Merle

by Catherine Lievens

  “That doesn’t mean I’m not able to make decisions, Mom, just that I make some you’re not all right with. And now you’re trying to convince Kameron to give you permission to take over my life and treat me like a kid.”

  “That’s because you need to be supported until you get better.”

  “I’m fine! Did you really expect me to get out of everything that happened to me like I was before Erskine sold me? You don’t see Elliott’s mom trying to take over his life, and he had it even worse.”

  Merle’s mom tsked. “He’s her son and she raises him how she wants. I want what’s best for you, and he’s not that.” She looked at Nootaw, the fear and disgust she felt more than obvious in her eyes.

  Merle looked at Nootaw, wondering how he was taking it, but he looked as impassive as he’d been when Merle had first entered the kitchen. Merle didn’t know how to take that. Did it mean Nootaw didn’t care about Merle’s mother’s words? Or that he didn’t care much for Merle and all the problems he was obviously bringing with him?

  “What do you want me to do exactly?” Kameron asked.

  “I want you to declare Merle unable to make decisions by himself and to let me take care of him. I want you to keep that—that man away from him, because mating with someone like that is the last thing Merle needs right now. He’s too fragile for that.”

  Kameron looked at Merle. “He looks fine to me. As fine as I’d expect him to be anyway. What do you think about this, Merle?”

  “I am fine. I’m not going to say I don’t have nightmares and stuff, but who wouldn’t after everything I’ve been through? It doesn’t mean I’m not able to decide things on my own. Mom means well, but she really doesn’t like the fact that Nootaw is my mate, so she’s trying to do what she can to make sure we don’t get together.”

  “Of course it’s normal for you to have nightmares, Merle, but it doesn’t mean you’re fine,” Merle’s mother insisted.

  Merle shook his head and kept his mouth closed. He knew there was no way he’d win this argument, so he looked expectantly at Kameron. Kameron sighed, and Merle hoped the situation wasn’t about to get even more fucked up.

  “I don’t think Merle is sick.” Merle’s mother opened her mouth to protest, but Kameron raised a hand to stop her. She closed her mouth and scowled, but Kameron ignored her. “Like I said, he looks fine to me, but I’ll admit I don’t spend time with him, so I can’t be sure.”

  Merle’s stomach suddenly felt like lead and he wrapped his arms around his waist. Was Kameron about to tell him he had to listen to his mother? It would be the easiest way for him to solve this, but it wouldn’t be the fairest. Kameron was fair, though, so Merle still had hope.

  “So this is what we’ll do.” Kameron looked at Merle, then at his mother, and Merle nodded at the don’t-try-to-fuck-with-me expression on the alpha’s face. “Merle will talk to Gentry, and Gentry will be the one to decide whether Merle is or not able to make decisions on his own.”

  Merle’s mother opened her mouth again, but a glare from Kameron was enough to stop her from saying anything. “As I was saying, Gentry is trained for these things, so he’ll know what Merle can or can’t do. In fact, I’m going to call him and see if he can see Merle right now, just so we don’t let the situation get worse by waiting. Is that all right with you, Merle?”

  Merle nodded. His mother didn’t look happy, but she knew better than to go against Kameron’s decision, especially when he was in alpha mode.

  “As for the mate thing,” Kameron continued, “I know you don’t like Nootaw, Johanna, but I don’t think you should have a say in his and Merle’s mating. They’re both adults, and once Gentry tells us if Merle is sane of mind, he’ll have the right to mate with Nootaw if that’s what they both want.”

  “But—” Merle’s mom started. Kameron arched a brow, and it was enough to shut her up—for now.

  “One more thing. If Gentry should decide that Merle cannot be on his own, Nootaw will be the one to make decisions for him, not you.”

  Merle pressed his lips together. Three, two, one.

  “You can’t be serious! Choosing to mate with him would already be a proof Merle can’t make decisions!” Merle’s mother cried out.

  Kameron shrugged. “You’re entitled to your opinion, but I have actually talked to Nootaw, and I know he’s a good man, no matter what he is or what he did in his past. And mates have always come before parents. We both know that.”

  “You can’t use traditions only when it helps you,” Merle’s mother protested.

  “I’ve never said all traditions were bad. I want my pack members to be free to be themselves, no matter who they want to be with, and no matter who might be against their decisions. And really, I think Merle is as sane of mind as you and me, so that won’t be a problem.”

  “You’ve clearly already decided how things are going to go,” Merle’s mother said. She crossed her arms on her chest in protest, but Merle couldn’t have cared less, and apparently neither could Kameron.

  “I won’t be the one to make that decision. Gentry will. It’s his job, and we’ll follow his instructions, since he actually knows what he’s doing.”

  Kameron looked at Zach, who took out his cell phone. He was fast in making the call and nodded at Kameron when he was done. “Gentry will be here in twenty minutes.”

  Kameron nodded once. “Good. Now, Johanna, would you like some coffee? Tea?”

  Merle’s mom looked like she wanted to strangle Kameron, but she reluctantly agreed. “Coffee, thank you.”

  Kameron got up. “Great. Nootaw, Merle, why don’t you go wait for Gentry in his office?”

  Merle’s mother protested, but Kameron just fixed her a cup of coffee and shooed Merle and Nootaw out. Merle didn’t waste time and walked out, Nootaw right behind him. The last words he heard before the kitchen door was closed behind them was his mother crying out, “But he might eat him!” and Zach answering, “That’s not always a bad thing, you know?”

  Merle laughed and headed down the hallway to Gentry’s office. He didn’t need to look to know Nootaw was following him, and he held the door open until Nootaw was inside. Merle closed it and went to sit on the couch. When Nootaw didn’t move, Merle patted the empty space next to him. “I won’t bite.”

  “But I might,” Nootaw answered. Merle could see he was very serious, so he obviously wasn’t talking about the kind of eating Zach had referred to.

  “Right. I know your past is... difficult, but I don’t know how exactly, so you’ll have to tell me. You can do it even sitting next to me, so there’s no need for you to stay on your feet.”

  Nootaw was thoughtful for a few minutes, then he took a step forward.

  * * * *

  Nootaw walked to the couch and sat next to Merle, close enough to be able to smell him, but not close enough that they actually touched. There was no sense in riling up the beast in him.

  He didn’t talk until Merle cleared his throat and looked at him. The last thing he wanted was to have to explain his past and what he’d done. Merle might not think being together with him was a good thing, but he still wanted to savor the feeling of having someone made just for him before he inevitably lost it.

  “I’m a wendigo,” Nootaw finally said when he knew he couldn’t wait anymore. Gentry was supposed to arrive soon, and who knew what would happen next?

  “I know that.”

  “Do you also know what wendigoes eat?”

  Merle cocked his head. “You mean you don’t eat food like other shifters?”

  “I didn’t, not before my brother convinced me there was more to the world than our small tribe. Haven’t you heard rumors about me? About why people think I’m a monster?”

  “I... yeah, I have. I thought they were bullshit.”

  Nootaw turned slightly to look at Merle. “They’re not. Well, some of them are, but others are very true.”

  Merle swallowed and looked over Nootaw’s s
houlder rather than at him. “So which ones are true?”

  “I think you might know that.”

  “Tell me it wasn’t kids,” Merle blurted out.

  “It wasn’t.” Merle looked relieved, and Nootaw didn’t understand it. “What does it change? It was still human beings.”

  Merle took his time to answer. He looked at his hands, flexing the fingers and running them on his pajama pants. “Was there another way? I mean, have you ever known a wendigo who’s different? Who didn’t eat... what you ate?”

  “Human beings,” Nootaw said. “Might as well say it as it is. I don’t know what we’ll decide, but you need to know what I am and take it into account.”

  Merle bounced his leg. “Right. Have you ever known wendigoes who didn’t eat people?”

  “I have.”

  Merle face fell. “Oh.”

  “My brother is the only wendigo I know who never touched human meat.”

  Merle’s face lightened a bit. “So there was only him? Your father, your mother, they all ate people?”

  Nootaw licked his lips. He suddenly felt thirsty and had to fight the need to get up and flee. “They did. My mother stopped after Chogan’s birth, because she was isolated by the tribe and she couldn’t hunt on her own.”

  “But apart from that, it’s all you’ve ever known, right? No one taught you differently.”

  Nootaw could see what Merle was doing. “No, no one taught me differently. That’s true. But no one taught my brother differently, either, yet he never caved in. Not knowing better doesn’t mean I’m not a monster, Merle. I ate human flesh—I hunted and killed human beings. That’s who I am, and I understand why your mother doesn’t want you to be with me. She’s scared for you.”

  Merle looked uncomfortable, but he wasn’t running away. It surprised Nootaw.

  “So it’s like me hunting and eating rabbits while I’m in my wolf form?”

  Nootaw shook his head. “But rabbits aren’t human beings. They don’t love, they don’t have families. They’re not people. You can’t think it’s the same.”

  Merle straightened. “It is, kind of. I’ve been taught I can hunt and eat rabbits because it’s in my nature, as a wolf. You’ve been taught you can hunt and eat humans because it’s in your wendigo nature.”

  “But it’s not. Chogan is as much a wendigo as me, yet he’s never hurt anyone.”

  Merle waved Nootaw’s words away. “It happens. You said your mother was isolated after she had him, right?” Nootaw nodded. “So if she couldn’t hunt, she had to survive on other things, and since he lived with her, he saw her do that rather than hunting. That’s where he learned there was another way. You’ve never been given a chance to be different until recently.”

  Merle leaned forward, so close it made Nootaw feel awkward. Nootaw leaned backward, but he couldn’t go far. His back hit the couch and he stayed still, thankful that Merle wasn’t trying to get any closer.

  “But now that you’ve had the opportunity to see there’s more to it, what do you think?” Merle asked. “Have you killed someone since the Whitedell pride got you out of your tribe? Have you eaten human flesh?”

  “No.”

  “Why? Is it because Dominic would have kicked your ass or because you found out there was another way?”

  “I... I did know there was another way, even before. I knew Chogan was different.”

  “I get that.”

  “I think you’re trying to find a way to make what I did acceptable so that you’ll be able to get over it.”

  Merle chuckled darkly. “Maybe you’re right. I don’t know. What I do know is that you’re the only mate I’m going to have, and I want to at least try before deciding it’s too much, or that you’re not the right man for me. Because that’s not the truth. If Fate put us together, then there has to be some good in you. There has to be a way for me to fall in love with you, and I’m going to try to find that way as hard as I can.”

  Love. Nootaw had longed for something like love ever since he’d seen the way Jared looked at Chogan. He’d never thought anyone could love a wendigo, but Jared clearly did, and Nootaw wanted that, too. He couldn’t deny that late at night, he sometimes thought he might be some shifter’s mate. He wanted it to be true, but he’d never really believed it would. And now, well, now he had Merle, and as much as he could see they didn’t really belong together, he wanted them to. He wanted to believe the Fate Merle talked about with such a reverent tone, like it was a person, knew what she or he was doing by sticking Nootaw with Merle.

  “So?” Merle insisted. “Why didn’t you go hunt and eat someone in the past year?”

  Nootaw tapped his finger on his thigh. “Because Chogan gave me another chance at life. I knew I’d throw that away if I did.”

  “Did you want to hunt? Did you feel the need to do it?”

  “No. I don’t... eating human flesh is much like the way you eat animals. You can stop eating beef any time you want and just eat something else. I just didn’t know it would be like that. I really thought the only thing I could eat was human flesh.”

  “Because that’s what you’d been told since you were a kid. But now that you know it’s not true, you don’t want to do it again, right?”

  There was so much hope in Merle’s eyes, so much need for Nootaw to say no, that Nootaw couldn’t say he did want it. And he didn’t. He’d had the time to think about it during the year he’d spent away from his tribe, and he knew he’d never hurt people again. Ever.

  So he shook his head, and Merle beamed at him. “See? I knew you weren’t a monster. You’ve just been taught something wrong, but now you know there’s another way, and you’re following that way.”

  “It doesn’t mean being with me will be easy,” Nootaw answered. “You might have been quick to forgive me my sins, but most people don’t think the same way you do. A lot of the pack members and the enforcers hate me, and that will reflect on you if you decide you really want me.”

  Merle shrugged. “I’ve learned that pack isn’t everything, not even for a wolf. I had to, after what some pack members did to me. I know most members won’t want to talk to me ever again after the news of us being mates becomes public, but I hope the few people I think of as friends will still support me. If they don’t, well, maybe it means they weren’t really friends in the first place, and in that case, I’m happy to let them go. I’ll make new ones.”

  “But—” Nootaw started, but Merle had clearly had enough of talking. He narrowed his eyes and moved forward. Nootaw supposed Merle had wanted to kiss him, but instead their noses bumped together, hard, and Merle yelped.

  He moved away and rubbed his nose, a bashful expression on his face. “That could have gone better.”

  “I agree.”

  “Wanna try again?”

  Nootaw was about to say yes when the door opened and Gentry came in. He looked at the two of them, sitting close on the couch, and smiled a bit. “I was told you were here,” he said.

  Merle rubbed the back of his neck. “Yeah. Kam told you what my mom’s trying to do?”

  Gentry nodded and came in. “Yes. I think we should do this as soon as possible, don’t you?”

  “Yeah.”

  “Right.” Gentry looked at Nootaw. “You can wait outside.”

  * * * *

  Merle crossed his arms on his chest and watched Nootaw smile at him as he left the room. Gentry couldn’t have come at a worst moment, and from the smiled playing on his lips, the bastard knew it.

  “Kameron told me your mother doesn’t think you’re able to make your own decisions,” Gentry said.

  Merle tried to relax. Gentry wasn’t the enemy. As sorry as Merle was to admit it, in this case, his mother was. “Yeah. She thinks what happened to me made me go crazy or something.”

  Gentry sat on the couch opposite the one Merle was sitting on and crossed his legs. He linked his fingers together and hooked his hands on his knee. “What mak
es her think that? Is there a specific reason?”

  “Aren’t you going to write it down or something?”

  “I’d do it only if you were one of my patients, but you’re not. No matter how many times I told you I’m there to help, might I add.”

  “I’m not crazy.”

  “Do you think Rick is? Or Elliott? How about Reed?”

  “No,” Merle admitted grudgingly.

  “So, why do you think your mother thinks you’re not able to make decisions?”

  Merle knew he wouldn’t get out of this. “I have nightmares.”

  “I think that’s normal in your case. I hadn’t expected you not to have them.”

  “Right. There’s also the fact that I put some distance between me and other stuff.”

  “Like?”

  “My friends mean well, but they’re a bit suffocating, and I have enough of that with Mom. I don’t need to be watched at all times. I’m not going to snap. I just need time to think over things and accept them.”

  “And they’re not giving you that time?”

  “No. Mom thinks I should try to forget everything and go back to the way I was before, like nothing happened. As much as I want that, it’s just not possible, but she refuses to admit it, and she doesn’t even act like nothing happened. She’s scared to let me out of her sight, like I’m going to pop out of existence or something, and while I get why she’s scared of that, it’s not helping.”

  The words were coming out of Merle’s mouth without any need to think about them. It felt good to be able to talk to someone finally, and he thought he really should’ve accepted Gentry proposal sooner.

  “She wants me to be her baby boy again, and she can’t admit I’m not. That’s why she wants to make all the decisions for me, you know? Because she thinks that way I won’t get hurt since she knows better, obviously, and because it means she gets to keep me close a while longer. And I get it, but the fact that I just found out Nootaw is my mate made things even worse, and I had to take a stand. She didn’t like it.”