“Cooking seems wifely to me,” he explained. “And cleaning and taking care of kids. All of the old-school stuff.”
She relaxed and reached for her fork. At least his opinion was generic, and not necessarily specific to her. Curious to know more, she asked, “So what makes a man seem husbandly, in your opinion?”
“I’m not sure. I had a poor role model in that regard. My dad was a bad partner to my mom.”
“I know about bad husbands, too.” That was something she couldn’t deny.
He swigged his water. “Has Vince ever been here?”
She wasn’t sure what he meant. “Been where?”
He gestured to their surroundings. “To this house. Did he ever come over after you were divorced?”
“No.” There was no reason for them to visit each other after it was over. “I haven’t seen him since I moved out of his loft.”
“That’s where he lives? In a loft?”
“Yes, in the Fashion District, where his studio is.”
“Is that where he shot your first portfolio pictures?”
“Yes.” It was the place where everything had happened, she thought. Where she’d lost her virginity, where he spent the night with other women during the times they’d broken up, where their baby was later conceived, where the miscarriage had occurred. “But there’s no point in us talking about him. Vince is no longer part of my life.”
Tanner gazed across the table at her, deeply, intensely, almost if he were trying to see into her soul. Then he said, “I owe you my life for what you’re doing for me.”
Her heart went shaky. She didn’t want him looking at her like that. “You don’t need to take your gratitude that far.”
“But I’d be falling apart if you weren’t here with me.”
“Comforting you with a warm meal?”
“It definitely helps. And for the record, I wasn’t trying to trivialize women being wives. It’s just that cooking and cleaning and taking care of kids is what I saw my mom do.”
She thought about the falling-out he’d had with his father. “Do you think your dad knows that Meagan is in prison?”
“I doubt it. None of us have spoken to him in years, and he hasn’t tried to contact any of us, either.”
After a moment of silence, she contemplated her own family dynamics. Then she said, “I wish my mom wasn’t so closemouthed about my father.”
He leaned forward in his seat. “What do you know about him?”
“Just that his name was Dan Sorensen, and he was an orphan who grew up in a group home in the Midwest. He came to California when he was in his twenties and made his living as a roofer.”
“How did he die?”
“It was a roofing accident, but I don’t know the details.” She gazed at her half-eaten food, immersed in thoughts of a dad she couldn’t remember. She looked up and asked, “How did your mom pass? You never said how it happened.”
“She had heart failure. But it had been broken long before that. First from losing Ella and then from my dad leaving her.” He stirred his applesauce, his spoon clanking against the bowl. “I don’t ever want to be responsible for breaking a woman’s heart. Making a commitment to someone else is too much pressure.”
“Is that why you ended it with me when we were kids?”
He nodded. “I just couldn’t handle getting so close, especially not at that age.”
“I understand that you were young and scared. But it was still a bleak decision for a seventeen-year-old boy to make.”
“My baby sister had just died, and my parents were gearing up for a divorce. Bleak was what I knew. But later, I got used to being a bachelor, without having to worry about any ties.”
“And now you’re going to be Ivy’s legal guardian, with me involved in her care.”
“My old girlfriend. The nanny who cooks and cleans and epitomizes my perception of a wife. God really did a number on me, didn’t he?”
She smiled, though it was twisted. “Your punishment for breaking up with the best girlfriend you ever had.”
“More like the only girlfriend I ever really had. The ones that came before you didn’t last beyond a few weeks. I spent six months with you. That was epic for me.”
“The entire duration of Ella’s young life.”
“I never really thought of it that way. But you’re right. That’s the time frame we were together. I started going out with you soon after she was born and ended it soon after she was gone.”
When the memory between them got too heavy, she said, “Maybe we should talk about something else.”
“Like what?”
“Ivy,” she said. The baby who had just been born. “Did the rocking chair and cradle arrive for her nursery?”
“They were delivered yesterday.”
She adjusted her napkin. “That was good timing.”
“No kidding. The daybed came, too. Is that where you’re going to sleep after we pick her up?”
“If I’m going to be getting up every few hours to feed her, I’d rather be in the same room with her, at least until I know her routine. But I’m fine with keeping my belongings in the guest room.”
“Until the guesthouse is remodeled and you move in there?”
She resumed eating. “Yes, until then.”
“I told my staff about Ivy. Not that she was born yet. I haven’t had time to do that. But last week I came clean about why I bought a house and what was going on.”
“Was it as difficult as you thought it would be?”
“Not really. Everyone was really nice about it. They wished me all kinds of luck. None of them know about Ella, though. They aren’t familiar with my past.” He frowned. “Sorry. I can’t seem to stop myself from mentioning her.”
Refusing to fault him, she softly said, “If it makes you feel better, you can say whatever you want about Ella.”
“Your compassion makes me feel better.”
“I’m glad it helps.” At least he was honest about his feelings. Candy was still keeping a painful secret from him. The loss of her child, she thought, the little one who’d fallen from her womb.
He said, “I don’t think I’ll be able to sleep tonight. I’ll probably stay up and start reading those baby books I bought.”
She’d studied child development during her pregnancy. She’d been so excited about having a baby that she’d absorbed everything there was to know. And now, as a nanny, she would be putting that knowledge to use, along with what she’d learned from being around Jude.
He spoke again. “I think we’ve got good start. Don’t you?”
Perplexed, she asked, “What do you mean?”
“With you and me.” He motioned back and forth, between them. “With this arrangement.”
She hesitated, thinking about the secret she was keeping. Then, forcing herself to act normal, she replied, “We’ve covered a lot of ground, particularly with how fast it unfolded.” But there was still more ground that hadn’t been covered.
The ache she couldn’t bear to reveal.
She glanced across the table at him. By now, both of them were finished eating. “I’m getting tired. I think I’m going to load the dishwasher and get ready for bed.”
“I can clean up. It’s the least I can do.”
“Thanks. That would be nice.” She appreciated that it took her out of wife mode, too. She didn’t want to feel like his rendition of a bride every time she did domestic chores around him. Preparing to leave him with the dishes, she stood and pushed in her chair. “I’ll see you in the morning.”
“You, too.” He carried their plates into the kitchen.
She watched him, then ventured down the hall, hoping that she could shut down her troubled mind and sleep.
Chapter Nine
Candy tossed and turned for hours, with a zillion things still running rampant through her head. But mostly, she obsessed over one subject.
The child she’d lost. The secret she was keeping from Tanner. Not admitting the truth to him, especially now that she’d agreed to become Ivy’s nanny, made her feel like a terrible friend, a liar and a cheat who was pretending not to have baby issues.
She reached over and turned on the light, squinting from the glare. Should she give up the fight and tell him? And if she did, was this a bad time to broach the subject—on the night before Ivy would be coming home?
When would be a good time? After his niece was here, tucked away in her nursery? What difference did it make when she said it, as long as she told him?
So why wait? Do it now. Get it done and over with.
She went to the closet and slipped on her robe. She couldn’t go to his room in her skimpy pajamas, her tank top and itty-bitty shorts, without a cover-up.
She checked her reflection in the mirror, making sure she didn’t look the slightest bit sexy. No tousled hair, no come-hither gaps in her robe.
Truthfully, she probably shouldn’t be going to his room at all. But at this point, she just wanted to say what she had to say, even though she knew he was in bed. She’d heard him shut down the house not more than thirty minutes ago. By now, he would be reading up on baby care, or so she assumed. If he’d ditched the books and turned out the light, she wouldn’t bother him.
After one last mirror check, she padded down the hall. She noticed the light shining under his door, so she went ahead with her plan.
She knocked and called out, “Tanner. It’s Candy.”
She winced after making the announcement. Who else would be rapping at his door at 11:00 p.m.?
“Come in,” he called back.
Suddenly, she stalled. What if he got the wrong impression and thought she was there to seduce him, even with her proper appearance? Oh, sure. As if she would trick him like that.
Forging ahead, she turned the knob, convincing herself, once again, that she was doing the right thing. Backing out wasn’t an option.
Upon entering the room, she saw him reclining in bed, propped against a bunch of pillows, with an e-reader in his hands. She’d envisioned a pile of paperbacks strewn around him.
The room was rugged and masculine, in shades of brown with strong accents of black, far different than how she’d decorated when she’d slept there. His bed wasn’t her old bed. It wasn’t a piece of furniture that she’d offered to let him borrow. That would have been way too weird.
“What’s going on?” he asked. He sounded concerned, as if she was going to be the bearer of bad news.
It was probably the expression on her face. Or maybe it was the way she was clasping the front of her robe, white-knuckling the heavy cotton fabric.
She replied, “There’s something I need to tell you.”
“I’m listening.”
“May I sit down?”
“Of course.” He patted the space next to him.
She’d been thinking more along the lines of a chair, but there weren’t any. How dumb of her not to have noticed before now. What hadn’t gone unnoticed was his sleeping attire. His chest was bare, and he wore a pair of boxer shorts, the elastic waistband partially obscured by the covers draped around his hips.
Candy sat on the corner of the bed, warning herself not to react, even if she’d never seen him in his underwear before.
He turned off the e-reader and placed it on the nightstand, a blast of worry dashing into his eyes. “You aren’t changing your mind, are you?”
“About taking the job? Goodness, no. I wouldn’t do that to you.” She wouldn’t bail on him when he needed her. “I just...” She hesitated, preparing to say what was on her mind.
“You just what? Come on, Candy, what’s going on?”
All right, she thought. Here goes. “I want to tell you about something that happened to me. About the baby I lost, so you know where my emotions are coming from.”
He started, his big, broad shoulders jerking backward. “You lost a child?”
“It was a miscarriage. It’s also the reason my marriage only lasted three months. Vince married me because I got pregnant, and after the baby was gone, he didn’t see the point of staying together anymore.”
“I’m so sorry.” He pushed the pillows out from behind him and moved to the center of bed, closer to the edge where she was.
As the covers fell away from his half-naked body, she clutched the front of her robe again. “Vince admitted that he wasn’t in love with me. He was glad when I lost the baby because being married to me was making him feel trapped.”
“He sounds like my father. Cripes, Candy. What did you see in him?”
“I was delusional, I guess. Because, really, I should have known better. If he’d loved me, he would have wanted to marry me years ago instead of keeping me on a string with our on-again, off-again relationship.”
“Did you convince yourself that it was going to work after you got pregnant?”
She nodded. “Yes, but I didn’t conceive on purpose. I thought we were being careful, but the birth control we were using failed.” She quickly added, “Even though it wasn’t planned, I was secretly thrilled when it happened. All I’ve ever wanted was to be a wife and mother.”
He watched her with empathy, making her far too aware of the baby they would be sharing. It made her think about Meagan, too, being forced to let her child go.
Candy expelled the air in her lungs. “Vince was upset when I got pregnant, but he never suggested that I terminate. He just asked me what I was going to do. And when I told him that I was going to keep it, he offered to marry me, for the sake of the child. It seemed so honorable at the time, so old-fashioned. But he came from a proper family. It was how he was raised.”
Tanner frowned. “I guess we’re all a product of our environment in one way or another.”
“It was a huge factor in why he proposed. He knew his parents would have pressured him to do it anyway. And they liked me. They thought I was a nice girl.”
“You are a nice girl.” He spoke softly, his voice comfortingly quiet. “I can’t imagine anyone not liking you.”
She glanced away for a second, needing to compose herself. “Being liked by them was wonderful, but not being loved by their son was a killer. And the loss of our child, of my baby, left me feeling more alone than I’d ever been.”
“Why didn’t you tell me any of this before? Why didn’t you mention the baby?”
“For a lot of reasons. But mainly because I couldn’t bear to say it. It’s been four years, but it still affects me. Helping you prepare for Ivy made me long for what I’d lost. And it was becoming so difficult, so hard to handle, I was considering spending less time with you. On the day we decorated the nursery, I had to keep reminding myself that Ivy wasn’t my baby.”
Tanner went unbearably silent. During those clock-ticking minutes, Candy stared into space, wishing he would say something to resume the conversation.
Finally, he did. He said, “It’s not right.”
She shifted her gaze back to him. “What isn’t?”
“That I roped you into becoming Ivy’s nanny. How are you going to hold that baby in your arms, struggling with those kinds of feelings?”
“That’s why I’m telling you about it. Because I don’t want to feel that way. I want to heal from losing my child and not fantasize that Ivy belongs to me.”
“When I brought that sort of thing up at the market, about how people are going to perceive us as Ivy’s parents, it must have struck a painful chord for you.”
“It did. But now that it’s out in the open, I can work on it. But you have to help. You have to treat me like the nanny and not your surrogate wife.”
“I guess it’s just me, gearing up for living in my old house with a man I’m attracted to, along with the baby we’ll be caring for.”
“Being attracted to each other doesn’t make us pseudo spouses. Nor does us taking care of Ivy.”
“You’re completely right. It doesn’t.”
He shifted on the bed, stirring the mattress, the weight of his body creating a strange sort of intimacy. She could almost imagine him drawing her into his arms, in spite of the warning she’d just given him.
Then suddenly he asked, “Do you still love Vince?”
The question brought her up short, especially in the wake of her thoughts, but she answered it. “No. Not anymore.”
“I’m glad you aren’t still carrying that around with you. My mom continued to love my dad, even after he hurt her.”
“I did that for a while, too. It’s hard to let someone go, even when you know you should.”
“At least you got past your feelings for him.” He looked her straight in the eye, with a devilish smile. “Now all you need to do is keep it in perspective and not fantasize about being married to me.”
“Oh, please.” She couldn’t help but laugh, which was what he wanted, obviously. “You’d be a lousy husband.”
“That’s just my point. It would be a stupid fantasy.” He leaned forward and poked her in the rib. “But just in case, I’ll act like a dork, so you’ll get turned off by me.”
She poked him back. “You already do that now.”
“Then I guess you’re doomed by my charms.”
She smiled at his silliness, but she spoke honestly, too. “Truthfully, I was worried about getting attached to you. But I can work on that now that we’ve had this conversation. There’s nothing left to hide. It’s all out in the open.”
The Bachelor's Baby Dilemma (Family Renewal) Page 10
