In the End (Lifetime #3)

by Ariadne Wayne

  Sam let out a long breath. “They are.”

  “It’s good you’re on such good terms with Ella. I guess it wasn’t always like that.”

  He shook his head. “I screwed up so badly, and then I was a complete dick. Matt’s such a good guy, and he was in love with her. Right from the start.”

  “He was?”

  “They always had this connection. I pretended it wasn’t there, and we were happy so I didn’t worry about it. In the end, it all worked out, and I know I’ll never have to worry about her or Finn. Matt will always be there for them.”

  “So, why did you and Ella break up?” I ran my finger down his chest. To think a short time ago being this intimate with someone terrified me. Sam just made it effortless.

  At his silence, I raised my head to look at him. His gaze was fixed on me, his expression completely blank. For someone who was usually so easy to read, right now it was impossible.

  “Things weren’t right between us for a long time.” He spoke slowly, as if avoiding getting to the point. This was what scared me, and for a moment I considered telling him it didn’t matter. But from the way he acted, it did.

  “In what way?”

  His Adam’s apple bobbed as he swallowed hard. “We tried for more than a year to have a baby and nothing was happening. Ella was desperate. The woman I fell in love with that was so full of energy and life would sit and cry for hours at a time.”

  “I had no idea. So, Finn …?”

  “Finn was conceived at the end of our relationship. She never told me she was pregnant. By the time I took a step back and added everything up, she had moved on with Matt. Not that she would ever have wanted me again. Not after …” He licked his lips. There was something he didn’t want to tell me. I know that look. Sam had something he’d been holding back.

  “After what?” My heart thumped and I wanted to know the answer just as much as I didn’t want to know.

  “I slept with someone else.”

  My vision blurred as I blinked, my mouth losing all hydration. It was one of the few things I said I’d never tolerate again, and I’d thought Sam was better than that. Disappointment racked me, and I pulled away to the far side of the bed. He’d let me get this close, knowing how I felt.

  “Tash.”

  “No. You don’t get to do this to me.”

  He rolled over, reaching for my arm, but I yanked it away. Precariously close to the edge of the bed, I didn’t care if I fell. I’d fallen for him and look where it had got me—in bed with another cheater.

  “I’ll never do it to you. I promise.”

  “Didn’t you promise her that?” My throat tightened, and the tears flowed as we just looked at each other. How could you love and hate someone at the same time? Yet, that was where my head was at.

  “I made the biggest mistake of my life. I’d hit rock-bottom where Ella was concerned. I couldn’t deal with wanting to make love to my wife and feeling like I was just some object she was using to impregnate her. I couldn’t come home again and see her eyes swollen and red from crying.” He sighed. “None of that is an excuse. I fucked up and I own it. I’m not proud of it and I’d never put anyone through that again.”

  “You lied to me.”

  “I didn’t lie, but I didn’t tell you. Telling you scared the hell out of me because even in the early days I knew I didn’t want it to come between us. I wanted to prove myself to you. If you’ll let me, I’ll keep on proving how I feel to you.” He reached to wipe my tears, but I pushed his hand away and swept my palm over my cheeks to pick them up myself.

  “I fell in love with the decent, honest man I thought I’d met. Of everything, Sam, you knew how I felt about this.”

  “I know.” The sorrow was clear in his tone. “I just didn’t know how to tell you.”

  “Telling me before I fell in love would have been your best option.”

  Sam sighed. “I’m sorry. I fell so fast. There’s such a spark between us, and I don’t want to lose that. If I’d told you early on, would you still be here?”

  My head spun. I didn’t even know the answer to that question. Dean might have hurt me physically, enough to put me in the hospital, but the cheating was what really broke my heart—the knowledge that he’d had multiple partners without any thought to his wife at home. I couldn’t go through that again.

  “I need to think.”

  His eyes were so full of pain, but I couldn’t just back down. Of all the things he could have confessed, why did it have to be that? Why did I have to be the one to ask him? Why couldn’t he have been upfront and honest?

  “Natasha, please.”

  “Just go to sleep, Sam. It’s been a long day and I’m tired.” I shifted until I had my back to him. I didn’t want to look into his eyes as fear gripped me. I couldn’t pretend like nothing had happened. A burning in my stomach that I hadn’t felt in more than two years flared up, and when I closed my eyes, all I saw was Sam with other women. The blatant lying, the putting me at risk, the not caring. That was what had hurt the most.

  Maybe I should have been able to separate the two of them, but in that moment there was nothing I could do to stop the men I’d loved blending in my mind.

  Sam placed his palm on my back, and in some bizarre way it gave me the reassurance to close my eyes and go to sleep. How the hell was I supposed to feel? Was this the end for us?

  How would I deal with Paige?

  IN THE MORNING, Sam was out of bed by the time I woke. I quickly dressed and made my way out of the bedroom. He sat on the couch, sipping a cup of coffee. My head ached like I’d been hit by a bus. At least his expression told me he was as miserable as I felt.

  “Good morning.” His tone was sombre. At least he wasn’t pretending nothing was wrong. “Want a coffee?”

  “I’ll get one in a minute.”

  He licked his lips. “We really need to talk.”

  “I need some time to get my head around this.”

  “I want the chance to explain.”

  Tears welled in my eyes as I looked at him. “You told me what happened; I need to process it.”

  “As long as you know I didn’t set out to cheat on Ella. It was so hard, and I drank too much and had a sympathetic ear. Afterward, I felt disgusted with myself, and I tried to forget it …”

  “So you weren’t even honest with her.”

  He shook his head. “To my eternal regret, no.”

  “This is just too much to deal with. I want to get Paige and go home.” I turned back to the bedroom, and threw my things in my bag. Forget the coffee—what I wanted was to get out of this place and have the freedom to think. Being around Sam wouldn’t help when all I wanted was to be in his arms, being comforted by the man I now wasn’t sure about.

  “I’m sorry.” He stood in the doorway, and when I saw his face, I knew he was being honest with me. At least, I thought he was, but my head was swimming.

  “I know you are.”

  “Before we pick up Paige, can we at least talk?”

  “This is talking.” I zipped up my bag and turned to face him. “We’re going back to Auckland, and I want some time alone. I need some space, Sam. This is such a huge thing for me.”

  He nodded. “I know.”

  “Do you? Did Ella have to have tests just in case you gave her something? Did she have to go through the humiliation of telling a doctor that she might have been exposed to any number of STIs? I did.” I jabbed my index finger to my chest. “When people cheat, it’s their partners who have to clean up after them, who have all this shit to worry about in the aftermath.”

  Sam licked his lips. “I’m not Dean.”

  “I know you’re not, but it doesn’t make any difference. Just give me some space.” Picking up my bag, I walked through the door. He stepped aside as I passed, not saying anything more as I dropped my bag at the entrance to the room. “Now, can we please go and get my daughter?”

  Sam took a step toward me, and nodded. “Of course we can.”
/>
  “Then let’s get going.”

  THE CAR JOURNEY was short and quiet. Some part of me wished I’d never asked the question about how he and Ella ended in the first place. Maybe ignorance really was bliss.

  I didn’t think so.

  All I wanted now was my baby in my arms and the comfort of my little flat. Maybe Sam’s house had been a pipe dream. I couldn’t even think about living there. I was shattered.

  “Mummy.” Paige ran for me as soon as I got out of the car, throwing herself into my arms. “Mummy, it was so much fun. I stayed in Georgia’s room and she’s got so many toys, and Auntie Ella made us bacon and eggs for breakfast, and …” She didn’t stop. It was the happiest I’d heard her in a very long time.

  “Auntie Ella?” Sam grinned, and my stomach flipped at the sight of his smile. Here was I, turning my back on him while I worked out what the hell to do in my head. His mere presence disturbed me. I loved him, but right now I didn’t particularly like him.

  “Finn told me I could call her that. Is that okay, Mummy?”

  I hugged her tight and kissed her cheek. “If Ella’s okay with it.”

  “It’s fine, as long as you’re okay with it.” Ella wasn’t far behind Paige, with a wide smile on her face. How much had she hurt when Sam cheated on her? That was all I could focus on as she approached.

  “I guess we’re all okay with it, then.” I kissed the top of Paige’s head and she took off, running back inside.

  “Did you have a good night?” Ella grasped my arm. “Do you two want some breakfast?”

  “If you’re cooking eggs and bacon …”

  “We’re fine. We should probably hit the road …”

  Sam and I spoke at the same time, and I shifted my gaze to the ground.

  Ella’s grip tightened. “Sam, go inside and take a seat. We’ll be there in a minute. I can at least make you coffee before you go.”

  He hesitated, and I looked up to see him gazing at me. I nodded, and he walked toward the house.

  “Are you alright?” Ella asked.

  “Am I that obvious?” Tears welled as I avoided meeting her eyes.

  “I know Sam, and his body language speaks volumes,” she said.

  Sam had told me Ella was a bit of a mother hen, and the kindness in her voice just made everything harder.

  “He didn’t tell me until last night why you and he broke up. My ex-husband cheated on me. Multiple times.” My voice cracked, and I felt stupid standing in the middle of her yard as hot tears spilled down my cheeks.

  “Oh, Natasha,” she said. Sliding her hand down my arm, she took my hand. “For what it’s worth, Sam’s a very different man now to the one I married. He loves you—he really does. It’s written all over his face.”

  “I know.” I let out a sigh. “I’m just so confused.”

  She nodded. “I bet you are. Come inside and I’ll make you some breakfast. Sam’s an idiot sometimes, but I think his heart’s in the right place. I bet his dick is too.”

  My jaw dropped, and she laughed.

  “There are no excuses for what he did to me, but the whole situation was a mess. I do know for a fact that you’re the first woman in his life for a long time, and he adores you and Paige. Every time he’s come to see Finn since he started seeing you, you two are all he talks about.”

  My lips twitched. I wanted to smile, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it. “Thanks, Ella. I’m just so pissed off.”

  She shrugged. “You’re allowed to be. I’m not saying you should just let him off the hook, but don’t let him go unless you’re really sure you can’t work it through.”

  “I just need time.”

  Ella nodded. “I understand that. And space I bet. Let’s go get a coffee at least. Are you sure you’re not hungry?”

  I laughed. “I’m famished.”

  “Lucky I have lots of food inside. I’ll give you some wedding cake to take home too if you like, for Paige’s school lunch. There’s a ton of it left. Vanessa went a bit overboard.”

  “Paige would love that.”

  “Good.”

  I followed her into the house. Sam sat at the dining table with Matt. It was obvious they’d been talking from the hang-dog look in his eyes.

  Matt smiled. “Hey, Natasha. Thanks for letting Paige stay; the kids had an absolute ball.”

  “I can tell. She was very excited.”

  He nodded. “Georgia’s already asking when her new best friend can stay again.”

  That hit me square in the heart. If I couldn’t work through this, Georgia might not see Paige again. It wasn’t like it would be easy for me to bring her up here myself without a car. Not to mention how awkward it would be.

  “I’m glad they had fun.” I walked around Matt and sat at the other end of the dining table. His gaze followed me, and he nodded slightly as I sat down as if acknowledging my discomfort.

  “The pan’s still warm, so eggs and bacon won’t take long,” Ella said.

  Matt stood. “I’ll make the coffee.”

  He walked into the kitchen, positioning himself behind Ella and placing his hands on her hips. They were just so comfortable with each other, and in front of Sam. As if he hadn’t hurt them the way he must have.

  It didn’t help my confusion.

  WHEN BREAKFAST WAS OVER, Matt had insisted on clearing the dishes while Ella, Sam and I sat in the living room. When he took Sam outside for a walk, I felt like I could finally breathe.

  “That bad?” Ella asked.

  “How can you tell?”

  “You just let out a big breath, and you look like the weight that’s been on your shoulders has lifted a little.”

  I nodded. “I don’t know what to do. It feels so right to be around him, but also wrong.”

  “Must be weird to be confiding in his ex-wife too.” Her lips curled into a smile.

  “A little.”

  “It’s okay. It’s not like there’s a surplus of people you know here. I’m sure you’ll feel better when you get back home.”

  I licked my lips. “Can I ask you something?”

  Ella nodded.

  “What happened?”

  She sighed. “He slept with an adult student. We were both struggling, trying to get pregnant, and she appeared magically one day for him to pour his heart out to. He was drunk. A few weeks later she told him she was pregnant so he left.”

  “She wasn’t pregnant?”

  Ella shook her head, clearly flustered. “She was, but it wasn’t his baby. By then he’d burned all his bridges with Matt and I, and he was just so awful I couldn’t tell him I was pregnant. I decided to go it alone, although that didn’t last long because I had Matt.”

  I frowned. “He was awful to you?”

  Her head was bowed, as if she didn’t want to look me in the eye. “I don’t even know how to say this; it’s still confusing, but I think when Petra told him she was pregnant, he felt like a man again and he rubbed it in. I was suffering because month after month I wasn’t pregnant, and he suffered because he was such a man’s man and felt like he was failing too.” She raised her head. “Things weren’t right between us for a while, but neither one of us was going to admit it. Maybe if we had taken a step back we might have stopped things from going as far as they did.”

  She gave me a small smile. “From what I can see, you get the new and improved version of Sam. He takes care of you in a way he never did me. The man you love is a lot more mature than the one I married.”

  I buried my face in my hands. Her words helped, but they didn’t. She’d just told me he’d not only cheated, but been unpleasant about it, but at the same time seemed to be encouraging me to stay with him. “I just don’t know what to do.”

  “These past weeks he’s been coming to see Finn—I mean it when I say he talked about you a lot. Every conversation there’s something about you or Paige. I’ve never seen him like this in all the time I’ve known him.” She paused. “But you have to do what you have to do, and if you ne
ed time out to process this, he needs to respect that.”

  I nodded. “I know you’re right.”

  Ella bit down on her bottom lip. “When it happened, I was so angry I burned our bedsheets in the back yard. I didn’t want a reminder of him, and I didn’t want my bed to smell of him. And then I took time out. Matt wanted to be with me, and I knew if it was what he really wanted, he’d wait.”

  “So you think I should take the time to think and not rush anything?”

  She shrugged. “Up to you. I think he’ll wait.”

  My stomach settled a little talking to her. She was incredibly calm about the whole thing— but then for her it was in the past and not fresh like it was for me. “There’s something else I want to tell you.”

  She licked her lips as if I was about to come out with something she didn’t want to hear. “What?”

  “Sam has a bedroom at his place. It’s decorated, ready for Finn.”

  Her mouth twitched. “What?”

  “It’s for when Finn’s ready to visit him. I know you’ve let Finn set the pace, but I wanted you to know that Sam’s ready when he is. I have to admit, it even brought tears to my eyes, it was so sweet.”

  She let out a loud breath. “For a minute I thought you were going to tell me Sam was planning to go for custody.”

  I placed my hand on hers. “Oh. No. I don’t think he’d ever do that. He knows that if he pushes too hard, Finn might never forgive him. It’s always Finn who comes first.”

  She nodded. “Thank you for letting me know. He’s a good dad.”

  “It must be hard.”

  Ella swallowed hard. “It is. There was a time when I loved Sam more than anything, and he crushed me when he did what he did. Things hadn’t been good between us, but there’s that trust, you know?”

  “I know it so well.”

  “Every time he comes here, he and Finn grow a little closer, and I love it because I see the change in Sam. At the same time, I hate it, because I know the day will come when Finn will want to spend time with his father. And that’s not a bad thing—it’s just me having to let go a little.” She smiled. “Hearing that he’s ready and waiting makes me feel like I’m not wrong about him. He’s grown up a lot, but Finn’s still my baby.”