soon, especially since he wants to come with me to my appointment this month. Will it be Hunter or Kylie? I really don’t care, as long as they are healthy and happy.

  “There’s a lot of dissention between the families. Something happened to both of their mothers that caused the feud.”

  “Well, I hope Carter’s family treat you better than his ever did.” She pats my back before retreating to the door, just as the doorbell rings.

  “They will mom, I know they will.” I tell her before she leaves. At least I hope they will. “Oh shit, he’s here.” I yell. I need to get dressed.

  “Okay, I’ll let him in.” She calls to me as she heads downstairs.

  After I slip on my sweater and pants, I pick out some boots. Looking in the mirror next to my dresser, I study my reflection and how much my body has changed. I smile, rubbing my belly. Remembering Carter is here; I flip my hair in a messy bun and apply some makeup, not too much, just enough to hide my tired eyes.